Avoiding a painful first time

[robotic]

My boyfriend and I want to have sex. We are both virgins (aka never had P/V intercourse, which is what I am referring to as "sex" in this post). He has a larger than average size penis and I'm scared it will hurt a lot for me. I am a pain wimp though, I'll admit that. As for my boyfriend, he cares about me a lot and we are trying to prepare ourselves beforehand as much as possible.

From when I was 14 to 16 years old I used to only finger myself to masturbate. Then I stopped because it got boring and masturbated in different ways. At 21 now, I've started fingering myself again to prepare for sex. Once I get comfortable with that again, I'm going to start using a thin dildo that my boyfriend bought for me. He also bought lube because we know we're definitely going to need that for sex.

Questions:
What position should we use for the first time? I've read that having the girl on top is better because then she has control.
Is it possible that even while aroused, my vagina will not be able to expand enough lengthwise to be able to accommodate my boyfriend's penis?
Is there anything else I should be doing now or at the time to make it easier/less painful?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards!

To first take care of the questions you asked, in order:
1) There's no universal answer to that beyond "Whatever position or positions you find feel best for both of you." And that usually involves some experimenting to find that out, just like it does with other kinds of sex, like oral sex.

2) Yes, but that's true of anyone. If you have the idea that intercourse must mean a penis all the way inside the vagina to the base of the penis, know it doesn't. Sometimes that'll be what people like and find feels good and works for them, and other times it won;t, even for the same couple on different days. And sometimes that is a thing people can do, but that one or both people don't find they enjoy doing, or find feels best, so this isn't just about can or can't. Again, think about this as similar to oral sex in that regard.

3) There's the big question. Really, as one basic place to start, my experience in working with people on this is that if you already have a sexual life that's working very well for you, including with things like open sexual communication, ease in everyone making adjustments and being flexible to try things to find out what works best for everyone, and you really, really want -- not just emotionally, but physically, and for yourself, not just for a partner -- to try intercourse, you have most of what you need here.

Certainly, there are some add-ons there some folks don't already have as part of their sexual life, or haven't addressed, that apply here -- like having and knowing how to use lubricant, or being able to talk about heteronormative expectations or learned ideas when it comes to intercourse, and contraception -- but we can talk more about those in terms of what you might feel are missing pieces so we're sure they apply to you.

I'd also add that we know from study that when intercourse -- be it the first time or the 501st -- causes pain, something is wrong. It's not "normal" or a "given." And what most often is up is either the receptive partner being too nervous or not turned on enough, a lack of lube, the partner with the penis being too hasty or aggressive, a lack of communication throughout, or any combination of those things.

One extra bit with that is the expectation it will, or even is supposed to be, be painful: any time we expect anything to be painful, be it intercourse or the removal of a bandaid, we are more likely to experience pain. I strongly suspect that this is a pretty big player for those who do experience pain with first intercourse that often goes unaccounted for.

[robotic]

Hi there. So what with university exams and other life stresses I was too busy/forgot to reply. But I'm replying now because my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time last week. And it was great. I felt very relaxed and very ready beforehand. I did end up being on top as planned. Overall, only the tiniest bit of pain for a few seconds, then a little discomfort for about a minute, but after that very romantic and pleasurable. And I was actually able to fit my boyfriend's whole penis inside me as well. I'm very happy with how it worked out. Thanks for the advice Heather, it helped me out and I appreciate it.

But now I have a few questions, or at least some things I want to talk about. So my boyfriend and I used a condom and I'm on birth control. After having sex for a while we stopped and my boyfriend took off the condom. He hadn't ejaculated because he said the my vagina had been squeezing too tight for him to be able to orgasm. After we rested for a few minutes he suggested that he put his penis inside my vagina without a condom just to see what it feels like. I said yes, because at the moment it didn't seem very risky; he hadn't ejaculated at all and we weren't really going to have vigorous intercourse. So again with me on top I put his penis inside. We stayed like that for a few minutes. I did start moving a little bit at which point my boyfriend pulled out and he ejaculated about 2 minutes later (on my body, but nowhere near my vagina/vulva).

Anyway at the time I didn't know that pre-ejaculate could contain sperm, and neither did my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend about all this and he said that while his penis was in my vagina without a condom that he didn't feel any pre-ejaculate come out, and that he knows what that feels like and notices when it happens. Also I know that if there was any sperm that it would be a small amount, and also I'm using birth control so I'm protected that way. I'm not feeling super freaked out about what happened but I am concerned and would like to hear some thoughts about this.

I talked to my boyfriend and we agreed that we will use a condom for intercourse every time. I can't help but feel dumb for having made this mistake but I guess all there is to do now is to make sure to be more careful in the future.

[Ashleah]

Hi Robotic,

In this case you basically used two methods of protection. Your birth control and the withdrawal method. This article should give you some ideas about your level of protection. Just look for the method you are using paired with withdrawal to find your answer (all of the combinations offer pretty high levels of protection ):

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexua ... ol_with_a_

Let me know if you have anymore questions!