Want to have a good sex life with my boyfriend, yet I'm too squeamish and uptight about sex. How can I overcome it?

[12Then5]

Backstory: I'm a 25-year-old woman who is in a relationship with a 25-year-old man. We met summer of 2014 when we were both 23, started going out not too long after, and we've been going steady since. We've celebrated our 24th and 25th birthdays together. Neither of us ever had consensual sexual relations with another person before each other. We dated for about a year before we started engaging in sexual activities with each other (at my insistence), although it's been difficult to work up a good sex life because I'm too nervous, frightened, and squeamish about sex to enjoy it.

My background with sex isn't a good one. It feels cliche to say, but I was molested by my father as a child. My mom was a brilliant doctor who married an abusive drunk, who spent all her money and knocked her around when she got home despite doing nothing but sitting around drinking and watching sports on TV himself. When her friend from college offered her a job she desperately needed out of state, she moved ahead and left my baby sister and I behind when I was 3-4. We were left alone with him for several months and I... well, with my mom not around and I being the eldest, you can imagine the rest. Thankfully when we went to join mom in her new place, she'd gotten used to life without my dad and promptly booted him out, so I never had to deal with it again.

Regardless, I grew up to not enjoy being touched.

Present Situation: My boyfriend's a great guy; very sweet, kind, patient, understanding, a HUGE cuddle-bug, never pressures me into anything I'm not ready for (we didn't become sexually active till a full year after we started dating, so that speaks to how patient he is), settles for cuddling and kissing when I don't want sex, etc. etc. However, he has needs too. Even though he's a good sport about it, I can tell that he really wants to have sex; so I don't think it's right to inflict a completely sexless relationship on him just because I want it.

Like I said, after a year we started having sex. (I don't think either of us had to worry about STIs, and I'm on the pill.) For about six months we've been trying to work up a good sex life. However, since he's never had sex with anybody else before me and I don't have any consensual sexual experiences, we're both very inexperienced, awkward, and fumbling. On top of that, I've got a few really huge emotional and physical hangups.

Emotional: He tends to get really eager when we're about to have sex, which just makes me nervous because eagerness can come across as aggression to my lizard brain. Since I've got too much experience with an aggressive male forcing himself on me, whenever my boyfriend eagerly starts groping and kissing at me I just wanna lie still and wait till it's over. ("Lie back and think of England," as they say.) I don't want to tell him this though because I don't want him to feel bad, or feel like he isn't free to express himself the way he feels comfortable in bed. I can't really hide my reservations though because he REALLY likes to/wants to see me get off in bed, yet I'm really bad at faking it, so when I'm not having fun he can tell and it makes him feel bad.

Physical: He's got a ... REALLY BIG you-know-what when he's aroused, and it turns out I've got really small lady parts. It's physically painful trying to have penal/vaginal penetrative sex because... well, that's a really big key trying to fit into a really small keyhole. He says I'm just nervous and tense and that I should try to relax so it won't hurt, but honestly by now I just anticipate the pain and feel tense accordingly. I also don't know any way to calm myself down. I've been trying to do kegel exercises and touch myself down there and practice inserting my fingers (first one then two then three), to get used to the feeling of being touched and penetrated down there, but I don't know if that's enough.

By now you're probably thinking we could do other kinds of sex since penetrative is clearly not working. Yeah, about that...

Oral sex: I hate oral sex. I don't wanna do it. First, I did it too often as a little kid. I don't wanna give oral to a man again. Second, I have this weird hangup that I think oral sex is revolting. (Sorry people here who love it.) The mouth is on our face and where we eat, whereas the genitals are on our lower regions and close to where we expel waste. I don't wanna touch the place I eat to the place someone else expels waste. Nor do I want my boyfriend to do it to me. I've let him go down on me many times as a compromise to other forms of sex we haven't been having because I'm too uptight (both physically and emotionally), and it always hurts his feelings when he goes down on me and then tries to kiss me on the mouth and I won't let him. I'm sorry, but I don't wanna kiss him on the mouth right after his mouth was on the place where I pee. No!

Our society is so obsessed with Oral Sex and I don't know why. I personally find the idea of it very gross (again, very sorry to people here who love it, but that's how I feel), yet I try to be a good sport and do it anyway, yet I just feel so grossed out while I do it or receive it that I can't wait till it's over. (Another "Lie back and think of England," or worse, "Pretend to orgasm so he'll stop" situation.) Is there any way I can overcome this?

Manual sex: I'm just as nervous to touch a man there with my hands as with my mouth. Again, way too much practice there as a child. My boyfriend has tried to do it for me, with limited results. He has very calloused hands and a lot of strength there, but I require a more... um... delicate touch. I've tried giving him directions on how to make it more pleasurable, but sadly he's not the best on following directions in bed.

Anal: No. End of discussion.

I feel so bad. We dated for a year without any sex, then we started to have sex but I'm just so squeamish and uptight that it hasn't been that pleasurable for either of us. I feel so tense and nervous about any kind of sex that I end up just lying still and wishing it'll be over soon. However, he really wants me to enjoy myself and can't really get off unless I'm getting off, so I can't fake it (even if I could, which I can't, because Aspergers; I have no acting skills.) So, he's aware that I'm unhappy and tries to be good to me in bed to make up for it, but I can't get over my hangups so then it just ends up hurting his feelings more and making him feel like a failure both as a lover and a boyfriend.

The only kind I'm comfortable with the idea of is penal/vaginal penetrative sex, yet I guess I get so tense that it's physically painful. To be blunt, I don't want to touch his dick with my mouth or my hands, yet he's willing to touch my nether region with his mouth and hands, which makes me very hypocritical since I've let him go down on me when he couldn't penetrate me, and I just don't know what to do.

How do I get over these physical and emotional hangups?

[Carmen]

Hi 12then5,

I am so sorry you have gone through what you have. It sounds like you have put a lot of good thought into this and reflecting on your feelings and possible solutions which is awesome. I think it is important to remember that you should never have to put yourself in a painful or otherwise unwanted sexual situation (or any other unwanted situation for that matter). Even if it feels as if it is for the sake of the relationship, no one ever owes anyone else sex. Practicing a healthy sexual relationship should never put one partner in unwanted pain and you should not have to resign yourself to a passive or painful sex life. Are there any ways you have ever approached sex that you have felt excited about?

I am glad that your boyfriend seems cogniscent of your wants but I want to emphasize that it is unhealthy for you to feel guilty if his wants cannot be fulfilled. And to remember, like I said before, no one ever owes anyone else sex. Have you had any conversations with your boyfriend about what you talked about here -- the ways in which sex is painful for you and/or why you have the kinds of physical and emotional hangups you described? If so, how did they go for you?

It is a process to go through healing from assault - a process you cannot necessarily control - and it may be helpful to set some boundaries and limits for yourself, even if just temporarily, by identifying what you feel comfortable doing and what you don't. I read in another post of yours that you have a therapist - have you talked to them about this kind of thing? Or are their other coping mechanisms you've found that have worked for you in the past that have helped you heal from your assault?
If you want to roam more around the idea of self-care options this is a great option: Self-Care a La Carte

(On a sexual health side note: I would advise you not to dismiss the risk of any STIs. Even just routine STI check-ups are important for anyone who has been sexually active or had sexual contact with another partner. If you want any help finding an accessible place to do that we can help you find you one).

[Heather]

Moving forward in this conversation, I think it might be helpful, and also best, if the way you thought about any of this was about whatever it is YOU want, for yourself, rather than what someone else wants, or you feel you have to do/have/be FOR this other person. Because really, all you ever owe anyone else and yourself is yourself, and that's all we can ever really be anyway. And if, in relationship with someone else, there can't be room for us to be who we are, as we are, and at whatever place we're in with something, it's just not going to work for anyone. If and when someone -- or we, ourselves -- has things set up so we have to be someone we're not, or at a place with something we're just not yet, or where it feels like we have to hurry to get there OR ELSE, it's the setup that's really the problem, not you being who you are and where you're at with all this.

I want to address this with you:

The only kind I'm comfortable with the idea of is penal/vaginal penetrative sex, yet I guess I get so tense that it's physically painful. To be blunt, I don't want to touch his dick with my mouth or my hands, yet he's willing to touch my nether region with his mouth and hands, which makes me very hypocritical since I've let him go down on me when he couldn't penetrate me, and I just don't know what to do.

In healthy sexual relationships, it's not about quid pro quo, and no one should be doing anything sexual they don't enjoy doing. Presumably, since this is how this stuff tends to go, what your boyfriend has been doing with you sexually are things he has been doing because he enjoys doing them -- which is usually both about his own pleasure, but also about giving you pleasure, or, in this case, getting the idea he is, because you're not telling him you don't like doing this -- NOT because he is trying to "earn" you doing the same to him. When we engage in, as an example, oral sex with a partner where it's their genitals and our mouths, usually that's because we are enjoying what we're doing as much as they are. The fact that our genitals aren't engaged doesn't somehow make that activity a chore, something that isn't about us, or something we don't enjoy. (Mouths and fingers, for the record, have around the same number of sensory nerve receptors as the genitals do, so someone "giving" oral sex or manual sex truly is no less stimulated.)

So, this isn't about hypocrisy. This is -- ideally -- about him doing what he enjoys and is comfortable with, you doing what you enjoy and are comfortable with, and neither of you doing anything you don't enjoy or aren't comfortable with. Follow me there?

It might also be because, so far (or even if this winds up being an always for you, YOU don't enjoy "giving" those activities yourself, it's harder for you to wrap your head around someone else enjoying that. But you also are saying you don't enjoy this regardless, something I'll address in a reply following this one.

I also think this piece might be a goodie for you: Reciprocity, Reloaded. It sounds like the learned framework you have around this stuff is part of what's tripping you up here, so looking at something that suggests a more sex-positive and interpersonally healthy framework might be of use.

I would also put in a big vote for being as honest with him about all of this as you have been with us here. Really, that's the way to get to the good stuff, for everyone, and I don't think anyone is helped by being "protected" from a partner's sexual truths and honest feelings. The way we make a sexual life with someone else that everyone feels good about and everyone enjoys is through open and honest communication. If and when any of us are really ready to be sexual with someone else, one big part of that is being ready for everyone's realities, rather than only being ready for what we want or we want someone else to want and feel. Make sense?

[Heather]

I don't think it's right to inflict a completely sexless relationship on him just because I want it.

If you do NOT want sex with him or anyone else, I don't think having any kind of sex you don't really, really want is a good idea. It's just not a healthy way to go for anyone, and can be particularly bad for survivors of any kind of sexual trauma, like abuse or assault. It also doesn't create emotionally healthy, mutually beneficial sexual relationships.

If you want something from me I don't have or don't really want to give or share, trying to make myself have it, or giving it over when I don't feel very okay with that? Not the way to go. And the good news is that none of us are the only people on earth to have a thing someone else wants from another person or wants for themselves they can also do for themselves. So, if and when we don't have it to give, in any respect, we never have to worry about leaving someone else utterly without something they want because of that, sex very much included.

If you don't want a sexual relationship with someone, or with anyone, at any time, it IS not only fair for you to ask for that, that's also going to be the only right way to go to best take care of yourself, and create relationships with others that are healthy for everyone involved, including you. This isn't about "inflicting" anything on someone else: this is about being real and honest about what you do and don't want, and someone else making choices, knowing that, based on what they do. If you don't want a sexual relationship and someone else does, they can always seek one out with someone who does, and you and that person can figure out the kind of relationship to have together that does only have things in it you both want, not just one of you.

To give this a different context, in case it helps, let's say you love going to football games, it's like your whole freaking life, and I feel like I must have done something terrible because sitting in a sports arena freezing my butt off while a bunch of dudes run around throwing a ball like someone's life somehow depends on it and a bunch of people act like it IS that important feels like utter torture, and I'd rather chew glass. My saying that I know you love football and I hate it, and so I don't want to go to football games with you wouldn't be making you do anything. Because, after all, if you just don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to go to football games, you get to choose not to be. If you're perfectly happy, on the other hand, doing that by yourself or with someone else, and having a relationship with me that only involves things we both enjoy, that can easily work for us, too.

If there is anything sexual you're currently doing that you don't want to be doing -- like, really want to be doing -- I would strongly advise you set a hard limit with that, pronto. I also can't imagine your partner would want to be doing anything you don't really, really want, because people who aren't sociopaths don't tend to feel at all good about that.

I don't know about you, but I'd feel way, waaaaaay worse finding out later -- and this stuff usually always comes out at some point -- that I was having any kind of sex with someone who didn't really want to be doing that than I would having someone just be real with me from the front that what I want isn't what they want, and then not doing that thing. It's pretty easy to deal with not getting something sexual we want. It's much, much harder, and can even be outright traumatic, to find out we were doing something sexual with someone who didn't want it and felt they couldn't tell us no, or like they were doing us some kind of favor by pretending they wanted something they didn't feel good about or want at all.

If you want to talk more about why you think you've been feeling like you owe him sex, or have to be sexual to keep him around or "be fair" -- that's what a lot of this sounds like to me -- I'm happy to talk more about that with you, and to try and help you process all of that so you can start moving more to a place of only having any kind of sex (including if that's no kind at all) that's enthusiastically consensual for everyone involved.

[Sunshine]

Dear 12then5,

I really, really want to second what Heather says here:

I don't know about you, but I'd feel way, waaaaaay worse finding out later -- and this stuff usually always comes out at some point -- that I was having any kind of sex with someone who didn't really want to be doing that than I would having someone just be real with me from the front that what I want isn't what they want, and then not doing that thing. It's pretty easy to deal with not getting something sexual we want. It's much, much harder, and can even be outright traumatic, to find out we were doing something sexual with someone who didn't want it and felt they couldn't tell us no, or like they were doing us some kind of favor by pretending they wanted something they didn't feel good about or want at all.

I just "closed my eyes and thought of England" in bed during the early stages of my relationship and also faked sexual pleasure to "get things over with", and it nearly ruined the relationship. My poor partner was so hurt and shocked when he found out. It took years to rebuild his trust in me, and it was also really bad for his own issues with sex and sexual shame.

I understand, I really do understand, if you wish you could be happily sexual right now, for both your sake and your boyfriend's, and I am so sorry it's not happening. I also cannot say how sorry I am that you had to go through such terrible abuse as a child.

You have every right to take things slow and try out what exactly you like, and to stick to those activities only, and only at times when you feel like them. I think that if you give yourself a lot of time and get rid of any kind of pressure around sex, you have very good chances of finding pleasure in it in your own way.

About the anatomical problem you mentioned: If there isn't anything really unusual about your body (and a gynecologist should be able to tell you that), chances are good that with time, relaxation and age, the feeling of being too tight and too small might fade. The vagina is a very flexible organ and can stretch in amazing ways, but only if you are really, really into what you're doing, comfortable, relaxed, aroused and properly lubricated.

Sorry if this post is a bit much on top of the two replies you have already received, but some of the things you said just resonated with me. I hope things get better for you. If there's anything you'd like to discuss further, let me know.

[Heather]

Cosign with all of what Sunshine said.

(And yep, the vagina itself doesn't actually come in a size, much like one-size-fits-all tights don't. So there really aren't big or small vaginas, like there can be bigger or smaller penises or bigger and smaller clitoral glans. It's flexible, with there really only being size variances in the way back, it's just that HOW flexible it is at a given time, for a person, with given things varies, and sparing things like changes with menopause, and the differences in the body pre-puberty, that's mostly about things like arousal, lubrication, relaxation and the desire to have something inside of it in the first place.)

I know this has been a LOT of input all at once, btw, so it's probably best if all of us step back until you come back around to take it all in and respond to any of it as you'd like, letting us know what direction you want to take this in from here. ::moonwalks back::