Someone is pregnant...but it's not you.

[Heather]

Want a space to talk about a pregnancy in your life that isn't yours? Maybe a current partner, an ex or a lover of yours is pregnant due to sex with you (or not with you). Maybe a sibling, best friend, parent or guardian has a pregnancy that has become or is becoming a big part of your life. Maybe someone in your life is pregnant when you want to be or might want to be, and that's creating a host of complicated feelings.

Pregnancy obviously has the biggest impact, by far, on the person who is themselves pregnant. But it can have a big impact on other people's lives, too. If that sounds like you, and you want to talk about it or get some support, post on!

[Destinee2006]

I feel like my story is long but this looks like the perfect place to post. This site has been very helpful to me before. I've been in the same relationship for 6 years now. We were engaged by the end of our first year but never got married due to many things, lack of money, living space, some drug issues on his part and some bad times. When we got together, every single person we knew was pregnant, had all their kids at once. My boyfriend was unhappy with me not being interested in pregnancy back then. He used to fight with me but dropped it over the years. I was on hormonal birth control to regulate my period a few months before we were together, so I just stayed on it till present time. As time passed, things changed, I began to become more interested in being a parent someday. My family is old fashioned though and I really wanted to be married and have a good job, I feared my parents would be let down if I didn't do it that way. My boyfriend was focusing more on religion in recent years and commented I should go off the pill because it was better to live naturally but didn't push me and I brushed it off. But this year, things got all strange out of nowhere. First, I noticed several girls I graduated with had babies, shared it on Facebook, and while one part of me is the OLD me, saying "Ew, diapers and birth pictures", another part was mesmerized about the process of being a new mom. Then, I find out an ex much younger than me, an ex I ditched for my current BF, is having a baby out of nowhere with his 20 year old girlfriend and even though they have no marriage/home/plan, they looked crazily happy. Take it I never even liked this guy, I got rid of him, I found myself oddly envious of what they had and out of nowhere get this horrible feeling I'm infertile and will never have that. The reason I think that is because over these last 6 years, I have missed a pill here and there, took some late and nothing ever remotely happened, no thoughts of ever being pregnant. And My BF, he has a big history, that suddenly came to haunt me as well. He was a teen dad 12 years ago, he got with an older girl who was divorced with a toddler and said they "tried" to get pregnant back then. And they had a baby son within a year and raised him till age 3, but they were using drugs and the kids were taken to child services. He saw the boy on supervised visits until someone else adopted him and ended up finding out he wasn't the father anyway, the girl had cheated. That was when I first met him in 2006 and we casually dated but I was young, in school, just got out of a controlling relationship and panicked when I heard about the kid. I ran and left the relationship go and he didn't even care because he had a drug problem then. We end up getting serious in 2009 and with his anger issues over those early years, I wondered if he was taking his anger at the first girl out on me, since he always used to suspect ME of cheating and doing him wrong. BUT things calmed over the years and we've been doing better, I'm hoping we can get married next year and we're looking for a place, I've never left my parents house and he had some issues and had to move back to his parents as well. We can't live together here so that's why we eventually have to get our own place. And the old girlfriend? She got clean and remarried someone else, has a new kid, she got her teen daughter (The former toddler) back and her old son is with his new family. They do not let my BF see him anymore. But the final blow was I ended up sorting all these old pictures my BF's mom gave me and I found EVERY single one of his life with Girl #1, all their hospital pictures, family pictures, first Christmas with the kids and it ROCKED my world. This occured last month and I'm still reeling, I was flooded with all these wild feelings. Everything from sadness to envy to anger to regret and obsession. Maybe I should have put the pictures away, I scanned every one and keep looking at them. I felt regret over leaving him back in the beginning, running away because I thought he had baggage. I saw how happy he looked taking care of those kids, he was like a whole new person, he looked better, healthier, happy and like he didn't need drugs then. I was jealous thinking this other girl got what I missed and he already lived the family life with someone else and I couldn't even BE his first for that. I get angry over how they threw it away with the mistakes they made. I literally cried, felt nervous around him for a week like he was a new guy, felt oddly closer, I swear I even hallucinated that I "felt" pregnant, like something was there and I was some kind of miracle getting pregnant on birth control. I wanted to quit taking my pills twice but every new pack, I tell myself to keep on them. I seriously started planning our wedding, knowing if I make it there, my family can't criticize me for being pregnant unmarried, I tell myself if this wedding is serious, I need this last year to plan and get it done, I can stop taking the pills next year. But it's like there's some kind of strange conflict. The rational old me that pencils things in says to wait, follow my insta-plan. The new crazy me says to just quit the pills. I did talk a little about this to my BF, did admit I was envious of his past and scared of my family but he brushes that past off, says he didn't "have a baby" since that girl was lying the whole time. Says I didn't "miss anything with him". He tells me how it would change my life in amazing ways to be a parent but says he wants to wait and settle down though. This coming from the guy who USED to rip my head off for hating on prenancy. The crazy me even says to go to the store and buy "st. Johns Wort"...I read it specifically deactiviates birth control and I did use to take it for mild depression but quit because of that. Part of me and saying "I dare you"...I'm not hearing voices, don't worry but this inner conflict is always on my mind now. I don't know if I stated this but I'm 29 years old. I do hear things about the 30s being pregnant gets harder. I didn't even realize my 20s are over soon. I do plan to talk with my nurse about this, I have an annual well woman exam in 2 more months. I was going to ask them about getting off the pills and if they can tell whether I'm infertile or not. My BF thinks he's infertile because the only time that other girl was pregnant was by the one other guy she cheated with. He says he was unprotected long ago with other girls and no one ever got pregnant. I don' t know if that's enough reasoning and I don't think he's affected by other's pregnancies anymore...but suddenly I AM. I just needed someone to talk to, this is the most honest and best site I've ever used. I don't talk to any of the women around me about this, my mom and I don't really share personal things so there was no one. If anyone read this, thank you for your time. Sorry so long but I appreciate any feedback!

[Sam W]

Hi Desiree,

The first thing that comes to mind is that photos are a terrible window into the past. We tend to photograph positive moments, which means that looking at all of those pictures of your partner and his former spouse, you're getting a skewed view of their life together. You're seeing only the fun parts and not the unfun ones (which it sounds like there were a lot of).

My advice would be to focus on the wedding, and put the baby question on hold until you get through that. Sometimes, when we're dealing with one stressful life event, it can be tempting to start planning for another big life even that isn't relevant at the moment, as a sort of distraction. Give yourself permission to focus on just this one big thing for now, without trying to plan for the other big things that might come in a few years.

I think it's okay to have a mixture of feelings about your partner's past. But, it's going to be most helpful for you in the long run to make your peace with those feelings so that they don't pop up at unexpected times. You mention that you don't talk to other women about how you're feeling. Is there a particular reason for that?

[Heather]

I also wonder if you can try and look at this history more from a place of compassion than envy.

In other words, this sounds like something that was probably terribly hard and painful for everyone involved, not shiny and awesome. It sounds like it has involved a lot of struggle, and the child in this picture probably has quite a lot of wounds they'll have to work through in their life.

Love and compassion are pretty amazing weapons, so to speak, to fight off smaller-minded feelings that probably aren't reflective of your best self or who you want to be. So, if you can at least try to look at this from a lens that brings your best self to the table, one that recognizes what sounds like a lot of pain and struggle for everyone involved -- and also just being flawed as people, something we all are in some ways -- and lets you see it more compassionately, I think it'd help you out a lot, including helping you to focus on yourself and your relationship, instead of a relationship that didn't even involve you.

I think that would also help you from making decisions about starting a family that don't sound like they're coming from a very healthy place, but from a place of trying to compete with someone. That's a pretty blecky place to be motivated from for such big and important decisions, you know?

[Destinee2006]

Thanks for the replies, that helps put this in perspective for me. I've been taken pictures since I was 9, I know that I know pictures never tell the real story, I don't even keep pictures myself that even remind me of a bad time. And I did feel bad about what happened but I aimed it more to myself, like I felt my BF was happier with having children, living a life like that and I spent many years NOT wanting kids but changed as I got older and then got these strange thoughts I couldn't have kids and could never give him that, plus he worried me with his thoughts of infertility. I felt like I saw a smile on his face when he had a son that I've never seen any time I've been with him. And I did take my pill as I should all these years, I missed one once a and a few years ago, missed 3 and started to spot but hurried and took the 3 I missed that day and never got pregnant. So I suppose that's what made me think that, but it blowing up like this, I don't know if it was caused by the flood of emotions I felt by seeing everyone around me have something I didn't. And I still don't know why I was affected by an ex I didn't even care about when he had a baby with someone and I know I'm still just seeing them as a Facebook follower, where most of social media is just smoke and mirrors.

And this former girl, I spent years just hearing about her, hearing her spoken of hatefully and I had to meet her this year at his sister's wedding, she's still best friends with her and I decided the girl never harmed me, I would make my own judgment and I ended up liking her, she was kind towards me. I even thought she wanted to be friends but after the wedding, she showed no interest in talking to me further. I figure I understand me being the new girlfriend, maybe it's awkward but she never expressed interest in having my BF back either, she has a new guy and just had another baby. I don't have many female friends to talk to, that's why I don't confide. I'm friends with my BF's sister but she's more closer to Girl #1 than me, so I don't want to reveal this and have it shared. I also think I started worrying about my age, I have a couple cousins that had their children in their late 30s, after marriage, and I try to look up info on birth control but I was stuck with Web MD and Google and they list different things, like some say it takes months and years to get your body back to normal, others say it's too hard to get pregnant 30 and up and another said taking birth control was good because since you don't ovulate for a long time, it preserves all the eggs. I only make it to the doctor twice a year so don't have much chance to ask them. I always said I'd never be the person to have kids for my benefit, I knew people that had them to get tax returns, attention...whatnot, but I feel like I almost turned into that person.

I don't know why I get mad at myself that I didn't end up with him sooner, this time in question was back in 2002-2003, I was still in high school, didn't drive and lived far away, I actually didn't meet him till I was 20. I know it's irrational to be mad at myself, there wasn't anything I could've changed. I know I should follow the plans I make and you all help me to remember that, it's just been an emotional roller coaster for awhile.

[Heather]

Just for the record, you do not need to worry about your fertility now or anytime soon. Medically-speaking, it *begins* to get more challenging for many people to become pregnant after 35, but a) you're a long way from 35 and b) there are still plenty of people who have no trouble becoming pregnant later than that age.

But I'd also add that the relationship people have with their children often just isn't comparable to what they have with people who aren't. It sounds like you might be having some envy around his son and how he feels about him, not just his son's mother, so I'd encourage you to try and examine and work through that. It does sound like you've done a good job being honest with yourself in a way that's really hard when it comes to recognizing that your motives for wanting to become pregnant or have kids with this person aren't coming from a good place. Kudos to you for that, and I'd just keep that up.

After all, the person who is always going to have the most responsibility -- legally and otherwise -- for a child, and have their life the most impacted by one is the person who becomes pregnant and delivers that child. So, if and when you do decide to do this, the people it needs to be about most are you and then the potential child: it won't serve either of you well if any of this is about trying to compete with someone else or give something to this guy to try and make him happy or connected to you in a way you want.

[Araliya]

Eek, it has been a few years since I have asked for advice on this website! This has been an issue close to my heart as a number of my friends currently are pregnant or have young kids. I also come across many pregnant ladies through my work. Part of me feels excited and happy for them, and loves babysitting. And the other part feels envious and sad. I am single and queer and my last dating experience was with someone predatory who really scared me I've been working on my fears and insecurities in therapy but sometimes the chance to have a family of my own still feels impossible. Also my own parents never really came around to my sexual orientation and think the idea of gay people parenting is disgusting and harmful- so that hurts too, knowing that I wouldn't have their support. I guess this all comes up when I'm hanging out with my friends who are mums and dads and I feel like my envy is creating a barrier between us.

[Stephanie]

Hi there Ayaliya, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with these feelings right now. If I may, I'd like to start by saying (and I hope you're ok with this) that I did look to see your age, and want you to know you do still have time to make decisions on family etc. Time to continue to heal and work through your past. It can be hard, for sure, when family doesn't support you and your wants - but you also can't let them dictate your decisions on life and family. Sometimes it really does come down to talking about your wants and needs, and what you need and expect from others to help keep life healthy and family dynamics healthy for all. Agreeing with and supporting decisions are different.

I mention this because I have a friend that finally adopted with her fiancée, and in doing so had to tell her family that they need healthy dynamics for their little boy - and that while her family was against adoption this little boy was their child and they were putting him first. It meant her family needing to accept that if they wanted to be in their grandson's life, they needed to understand and be able to accept that he IS their son, regardless of how he came to be theirs. I understand for you and your family circumstances are different, but you do need to be able to make decisions like this for you and your family. Have you also talked to your counselor about these feelings? If not, I would encourage you to do so. In doing so, you may find they become more manageable. Not easy mind you, but manageable.

[Araliya]

Hi Stephanie, thanks for your reply Yes, you're right, I do have a little bit of time. I feel overwhelmed when I consider all the options like egg freezing, sperm donors, adoption and fostering, and dating people who already have kids. It's very hard with my parents. I basically told them that if they can't at least be respectful and refrain from making judgemental comments about my decisions, then they don't have to be involved at all. I guess I would look for support and guidance from outside my family, which I already do to some extent. I do discuss the feelings in therapy too, and she's helping me to feel more confident around dating and sex, but I would say its a slow process. I worry that by the time I work it all out, it may be too late to get pregnant. It's hard to talk to people about feeling envious- sometimes I mention to friends that I find weddings hard, for example. They've usually been supportive and kind.

[Carmen]

Hi Araliya,

I am glad you have support systems in place for you and that you felt you could reach out to your parents and tell them that. How did talking with your parents go when you told them those things? I can imagine how sorting through everything feels like a slow process especially when it feels like you are on a time crunch, but like Stephanie says, you definitely have the time to take the time you need to heal and make decisions about the kind of family you want to have.
I think the topic of pregnancy/family is particularly hard when you are surrounded by people experiencing them. Feeling the expectation to feel happy for them and celebrate but also feeling envious or just too surrounded by it all results in a lot of different feelings and expectations to try to balance!

[Araliya]

Hi Carmen
My parents are dismissive during these types of conversations or they use emotional blackmail tactics like playing my mum's chronic illness against me It makes me really sad sometimes and after we talk I have to walk away and cry. Its good I have other people in my life who are like family to me, and at least they are more accepting.

My friend was giving me advice around compartmentalizing feelings, like how you can feel happy for your best friend getting married but also feel sad/lonely for yourself, and that those two feelings aren't contradictory. I love looking after friends' children and working with kids too but it is also emotionally draining.

[Sam W]

Hi Araliya,

Ooof, I'm sorry that your parents interact with you in that way. That sucks big time. But I'm glad to hear you have folks in your life who are more supportive.

When you say it's emotionally draining, are you referring more to seeing pregnant coworkers or to interacting with kids yourself?

[Araliya]

Hi Sam W, Thanks for your reply
Maybe this sounds really bad? I find both of those situations hard at times. Similar feelings around attending weddings and baby showers too. I know there's fear, insecurity and envy there. I guess I have to keep working in therapy until I feel ready to date one day, and also try to feel happy for my friends and their joy.

[Sam W]

You're welcome

Honestly, neither of those feelings are particularly odd given what you've told us. You're certainly not the first person to feel insecure or jealous when looking at the life milestones (for lack of a better word) of others. The plan to keep working on those emotions with a counselor is quite sound, and the advice your friend gave you about compartmentalizing might be helpful as well. It can feel odd to hold those two feelings at once (happiness for a friend or coworker and your own fear or envy), but something that might work is to remind yourself that their having kids or getting married is not meant to be a comment on where you are in your life. Does that make sense?

[Araliya]

Yes, you're right in saying that my friends' life events are not a comment on how I am doing. I guess I feel in myself that I could be further along in the timeline. But to be fair, many of my queer friends are still single and none of them have children yet. I think it feels more urgent as my mum has had a life threatening illness and same with a close friend in her 40's. I have been caregiving for mum too. It really made me question things like what kind of support I will have when my parents are gone, and what if I develop a serious illness- who will be around...

[Sam W]

Hi Araliya,

I think remembering your queer friends as an alternate timeline of relationships/kids is a really good idea (if nothing else, it can remind you that there are many ways to move in the adult world). I can certainly see how caring for your mom (and I'm sorry that's a situation you find yourself in) could make you wonder about these things. Something that may also help to remember is that people in their later years, or people who find themselves ill, often have some kind of support. Those supports may not always be their children or other biological family, but friends or family of choice.

[Araliya]

Hi Sam, thanks for reply...not sure if others also read this thread but my friend linked me to a really sweet piece about the pace of queer time, and how it is different to straight time. It made me feel better about how I'm doing and maybe someone else may find it useful too
http://www.autostraddle.com/the-pace-of ... me-329459/

[Sam W]

You're welcome And what a great article, thank you for sharing it!

[Redskies]

(dianne4312x , I moved your question and its replies to its own new thread on the Relationships board, because it seemed not to be about anyone else being pregnant. You can click straight through to your discussion: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=4181 See you there! )