orgasm problems

[Kittylene]

Hi, so I been dating this guy for 6 months now, we met online and we finally met in real life.
We have always skyped, and FaceTime so we knew how we look before in real life.
When we finally met in real life everything has been fantastic, he absolutely adores me, and loves to show me his affection... The problem is that when it comes to sex, I just can't make him have an orgasm, and it's absolutely devastating for me. Makes me feel less than a woman.
He said he had never had this problem before, and I have asked him if it's me, maybe I'm not attractive enough for him, but he says it's not me (maybe he's just being nice and doesn't want to hurt me?.. Maybe he loves me but it's not physically attracted to me?)
But this goes every time, and it's so confusing because most of the times we attempt to have sex (I said attempt because he just keeps going until I cum and then he can't keep going) he is the one taking the initiative. So I am so confused...
Help ;(

[Sam W]

Hi Kittylene,

It can be frustrating to want to help a partner orgasm and find that their body is not responding the way you had hoped. Especially when women are often taught that "pleasing" their man is proof of their skill. However, orgasm is not the be all end all of having sex, and you can think of it more as a fun addition to the other pleasures that sex can bring. And it sounds like you two have a good sexual connection going, which is rad!

That being said, it may be that there is some stuff going on your boyfriend's life that's making it harder for him to orgasm. Things like medication, or stress, can affect how our bodies respond to sex. Too, it may be a matter of you two experimenting with new positions, types of sex, or even toys to find something that works for him. You could even ask him to show you what he does when he masturbates, to get a sense of of where the good spots are on his body. It may also be that for the time being he orgasms from something like masturbation after you two are done having penetrative sex. That's actually more common than people think, and can be just as intimate as penetrative sex is. Do any of those ideas sound like they'd work for you two?

[Kittylene]

We love each other very much and we are engaged. But this is really really worrying me.
Okay a little bit of more background is that, I'm his first girlfriend/sexual partner in 8 years, but I've tried everything and at this point I'm not even wanting to have sex anymore, because it's not enjoyable for him since he never finish.
We have tried that, he has told me what to do, how to stimulate him etc, but I just can't seem to get him to finish... I mean I know sex is not a big thing in a relationship but I know this will affect us in the long run. I just don't know what to do, I am so depressed and sad about this.

[Sam W]

Ah, okay, so it sounds like you have been experimenting. Just to get a better sense of things, is he able to orgasm when he masturbates? And as far as toys go, what things have you two tried?

It sounds like this is really frustrating for you. Is he also frustrated, or is he eager to keep trying? Too, it may help to think about the fact that sex can be satisfying and extremely pleasurable even if one person (or both people) don't orgasm from it. That doesn't mean orgasms aren't fun or important, just that they're not the only thing that makes sex fun.

[Kittylene]

Yeah, well when we start foreplaying before intercourse, I'm like I'm not sure if I want to do it, and he asked me why? I told him it was because I didn't feel like it was fair for him to not finish, he smiled and say you can finish me and he told me what to do, but every single time he looses his erection. And it so frustrating because this has never happen to him before, or to me. So I'm starting to really think it's me.

He does finish when he masturbates, but when we have second I finish, he doesn't try to finish himself, seems like he does it better when he's alone.
But he always seems okay about not finishing, he says as long as I'm happy. But I'm not happy if he can't finish. And I've told him how I feel.
Every time after we have sex and I finish, things get a bit awkward :/.

[Heather]

I think it might be helpful to think about what you're looking for, what you want, when it comes to him reaching orgasm. You may just find that while orgasm can give you whatever that is, something more within people's control, that also doesn't add stress to anything for anyone, can give you the same things.

For example, in your posts hear, I think I'm hearing you say that you feel orgasm would validate you in feeling attractive to him. I also hear you saying you feel orgasm "proves" he has enjoyed himself (hint: it doesn't, and sometimes people orgasm who really haven't enjoyed themselves, while often people who have enjoyed themselves don't reach orgasm).

So, just addressing those two things, you can ask your partner to express their feelings of attraction to you more, like with their words, or by, when you want to, engaging in a kind of sex that's centered mostly on your own pleasure. You can ask him to tell you how he's enjoying himself with words: what he really likes and wants more of when it's happening, and what's got him super excited.

We really can't ever put all our eggs in one orgasm basket: orgasm is simply something so much more out of people's control than other things, and when people start feeling like it's required, it makes sex a lot less enjoyable for everyone, even when orgasm DOES happen. Make sense?

[Kittylene]

I think you are right, I been focusing so much on him having an orgasm, that when we have sex I don't really enjoy it anymore because I feel bad about him not having one.
But just last night we engaged in sex and he was able to cum.
After that we talked about it and he said he really doesnt know what was happening to him all the other times, that it was not me for sure.

I guess now we just have to keep trying new stuff, see what each of us enjoy the most, be more communicative and try to make sex enjoyable for both of us.

Thank you so much for your help, you and the scarleteen team are such amazing people. You really do help us people a lot.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you again

[Heather]

Just so you both have information, orgasm is an involuntary nervous system response. So, there's really no "why" for people not reaching orgasm that all doesn't just boil down to "because that body just didn't do that that day."

I'd advise against talking about why or why not with orgasm: it just keeps you both focused on something that is very, very unlikely to be the real issue here or make any kind of real difference in both of you feeling better, rather than keeping you hung up on this. I'd suggest you both just seriously let that all go.

The better conversation when what people really want is to enjoy sex together, with and without orgasm, is to talk about what each person wants, needs, enjoys and doesn't when it comes to sex: to focus on pleasure, not orgasm. Because again, if people are enjoying themselves, we can be talking about minutes to hours of enjoyment. Orgasm only lasts a few seconds, and if the rest of sex isn't enjoyable, few people are going to feel satisfied, alone or together, just because they had an orgasm.

So, something else you might want to think about and talk about is you having sex when *you* are not enjoying it, physically or emotionally. If you're too hung up on something that's getting you down, it doesn't really make sense to have sex you don't want and aren't into, because that's not the way to an enjoyable sex life. Instead, you'll want to ONLY have sex when it's what you really want (whatever kind of sex that is), and are into it, and if you're in a pattern of neither in a sexual relationship, it's often best to step away from sex in that relationship until you work out, by yourself and together, how to have your sex life only involve sex when everyone involved really wants it and is feeling good before, during and after emotionally.