Should I be upset over rape?

[wistfully]

Should I feel upset over being raped? I don't but I feel like I should.

I'm not angry or upset, but should I be? It happened a week ago.

[Sam W]

Hi wistfully,

First off, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. As to your question, survivors feel all sorts of ways in the wake of what happened to them, and while many do feel upset, and there is definitely no one "right" way to feel. Some people react with shock, some with anger, some with self-blame, the list goes on.

Do you feel you want to talk about some resources to access should you want support around what happened?

[wistfully]

I see.

As for resources to access, well, I've already taken the morning after pill and went to get tested for STDs, and I'm not going anywhere near where it happened in case I stumble into the guy.

[Sam W]

Those were both very sound resources to access, so high five for taking care of yourself. I do want to check, do you feel like you can go about your day and do what you need to do safely, or are you feeling that there's a chance that you might run into this guy again and that, if you did, he might do the same thing again?

I was also referring to resources like a sexual assault survivors organization. Even if you don't feel like you need what they offer now, it can be good to have their info in your back pocket in case you find yourself wanting it later on.

[wistfully]

I don't feel safe in the area he lives in without being with someone else, so if he does appear he can't do the same thing. But in other places I have no problem being by myself.

Ah, at the clinic I got tested at they asked me the same thing, so if I ever feel like I needed that kind of resource I know where to get the info.

[Sam W]

Is the area where he lives somewhere you have to go often? And do you think there's any chance he would decide to seek you out? (I don't ask to freak you out, just to evaluate the situation)

Ah, that's good to hear that they offered you that info as well.

[wistfully]

I don't have to go there at all, but it's an area where I like to spend a lot of my free time.

If he wanted to seek me out there's no way he could without some seriously extensive digging to locate me, and I know him well enough to know that he's far too lazy to do that. I feel pretty sure that he won't be able to find out where I live, I only give out that information to a few select people, and I'm not the kind of person to broadcast my whereabouts and plans on social media.

[Sam W]

Okay, good to know.

Going forward, what (of the services we offer) would be the most helpful thing we can do for you?

[wistfully]

Can you get me a boyfriend? Haha

I know you can't provide that service, but the feeling of loneliness has been stronger over the past week because of what happened, I've never had a boyfriend before, guys don't want me in a romantic way and I wish they did. But I don't think there's anything anyone or any service can do about that.

[Sam W]

Hi wistfully,

It's totally understandable that you'd be feeling lonely, especially after what happened. It may not help with the romantic end of things, but do you have some friends or family that you're close to who you could spend extra time with the next few weeks? Even just being around people who you care for and who care about you can go a long way towards feeling less lonely.

[wistfully]

I've been going out a lot the past week and it's great most of the time, my friends have been extra supportive

But this weekend when my friends were all together talking about their significant others or cuddling with each other I started crying and had to walk out into the garden for a bit.

[Sam W]

Hi wistfully,

That's some awesome self-care you've been doing, and I'm glad you're friends are supportive of you.

It can suck when it feels like we are the only non-paired off person we know. There are a couple of things to do in that instance. One is to spend some time looking inward, figuring out what we want in a partner and a relationship so that we can evaluate and communicate those needs to potential partners. And, it can help to look at how you approach dating or finding potential partners. Do you have a pretty active social life (clubs, hobbies, etc)?

[wistfully]

I've never been on a date before but I have a pretty active social life. I go to bars with friends, a few clubs/meet up groups, house parties etc. I occasionally ask guys out but I get politely rejected.

[Sam W]

You're already being pretty proactive, which is awesome. So, it may simply be a matter of being patient and persevering (as difficult as that is sometimes). The other thing that can help is to get involved with clubs or groups that focus on a shared interest (Anime, hiking, cooking, etc). That way, you're meeting cool people, doing something you enjoy, and meeting folks who may be prospective partners that you already have at least a few points in common with

[wistfully]

I'm in my early twenties and I've been trying for over a decade now, so I don't think I'll ever get a partner, even though I meet cool people all the time through socialising.

[Heather]

It's pretty fair to say that you're hardly behind the curve here. There's still going to be time and opportunity, and many people don't have boyfriends or girlfriends in their pre-teens and teens.

And now, just after sexual assault, usually isn't a very good one regardless, no matter how people feel after assault. Especially since it's very common for our feelings to change and shift a lot over weeks, months and years, so most often, what works best for people after assault is sticking to the intimate relationships they have with friends and family, and focusing on oneself.

[wistfully]

I think most people have gotten relationships by the age of 25 though

I feel like if someone saw me as more than just a receptacle for cum I would feel a whole lot better about myself.

[Heather]

But you're not 25, right? I know it can feel like the clock is ticking, and it stinks to feel lonely in this respect, especially after trauma, but I can assure you that it's not like some timer is going to go off, and then you just don't get to have those relationships as part of your life.

By all means, it's really tough the way that sexual abuse or assault can make us feel like our only value is as an object to use sexually. Really tough. But what usually helps with that isn't romantic or sexual relationships while we are feeling that need so strongly, because it's very hard to pursue and establish healthy relationships when we're in this kind of emotional space, and when trauma is so incredibly fresh. Entering into those kinds of relationships right now might seem like it would fix a lot, but it's much more likely not to, and to add a lot of complications and other feelings that can add stress, rather than dial it down, if you know what I mean.

I personally also think it's important to figure that it's pretty likely that while you're not saying you feel upset or angry about your assault yet, that's probably coming down the pipe at some point, and more likely sooner than later. And you'd probably not be very happy to have that happen while you're just starting a dating relationship, because that's some big, rough stuff to be trying to deal with with someone and a kind of relationship brand new to you, you know?

That said, in your posts here, you're clearly describing relationships with people -- they're not sexual or romantic ones, but they're relationships -- where you are obviously seen as a whole person, not as a sexual object. So, we already know some people most certainly DO see you differently than this. Are you not feeling that view of you as a whole person with your friends who are being supportive right now? If not, any ideas about what you might be able to ask them for to help with that?

[wistfully]

I don't know why people valuing me as a friend isn't enough. But it's not enough.

[Heather]

Do you want to talk about what might help with this (and probably better than starting a romantic or sexual relationship) that is within your reach, and isn't about your friends? Or about how it may be that, to some degree, nothing would probably be enough, because these feelings are probably in large part feelings we simply tend to have after sexual abuse or assault that don't tend to be "fixed" by consensual sexual relationships by themselves? In other words, about coping with those feelings?

[wistfully]

I'm not sure what would help with these feelings.

[Heather]

You okay with me making some suggestions?

[wistfully]

I wouldn't :]

[Heather]

Okay. Feel free to let us know, then, what kind of help you would like us to offer you, or what you would like us to do for you from here.

[wistfully]

I'm not sure, I was hoping you'd know what would help with these feelings that doesn't involve friends or relationships.