Why are people so against a guy dating a girl taller than him?

[wishcoulddelete]

I appreciate the concern, but I think I'll be fine. I've grown used to it.

[Mo]

It does sound like it's something you're used to, but it's still not ok; ideally we don't want anyone to have to get used to that sort of treatment, because it shouldn't happen in the first place. You certainly deserve to live free of anyone talking to you like that. I know you've been having some really big conversations here lately, and like Redskies said I don't want to overwhelm you, but I did want to specifically mention this - even if you're used to emotional abuse it's still wrong and still something you shouldn't have to experience.

[wishcoulddelete]

Eh, you don't have to worry about me getting overwhelmed.
I guess that's a fair point, but it's not like I have any way to stop it.

[Mo]

Yeah, sadly you can't personally change their behaviors, but I think some of the things Heather mentioned in your other thread, like journaling and focusing on friendships and other activities outside of your home when possible, might help. They won't change your circumstances at home but might be helpful for you in terms of you finding more positive people to be around or having the chance to process some of your feelings privately.

And I find that it be useful in the moment, when people are being abusive or treating me badly but I am not in a position to do much about it at that point in time, to really hold onto the idea that they are the ones at fault and I don't deserve what's happening. It can be easy for me to internalize the idea that it might actually be my fault, or I'm over-exaggerating the problem, etc. so focusing on saying to myself "hey, this isn't ok, you're not imagining things" can be helpful.

[wishcoulddelete]

I'm not really sure how to do stuff outside of my home, other than school, where, well, it's quite strict.

Admittedly, sometimes I feel like, since they're my parents, I should agree with them and assume they're right no matter what.

Also, my parents have done another thing that might be abuse, if that means anything.

[Mo]

The train of thought you're describing is pretty common, from both sides - some folks feel very strongly that their children should accept that they're right and know best no matter what, and plenty of people believe that about their parents. This is likely to be more of an enforced idea in some cultures or religions, too. But what this misses is that while children need guidance from parents or other adults when they're young, because they simply don't know enough about the world to keep themselves safe or understand, as they grow older it's normal and fine and, honestly, often GOOD to develop different thoughts and opinions than their parents have. Parents are ultimately just people, you know? People make mistakes, people have different ways of seeing the world. It really is ok to disagree with what they say, or to think they're flat-out wrong about some things.

If you want to talk about the maybe-abusive thing they do, you certainly can, but that's up to you.

[wishcoulddelete]

I know they're not omniscient, I just sometimes fool myself into believing they essentially are.

Well, if it wouldn't be a problem, I would gladly say it. I have mentioned in my main thread how they disagree with my food choices, and, well, I overheard them essentially saying they're just flat-out disappointed in me and my choices. I may be exaggerating by saying that's abuse, and if I am, I sincerely apologize.

[Carmen]

Hi TrueJustice123,

No need to apologize. Your parents controlling your eating behaviors and what you put and don't put into your body in ways that are not okay with you and/or hurt you is emotional abuse. As you mentioned in your other thread, food brings you pleasure and you certainly have a right to that pleasure. Would you mind giving more context to what you overheard? Was their disappointment in you related to food?
And overall how are you feeling about overhearing their conversation?

[wishcoulddelete]

Hello, Carmen, nice to see you again,

Well all I really heard was "I'm very disappointed and upset with his choices lately. It's very annoying to have to remind him what he should be eating and doing over and over." before tuning it out.

[Ashleah]

Hi TrueJustice,

There is no need to apologize.I don't think you are exaggerating in any way. I looked over your other threads and I would not be surprised if the same patterns they have exhibited in other aspects of your life applied to food as well. With abuse, it can appear subtle or like it is not a big deal, and even like it is being done for the persons own good. Especially if it comes for someone like a parent whose role is to provide guidance and protection. With abuse of any kind, it is often disguised as "love" or "caring". In a romantic relationship, for example, it might look like someone trying to control what their partner wears and making it seem like it's a concern of safety. Something along the lines of "I'm really worried about you when you wear clothes that show off too much of your body. People might get the wrong idea about you and think that they can do anything to you. I just want to make sure you are safe when I'm not there to protect you." When statements (reinforced by behaviors and other statements) comes from a person that is suppose to care about you and have your best interest in mind it can feel like, "Well, maybe what they are saying is not so bad."

So, I want to bring back up a point that Mo made, that when we are being treated that we have a tendency to feel that we are to blame and how helpful it can be to let ourselves know that "it's not my fault" and "I don't deserve this." I just want to let you know once more that you are not exaggerating. And want to check in with you about you feelings about the conversation continuing in this way (talking about controlling behaviors)?

[wishcoulddelete]

Hello Ashleah,

Alright, I'll gladly update whenever anything similar to what has happened lately with my parents happens again, if I'm understanding what you're saying correctly.

[Carmen]

If that is something that would help and support you that would be great - I know all of us here want to be able to support you in whatever ways we can.
How are you feeling about everything now? Is there anything else you want to talk about or flesh out right now?

[wishcoulddelete]

I usually just try to not think when this kinda stuff with my parents happen. It seems to result in a headache somehow, but it lessens the emotional blow, so yeah.
I guess if I had to form an opinion on it, it just feels really upsetting that no matter what I can do, I can never satiate my parents. If I eat what they want me to eat, I'm "starving myself", if I eat what I want to eat, I'm "gaining weight" or something along those lines. My grades are never any better than enough, and setting "enough" at a 90% average is very stressful and hard to manage when trying to enjoy what I do have in my sheltered life. (And while this may possibly be irrelevant, but I also feel they're a bit tight on bedtime as well, especially for someone my age, considering most first-graders have my bedtime (9:30pm).)

[Carmen]

I can't imagine how frustrating and exhausting that must be not being able to ever seem to satisfy them, especially without it being at the cost of yourself. Ideally there might be some middle ground to all these things - like for food, maybe talking with them about being able to eat the food you like sometimes, just once a day or every few days? I know Heather talked to you a lot about negotiating more with your parents and trying to become more autonomous which I think would definitely help these kind of situations.

In response to dealing with stuff with your parents right after it happens, I think journaling (which I know you are also talking to Heather about) is a great option. While trying not to think about stuff in the moment can be a helpful coping mechanism, ignoring it in the long run is not so good of an idea. Journaling can be a great way to process these kinds of things, either right after they happen or days, months or even years afterwards. I have had a therapist suggest journaling to me before and they 'assigned' (strongly suggested) me to write two page every single day. Even if I was just writing "I don't know what to write about" over and over again, that still counted. You can even write a whole bunch and rip out the pages and throw them away afterwards - that is okay too! Often just getting a pen moving on paper (or a computer, or a phone) can start of stream of consciousness that comes out and can really help one process stuff that is going on.

[wishcoulddelete]

I guess I can try to negotiate, I'm just kinda scared...

And, well, I still don't understand how I'm supposed to journal. I don't get it.

[Carmen]

I can't imagine how scary it must feel, but I think it is something important for you and your health to do if you can. That is very strong and brave of you to start thinking of trying to do that
When you say you are scared, what are you scared of?

For journaling, try just starting to write - sit down in a space you are comfortable in and bring a pen or pencil to some paper (or open a computer or your phone to write with if that is better for you). You could write about stuff we are talking about here, write about how you don't know what to write about, write about what happened to you today or write about where you are, what is the room you are in like? How are you feeling right in this moment?
Hope that helps explain it. If that still feels too vague and you think more specific prompts might help I think that is something Heather has been thinking about and will be able to help you with too

[wishcoulddelete]

I'm scared of my parents getting angry and yelling at me for being discontent.

I don't see how writing about not knowing what to write would help at all, and I bet prompts would probably help since I'm not good at thinking of topics at all.

[Carmen]

That is a totally valid fear and I am sorry that has to be a fear for you in talking to your parents about your well-being. You being discontent is certainly something they should know about and care about. Is there anything you think may help you over come that fear, at least enough to try starting to talk to them?

[wishcoulddelete]

I'm afraid I can't think of anything that could help me overcome that fear.

[Sam W]

Hi Truejustice,

If you do decide to talk to your parents about some of this, I have a few pieces of advice that might make it easier. The first is to start with a subject that seems to be the least likely to set them off, but is still something important to you. Sort of like testing the water to see what happens when you try to assert yourself with something fairly low stakes. The other piece of advice is to write out before hand what you want to say to them. Doing that makes it easier to not freeze up in the moment and forget what you wanted to say.

I also want to ask, you say you're afraid of them yelling at you (which is completely understandable). Do you think it's likely they would do anything else (like hit you, or isolate you further, or something else as "punishment.")?

[wishcoulddelete]

Thanks for the advice, if I can think of something, I'll try to pump myself up to be able to talk to them.

My parents would never physically harm me, though they could poasibly ground me, and take away what little social interaction I have online.

[Sam W]

Okay, that's what I was wondering about. When you're deciding how to talk to them (or if you want to confront them right now), one of the things you'll need to do is weigh how much you're willing to risk further isolation.

Out of curiosity, how do you parents act when you have friends over (or are you even allowed to have friends over)?

[wishcoulddelete]

It's not like I have too much to lose.

I can't have friends over, and I can't go over to friends' houses.

[Heather]

I just want to do a heck-in with you about what we can do for you (or anyone) in this kind of situation, and what you'd like for us to do with you of those things.

Alas, we can't intervene with or change your family dynamics or situation. And while you certainly have the option of seeking outside intervention from social service agencies if you like, realistically, they probably would not do much, as there's not sexual or physical abuse going on, not neglect, and really, dysfunction seems to me more the order of the day here than abuse, based on all you've told us so far. But that is an option, so if you want us to look up those agencies for you, we can.

What we CAN do, though is:
• Keep talking with you to help support you in your feelings about your sexuality, and help you do what you can to start turning those negative feelings around
• Help you with some things that can build your self-esteem more, like standing up for yourself in safe ways, and asking for things, even if they say no
• Help you take some steps to build a bigger support and social network so your life is about more than your parents and gaming online
• Just give you support to basically get through the next few years until you can live independently
• Just listen to you when you want to talk and be seen and heard

You'll just let us know, in general, and as you go, what of those things we can do you'd like our help and support with, and we'll hop to!

[wishcoulddelete]

Don't worry, I don't expect you to do some magic trick that makes my family more amicable.

I can't thank you all enough for all the help and support you all have given me.