How to Get Over the Sex that Wasn't

[moonlight]

Thanks Heather, I really appreciate the feedback and not telling me what I thought you were going to. It makes me feel a whole lot better about doing this. And thank you for the link, for some reason I thought hormonal IUDs weren't available in Canada.

I think it is a really good idea to let him know how I felt before and to ask for more communication. Here's what I'm thinking of saying: "So I just wanted to let you know that when you changed your mind about sex before, it left me feeling totally bummed out and a bit confused. I totally respect your right to change your mind as many times as you want, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. So what that made me realize is that I really need a lot of communication around all of this, and I don't want to totally stop communicating after this. What are your thoughts on the matter?" Is there anything else that I've mentioned on here that you think I should say Heather, or does that sound like enough?

And thanks for the comments on lube, that makes me feel a bit better.

[moonlight]

So now it seems like he blocked me on Facebook and he's not answering my texts!

I'm pissed off. I guess I just need to accept that this guy wants to act like a jerk and move on.

[Heather]

Oh, for crying out loud! Alas, you seem to have a game player here (or someone who just doesn't know what he wants nor how to communicate that to you with any emotional maturity), so for sure - IMO - time to move on and stop engaging with this dude.

[moonlight]

How do I move past this without any closure? I can't help but wonder why he wants to make a fool of me. I can't help but wonder a thousand things and hope to run into him on campus so I can ask him WHY and tell him he is mean to just block me, with not so much as an "I've changed my mind, goodbye".

[Heather]

We can give ourselves closure about someone without their participation. When people die, for instance, that's something we have to do and it's doable.

Ultimately, I think the closure you have here is what his behavior says pretty clearly - that whatever his deal is, you met someone who just is confused at best to a game-playing jerk at worst, and that's a bummer, but you dodged a bullet by not getting close to him.

And then your own, per what you take away from all this for yourself, which strikes me as some clues about getting too attached to a possibility, and again, that casual isn't a way you feel right now about this stuff. You'll have your own epiphanies, and you can also close the door here for yourself.

[moonlight]

So I need to make my in closure. Okay. Tough but doable.

And yes, I totally don't feel casual about this so whatever I start calling what I want in relationships and sex, I really need to stop calling it casual sex.

I'm starting, slowly, to build back from this blow. Its a lesson, about what I want and about what people are capable of. Its a lesson that I need a slightly thicker carapace.

Thank you for the help in navigating all of this, you're the best.

[Heather]

I don't know what works for you, but in my life when I have wanted closure and have had to get it without the person I want it with, be that because they're dead or just otherwise gone in a way where they can't or won't participate (or not safe for me to engage with), writing has been a very helpful tool for me.

Too, since this is all ultimately about something that didn't actually happen, but something you wanted to, most of the closure around this will be about and with yourself anyway, so him not participating isn't really a problem, since I think this is primarily about you resolving things with yourself.

And I have been happy to be here for you in this, and glad to help.

[Heather]

One thing I would add though is that okay, maybe you need to work on building some resilience. But another piece of that is being aware of your vulnerability, and doing what you can to accept it, and to figure out how to work with that.

For instance, not front-loading anything with more attachment to it than fits what's coming back to you from others, or doing your best to choose things to pursue that don't ask more resilience of you than you have at a given time. It's okay to be tender, after all. We just need to make sure we take that into account ourselves as much, if not more, as we expect or need others to.

[MusicNerd]

hey moonlight! i also just wanted to add that (as someone who considers herself to be "too sensitive" for her own good): being vulnerable and sensitive aren't necessarily bad things. in fact, some folks (myself included) really appreciate that and it becomes a lot easier when you just sit with the fact that "yeah, this is how i feel about things... and that's not good or bad, it just is."

so yeah, i basically just wanted to say that i can relate to where you're coming from with these kinds of feelings, but try not to judge yourself over it (i know, easier said than done!), 'cause there are definitely worse things to be in this world