Do you find it hard to hold your boundaries?

[Sam W]

We talk a lot about boundaries here at Scarleteen, and about how having a strong sense of them and communicating them is an important thing to do (as is respecting the boundaries of other people). However, I'll be the first to admit that holding boundaries in the face of someone pushing them is not always easy (and it usually takes practice). And the reason for that difficulty can vary depending on our own personalities and experiences.

For instance, I have been conflict avoidant for most of my life. And while I taught myself to push back against boundary violations I perceived as "big" (like someone touching me without permission) I tended to let a lot of "little ones " (that still made me unhappy or uncomfortable) go because I didn't want to risk conflict. Something that's helping me unlearn that tendency is to realize that most people react to a stated boundary reasonably, and will apologize for bumping into it. If someone gets angry with me for having one, that's a sign that I want to limit or cut contact with them.

So, what about y'all. What are some places where you struggle to assert or communicate your boundaries, either now or in the past? What things have you found make you more comfortable asserting them?

[Jacob]

I think the hard thing for me is when someone just into me and quite sensitive. I don't want someone to feel bad or that they've been rejected especially if they take it to mean something bad about their self-worth. They don't intend to push boundaries (if they did it'd be easier to say no), but if I don't remind myself of my own boundaries it can be tempting to just try and make someone else feel good. I'm comfortable with holding those boundaries now, simply because out of experience that goes to a baaad place. I feel like it is a sign of respect that you are clear with someone.

No means no, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything more than no... it doesn't mean 'no you're ugly' or 'no i don't like you' it's just neutral thing about how I'm feeling.