Intolerance and being a bystander

[Sunshine]

One of my colleagues at work is a trans woman. I did not not know this until fairly recently, and I don't think it would have occurred to me on my own; to me, she was always just a woman and she still is. Apparently, she already worked there before she came out, so most people knew her as a man first. Anyway, the thing is, she's in a pretty high position and people behave respectfully enough to her face, but they laugh at her behind her back and make really nasty comments and jokes that I find simply not funny. (The most "harmless" one is referring to her as "Mr. Mrs.").

I don't know whether she's aware of all this, and we're not nearly close enough for me to ask or bring it up with her even if I wanted to. I suspect she knows but doesn't give a fuck. I do, though. It makes me feel really uncomfortable, because whenever we interact, I feel self-conscious and guilty because I was there when people were saying nasty unacceptable things about her and I didn't say anything in protest. Usually, I just pretend as if I don't hear or as if I don't understand what the jokes are about. I wish I dared to speak up, but I'm afraid of just making things worse, because nobody is going to suddenly become enlightened by anything I could say. I wouldn't change anybody's mind and their behavior wouldn't stop.

At least nobody is being rude to her face and her career doesn't seem to have suffered, so maybe I should just let it go and accept that some people are narrow-minded. She doesn't need my protection or anything. I just feel guilty and uncomfortable. Any suggestions on how to deal with this in the future?

[Sam W]

Hi sunshine,

Sometimes pressing the "why is that funny" line can work. As in, pretend not to get the joke and make them explain to you what, exactly, is funny about someone being trans. Sometimes that returns the awkward to sender and they hem and haw and stop. Other times they double down, so this is definitely a your mileage may vary type scenario.

Since it's at work, you can also play the "that's disrespectful and unprofessional" angle, followed by trying to redirect the conversation to a work issue. You can also, if you feel comfortable doing so, just state very neutrally "please do not make comments like that around me." You're right that you probably can't make them stop entirely, but you can at least get them to stop around you. You'll also make it clear to them that someone in the space disagrees with their portrayal of trans people, which can sometimes (not always) make them less likely to bring it up in general.

Those are just some thoughts, with caveats given to do what's safe for both you and her and that different work cultures respond to different things.

[Sunshine]

I like the "why is that funny" angle. That sounds like something I could do, because I am really not bad at acting naive.

I might not get away with it, though, because unfortunately, when I began working there, I made a very embarrassing mistake myself. This co-worker's voice sounds different on the telephone than it does in person, in person it's a little raspy, but doesn't give the idea of the speaker being anything but a woman. For some odd reason, over the phone, it sounds 100% masculine, though. So one time, I spoke to her but didn't realize it was her, I thought it was a guy with the same name, her husband or maybe brother. (We have a lot of married couples at work and some siblings; there aren't that many other employers around here). And I said to somebody else on the team that I had discussed something with "Mr Soandso", causing great waves of laughter around the room. Finally, someone explained, which is how I came to know she is trans in the first place.

So I'm afraid my very presence is an incitement to make the jokes. I feel a little awful about it all.

[Heather]

But that's different: you made an earnest mistake.

You didn't intend to dismiss or mock anyone, nor to misgender them or make their gender identity the butt of jokes. People make mistakes, and that's not something that drives people being biased and making that bias into a funny.

So, what you can say, then, if it comes up when you hold these lines is, "Right, but I wasn't intending to mock or misgender her, I just didn't know her well enough to know and made a mistake."

Personally, if this is happening, I'd suggest bringing it to HR. This is effectively harassment and a workplace that isn't being made safe for at least one person, and you know about it, and it's the job of anyone or everyone in HR to know about and address things like this.

[Sunshine]

Thanks, Heather. Your comment made me feel better. Of course I didn't intend to mock anybody.

I have little hope that talking to HR will help... And before I take that step, shouldn't I talk to the colleague in question and ask if she's aware of the problem, if it has been addressed on any official level before and whether she even wants this to be made into any kind of a big deal right now?

[Heather]

Personally, I would not go telling a co-workers that other co-workers are mocking them behind their back, no. That sounds very hurtful to me (though that clearly isn't your intention here), and also not at all necessary.

The fact is that YOU are bothered by this all by yourself, as you should be: a workplace not being safe for someone is one that isn't safe for anyone, really. This isn't about doing something for her, specifically -- though she could certainly benefit -- or doing things on her behalf. It's about about doing something to improve the culture of your workplace so that it's safer for everyone and so there isn't discrimination where you work. This wouldn't be okay and I think is something to seek to change in any way you could, even if you knew with absolute certainty, NO ONE at your workplace or who your workplace served, was transgender. This isn't about the woman in question, though it undoubtedly impacts her, nor about you doing something FOR her. Really, being a good ally is more just about seeking to change culture in positive ways for everyone when we can, ways that should always be changed, even when, at a given time, no one is being directly impacted, rather than appointing oneself, with or without permission, someone's personal protector. Make sense?

I'd say the thing to say to HR is just that you have been witness to a pattern of hurtful statements and jokes about someone being transgender in your workplace (you don't have to identify who you know is or isn't trans, either, and I'd not say it's appropriate to even do that) and you are very uncomfortable with that and want HR to look into it and see what they need to do to address it and change that pattern. You could even suggest, if you wanted, they consider, given this pattern of insensitivity, bringing a trainer in for staff about making workplaces safe, inclusive and non-discriminatory for LGBTQ people: there are lots of organizations and individuals who provide that kind of sensitivity training and education for workplaces (I've done that kind of training for a couple businesses/organizations myself: trainers are out there and within reach, and based on the laws of where your workplace is, they may even be legally mandated to make sure no discrimination is happening and correct it with training like that when it is).

If not, let's try this: if I worked somewhere were say, people of Arabic origin were mocked publicly, even though I'm not myself of Arabic origin, I sure don't want to work somewhere where racism or xenophobia are tolerated and running rampant. I know doing what I could to get that addressed would benefit my co-workers of Arabic origin, but everyone, including myself, would also benefit from that, and, IMO, it's also everyone's responsibility to do what we can to cull this stuff when we know it's happening, because that's part of our responsibility as a part of any community, including workplaces, whether or not what's happening directly impacts us or is about us.