Boundary talk

[Tanea_M]

Hi,
I'm not sure if I'm right here, as I'm not exactly a teen any more. Still, I have found this site very helpful in the past.

Here's my question:
A few month back I met a guy, S. We instantly hit it off and spent a few days (and nights) together. I was only there for a few weeks and since I came back we have kept contact. About a week after I came back to my hometown, I was sexually assaulted in my sleep and have since developed a PTSD.

Through all this time, we (S & me) have kept talking. He knows what happened and he has been of great comfort for me. We recently started to write us sexy stories on Skype, which has lifted my spirits significantly, for I feel somehow more like myself and less like a victim.
However, he seems to keep insisting on things that I told him I wasn't comfortable with (p.e. masturbating in front of the camera or sending pictures). He says that I should just trust him and that he really wants this. Although I've told him repeatedly that he should stop insisting, he always tries again and makes me feel bad when I say no (again).

I know that, ultimately, I would have to cut him off completely if this doesn't change, but I would rather make it work somehow. Like I said, I feel more like a whole sexual being of my own when I share those "sexy time" moments with him and I'd rather not lose that possibility.

Am I being oversensitive because of the PTSD or especially needy? I feel like most of the time I can't distinguish anymore if I can't trust my own feelings on something.

I would really like to find a way to get him to respect the decisions I make regarding these very intimate matters.
How can I tell him that I don't want him to behave like this without "putting him in a corner"?

[Sunshine]

Hey there,

in my opinion, the best strategy is usually to be straight-forward and honest. If you aren't comfortable with something, you can say just that: "I am not comfortable with this / I don't want to do this / it doesn't feel okay for me". If you find his insistence uncomfortable, you can say for example: "It makes me feel really uncomfortable / pressured / (whatever emotion most suits your case) that you keep asking for this, and I would like you to stop."

For the record, I would not be comfortable with masturbating in front of my partner (of many years) via skype either, nor would I send him nude photographs over the internet. And I do not have PTSD, nor have I had any major trauma in my sex life.

I must say my alarm bells are ringing a little at the "he keeps insisting" and "he says I should just trust him" bits. That is not an okay thing to do in any case, and especially not in one like yours where a person has been sexually traumatized.

I've had my share of "he keeps asking and I feel bad for saying no" in my relationship, and for me / us, it has worked really well that I stop feeling sorry, because there's really nothing to feel sorry about, there is no right a partner has to any kind of sexual activity. After I convinced myself of this (really convinced), I was finally able to communicate clearly and unequivocally. I explained how bad it is for me when he keeps asking for things I don't want or am not in the mood for, and he understood. Since then, things have been much better.

I am very sorry that you have to deal with all this. And I think you should definitely trust your own feelings. If something feels icky, don't do it. Just don't. A partner has to be able to respect your boundaries.

[Heather]

I also want to validate your feelings and your desire to have your limits respected as valid. That's not something only survivors want: it's something everyone wants, and this guy would likely be feeling similarly were you stepping on, pushing past and trying to invalidate HIS limits and feelings.

Too, I think "a corner" is actually the right place to put someone if and when all other tries at getting our limits respected by them aren't working, and the only next step is to just get and stay away from them. In other words, being confrontational is all anyone CAN do in this kind of situation if they are not ready or willing to just be done, and also how we often find out if getting and staying away is our only right choice left, you know?

[Tanea_M]

Thank you so much for your kind replies!

I haven't talked to him since, but when we do and he does this again, I will confront it as you suggest.

It has taught me a lot about how entitlement can really work, if the other person doesn't oppose it decidedly. Like, he has been pushing boundaries and although I have told him no, I still have ceded in some ways and felt bad afterwards.

So, it doesn't make me happy and if it makes him happy to get something just because he put pressure, it's not good either.

What is really odd is that when we were together, there was a situation that was quite the reversal: I wanted sex and he didn't because he was tired. I repeatedly tried to wake him up and then left the bed and got mad, because he still wanted to sleep. Only now I realized that I was doing the exact same thing and it wasn't ok of me. He must have felt pressured, too

[Eddie C]

Things like that happen, we make mistakes and we learn. The difference is you left the bed and dealt with your frustration and am pretty sure you won't insist in the same again. Learning about boundaries can be tricky and sometimes a bummer but it is necessary.

I hope you don't mind I jump in tow give you my two cents, I just wanted to say one thing. When we talk about boundaries we always feel like we need to justify or have a good reason for them and that is going to be very hard because what is important to us can -- and most often will be -- different from what is important to the rest of the world. "I don't feel comfortable doing this or that because I have PTSD" is not the reason why you are setting a boundary. The very important part of that sentence is "I do NOT feel comfortable", which should be enough. We even have the right to say no, and not have a reason for it, you know?