Treatment from Parents

[wishcoulddelete]

Well, this is just a continuation from my previous thread: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=4133, so if you care enough to help, I recommend you start there.
(I hope the title makes enough sense)

[Sam W]

Hi Truejustice,

Thanks for making the new thread!

Now that a little bit of time has passed from your conversation with your parents, how are you feeling?

I also wanted to address your comment that you always feel like you're being rude (which, as Heather said, is far from what we see when talking to you). That's a pretty understandable way to feel given how your parents treat you. When you're treated as though nothing you do is right, it can throw off your ability to gauge your own behavior, you know?

One thing that occurred to me is: would you be interested in some books that address situations like the one you're in at home? I'm sure some of the volunteers could chime in with ideas for titles. It may be you have to read them at the library (as taking them home where a parent could find them sounds like it's not a good plan right now), but you might find them helpful.

[wishcoulddelete]

It's no problem.

I guess I'm feeling kind of... Angry, about it. I'm not entirely sure.

That makes sense.

I'd greatly appreciate it.

[Sam W]

Anger's a pretty understandable reaction as well. Would you say you're feeling angry at yourself or at them?

Okay! I'm not coming up with a title right now (I know there are some, I'm just blanking), but I'll leave a note in the volunteer area to see if folks have suggestions. If you go to the library, you can also ask the librarian to direct you to this call number: 362.829 . That should get you to the section that has the books you're looking for and give you a chance to browse.

[wishcoulddelete]

I guess a bit of both.

That's perfectly fine, I'll check the note out later (Where would I find it?). And, heh, the day I'm able to go to the library is the day this'll all be over. (Sorry if I come off as sassy, I just wanted to try and add some humor to this conversation.)

[Sam W]

Oh, the note is in an area only we can see (it's where we do staff and volunteer coordination, things like that). But when someone has a recommendation, they'll list it here so you can see it.

Hrm, that really is a pain (and no worries, I certainly believe in humor as a way of coping with hard stuff ). Even if you can't go to the library (although that might be a place to try a similar conversation to the one you had yesterday, even if you can only get them to agree to a once a week visit to the library), you still have some options. One possibility is that some books are available online. The other is that there are blogs and similar that deal with these issues. One I like is called "Captain Awkward." It's an advice blog, so there's articles on all sorts of topics, but parents and abusive dynamics come up frequently.

[wishcoulddelete]

Ah, I see. Thank you.

I guess I can try, but I don't think they'd let me go off and read on my own, even if they did take me there. I'll check if any recommendations are online, and I'll check out the blog in a bit. Thank you very much.

[Heather]

(Just letting you know I see the new thread here, TrueJustice, and am thinking of you. Some rough bits in the world have my emotional reserves at a low today, so I'm not going to be around in direct services the rest of the day, but you're in good hands in the interim!)

[wishcoulddelete]

(Alright, and thank you. That's perfectly understandable. Best of luck!)

[Heather]

On call today, so just checking in to see how you're doing.

[wishcoulddelete]

Hiya. I'm the same as always. Thanks!

[Heather]

Anything you want to talk about? I'll be around in and out today.

[wishcoulddelete]

Nothing in particular at the moment.

[Heather]

Okie dokie.

[wishcoulddelete]

I thank you very much for the concern, though.

[Onionpie]

Hi TrueJustice. First off, there's an excellent book called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" available online as a PDF that I'd highly recommend: http://www.carovnezrcadlo.cz/TOXIC-PARENTS.pdf

Although I do not share exactly the same situation as you -- my hanging out with friends and visiting places like the library by myself were not limited -- I did experience a lot of verbal abuse and some physical abuse. I know that for me this also created an atmosphere of fear of doing things wrong and not wanting to upset my parents. Everyone reacts to experiences like this differently, but I know for me personally it's led to me finding it very hard to not feel like other people's feelings are my responsibility to manage. It's created issues for me in my friendships wherein I take on far too much of my friends' crap and let them become way too dependent on me to work through their problems with them. I know that this really stems a lot from my feelings as a child of having to manage my parents' reactions.

I know it has also made me have this incredibly intense underlying anger in my relationship between me and my parents, my mum in particular. The anger is mostly about the fact that as a child, she was supposed to be someone I could rely on to always be in my corner when I needed support, and she wasn't. Sometimes when I was upset she would dismiss my feelings instead of comforting me -- she once told me, when I was 14/15, that I cry too much and I'm weak. Sometimes when I was upset or scared, she would yell at me (because I had made a mistake/done something wrong). So I learned that I couldn't rely on her for emotional support when I needed it, and that feels like such a betrayal, and makes me so angry.

It's okay for us to be angry. Our parents are supposed to create an environment for us where we feel safe but are able to reach out into the world and explore and make some mistakes without being worried about being screamed at and punished. Our parents didn't create that environment for us. It has real, lasting consequences that extend into our other relationships and still affect us decades later. We are allowed to be angry and to mourn the loss of the childhoods we could have had.

Something that I've found really empowering and helpful is doing sports like boxing, fencing, or archery. I find those kinds of sports, particularly boxing, help me channel my anger in a more useful way, and it also just makes me feel a lot more powerful and independent as I'm doing it. I'm never going to use any of those skills in an aggressive way, of course, but during them, it just feels like there is this one space where I have this control and this power. Essentially, we've had our power taken away from us as children, so doing something that feels like it gives you that power back, but not in a destructive way, can be really emotionally beneficial. It also gives you a space that is entirely your own and your parents have no control over, so it can feel so freeing. Do you think you'd be interested in doing something like that, and do you think your parents would allow you to take up an activity like that? Do you already have an activity that gives you those feelings in your life?

[wishcoulddelete]

Thank you very much, I'll check it out.

I'm very sorry you had to go through that.

That anger is very understandable.

That is quite true...

The closest I have to that is video games, but I don't play them to release anger, plus they aren't physical activities, so overall, no, I don't.

[wishcoulddelete]

So, uh, another thing happened. I'm sorry if I'm being a bother.
My mom was cooking and while she even admitted that she had messed up cooking, she made me eat the food (a common occurrence), and while admittedly I'm a picky eater, I could tell that it was objectively bad (it was very burnt). When I wasn't chewing she started yelling at me and forced me to chew and swallow, but when I tried to go back to my room while chewing, she forced me to eat more, and then screamed at me saying that she's gonna have to take me to a nutritionist. (A bit of context, I may be picky, but not to the point where I'm malnourished. Occasionally even my mom notices I'm putting on weight (, hence the strict limit of pleasure foods).)
After this I can't even approach her without scrunching up my body and flinching whenever I'm spoken to. Am I being a brat and overreacting, or is this a proper response, or something else?

[Onionpie]

Hi TrueJustice. I would say you're not overreacting at all -- you're certainly far from being a brat, too. Being yelled at is always an experience that causes some level of anxiety, so having a fearful response is very typical of ANYONE who is being/has just been yelled at. But having a big history of being yelled at, by the particular person who happens to be yelling at you at the time, really compounds the effects. Being yelled at frequently is a traumatizing experience, and it conditions us to respond in ways to keep ourselves out of harm's way. Physically responding to her presence is an absolutely normal response in that kind of situation. I know I too respond physically to even the thought that I'm going to be yelled at, so you're not alone in this.

Forcing someone to eat something they don't want to (even if it's not burned) is never acceptable -- basically, forcing someone to do ANYTHING with their own body that they don't want to is never acceptable. Yelling at someone for not doing what you want them to is never acceptable. Not all parents are like that, it's not you who is overreacting and being out of line here -- it's them. How are you feeling about the situation? Do you feel angry? Sad? Or just feeling scared of her right now? Can you do something enjoyable to comfort yourself? Read a good book, draw something, write something, listen to some good music (and maybe even dance along)?

[wishcoulddelete]

I'm just feeling scared. I don't want to let myself feel any more feelings because of it. And, I don't really know any methods of comfort that work for me.

[Sam W]

Hi Truejustice,

That's a completely understandable reaction to what happened. Something to try would be to journal (that can just be on a blank piece of paper, doesn't have to be in an actual journal) out the feelings that this incident is bringing up for you. That can help you process them rather than trying to keep them from happening (I'd suggest destroying the paper once it's written. That can also be a release of feelings).

With trying to self-comfort, let's start with this: are there things that make you feel good and/or distract you when you're feeling down that you're able to do pretty easily at home?

[wishcoulddelete]

I'll try that when I get home.

Well, I have video games, but occasionally those cause frustration as well, and again, it's not a physical activity.

[Heather]

The stuff about physical engagement we talked about a while back was more about working to make peace with your body and sexuality than it was about emotional self-care with something like this, just to be clear.

It seems like one thing you have clearly identified as self-care and comfort for you is just talking here, so if you'd like to do that for a little bit, I'm around and would be glad to talk with you if that feels helpful.

A few other ideas you might think about for self-care and comfort that are probably within reach are things like:
• Reading a favorite book or watching a favorite movie (Over the years, I've personally developed a handful of books and films that I have read or watched many times because they're my personal playlist when it comes to things that let me have big feelings in a way that speaks to me, and also feels like a comfort because they're very familiar)
• Listening to music
• Meditating, deep breathing, or both
• Visualizing the kind of life you really want and just enjoying that practice

[wishcoulddelete]

There are other people who need help, I can't just hog all your time.

None of that stuff seems particularly enjoyable to me.

[Heather]

You're not hogging it.

Comforting ourselves isn't really the same as enjoying ourselves: it's about taking care of ourselves emotionally, and finding things that give us safe ways to just experience our feelings, including when those feelings aren't pleasant, and reduce the stress of them.