Getting over it/him

[hawley-smoot]

So my first serious relationship, which lasted six months and ended about a year ago, was with a guy whom I had had a crush on for nearly a year before, and thought was the One. I think it was two or three months in when being in a relationship with him made me really depressed- I think it was because he didn't know how to respect or care for me, but ended up with a lot of conflict and the decreasing importance of respecting my boundaries, from both him and me. The thing is that even after he walked all over me for three months, then broke up with me and proceeded to harass and degrade me in school and over text from last October until June, I keep getting flashbacks to things that he said or did- both good things and bad- and it's become very distressing. How can I get him out of my head? I'm aware that I've posted on this site before, but this is a somewhat different, although related, issue.

[Redskies]

Hi there, hawley-smoot.

I'm really sorry he behaved like that to you. He shouldn't have.

Sometimes someone who hurt us can get stuck in our head while we're still struggling with or processing what happened. I'm not surprised the flashblacks are distressing - flashbacks can be really horrible.

There isn't a way to just get him gone from your head straight away - oh that there were. What there is, though, is a bunch of strategies for dealing with flashbacks so that they're less horrible. They're grounding strategies, where you remind yourself and present yourself with some practical cues that you're in the here-and-now and he's not there and it's a memory rather than actually happening. There's a pretty good list of suggestions: http://www.pandys.org/articles/grounding.html

[hawley-smoot]

He did a lot of things that he shouldn't have, but he's gone now; 1600 miles away.

i just feel like it's unreasonable of me to start having flashbacks (I didn't while I was regularly seeing him, either dating or in school) now, and especially since I've dated and done stuff with other people since he broke up with me. Could there be a reason it's starting now, besides the fact that I should have tried harder to stay with him?

Thanks for the strategies. Is there another page of strategies where I can try to stop missing him so much?

[Heather]

You know, the way to get over missing someone is usually just to be in the experience of missing them and giving things time. There's no magic to just make that feeling go away, but it will tend to gradually diminish over time. And it's not like any of us can't live with missing someone: we can feel that way and still cope. If you feel like you can't -- now or in the future -- that's a cue that you need some extra help, either from someone like a counselor or therapist, or from your own friends and/or family so far as getting extra help and support to move forward.

Flashbacks from any kind of abuse or trauma can happen anytime, and healing from either or both of those things rarely is something that ha[pens in a straight line. Instead, we'll tend to have times in life where it waxes and wanes, where things come up, and then where things are mellow, often depending on just where we're at with healing, if we're getting triggered by anything, and what the rest of our lives are like at a given time, including things like stress (negative or positive). If it helps to have an example, I didn't start having ANY flashbacks from an assault that happened when I was 12 until I was 20. I'd say that's a bit on the unusual side in terms of such a big lapse, but it is an example of just how much time can be in between.

[hawley-smoot]

Okay, thanks.

[hawley-smoot]

I guess, then, I have a related question that I can't really seem to figure out.

[Redskies]

Do you mean the question you asked about dealing with missing him, or a different question?

[hawley-smoot]

Just....why him? I've been in several relationships since, which have lasted nearly as long, were nearly as serious, and weren't so dysfunctional; but he's the only one I can't get over. Why?

[Heather]

That is the kind of thing you're really only going to be able to answer for yourself.

Things like how long a relationship lasted for or how serious it is don't automatically create a bigger impact. They can, sure, and even often do. But we can be deeply impacted by even short interactions with people, or by relationships that we or others didn't consider "serious." Plus, it tends to be easier, not harder, to move past relationships which have ended where things weren't dysfunctional and awful, rather than the other way around. After all, good, positive experiences tend to leave us with good, positive feelings and impacts, even if something changing or ending was sad or not what we wanted.

That all said, you have described this as your first serious relationship right at the start of this post (so I'm feeling a little confused by what you've just said now), and as someone you thought was "The One" (and thus, are also describing thinking of any given person as being able to be that in the first place: when reality meets that relationship mythology and it becomes clear that whole framework is pretty busted, it can be tough to deal with). You have also talked about how this person very seriously mistreated, harassed and hurt you. So, I'm not feeling very surprised that you're struggling with this, and I'm seeing plenty of reasons you've stated yourself that this was very impactful for you.

[hawley-smoot]

I understand why I'm still afraid of him, but I still have moments where all I want to do is ask him to take me back, even after all that's happened. Is that a common phenomenon, or am I just being emotionally weak and codependent?

[Sam W]

That emotional conflict (between being afraid/never wanting to see the person again but also somehow missing them) is definitely a phenomenon that other people experience. It's not weakness to miss the good parts of a person, or mourn for the good moments. And that's something that survivors experience because toxic and abusive folks are really good at making themselves the emotional center of the other persons life.

[Heather]

I'd also add that someone not loving us, alas, often isn't an impediment to us loving them. If only.

We also often will invest a lot of emotional energy, when in something crap, in the big hope that that will change, and in working very hard to only see the good parts of someone abusive. So, sometimes part of missing them when it's over is missing that ideal.

[hawley-smoot]

I don't just mourn the good times we had, though, and I don't really think about my relationships since him (even though I just had a breakup like two weeks ago, and even when I was with this newer guy over the summer, I still thought about my ex), but he's often on my mind. If I didn't think he would try to implicate to my parents that I sent him pornographic material of myself (which I didn't do), I would probably still try to contact him and ask him to get back together. How do I stop?

[Redskies]

I think the first step for that would be trying to ask yourself, as honestly as you can, what it is that you'd be looking for in getting back together with him. What would that be giving you? What is it that you want that you would get from him or that relationship, or that you wish or hope you would get?

[hawley-smoot]

I guess he's the only one that understood me (which is why he was able to dismantle me so efficiently, I guess) and even when I'm with other people, I'm lonely without him.

[Redskies]

So, sounds like what you're wishing for is to feel understood, and/or have people who understand you.

One thing I'd suggest is to try to reframe, as much as you can, "missing him" into "missing being understood". If you think of it as a him-shaped space, you're more likely to believe that only something/someone him-shaped can fill it, and then it's easier to get stuck and not pursue other ways of meeting your needs. It also makes it more likely that you might end up seeking out people who are too him-shaped, in that they also display some of his unpleasant qualities and behaviours.

It certainly tends to feel very lonely indeed if and when we feel like no-one really understands us. Broadly, the ways of tackling that are to try to connect more meaningfully, deeply, or in a way that suits us better with some people already in our life; to try to meet some new people who we might be better suited to; and to work on having as much of our life as rewarding and personally fulfilling as possible. Do any of those things sound like things you'd want to do?

[hawley-smoot]

I would be interested in doing those things, but I don't know how I can go about doing them- there's nobody in my life that can understand me the way that he did (it's wrong for me to say, but he's the most intelligent person I've ever known, and that makes a huge difference), I'm prohibitively busy for meeting new people or living in a way that is any more personally fulfilling (my schedule is so full that sleep is the only task that I cannot multitask or cut short, so it's the most difficult thing to schedule). Even so, I don't know how to start, and I don't know if I can until I leave for college in a year.

I guess it's not only the understanding that I miss, although it was the most unique characteristic of our relationship; I just feel like I connected with him in a way that I haven't with anyone since. I thought at first that it was the sex, but it's apparently not. I only wish I could forget his number.

[Karyn]

Hi hawley-smoot. Can I ask - and I know it can be hard to explain this kind of thing - what you mean by nobody understanding you? I feel like if I had a clearer idea of what kind of understanding you're looking for (someone who can relate to the way you see the world? someone who is interested in the same things you are? something else entirely?) I would have an easier time suggesting some things you could try to find that sort of connection with others.

[Redskies]

Feeling very connected with another person/people is a pretty fundamental need for most people, so it's very understandable that you would really miss and want that.

Sometimes in life we are in a position where there's simply not room for a single other thing. So, okay, what I'd suggest with those things is that you put a pin in it for now, but that you remember it's something you want when you're next in a position to make choices and changes to your life. For example, when you go to college then, you might want to prioritise meeting new people and pursuing activities where you might meet people you connect with, and make sure that you construct your life and your schedule so those things are a part of it. Too, I'd see this as a prompt that whenever you have the choice, you might want to build a little bit of "give" into your life and schedule. Life tends to throw us things, and if that happens when we're already at full stretch, we've got nothing left to deal with it, and that can cause more problems.

I don't think it's wrong to say that his intelligence was important to you - you get to feel how you feel. I think you can use it as a learning experience, both for the aspects of him that made you feel really connected and that you might look for in the future, and for the kinds of behaviour that were unpleasant and that you might try to avoid in the future And, of course, that while intelligence - or a certain kind of intelligence - might be an important feature for you to feel the kind of connection you want with someone, it's sadly not enough by itself to make things happy and healthy, and that someone with that kind of intelligence can be as big a jerk as any other person can.

You might actually be able to forget his number. It's sometimes possible to, I don't know, I usually dislike this phrase outside of technology, but, hack your own brain. If you're about to run the number sequence, stop yourself, throw things in the way in your mind. Maybe even visualise throwing the things. Think anything: sheep, dustbins, the integral of that tricky equation, what's that quote from a novel you're supposed to remember... If you truly don't want to remember the number, you can stop your brain from running the sequence, and with a lot of time, your brain might stop trying to present you with it. The trick, of course, is to never check to see if you've forgotten it

If you're looking for some workable-right-now strategies for dealing with feelings of missing either him or connectedness, something you might try is to allocate 5 or 10 minutes a day to thinking about it, and in that time, you allow yourself to really think and feel whatever you're thinking or feeling. Outside of that time, you don't allow yourself to think about it: if your mind goes there, you say (matter-of-factly, not harshly), no, mind, now is not your time for thinking about this, re-apply yourself to the task at hand. Outside of your allocated time, you fully immerse yourself and put all your attention into whatever else you're doing.

[hawley-smoot]

(By "understands me", I mean someone who processes things the same way I do- not that we have the same view or opinions, but who approaches situations in the same way. The best example of this was that I pay a lot of attention to everything, so I'm the first one to laugh at jokes, instantly notice if my best friend is wearing a new piece of clothing, recognize when people get even subtle haircuts. He is the first person to notice that I put a comma in "oh, no" in a text message; he was one of the very few (possibly the only besides my brother) that could identify with my fervor for math and my palate for foreign languages. It's a different way of understanding than perspective or interests, but I don't know I could settle for anything less.)

[hawley-smoot]

Redskies-
Thanks.

I understand that it might just not be in the cards for me right now to have a connection like that with anyone- part of why I yearn to go to a very selective college is so that I can hope to meet more people who I can identify with- but I don't agree with putting more 'give' into my schedule, because I do all the things that I do not for my resume, but because they're the things that make my life remotely enjoyable, after 10 years of absolute boredom and relative powerlessness.

I understand that intellect is not the sole condition required for a successful relationship, but for me, it's something I'm not sure I could live without in anything other than a mostly physical fling.

I don't really thing I'll be able to forget it unless I get him out of my head all the way- I have an unusually good memory even for things I don't notice very carefully, and a much better memory for things I attempt to memorize, like the number. I connected it to my weird prime number dogma in order to remember it, so unless he changes it I'm more or less stuck with it.

While I appreciate the coping strategy, I (and I'm sorry, because I feel that I keep repeating this mindset) don't know that it will work particularly well, because it's rare that I can concentrate completely into a single task, and also because the time that I was with him overlaps greatly with the time in which I became the current version of myself, which I accept and genuinely enjoy being except when I start thinking about the causes of the changes in my behavior, which are tied to my time with him.

[Redskies]

You're very welcome.

I totally understand that some people feel most right and happiest with a life packed full of activities I'd still put in a pitch for making sure that one or two of those things are things that you could opt out of or drop if you needed to, though: "give" doesn't have to be unplanned time or lounging around time, just some place where you could get a bit of slack if and when you need it. It's really one of life's few certainties that at some point you're going to need that slack - it sounds like you're in that place at the moment, in fact. Unexpected things happen, and things tend to get lousy at warp-speed if a person simply doesn't have the time and energy resources available to deal. I mean, sure, you can willingly head into challenging situations with the setting on super-hard if you like, but I'd recommend against it!

Yes, I see how it'd be hard to forget a number if you've connected it to something else you want to remember. I'm sorry you find yourself in that spot. I wonder: is it possible for you to create and craft other meanings and associations for the number that could mostly supercede it being his phone number and make that association fainter? Or would that simply give you another reason to remember his phone number?

With the strategy I suggested, can you perhaps adapt it to the way your brain works - for example, also move onto other secondary and background thought trails as well as with the main activity? And if you can't get completely away from the thought trail you don't want, at least make it one of the quietest and smallest by paying more attention and granting more brain-space to all the ones you do want?

I think the second part of your last paragraph contains some more answers to what you were asking above about why you're finding it hard to get over him. It's usually hard for anyone to separate a development, discovery or gain from a person they were in a relationship with at the time and have painful memories of, either to fully enjoy the good thing or not be painfully reminded of the person. Even something fairly basic like discovering a favourite song or band can be really challenging this way. A development and growth of your self?- yep, of course that'll be tough. I'd suggest trying to claim your own self as much as you can. So, becoming this form of you was connected to your time with him - but you enjoying being this form of you, you choosing to be now this form of you, that's all you. Again, time usually helps with situations like this; as you accumulate more instances of something meaningful happening with or around the thing (in this case, a particular personal development of yours) that are solely about you and nothing to do with the other person, the person's significance fades. As you collect other good and meaningful times with it, where and when it came from - and even why - gets less important and a smaller part of the whole.

[hawley-smoot]

I have enough time for necessities, so I don't know.


I don't think it's likely that I will, but thanks.

I should definitely be doing that more. Thanks for the strategy.

Yeah, I guess I'll be able to wait until it goes away. Thanks.