The Nuh-uhs

[Karyn]

So, you got out of an abusive relationship (rock on, you!).

Now that you have, or since you have, you obviously want to do all you can to never get trapped in one again.

Obviously, we can only see so much coming: none of us is psychic, and as many of us know all too well, abusive people can be slippery and manipulative and awfully hard to see coming.

But one thing we can do is to form some hard lines, some dealbreakers, some things someone might do that can tip us off to them not being healthy or healthy for us, things where we just go "Oh, nuh UH," and vow to turn away and get gone ASAP, rather than getting pulled in.

We might be talking about someone saying really sexist stuff, someone demonstrating in some way they can't manage their anger, someone who is very jealous or possessive, someone who says things that suggest they want to control how we dress, who we hang out with, how we spend our time.

Do you have any of these now? What are they?

Originally posted by Heather at the old boards here: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimat ... 00610.html

[Ariel28]

A major factor is looking for controlling or patronizing statements. Red flags immediately fly up in my head should I hear variations or things similar to the following (with examples):

*"Don't worry, next time I'll be there to make sure you make a better decision."

Legally-aged adult has too much to drink with best friend at home. Boyfriend says 'it'd be hard to trust a friend who let me get that drunk but don't worry, I'll make sure you don't go overboard in the future.' It was her choice to drink as much as she did and her responsibility to learn from it and control herself in the future or *ask* for help if she felt she needed it. No one asked him to make her adult decisions for her. Or tell her when to trust her friends. (Btw- she's an occasional (normally light) drinker.)

*"I hope you don't mind that I can get a little obsessive and over-protective when taking care of my girl."

I feel a trap here. It's nice to be cared for and looked after but please keep in mind that I am a strong woman who can handle herself. If I need help, I will ask for it. I don't need you to jump in and defend me every time a friend teases or to micro-manage my life. I'm not a fragile pet. Don't treat me as such. Also- obsession is scary. I'm not interested in being the object of it.

*"I understand you feel that way but this is how I feel so I hope you know it's important to me to do things my way."

I would prefer it if a guy doesn't pay for all meals. The first few when dating or later as special things if he wants but I would like to also treat my special someone to a meal once-in-a-while. However, he felt men should always be the one to pay for every aspect of the date. It's 'chivalrous after all.' To me, it felt like a lack of compromise.

*"It's okay if you never say you love me because I know how you really feel and that's what is important."

When he specifically asked 'do you love me?' (on multiple occasions), I specifically said 'I'm not ready for that level' (each time!). I even asked to slow things down so I could have time to figure out my emotions and see if I would or would not reach the same level. Don't presume my feelings and think you can pressure me into them.

These are a few things I have seen family members caught in abuse deal with or that I have dealt with myself. Just a few of the red flag warnings I've got. I see these- I run, and don't look back.

//Thought this sounded like a great topic that could be very useful for people and hope that by responding more answers will come!//

[Heather]

These are great additions, Ariel, thanks so much for pitching in with them!

[Show Me Love]

I feel what I'm going to say is really obvious, but there was a time when I didn't realise the obvious danger behind these words:

"No one will ever love you like I do".

It gives me chills just to write it down >_<

[Ashleah]

That's a common one Show Me Love, but I don't think it is obvious to a lot of folks. I think the guise of love is something abusive partners try to hide behind. Trying to conflate love and abuse, which is impossible, but makes the abuse hard to recognize. Saying that their controlling behaviors are the result of their love...

"I don't want you hanging around other people bc I'm just worried that someone will try to do something to you."

"If you respected me the way that I respect you then you wouldn't talk to other people/ do certain things."

"You should just listen to my advice bc I know how other _____ think."

'

[Heather]

ShowMeLove, I agree with Ashleah: would that that were obvious! But like so many statements that have been culturally made to be thought of as romantic -- a similar one is something to the tune of, "I just love you so much, it makes me crazy," -- it's often anything but. All too many people will hear something like that and think "Aww," when they really should be thinking, "Ack!"

[Show Me Love]

Yeah. It's not only that "my love for you is so great that it makes me do crazy things", but the idea behind the phrase is "you're so [ugly/stupid/immature/unworthy/whatever] that no one will ever love you as much as I do; I'm your only chance, and as good as you can get". It disguises to say "my love is so great that I'd always beat anyone at loving you" but it's actually reducing your worth. "You're worth this and nothing more; dare to leave me, and you'll never find anyone who loves you equal/more than me".

I can still hear the voice of my abuser saying the dreaded phrase. Over the years (almost 10 now, but I've just learnt last year that I had been abused and raped) I have forgotten his face a bit, but being a very auditive person, I still recall his voice/speech particularities, phrases, etc. (Though come to think of it, I also recall scenes; just not his face clearly).