How do I nurture a positive sexual identity after meds messed things up?

[sighsighsigh]

Hi all,

I'm 22-years-old and have been in a committed relationship with a guy for almost two years. We were each other's “first” and have always had wonderful communication when it comes to sex. My partner is kind-hearted and always concerned about my boundaries, comfort level, wants, and needs. He's also very sensitive to the fact that I have lingering self-esteem issues from growing up fat and never feeling “beautiful” or worthy of love (don't worry, I've come around). We had a great sex life the first year of our relationship, but things changed when I went on Sertraline/Zoloft, an anxiety medication.

I am my best self on this medication -- it has really done wonders for my life -- but I’m no longer able to orgasm. Well, kind of. You know how when you're trying to get there and feel “the spark”? From there, finishing is imminent so you ride the wave of pleasure straight to curled toes and giggles... I've totally lost that. I hardly ever feel sexual anymore. If by some miracle I'm able to get the spark, there's no satisfying finish. It just turns into nothingness.

My doctor said this should go away over time, that the benefits to other areas of my life outweigh this minor inconvenience. I've been on my meds for over a year, even lowered my dosage by x3, but nothing is changing. Feeling “broken” like this has started changing the way I feel toward sex/sexuality altogether, and I'm having a hard time grappling with it all when just a year ago I was happy and satisfied. (I mean, I remember what those good orgasms felt like. )

Nowadays, I find myself deflecting my partner's sexual advances with silliness. We live long-distance and only visit each other once a month, so when we're together I can't help but think of bedtime as Sex Time. Even though my partner makes it clear that he doesn't want to do anything if I'm not in the mood, I now get really weird/silly any time we settle into bed.

I'm also very, very uncomfortable with the concept of romantic intimacy. Like, the term “make love” freaks me out. I feel incapable of being romantically/sexually vulnerable with my partner even though we pour our guts out to each other all the time. I have a hard time looking him in the eyes during sex sometimes, or thinking of sex as anything in the realm of “beautiful” or “spiritual.” I didn't used to have these hangs up. I don't know if they're connected to my dysfunction, or what, but I'm usually such a self aware person that it is very unsettling not knowing what's going on with my mind and body!

The good news is: I've got a kick-butt partner who makes me feel beautiful, loved, respected, and all that jazz. But I'm clearly experiencing some type of crisis where the idea of being all romantic and sexual throws me in a tizzy, so I try to deflect, act silly, and just don't do the deed that often.

I could use some reassurance.

Thanks,
sighsighsigh

[Sam W]

Hi sighsighsigh,

This sounds like a frustrating situation to be in (although hooray for finding a med that helps you feel like you). I have to say I disagree with your doctor a little. While it's true that you feeling less anxious and more happy is important, for a lot of people a libido shift is not simply a minor inconvenience (and it's clearly causing you some unhappiness). Those shifts can throw a wrench into our sex lives and shift relationship dynamics, although in your case it sounds like your partner is pretty rad.

I have a few thoughts about things that might help. The first is to take a step back in terms of what you're focusing on during sex. Maybe take orgasms off the table entirely as a goal, and instead focus on what feels good on all parts of your body. Take time to explore each other without worrying about orgasm. Doing this can accomplish two things: first, it takes the pressure off (which can, ironically, end up making orgasm easier). It might also help you to find a place where you're feeling comfortable being vulnerable and intimate. Does that make sense?

Going along with that, this article might give you some ideas about how to find ways of being intimate with your partner that are comfortable for you right now: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

Lastly, if you haven't been doing this already, you might try introducing sex toys into the mix. Some people find that those can bring new sensations into sex that help stimulate you, and sometimes just the novelty of trying something new can bring in a little bit of that spark.

[sighsighsigh]

Hi Sam W,

Thanks so much for the response. I feel a little silly because it never occurred to me to try being sexual without orgasm as the end-goal. I'm going to share this revelation (!) with my partner and try to enjoy the "journey" more. Thank you!

[Sam W]

You're welcome!