Nonconforming and feeling inadequate and unlovable.

[aguas_frescas]

Hey everybody, just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to listen and talk to me, I appreciate it!

I'm not entirely sure where to start with this, but I've been struggling especially hard with feeling like an unlovable, affectionately unwanted person recently and while so far I've been good at ignoring or sublimating these painful feelings lately there's been this surge of loneliness and skin hunger and despair and I could really use some advice or perspective on it because its starting to eat me up inside.

I've identified three factors I think I'm self sabotaging myself with but they're all so enmeshed I feel like I'm in this lonely cave with these things and no one in my life really understands them.

First, while I don't particularly like labels or find them very useful (for me personally) but it would be accurate to say I've been gender nonconforming my whole life. Assigned female I was a scrappy little tomboy as a child who grew into a vaguely androgynous young adult who usually has a pretty ambiguous wardrobe, though once in a blue moon I'll dress really feminine or obviously masculine. So though people see and understand me as female, they tend to have a hard time reading me otherwise. Though I'm fine with female pronouns it's always, always weirded me out to be called a girl or young lady or woman. I never felt like a girl but I never felt like a boy, either. I just felt like me. I've been told because I'm so ambiguous and am not really "advertising" to any particular genders this is the reason I haven't really found more than one fleeting romantic partner. People have a hard time reading my gender, expression, and sexuality as easily as others so I just sort of tend to disappear off their radar.

Second, I suffer from PCOS. A previous doctor told me it wasn't an issue unless and until I ever wanted to get pregnant, but I feel like this whole syndrome is robbing me of a body I can feel comfortable in or remotely confident sharing with other people, even in non-sexual contexts. I have androgenic hair on my chin and jawline that I have to scrupulously pluck or shave daily. There are hairs on my breasts and below my naval that re way darker and coarser than they should be. Even though I have an insanely rigorous profession that keeps me working like a draft horse I'm overweight and feel powerless to fix it. And the acne. Yikes. Not as bad as it has been on my face but on my back and shoulders. An adventurous life so far has also left me covered in scars which I used to think was kinda awesome because stories, but lately I can't stand the sight of myself because I feel like a fat, hairy, bumpy, unsightly mess. It feels like a vicious cycle of craving touch and connection so bad it makes me cry and then looking at my body and being convinced its repulsive and undesirable that THAT makes me freak out and feel stuck and alone. I won't go swimming or a massage much less seek out or feel able to accept loving touch from friends or romantic partners. How do you explain all of this to your mother who doesn't understand why you won't ever wear a tank top even around the house?

Which brings me to my last factor, and the of one I feel most ashamed of, and that's feeling like I live in the shadow of my own mother, who I love dearly and is my best friend. She's a young mom and looks even younger and to be frank, she's a bit of a knockout bombshell. Sometimes I feel so lame and less-than or invisible next to her when we go out. I love when my friends compliment my mother but it hurts that it seems the comments always seem to compare us. Like "Wow! That's your mom? I never would have guessed - she's so glamorous!" To be perfectly clear, I feel like a horrible person to feel this way, but in a weird way its like we both feel like we got shortchanged. She loves me unconditionally but always really wanted a girly daughter to share interests with, and I feel like I'm inferior to her, who turns heads with flawless skin and a dancer's body and perfect fashion sense. Its not that I feel like I'm competing with her at all, just that she represents qualities I plainly lack and it makes me feel shitty, like if I were different or just played by the rules I wouldn't feel so alone all the time.

Part of me feels like this is a huge pile of stuff I need to let go of already, but I think I might be...kind of missing the point? Am I thinking about this wrong? Am I isolating myself? Is there never really a time anyone feels like enough or adequate or worthy? Help!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, aguas_frescas. (And hello to a fellow King Countier!) I'm sorry it's because you're feeling so bad, but I'm glad you're here.

You already know that this is a lot of big stuff, so one exchange or a few blips of advice isn't going to cut it. This is a longer conversation than that. So, I'm just going to dig in with some first thoughts, impressions and questions I have, and we can take it from there as you'd like.

Starting from the bottom, it's very common for mothers and daughters to struggle with these kinds of feelings and feel, in a nutshell, like they're in competition or are always being compared and contrasted with each other. Often, that has a lot to do with the world enabling and setting up that dynamic, and how all of that plays into an existing relationship. So, a first thing I'm wondering is if you've talked with your mother about these feelings. It sounds like you have a very close and loving relationship, so if you haven't talked together about this already, I'd give it a shot. That kind of conversation all by itself might leave you feeling better, and your mother might also be able to give you some comfort and support around this.

With a lot of the PCOS stuff, it's sounding to me like the struggle you're feeling with its impacts on your appearance, and what you're doing to try and control that, are based pretty strongly on how cisgender women are "supposed" to look. Since it sounds like your felt and wanted experience of gender identity is much more fluid than these ideas about looks, beauty ideals and your gender, I'm curious about -- just to understand some of this better -- why you feel like that's having a big impact on you. Might you feel able to, for example, leave the hairs right where they are? After all, the only supposed-to is going to be external. Your body is doing what it does because it's your body, that also happens to have PCOS. So, really, it's not doing what it isn't supposed to do, it's doing what it, your body, does. My feeling is that a lot of the stress from this is coming not from what your body is doing, but from what you feel like you have to do to make it conform to some kind of idealized body, mostly based on big binary gender constructs and their "norms".

I think in asking how you talk about this with your mother, it might help to remember that people's body image varies, and it varies for people with every kind of body there is. That includes the kind of bodies most culturally idealized at a given time: people with looks or bodies some folks, even many folks, perceive as ideal can also have or have had body image struggles. So, I'd not assume she doesn't have them or has never had them NOR that she sees you like YOU see you to get why YOU would be having issues. Again, you two sound close, so I'd say the way to connect and talk about this is just to be emotionally open, have an open mind, and then just be open and real.

That's what I've got to start.

[aguas_frescas]

Hi Heather! And thanks for chatting with me - sorry it took me so long to reply but I've been dealing with an injury (bad shoulder acting up) and away from a computer the past few days but I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me!

As far as my mom and I talking about this stuff I wouldn't say we've ever had, like, a sit-down, feely conversation about it because that seems a little excessive (though to be honest sit-down lets talk about feelings conversations have always made me squirm). We tend to joke about it and that's how we're able to approach it. I guess the humor helps keep a barrier there.

You're absolutely right that though I and most other people view her one way she has an entirely different view of herself that I'd almost call a severe dysphoria. She was raised in an extremely abusive household and was told daily that she was ugly and worthless like it was a scientific fact and has spent a lot of energy trying to make that un-true in her own mind. I think it's why she's so taken with fashion and makeup and so on, and also why she's almost obsessive about her weight and about whether or not she's 'fat'. It's been borderline eat-disordered behavior in the past but luckily now that she's getting into her forties she's started to learn how to not starve herself or over-exercise and eat when she's hungry and so on.

Although I maintain that I just happened to come out of the womb a sort of gender-neutral tomboy human she has expressed feeling that my rejection of traditional femininity is a result of seeing and understanding from an early age that she did a lot of things not entirelybecause she just likes and wants to play with makeup and clothes, which is certainly partly true - but also because it's how she can have control over how people see and value her. She feels like I eschew that stuff in a rebellion of it. I guess at least subconsciously, sure, that makes sense. Like, "I rebel against the notion that I have to look or act a certain way to gain approval so watch me roll around in the mud and wear hiking boots all the time!" But reflection shows me that this is just who I am, same as she just really loves playing with earrings and feather boas and big hats I like pine cones and animal skulls and hiking long distances for no damn reason.

But at the same time, you're right about me feeling at war with the results of having a body with PCOS and how it's often running counter to how cisgender women are 'supposed' to look. When I think about why this is having a big impact on me I have to admit I'm a little annoyed that it's really about how others see me. I'm afraid that if I just let everything grow and do it's thing and pursue people like this I'm going to end up lonelier than I already am. My mother has repeatedly said that she feels like I'm in a shell, like I'm 'hiding' and for a long, long time I had to try and convince her that I'm not gay, because I think that's the first thing that springs to mind especially considering my gender expression, and it was upsetting because even I couldn't put my finger on it but I've been starting to understand that it's about feeling like I'm...unacceptable? In a way?

Like who could want me? And so far I think I've sort of built myself and my relationships with other people in a way that self-perpetuates that truth in my own head. I don't feel attractive or desirable and if I get a sense someone might feel interested in me, sexually or sensually or in whatever way I'm wanting from someone eventually, I feel pretty certain they're mistaken and if they knew I have goddamn hairs sprouting on my chest and belly and stretch marks and scars and flab over all the muscle that makes me strong and people admire me for - they would change their minds. Writing it all out makes it seem really reductive and silly but in my head it becomes this big thing and it's true, I totally hold back and hide and play my cards really close

[Sam W]

Hi aguas_frescas,

Do you feel like a conversation about these feelings is doable with your mom, even if it runs counter to how you and she normally interact? If so, we might be able to get you started on how to approach that conversation.

With the feelings about your body and your overall self, when you think those messages, whose voice are they in? For instance, some people who struggle with body image find that the "voice" of the "your body is no good" brain doesn't sound like them, and instead sounds like a school bully, or an unsupportive relative, or the people on TMZ (is TMZ still a thing?). What does yours sound like?

When you say you feel unacceptable, does that feel more like unacceptable to yourself, or to someone (or something else)?

We talk a lot about the benefit of body positive spaces and thinking here at Scarleteen, and we can absolutely provide you with resources about that if you're interested in them. But there's also a baby step that you might find helpful. Have you spent time in, or looking at, online spaces where people look the way you do (or the way you like to look)? Sometimes even just seeing someone else looking like you and being confident while they do so can shake the jerk part of your brain and go "look, that person is like me, they are good and valuable and rad, and therefore I am those things to"

[Heather]

I would add, from my read on this, that it sounds like having a real conversation about this -- considering both your loaded histories with it and the love it sounds like you have for each other -- could really be of benefit to you both. It just sounds that something you could actually wind up really connecting on, learning from each other through, and also each feeling more supported by.

And it's not like you can't still bring gallows humor to the table, if that's your way.

[Heather]

I'd also add, though I know it can be hard to remember, that beauty standards truly aren't universal AND who people are attracted to is incredibly varied. In other words, I hear YOU saying that YOU find funky hairs and some chub unattractive on yourself, but that only tells us about you and your own beauty standards and your own feelings about yourself.

There are people who feel differently in general, about anyone, and people who do or will probably feel differently about you, specifically, who might find your funky little hairs utterly endearing and feel all hubba-hubba about the places you have more fat over your muscle because they like that kind of body composition the most.