I'm struggling with how I feel about sex

[Johanna]

If a lot of this is happening in class, then I do think that a teacher or your guidance counselor would be the right person to inform. If you have saved some of his threatening text messages, you might want to show those, as well. And if he is harrassing your friend now, as well, maybe the two of you can talk to your teacher together.

[hawley-smoot]

They won't do anything, and the messages all mention that I sent him inappropriate text messages when we were together, so I don't think they would be helpful.

[Heather]

Is there a reason you have not blocked his number on your phone so he cannot text or call you? (Sorry if I missed something in here, which is possible, given how many pages of discussion are in this thread.)

[hawley-smoot]

I don't have a way to block him on my phone. It's not the main number I use, and he hasn't sent anything in a while, but I don't think a way exists (it's not a particularly advanced phone). Sorry it's such a long thread, I just keep coming up with related things to ask about.

[Heather]

Are you up to a little bit of help with that? In other words, want to give me info on the phone you use so I can double-check that for you? With almost all phones made over the last few years, numbers and accounts can be blocked.

(And it's okay, just know there will be some things I miss in such a long thread, that's all.)

[hawley-smoot]

I wouldn't mind, no. It's a samsung galaxy centura (I think) with tracfone coverage and android operating system.

[Heather]

Okay. Want to see if downloading this app (which is a quick search with a few options, looks like the most complete and is free, from what I can tell, too) works for you?

https://play.google.com/store/apps/deta ... list&hl=en

[hawley-smoot]

I can, yeah. I don't have my phone on me right now, but I can get up and try to update it in 15-20 minutes or so. Thanks!

[Heather]

Sure thing! If that one doesn't work, if you just use a search engine and search for your phone model and operating system and "block texts", adding apps, you should find all of what I did. There are a few different apps that can do that for you.

Your friend can do a similar search.

Btw, you -- or your friend -- also have the option of clearly communicating to this person that they may NOT call or text you, and if they do again, it will be considered harassment, and your next step is to report that harassment and seek an order of protection, if necessary. Making clear that they are violating you, and that you will take steps to stop it, often -- even without taking those steps -- will deter a lot of stalkers or other folks/kinds of harassment.

[hawley-smoot]

It seems to be compatible with the operating system, I appreciate it.

I tried to ask him to stop before (about five and a half months ago) and even when the school officials saw the messages, they asked him about his feelings rather than feeling he was really in the wrong. My friend is nervous to do so, mostly because one time her phone was dead so she didn't reply to something he sent, and he got hostile really quickly. I would be worried to do so, because I still have to see him every other day. I have a feeling she won't block his messages for the same reason.

[Heather]

So, it's sounding like at least two of you are dealing with harassment from this person.

My best advice, then, would be for both of you to either a) go to the administration together -- and make clear that you are reporting harassment from a fellow student, and asking him about his feelings (that is such utter bullshit, I hardly know what to say) is NOT the proper protocol for schools, and if they don't know what is, you'd be happy to get them information about what is (which we can give you) or b) bypass them and go to the police, report the harassment, and ask for orders of protection.

I know we've brought this up, but if you -- for yourself, or you and your friend -- would like a walkthrough of what steps to take, including to protect yourself from him having any way to BE hostile (I'm not sure what you mean by that: are we talking about physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuses or something else?) with you -- in other words, to protect yourself from any more contact at all -- just let us know. We're happy to do that. You also can look at the safety plans we have on the main site for any kind of abusive relationship and how to get away from it, since most of that information is the same as when dealing with harassment of any kind from someone.

If we want harassment to stop, we really have to take all the steps we can to stop it. If we avoid them, we just leave ourselves open. Not blocking calls isn't a way to stop this person from harassing either of you, and if doing so results in further kinds of abuse or harassment, then steps have to be taken to stop that. This is just one of those things where if and when someone can see they are intimidating us, they're just going to keep at it or do it even more. So, unless either of you are afraid of being harmed (or have been directly harmed because of blocking), blocking is is the least of the steps that need to be taken. And if doing so results in a larger abuse, then that needs to be dealt with, then.

[hawley-smoot]

He doesn't talk to me much anymore, and usually only texts her to complain about his life. I'm not sure if it would be considered harassment.

I don't know if what he's doing is clear enough to make a case for. It's hurtful to me, because I can sense the parallelism between what he said to me in private messages, and what he complains or makes jokes about to other people in front of me, and I think he is maintaining the pretense that he's friends with her. He didn't say anything incriminating, just something mildly menacing, but she also responded very quickly after she received it. I really don't see how I could cut contact, seeing as how the class only has 10 people in it, and I've only lately become friendly with all of the other ones (I knew the two other juniors before, but going in, he was the only senior I was on good terms with).

[Heather]

I was assuming this was current since you posted about it currently.

Harrassment actually isn't about what is or isn't hurtful: regardless of the kind of contact, if and when someone tells someone not to contact the and they continue to, that is harassment per the law. So, if you or she have asked him not to call you or text you, and he still does so, that is harassment.

Per cutting contact with him, if the only contact you have is in one class, one way to go about that is to ask to switch or drop classes. Alternately, you can again report the harassment (and if by menacing, you mean he is making threats, then again, this is the stuff of orders of protection) and ask he be removed from the class. And with an order of protection, with which he would have to comply, that usually would then mean a school has to cooperate with keeping him away from you, thus removing him from the classes he shares with you and switching him to other classes.

[hawley-smoot]

Well, he talks *about* me, and occasionally *at* me, but he hasn't texted me in a while. I mentioned it because there's a very small chance that he'll randomly text me again.

I told him to stop a long time ago, but I don't know if that counts.

I really don't think what he's doing is enough to constitute a case for either the administration or the law, and I had to get special permission to be in the class. He doesn't make threats, and I no longer fear violence from him, but I'm also worried that reporting anything will cause him to lose his scholarship or something. I'm scared to report him because at least now he isn't getting any worse, and I feel that the repercussions will fall on me if I say anything.

[Johanna]

Hi Hawley.

I've been following this conversation between you and Heather, and reading this, it seemed to me like there is a pattern with the way you interact with us here. There've been a few instances in this thread where you reported something to us that sounded pretty serious, and where you seemed pretty distressed about the situation in question. But as I or other volunteers tried to talk to you about what was going on and made suggestions to help, you slowly backed down from your original claims, and made the situation sound more and more benign. The biggest example for this is, obviously, the way this thread started: you came here asking about help in dealing with past sexual abuse, but over the course of the conversation, you wound up insisting that no abuse actually took place. And I feel like the same thing happened again just now with Heather, where you initially reported feeling harrassed by your ex, and are now making it sound as though he has barely been in touch with you for months. And there are several other, smaller instances of this throughout these seven pages of conversation.

Now, I'm not saying this to call you out or put you down. We earnestly want to help you, and are doing our best over here to try and do that. But it's just pretty difficult to help someone when there is so much inconsistency in how they present what they need help with.

In terms of what is happening here, it seems to me like there are two scenarios. Either stuff really IS as bad as you originally present it, but you're afraid to seek out help and wind up downplaying it so we stop making suggestions. Or stuff ISN'T that dramatic, but you get worked up and then overstate what really happened. If it's the first, please remember that, while we're happy to help, we cannot take the place of a professional counselor and we cannot provide therapy of any kind, let along in an on-going and long-term fashion. What we do here is basically triage - we can help someone figure out what's going on and who to turn to, but then they really need to do the work themselves and seek out those resources. So yes, we are going to keep making suggestions to get in touch with other resources, because if those things are going on in your life, then you deserve to get help to deal with them, and we cannot provide that help. If, however, you're actually overstating a lot of what is going on, we really need to ask you to pause for a moment before you post, and think about how truthful you are being to the actual situation. Because if we're constantly responding to things that aren't actually happening, that's not a good use of our time, or your time.

So can you please think about what I've said here, and keep it in mind before you post from now on? Thanks!

[hawley-smoot]

I backed down on a lot of the anxiety, because I was sometimes posting in the middle of an attack, and would minimize how I was feeling in order to feel less guilty about posting here. I was sort of vague in the original post about how he did the things he did, and since it had just happened, I was feeling kind of distressed about it. The problem, I think, is that he's aware of the consequences of his actions, and so is doing things in a way that keeps me from being able to call him out on it. He doesn't talk to me directly, but says the same things he told me, in a way that obscures that they are about me, to other people. It bothers me a lot more than it should, because I trusted him with all of my insecurities, and he really just inverted the entire relationship within weeks of the breakup, and I've been fearing his wrath since then. I could be overstating what is currently going on, but if so, it is mostly because of the environment that it occurs in.

I'm really sorry that I've been so inconsistent, though. I'm trying to put down what I feel to be true, but I'm very affected by my emotions.

[Johanna]

Thank you for being honest with us, Hawley. I really appreciate that. I understand what it can be like to be in the middle of a panic, and talking or writing through things can sometimes really help. However, if you're writing through your panic and then asking us questions as though this is a thing that is happening to you, that's not helpful to you, and also not something where we can actually help you. The only person who can help you through a panic attack is you. Have you been able to read through our self-care articles to look for some tools that might work for you in terms of helping you to calm down in the middle of a panic attack?

In the future, can we perhaps come up with a strategy for posting, to make sure that you're not posting things when you're super agigated, and then feeling guilty about that and wanting to backtrack? One thing I have noticed is that you tend to reply super quickly - which to me suggests that you write it all out and then hit "submit" right away. Perhaps you can start writing things out, and then just letting that sit for a moment, and coming back to it a little later to read through it again? And then if you feel like you've over stated something, you can take it out or reword it.

I also want to put something else out there, and you can take it or leave it. It sounds to me like you're seeking attention from us, and like you think you may be able to get the most of that if you exaggerate what's happening to you. Please understand that I don't mean this negatively - "seeking attention" is often presented as a bad thing to be doing but really, what it's about is wanting to be seen and heart by others, being validated, being taken seriously. And those are valid needs to have, and being seen and heard is an important thing. So if that is something that you are wanting, please know that you don't need to exaggerate dramatic stories to get that from us. You can simply tell us that you're wanting that.

[hawley-smoot]

I'm really sorry, i just don't have anywhere else I feel I can talk about this, but then the feelings of panic make me want to minimize what's going on so that you'll tell me to go away, and I'll be more miserable. I'm trying to figure out how much is true, but it's hard, because the thing with the ex is that he's self-aware and very insidious, so it sounds like nothing from the outside, but makes me feel terrible when he's around. I'm experimenting with self-care, and I've found some methods, but I expect they'll be more harmful than beneficial, so I'm trying to find new ones. I'm really sorry I keep posting here, I just don't know who else I could go to with this.

[Heather]

The thing with panic attacks, though, is that you need to manage them before you can really interact with someone else. Do you know how to do that, how to get through and then dial down a panic attack?

Too, did you see how Joey made clear you could still write all this out here, and just wait to publish until the attack is over, and you can review what you have written to be sure it is sound after the attack has passed, and you are no longer thinking with your anxious mind? You can even write something here and save it as a draft.

[hawley-smoot]

I have methods, but they'll only work for a little while until my self-esteem gets too low for it to be effective.

I'm prone to downplaying the problems when I'm having an attack, but I've stopped trying to isolate myself, so I don't think it should be so bad anymore. Sorry.

[Johanna]

Can I ask what those methods are, and how they are impacted by your self-esteem?

If you need new methods that are healthier and work better for you, you can also take a look at our "Anxiety Lies" article, if you haven't already, and follow the links we have in the side bar: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/anxiety_lies

There are also some good phone aps you can use, such as this one: http://sam-app.org.uk/ (It's on android, and it's free, so that should work perfectly for you).

[hawley-smoot]

I realized that repeating the idea in my mind that I am worthless, useless, and hated by everyone makes the panic stop. I don't know why it's so effective, but I'd imagine it will only work until that becomes my dominant perception of myself again.

Okay. That article rings pretty true for me, and the sites seem helpful. Thanks.

[Heather]

Well, probably that actually isn't helpful, and one of the easiest ways for you to know that is that effective, helpful ways of managing anxiety tend to result in anxiety dialing down and feeling more and more manageable over time, not just as unmanageable or less so.

I have never heard of ANY therapeutic approach to anxiety that involves putting oneself down, and perhaps it's obvious why. If it's not obvious, the links on that page should explain that for you.

But as far as discussions about your anxiety go, really, external resources and helps are all we can ably provide, and we make very clear in our user registration agreement and site guidelines that we have hard limits around this. So, we do need to stop talking about your panic and anxiety here, and do need to ask you to please just do your level best NOT to publicly post here when you are having a panic or anxiety attack. You don't need to be sorry about having done so, and too, that actually doesn't really change the situation if your behaviour isn't changing, and you're still doing it, but then apologizing. Get what I mean?

What we need is for that limit to be recognized and respected (and this isn't just about you, again, we make this clear for everyone), and for you to either seek out and use some of the kinds of resources and helps we've given you for people and places who CAN provide that kind of help, and are able and equipped to do so, or, should you choose not to, for whatever your reasons, to recognize that we respect that, but that still means *we* can't work with you with those issues, so any way of trying -- with awareness or not -- to kind of force our hand there and push us into it just isn't okay.

Last time you and I had a bunch of exchanges, as I understand where we left things, we stopped when you made clear there was one step you had started to take, and another you were going to look into, but you weren't open to any other kind of help. Then I replied that then, for now, we're basically done here -- unless you have things like sexuality, relationship or sexual health questions -- and you were in agreement with me. If that's still where everything stands, then we're still there, where at this time, there just really isn't anything left for us to help you with that we can help you with, either because we lack the capacity, or because with ways we can help, you're not open to them.

[hawley-smoot]

This discussion did begin with a sort-of relationship question, but I'm sorry for having wasted so much more of your time. Thank you for everything.

[Ag18]

Hey hawley,
I'm replying to this message because I feel a lot like you said you do in sexual situations. I start panicking and my heart beats too fast and something just feels wrong. It feels like it's my fault, but I know that that isn't right. Because, it isn't my fault, nor is it yours. When you say stop or when you say nothing at all, the person you are with should stop or ask you if you want them to stop. They should never pressure you, and if they do then they aren't a person you should be associated with because they obviously don't actually care about what your feeling and what you want. Sex of any kind should be about the pleasure of both partners, not one. If you feel panicked or scared or uncomfortable, you should always go with your gut. There isn't anything wrong with that, or with you. I hope I have helped in some way. I'm still trying to take my own advice and realize that there is nothing wrong with being panicked and not ready. And it's very hard advice to take and apply to life. But, I'm really trying.