Confused About My Orientation?

[SkipBear]

I should probably start off by saying that I am a girl. For about a year now, I've been telling myself that I am pansexual. I think I've only been telling myself that I'm pansexual because it's the only sexuality I know of that describes how I feel closest. But I don't think pansexual is an accurate term to describe my orientation because of several things.

I only feel sexual attraction to people who have a penis (not exclusive to cis men). I feel romantic attraction to anyone (nonbinary people, cis people, genderfluid, ect). The only exception is that I've never felt either for trans* women, for some reason.

So, because I do not feel attracted sexually to all people, I don't think I am pansexual. I think maybe if a romantic relationship was formed with someone who has a vagina, I might eventually feel sexually attracted to them, but I don't really know. I don't want to wrongly label myself as pansexual, but I don't know what term would be able to describe my feelings. Is there anything to describe this? Should I just not label myself as any sexuality and just do whatever feels right?

Also, I am currently romantically interested in a cis girl (who is homosexual) and she doesn't know my sexuality yet. I don't want to pursue a relationship with her unless she knows about my sexuality, but I don't want her to think I am not interested in her just because I don't want to have sex with her. Has anyone else had to explain this kind of thing to a significant other, and if so, how did you tell them? Is there anything I certainly should or should not say when I tell her? Should I just not pursue a relationship with her at all, since she may develop sexual feelings towards me that I probably won't be able to return?

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for your time

[Jacob]

Hi Skip Bear!

Welcome to the boards. It's good to have you.

Basically I'd say 'do whatever feels right' is definitely the best starting point. It sounds to me like you actually have a rather clear idea of who you are most often attracted to, and that really your question is about what to call it.

For me sexual orientation is about attraction, and even vaguer than that, the potential for attraction. Just because a guy identifies as gay doesn't mean they are attracted to all men, so really they're just identifying where there is the most potential in their love life. It could also be that it's an identity that says they see themselves as part of the gay community. What I'm saying here is that it isn't an exact science... a label is as much of a choice as are the boundaries and preferences you express to a potential partner.

My guess is that the girl you are interested in might be a lot more concerned about how you feel about her, than how you feel about all people of all genders and body types ever. If we need to let someone know that we're not interested in sex but might be interested in kissing/snuggling/romantic-candle-lit-dinners(TM), we can say that, and it doesn't really require a bulletproof orientation-alibi. She may want to know more, you can of course divulge that you don't really like sex with women but would really enjoy some less physical stuff with her... indeed you can go into even more detail. But that is about sharing and getting to know you... I don't think it's your duty to summarise that stuff.

So in summary from me, yep, pansexual works as simply saying not-straight and not-bi but into lots of different types of people (even if not all), I wouldn't see it as a dishonest descriptor but a rather good fit for the irregular reality that is a person's orientation. But, when it comes to explaining your preferences and boundaries, really it's not your responsibility to provide that label, to be heard... and sometimes it can be a lot clearer to state those preferences in terms of the relationship.

How does that sound to you?

To be honest it is great that you are even questioning this stuff, plenty of people do just charge into things expecting others to understand where they're coming from and it can get messy. I hope what I've said is a help while you're clearly aiming not to do that.

[SkipBear]

Thanks so much, Jacob!

What you said really helped clear things up for me. I think I just needed some reassurance that I wasn't doing something wrong by identifying as pansexual without fitting the definition perfectly. Before now, I have been hesitant to discuss my orientation with other people because of how uncertain I was about it, but now I think I'll be able to describe my feelings more confidently.

I think you're right about what I should tell the girl I'm interested in as well. I tend to worry about things much more than I need to, so getting someone else's perspective on the situation really helps. I will definitely try to explain the feelings I have for her specifically, rather than for all people in general (unless, of course, she'd like to know about that too).

Again, thank you very much for responding. Your advice makes a lot of sense to me and I really appreciate it. I hope you have a lovely day!

[Heather]

I'd add that given we know -- and have known from so many people's experiences, as well as the study of sexuality -- how fluid orientation is, I think it's safe to say that is any general term for orientation doesn't appear to have room for at least some flexibility or variance, the problem is likely more the term than the person whose identity doesn't fit it.

Additionally, I personally feel like when anyone uses terms like pansexual, bisexual, or queer what I generally assume without knowing anything else about them (and I myself use these terms and have for decades) is that what they're trying to express is that heterosexual or homosexual don't fit, and anything beyond that is pretty up for grabs, and that that one thing is pretty much all I can figure I know. And even that is an assumption I figure may sometimes not be sound.

Remember, all these terms are supposed to be are very broad shorthand. They're not terms that can ever, all by themselves, likely be adequate reflections of a person's life experiences, relationships or sexuality.

I find that what I like about these terms is that they do often seem to come with more open-endedness than others. But if they don't feel that way for you, you always have the option of coming up with your own! After all, all of these terms were terms -- none more than around 150 years old, no less -- that someone came up with once to try and describe something they felt there wasn't adequate existing language to describe. So, we all always can do the same if and when we like, too!

[dollroses]

Hi!

So not only is there a sexual orientation, but there's also a romantic orientation! These two don't always align, and that's fine! Ultimately what you want to label yourself is up to you, but maybe something you'd want to look into is panromantic heterosexual. Panromantic means that you can be romantically attracted to all genders, and heterosexual meaning only sexually attracted to the opposite sex.

A lot of people don't know about romantic orientations, but there's so many labels for it out there! I'm sure you'll be able to find something that you can relate closely to, and if not, you can make one! Or even not use a label at all! Everything is fine when it comes to your own identity.

[The_Alpha]

I completely get what you mean Skip Bear, I'm the same in the fact that I'm generally only sexually attracted to girls but emotionally I like guys too.

Glad to know I'm not the only person like this though.

I agree with Jacob, just go with the flow ^,^