Constant desire to cheat?

[hottersadness]

I feel like such a horrible person for this, but I just turned 20, I'm engaged, and I have this horrible burning desire to cheat on my fiance. We made it clear to each other when we first started dating that we want to be monogamous and we've always had the understanding that cheating is not something we would forgive each other for. And I didn't want to cheat on him for awhile. But before we got engaged I started wanting to have sex with other men. I'm still in college and I feel like I never got to explore around because my relationship from ages 15-18 was with a man who raped me when I was 15. Then I left him, started sleeping with a guy at my college freshman year and then he just used me and left after a couple of nights together. Then I met my fiance and I really fell for him and we're perfect for each other.
I'm confused because there's nothing wrong with our relationship at all! I'm so in love with him and he's so loving and understanding and he's always there for me when I have issues with PTSD and stuff like that. I'm still very attracted to him and he still loves having sex with me. But still I constantly find myself fighting the urge to sleep with other guys. I always try to rationalize it like "Well, if we just makeout it's not really cheating" but then I know that's not true and so I talk myself out of it because I know it's a bad idea.
But what do I do? Exploring with other men would mean losing my fiance and I love him and he's the man I want to marry and spend my life with. And I know it's incredibly selfish of me to think this way because I would be so hurt if he constantly wanted to have sex with other women? What's wrong with me?? Why do I keep feeling like I need to betray the person I care about the most?

[Heather]

I hope as we talk about this you can take it easy on yourself. Not only is it really hard to make big choices well if and when we are beating ourselves up, it just does not give anything good to anyone, you know?

Also, with decisions about our lives, not only is it okay to be selfish to some degree, you have to, because otherwise you cannot very well consider yourself, and it is your life.

I hear you saying that you known for quite some time you do not feel ready to start settling down with someone, even someone you love and think is awesome. I hear you saying you feel like it is too soon for you, because you have not yet had opportunities to consider other options you want, including the option to date, rather than being monogamous or married. Particularly considering how young you are, and that you went from years of something abusive to almost right into this without time on your own, let alone to date or even figure out what you wanted around that.

Does that sound about right?

If so, is this something you have ever talked about together, at all? If not, any sense of why not since you are clearly in such conflict?

[hottersadness]

I hope as we talk about this you can take it easy on yourself. Not only is it really hard to make big choices well if and when we are beating ourselves up, it just does not give anything good to anyone, you know?

Also, with decisions about our lives, not only is it okay to be selfish to some degree, you have to, because otherwise you cannot very well consider yourself, and it is your life.

I hear you saying that you known for quite some time you do not feel ready to start settling down with someone, even someone you love and think is awesome. I hear you saying you feel like it is too soon for you, because you have not yet had opportunities to consider other options you want, including the option to date, rather than being monogamous or married. Particularly considering how young you are, and that you went from years of something abusive to almost right into this without time on your own, let alone to date or even figure out what you wanted around that.

Does that sound about right?

If so, is this something you have ever talked about together, at all? If not, any sense of why not since you are clearly in such conflict?

Yeah that's pretty much my situation. We haven't talked about this because I know it would break my fiance's heart if I expressed this after I said yes to marrying him and also we had agreed at the beginning of our relationship that we're exclusive so I feel like it would be wrong to try and go back on that. I know if I said what's on my mind it would change everything and when I weigh exploring with other guys or being able to marry my fiance against each other my fiance is definitely what I care about the most. I just don't know how to shake this constant feeling. I think it's because I'm really not confident and so any form of validation from a man that I'm desirable immediately makes me feel better about myself (which I realized is fucked up and I would like to work on that). I get so flirty and I know I'm probably crossing the line at some points. I'm just very confused right now

[Jacob]

Hi hottersadness,

I think for me the most positive thing here is what you say in parenthesis, which is your desire to work on confidence. Really that kind of work, be it with professionals or through your own reading, is the real stuff of personal growth and building the life and relationships which really work for you.

From what you're saying it sounds like the fear of losing this relationship is strong enough that it could be getting in the way of doing things differently, even if he wanted it to be different too. It may be that flexibility isn't in him at this point in his life... it may be that he gets hurt too. But the idea that a heartbreak is permanent or the worst thing that can happen isn't true in my opinion. Long miserable relationships where we deny what we really want are way worse. They are the environments where hurting happens much more, be it through resentment or where cheating becomes a regular part of that hurt. Compared to that, communication, hearing the stuff we might not want to hear, is a blessing which hurts but can heal.

We can't iron out your desire for different things... I also wouldn't want to, it is perfectly healthy to question your wants, to change your mind and to grow.

Have you thought much about what might help you do that? You spoke about working on confidence, is there more that comes to mind when you think about that?

[Heather]

I have some things to throw into the ring here just for you to think about, and then discuss more here, if you like.

One big thing I'd say is that with long-term, committed relationships, it's basically a given there is never such a thing as a one-time-answer. In other words, what there is instead is a lot of negotiation and then renegotiation, evaluation and reevaluation, adjustments and readjustments over time. This is simply the nature of working, healthy close relationships over time because we do not stay the same as people, and our circumstances also often change, as time passes. All the more so if and when people are very young, so all of those things are much more likely to not only change, but change often. I hear you hung up on things you agreed to as seeming inflexible and like things you do not have the ability to reconsider, change or adjust. And what I'd say about that is: if you can't do that now, so early on, how will you do it later? You're both going to have to do it with things, including some big ones, if you do stay a huge part of each other's lives -- especially if we're talking marriage or anything like one, and all the more if that also may mean kids and other family -- so you will need to be able to do it for a long-term relationship to work and grow.

I'd also suggest considering what kind of a relationship you want this to be. While for those who want marriage and choose it, what they want that relationship to be like varies, for a lot of people, I'd say what they want is for that person to be the person they tell, if not everything to, everything that's big and matters, for sure. They are after a real partner, a best friend, someone who is their lead go-to person when they need support. Is that what you want here? If so, it seems to me not talking about any of these concerns, feelings or doubts doesn't support that kind of relationship and may, in fact, doom having that kind of relationship from the get-go.

In a word, do you want this relationship to be one where you build and nurture real intimacy, or where you avoid it and have it be limited? If what you want is the former, we really can't NOT have these kinds of conversations, because being honest and real like this -- not even with the hard stuff, but especially with it -- is really what builds real intimacy. Avoiding these conversations and withholding these truths is what assures we will limit how close we actually can get to each other.

It seems to me that someone who is our best friend, or who we want to be, someone who we intend to make a real-deal partner in our lives is someone we should be able to voice doubts like that we are worried we still have a lot of work to do processing our abuse we have not done before we can move forward in life and make huge agreements. Or voice that we are young, and feel we really need more time to be sure about what we want, or have certain freedoms, before we restrict them in a big way that involves that person and agreements with them we don't want to make that we are not 300% sure of. We should be able to say something like, "You know, I was so excited about <whatever thing, like you asking me to marry you> that I just didn't really think it through to be sure that something so big and important was really something I could agree to so soon in my life, especially given how little time (if any) I have had on my own to even find out who I am, especially after years of abuse. I'm still excited, but can we talk about slowing things down some here and perhaps giving each other a little more room before we take such a huge step?" (Mind, for all you know, if he's around your same age, he may have similar concerns, btw. 20 is awfully early to make lifelong commitments, after al, for anyone.)

There are, of course, ways to voice these things that are hurtful or more likely to hurt him. For instance, "I feel the need to be with other man," is a kind of statement that obviously could come out pretty rough. However, talking about this like I just did up there, as an example, might still be hard to say and hear, but it's probably going to be more productive. So, if some of the issue here is that you want to be honest and open, but don't feel like you know how to do that in ways that cause the least amount of pain, we can help you with that.

You say this person feels perfect for you: can I ask what it is about them that does? And in any of that, are there things like, "Because I know they accept me, even when they might not be happy with me," or "Because I know I can say almost anything to them and they will work through it with me," or "Because I know they truly have my best interests at heart." The things that make this relationships generally feel like such a good fit, and this person: are they things where it would fit for you to withhold big feelings like this, or things where you withholding out of fear would actually be in conflict, on your part, with what makes this so great?

[Heather]

I want to add one more thing, in terms of you being an abuse survivor.

It's super-important that anyone, with that history or not, feels in control of their own lives and choices But when you spent your formative years -- and your only other romantic relationship -- in abuse, I would say it is at least twice as important.

In other words, for you to heal, and reclaim your own life, I think it's critical you not feel beholden to other people's wants, pacing or choices, or feel like you have to do something someone else wants, or only at the pace that works for them. Because if so, then there you are again, without control over your own life and relationship choices, or feeling like you can't even consider, let alone make, your own choices because of what someone else wants.

I would strongly advise any abuse survivor -- and again, anyone, but all the more so survivors, and a very recent one, no doubt -- do all they can to avoid stepping into that kind of situation. And I'd also add that if it feels like it just happened, or you have no choice, that if nothing else, you do what you need to to get some time to get some help and support from a counselor of some kind to at least help you get a read on where you are with your healing from abuse, and assure that before you make any more big commitments to someone else, that choice is not something that's strongly informed by you simply being used to a pattern of not feeling able to make your own choices, if you get me. Because, that, obviously, would be very bad for you, but bad for everyone, really, and not be something you would be likely to build a healthy, worming, long-term relationship on.

In a word, I'd also be sure to really evaluate how much your abuse history -- and where you are at in your healing, especially if that's work you feel like you haven't even started, let alone made some real progress yet, which would be mighty hard to do in such a short timeline -- may be playing a part here. Not about you having desires for other people -- that's just human, and it's also very normal for anyone who is young and hasn't yet had the chance to even explore all their options and opportunities in this department -- but you entering into an agreement to marry so fast, not taking time away from romantic relationships to do your own healing and learn to live your own life, and in feeling like you can't voice the doubts you are having here, or that you must be a hideous person (you're not) for having them.

[hottersadness]

Thank you all so much for your input!

So, I know that I said telling my fiance would break his heart and all that but I also do know for a fact that he would not be up for being in a relationship with someone who wants to experiment around for a bit. He does care about me though and so if that's something I wanted he wouldn't try to stop me, but he just wouldn't want to be a part of a relationship like that, which I think is fair because he definitely didn't sign up for that and I fucked up too by not saying I needed things to go slower at the beginning.

And all that being said, I can't believe I forgot to mention this in the beginning of my post but I was recently diagnosed as bi-polar and so I often get these sudden wild impulses that I normally wouldn't get. Like I'll want to jump in my car and drive far away for no reason or suddenly want to change my appearance drastically. And so I'll go through these waves of like really lusting after other men and needing that validation that I am attractive to multiple people. But then they die down and I only want sex with my fiance and I feel guilty for the thoughts I had earlier and I just can't wait to get married.

Also I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him. No doubt, I want to grow old with him and start a family and all of that. And I do feel like I can tell him anything. Normally I do. He's the first person I ever told that I was raped. This is the first thing I've felt like I need to hide from him because I just don't know if my impulses are enough to possibly destroy our relationship over.

[Heather]

Did you know you needed things to go more slowly form the start? If not, you did not mess up by not saying so, because you didn't know. But you can still say so now, you really can.

Per your bipolar disorder, are you taking medication and getting help from a therapist? If not, with either, can we help connect you with that? Obviously, even just figuring out if what you want is based in manic phases or in your feelings separate from the BPD seems to me to be a very important thing to know to figure all of this out for yourself.

[Keda]

What Heather said there is really important - you can't control your feelings; you can train yourself to think in certain ways that are less likely to lead you to certain emotions (like improving your self-confidence as was mentioned earlier), and you can learn to recognise where your feelings are coming from, and if some of them are BPD stuff and others are from your more normal self. But all that is quite indirect, and it can be a slow process: you're never ever to blame for just having a feeling, because it's out of your control.

Personally, if my partner was feeling things which would hurt me, or which might threaten our relationship, I'd really want her to tell me, because I'd want to be the person she had at her side in dealing with it and figuring out what she wanted and needed; and more to the point, I'd want her to want me to be that person. I don't know if your fiance would feel the same, but even if he didn't - you wouldn't be doing anything wrong by telling him how you feel. As Heather said, whenever you make a long-term agreement with someone, it comes with the implied condition of "This is how I feel now, it might change, but we can't see the future so let's do this now and if things change down the line, we'll deal". You're not betraying anyone by getting engaged, and then finding out later on that marriage might not be the best decision for you, either ever or just right now.

I get the impression you feel like the bad guy here just for feeling like you want to have sex with other people, but in fact the "good guy/bad guy" stuff is about the decisions you make. There's a world of difference between going out and being sexual with someone else without telling your partner, or telling your partner how you feel and ending with either "I don't think this relationship is going to work" or "I don't know what I want, can you support me while I figure this out" or "I still want to get married, I just need <time to work this out/support from you/support from a counsellor or therapist/something else>" (or something else entirely), and there's another world of difference between those two and keeping quiet and trying to cope with this on your own. I guess my point is you're not in a double bind - it's a situation which is already hurting you and will hurt your partner one way or another, but you've still got lots of options in terms of dealing with it in a positive way, which could end up with you guys having a stronger and closer relationship, or could end with you guys getting the valuable information that you're not as compatible as you thought (either because you decide that you're not up for the kind of relationship he is, or because he decides that he's not able to cope with where you are in life at the moment). I do, of course, hope it's the former; but even the latter would be better than you both railroading yourselves into what might not be a good relationship for either of you.