Moving on or staying put.

[stlyogi9]

I've posted previously about my relationship so I apologize if double posting is annoying. We've been dating for 2 years. He recently left to hike the Appalachian Trail, leaving me for 4 months. I was supportive and even visited him while he was hiking. However, I feel very strongly about having passion in a relationship and I have been forcing it for a long time and telling myself that it was all in my head and that he's a great guy. Loyal and trustworthy, funny and supportive. We just have different mindsets. We don't agree on a lot of things. He has negative attitudes towards things I like. About a year and a half ago, he started working at a gym that required him to wake up at 4 AM most mornings. So he was asleep usually by 7:30-8 every night. Didn't even try to stay up later to talk to me and when I would drive 3 hours to his house to visit him, he would already be half asleep when I got there. Needless to say, I started to feel distant and upset with him. We've been long distance for 2 years too. There are a lot of variables that make me think it's time to move on. I rushed into things with him, there isn't a spark/passion, no chemistry really. We're really good friends, in my opinion. The sex is nice, but I don't know if I've ever truly had an orgasm. It feels forced and I try to ignore it to not hurt his feelings.

I've also just been growing and changing over the past few months and realizing that I'm not ready to settle down quite yet. I'm still in school. I also have not had sex with that many people and would just like to casually date and hook up with people, to understand what I like more.

He is almost done with his hiking trip, and I brought up the fact that I feel like I come in second to his family the other night. This lead him to say something along the lines of 'I am literally not going to change how I am with my family and if that's an issue, then we have a problem'. He then told me that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life changing trip arguing with me and that he doesn't care. He doesn't want to change and is okay knowing that I'm upset. He doesn't want to have to 'deal with me' being upset all the time because I have to fight for his attention.

So do I stay with this guy? When there's no passion and he has no desire to fight for me or our relationship? What's the benefit of staying? My philosophy is not to stay in anything that's no longer fulfilling me in any way. He says that we perceive the relationship differently. He thinks he gives me a ton and shows me he loves me all the time, I feel the opposite. He told me that if I think he hasn't shown his love for me over the past few years then we should just break up because he clearly won't be able to satisfy me ever.

Any advice is really appreciates.

[Heather]

You really sound very clear to me that you don't want to stay in this. (He's sounding pretty done to me, too.) Nearly every statement you make here about this relationships and your feeling about that express that, as well as that this relationship has never really seemed to offer you what you've wanted.

So, I guess my question is: why do you think you're second-guessing yourself? Why do you think when you feel this strongly about moving on, you're still asking if you should? What do you feel like you have to lose here should you choose to go? Why NOT just be the friends that you are, sans sex, romance or sexual or romantic commitments?

[stlyogi9]

I'm second guessing myself because we've been together for a long time and I know him really well. I know his family really well. I think what's holding me back from just ending things right now is how he and his family and everyone we've gotten to know together over the past 2 years might perceive me as something I'm not. I like to act like I don't care what people think, but I do. I obviously haven't spoken to his family about our issues and neither has he, so the assumption is that everything is good and that we're a really good couple. The reason we would break up is me and my issues, in his opinion. He doesn't see anything wrong with our relationship and doesn't understand how we got from 'working effortlessly' to having to suddenly try really hard to make me happy. The truth is that I was just ignoring my gut feeling and got myself into this huge mess.

I'm experiencing dissonance because I really pride myself on being a good person and doing the right thing, and always treating people the way I would want to be treated. I don't want to be a heartbreaker, I want to be the nice girl that everyone likes. But that's no way to live my life. I'm afraid of the possibility that he may very well hate me for a long time. If we broke up, he wouldn't want to be friends. We're on two completely different pages about our relationship. He's currently not speaking to me because he's just about finished with his hike and doesn't want to put a damper on things. I think that alone tells me what I need to do.

He's apparently talking to my friends about us fighting but doesn't want to talk to me about it. I have a friend who's defending him and doesn't understand why I'm upset. So that's awesome and makes me feel really good.

[Amanda]

Hi stlyogi,

I think it would be helpful to take the long view here. That's great that you feel that you are the type of person who always wants to do the right thing. But how do you know what the right thing really is? I was heartbroken when my first boyfriend ended our relationship, but I now know that the end of that relationship was truly a blessing. I see it now as him setting me free. You're right, your boyfriend may not want to be your friend if you end the relationship--at all, or just not right away. And that is obviously his choice as much as it is yours. But the reality is that people drift in and out of our lives all the time, and forcing things to work the same way forever or to stay the same when we live in a world of constant change just isn't emotionally sustainable. It's sooo so so cheesy to say this, but I have literally always found it to be true: when one door closes, another door opens.

Regarding family: losing my ex's family was actually really hard on me, because they supported me through very vulnerable and formative years. But certainly families understand that few relationships last forever, especially those we form when we're young and still trying to figure out what it is we want from life. You will certainly find other amazing people, maybe the family of a future partner, who you care about just as much, or more.

Basically, it seems to me that you know you need to end the relationship, but are taking your time to process what it will mean for you as a major life transition. And that's fine. Only you can know when the time is right to make a certain decision. But just know that over time you can definitely heal, and also grow immensely.

Best of luck!