Is 3 days or bleeding after virginity loss normal?

[linsey17]

Lost my virginity on the 16th and I'm still bleeding. Its not heavy at all but its bright red and have a feeling it will proabbly last for a few more days. I'm also on BC so could that be making the bleeding worse? I had a very thick hymen and was never able to put a tampon in, so is this normal?
Thank you!

[Johanna]

Let's start by ruling out the possibility that this may simply be your period, or withdrawal bleed: Where are you at in your pill packet? When did you start taking the pill? Has your withdrawal bleed been regular on the pill?

When you were having intercourse, was it painful at all? Did you use lube and go slowly?

[Heather]

I'm not sure what you mean about having a thick hymen, as that's not really a medical framework when it comes to that anatomy: have you been diagnosed with a resilient or inflexible hymen? (Obviously not with an imperforate one, since you do have menstrual flow.)

If not -- and I'm guessing not, since my impression was the crap GYN you saw was your first visit, and you didn't mention them bringing this up in any way -- since it sounds like you're saying you engaged in PIV intercourse (what people mean by "virginity" varies, so I can't know for sure what kind of sex you're talking about here, but if that's what you did, that wouldn't have been possible with a resilient hymen), I don't see any reason to make any assumptions about the hymen.

It wears away gradually over time, rather than being all there then -- poof! -- somehow going away with any kind of consensual sex (versus assault, where severe injuries can create more dramatic changes). So, just as an educational piece, when you say "had" a hymen, know that your hymen (corona) is likely still there, wearing away very gradually over a lifetime, as it does for people and starts doing once puberty begins. It also is never really gone: once it's worn away a whole bunch, as it often will have once people are in their late teens, twenties or thirties, bits of the hymen -- a ring of it, basically -- will still always remain inside the vaginal opening, they just blend in so that more times than not, unless you really get up in there with a mirror and a flashlight and your fingers, you're not going to see it or know those traces are there.

If you *were* diagnosed with a resilient hymen and a healthcare provider thought it was resilient enough to present any issues for you (with tampon use, sex, or anything else), they likely would have advised a hymenectomy. If they didn't, we can be pretty sure this is a nonissue in this context (and probably any other).

Bleeding with any intercourse, be it a first time or a 201st time, is most often related to things like the receptive partner not being relaxed and aroused enough, continuing if there is pain (rather than stopping), not using enough lubricant, and/or their partner being too hasty or aggressive. If and when there is bleeding with intercourse due to reasons like that -- all of which can cause abrasions, and because blood vessels are so close to the surface with genitals, even a small abrasion can bleed more than one'd expect -- it usually is very temporary, and tends to be more light spotting than anything else.

If spotting is all that's happening here, I'd not sweat it. It could even be a coincidence with having breakthrough bleeding -- a common side effect of the pill -- at the same time. But if the bleeding gets worse, or you have any other issues -- like pain, fever, etc. -- then you'll want to check in with a healthcare provider. If you still need help finding a new one, just let us know, we're glad to help with that as we can.

[linsey17]

I started the pill 17 days ago, so in 5 days I will have the withdraw bleeding.
By losing my virginity I meant that I had PIV sex. Ive had sex twice since then, and it hasn't hurt as bad the last time, yet the spotting is still there.
when I went to the gyno that one time, she did say something about me being smaller than usual, and that a "penis would tear me apart". So my partner and I did it over a couple of days to help make it easier, and yes he went very slow but no lube was used, unfortunately. We also used condoms, so maybe the friction could've created more tearing?
Sorry about my terminology! Im not exactly sure on the correct terms, but she didn't diagnose me with anything, just said I was very small.
Im just concerned because although my mom is the best mom I could ask for, she is not aware that Im currently sexually active (she knows im on BC but thinks Im waiting for at least a couple months) and I would like it to stay that way until im ready to tell her. Again, not heavy bleeding, just spotting. Should I go to a doctor if it goes on for more than a week? also should I abstain from sex until it goes away?
Thanks again for your responses!

[Heather]

No worries about terminology bits: just trying to make sure I know what you're talking about, and that you have sound language and frameworks for yourself.

That GYN was not someone sound. NO GYN practicing ethically, and with sound education, would say something like that or treat you like she did. A penis will not "tear anyone apart." It just won't. I think this is perhaps someone who wants to try and scare young women away from sex, honestly: that's usually what's up when healthcare providers seem to forget all of their education and the Hippocratic Oath and say things like that.

And if and when injury is caused with penis-in-vaginal intercourse, it is either due to assault or due to things like a partner being aggressive when you're not aroused enough, not using enough lube, etc. Even then, a serious injury is unlikely (outside of with assault).

There also isn't such a thing as a "smaller than usual" vagina. The vaginal canal is flexible and doesn't have a static size. I have no doubt that given how anxious you were, and how you were treated, you were tense as hell, which makes just about anyone's vagina more inflexible and tighter -- and thus the opening will look smaller than it does otherwise. But a credible GYN knows that, and also knows there is no such thing as a "bigger" or "smaller" vagina.

I'd suggest you toss anything that GYN said to you out, because we know from the way she was talking to you and treating you that she's simply not credible. I think -- no surprise here! -- the things she said to you scared you and freaked you out, so even though you know from our previous conversations and your own sense of her, that person was bonkers, those things still took up some real estate in your head. I'd do what you can to ditch them.

For sure, if you didn't use any lubricant -- especially when using condoms, as your bodies haven't evolved to create the extra needed with them -- you likely got some abrasion, which is why you bled. ("Tearing" did NOT likely happen. A tear of the vaginal opening is a pretty severe injury, not something minor like this sounds to be, and again, that is only likely to happen with something like assault.) Taking time over a couple of days -- especially when my sense is you two haven't taken months of having other kinds of sex, including things like fingers in your vagina -- might have made you emotionally more comfortable, but physically, that isn't really going to do anything. Learning to relax our muscles -- including of and around the vagina -- is something that can take more than a couple of days.

I respect your desire for privacy -- having great parents doesn't mean a person doesn't want to keep some or all of their sex life private! -- and I'd say that unless the bleeding gets heavier, or those other things I was talking about like pain or fever happen, there's likely no need to see a doctor, especially since we can't know if all of this was about the way you two went about intercourse, a common side effect of your pill, or both. But spotting from the pill and some bleeding with vaginal abrasion are both not something that require care. I mentioned fever because were you to get an infection from the abrasion, you'd start feeling overall bad like that.

Too, as I recall, you started the pill mid-cycle, yes? If so, this may well be breakthrough bleeding, at least in part, because if now would have been around the time you would have expected a period BEFORE you started the pill, it would be typical for someone who didn't do a first-day or Sunday start to have spotting like that, or just get a withdrawal bleed in the first pack of pills or two more around the time their period was due than at the time that lines up neatly with the placebo week.

In the meantime, by all means, I'd take a pass on sex with genital entry until the bleeding stops. And next time around, you want to be sure to have lubricant handy and to use it quite liberally. I'm happy to talk with you about other things you can also do to better assure you don't get any kind of injury with intercourse AND that it's more likely to feel good, if you'd like.

[linsey17]

I appreciate your response and advice so much!
As much as Ive tried to disregard what shes said, I cant seem to get it out of my head. Of course it frightened me and I don't want to feel guilty about practicing safe sex ,which it has since that appointment. I'm a naturally anxious person, so the bleeding coupled with what she said, and the symptoms of the pill, freaks me out. Ill really try to forget about anything she said and go to a more credible gyno.
We've been dating for over 6 months and have done a lot of other things other than PIV, but like you said, there has been no fingering. The sex wasn't rough at all and we eased in to it so Im thinking its probably an abrasion like you said. Ive had mild cramping and nausea but I know that's because of the pill because its been going on a week before I had sex (although the cramping has gotten a little worse).
Ill take close watch of my body and if the bleeding worsens, Ill get to the gyno (a much better one, lol!)
I did start the pill about a week after my period ended, so I should've gotten my period around 5 days ago. I read somewhere that sex can trigger your period, so I'm not sure if something like that happened?
I would love to hear about how to make it less painful and comfortable!
Again, I can not thank you guys enough

[Heather]

I get it! When people talk to us that way, when we're so vulnerable, and from such a position of power, even things they say we know or learn are baloney can be VERY STICKY. Any kind of sexual shaming -- and again, I think we both have felt that was happening with her -- is also, sadly, very sticky for pretty much everyone. We live in a culture of very mixed messages about sex, a culture with a lot of sexual shame all over the place, so since most people already have some already, fuel to the fire like that tends to just set it all the more ablaze. (I remain so angry on your behalf about this, btw, and so bummed for you that you had to experience that.)

Please know that while any one person saying this to you isn't likely to magic what she said and it's crappy impact away, you are somewhere where your right to experience pleasure and choose a sexual life you want is totally respected and honored. Consensual sex and the experience of pleasure and intimacy in our lives -- be that sexual or from other things -- isn't something anyone should feel ashamed of, even though, sadly, a lot of people are taught and enabled to feel that way. I certainly respect your right to pleasure and intimacy of all kinds in your life, including sexually, and think neither are anything to feel ashamed about.

It's probably just going to take some time, and any effort you can give to just make a practice of countering things she said, when they come up, with a little talk to yourself that basically says, "That woman was a freaking nightmare and a bad doctor: what she said can't be relied on and shouldn't be given any more power," or something to that tune, you know?

Sex can't make periods (or withdrawal bleeds) happen, no. What can happen is that if someone is starting to get one, then has an orgasm -- which causes uterine contractions -- it can kind of push flow along a little more. But when periods or withdrawal bleeds happen isn't something that can change overnight: both are based on weeks of chemical patterns and changes that come before.

So, am I getting right that it WAS painful for you? If so, so I can make sure I'm giving you useful help, besides not using lube:
• Did you really, really want to have intercourse, not just emotionally, but in a way you could kind of (or way more than kind of) feel a craving for, for lack of a better word, in your body?
• Has any kind of sex with genital entry -- like fingering that involved fingers around your vaginal opening or inside your vagina, if you did any of that -- felt good for you before?
• If and when things hurt, did you tell your partner, then stop, and either not do anything sexual for a while after, or switch to an activity that not only didn't hurt, but felt good?
• Did all the other sexual activities you did around the time you had intercourse, and before intercourse, feel good for you and have you feeling turned on and excited?
• Related to that, you DID engage in sexual activities that feel very good for you -- like, for example, oral sex for your genitals, or rubbing of your vulva, or some serious makeout, whatever it is you really like -- before intercourse at the time you tried it, right?
• Were you and your partner communicating a lot throughout, trying different things or changing things up as you tried this to find what not only didn't hurt, but what felt good?

It may sound like a big duh, but since it often isn't, it would also be helpful to know if intercourse has been something you have really, really wanted, overall, and that you feel very ready for, sexually, emotionally, the whole works. Is it something you have felt anxious about or pretty excited and relaxed about? Or has it more been something your partner has wanted?

[linsey17]

Exactly, I had no clue what to expect and of course I want to believe a doctor that has been practicing for over 20 years. Instead of informing me on the risks she was trying to scare me into not having sex, which really skewed my view of sex afterwards.
That's why I like posting here, because its an accepting and comfortable environment, and everyone is so helpful, so thank you for that! I agree that sex and pleasure isn't something anyone should feel bad about, but like you said, me (and people in general) have been taught its a bad thing.

Ah okay, so can I expect to have my "period" during the placebo pills or..? I just don't want to add to the anxiety with a pregnancy scare.

Yes the sex was painful but not overly so,
- I really waited to have sex at the right time and felt like I was emotionally, physically, and mentally prepared. I made sure I was BC at least two weeks beforehand, we had a couple days to ourselves, and that it was something we both wanted physically and emotionally. I definitely wanted it physically (and emotionally) so that wasn't a problem.
-He was never able to get a finger to enter but that was probably because I was more tense than when we had sex, and I was always scared it would be really painful.
-I made sure to tell him if it hurt and he always stopped and we wouldn't continue anything sexual until at least a few hours later, so I'm very grateful he respected that!
-While we did do some things before the actually PIV sex, I don't think we did enough foreplay. Maybe because we were both eager to finally do it?
-like I said above, he always stopped if it hurt too much and we would sometimes do other things that we knew felt good but most of the time we would just stop all together.

Ive been anxious in the past about it because I was scared of getting pregnant, or getting an STD. But since Ive gotten on birth control I'm more relaxed. I always make sure he uses a condom though, because hes had partners in the past and I don't want to contract an STD. He was fine with waiting longer for me but it was actually me who wanted and was ready for it.
Ill always be a little anxious just because I don't want my parents to find out and be disappointed, but overall, I'm very happy about my first time

[Heather]

Really, no one can ever predict when withdrawal bleeds will happen in the first few packs of pills. It's just so common for things to be a bit wonky while the body gets used to that medication and adjusts its cycles to the pill's cycles, so we just can't know or say.

Okay, so I am seeing some places we can troubleshoot here with the PIV:
1) For sure, just doing that, or going quickly into that rarely works well for people new to it, and often just isn't satisfying or awesome for anyone, particularly the person whose body is being entered. So, moving forward, be sure and take more time with other kinds of sex you know you like and get excited by.
2) If it doesn't feel good for a single finger to be coming in, then yeah, moving to something larger -- more fingers, or a penis -- isn't the way to go. Instead, you want to take more time warming up, as it were, doing whatever DOES feel good and whatever DOES result in that finger (etc.) feeling awesome (not just not hurting, but actually feeling good) before moving to intercourse.
3) If it hurts AT ALL, stop. Not when it's "too much," but at all. Sex shouldn't be painful, not a first time, not any time. If and when it is, it's because something is wrong or missing -- like being too anxious and not relaxed enough, feeling any kind of pressure or hurry, not being turned on enough, doing things in a position, angle, depth or speed that isn't right for you, not using lube, what have you. So, next time(s) don't wait to say if it hurts, or suck it up and keep going until you can't take it: let your partner know as soon as it hurts and then just stop, or change up what you're doing to try and find what feels good, instead.
4) If there's anything you think you can do to be less anxious, do that thing. It might even be being honest with your parents at some point, so you can let go of that fear (especially since from the sounds of things with your Mom, she is likely to be supportive, not mad or whatever). It might be doing self-care before sex you know helps you manage anxiety. It might be having more of a "date" before sex doing something fun that relaxes you and gets you out of your head, like seeing a concert, taking a walk, making food together, playing video games, what have you.

Lastly, it might also be helpful, if you are feeling scared about things like a finger inside your vagina, to spend more time exploring your body yourself via masturbation. You are not going to hurt you, after all, because you know when something feels okay and doesn't, and you'll stop if it doesn't feel good. But it's also often easier to relax sexual with partners when we have some practice being sexual with ourselves. Extra bonus: we'll learn more about what feels good to us and doesn't, what we're into and what we're not, that we can share with partners to bring to experimenting together.

[linsey17]

I will have to try all those things, especially 1 and 3.
Thank you again Heather, all this stuff is so helpful.

[Heather]

Glad to be able to help.