What's Your Queer?

[Heather]

As someone queer as far as I can remember, I tend to get growly anytime anyone makes like the Q is an afterthought, or like L, G or B can work for everyone. Heck, I'm even a bit growly that when I was growing up and trying to figure all this out for myself we didn't even have any real cultural discourse about gender identity (roles, yes: identity, not so much) or "queer" as nomenclature. I remember being excited enough at 15 to finally find "bisexual" as a term, but while it was a much better fit than my other options for a framework as understanding myself and my sexual attractions in terms of gender, it still was never entirely right. I sure wish I didn't have to wait for queer as a framework, but I sure have been happy since it came around and I could grab it.

Sometimes, though, it's hard for people to understand WHY we queers who love that Q like nobody's business do, and why other frameworks or terms just aren't as good a fit, if they're a fit at all. So, I was thinking it'd be nice to have a discussion (and maybe use it for a bigger blog entry or article later) where those of us who do identify as queer talk a little bit about why that term and/or framework works so well for us.

I know for me (again, would that I had these frameworks growing up!), I an AFAB who generally feels pretty agender most of the time, and when I lean more towards the masculine or the feminine, it's still in pretty nonbinary ways and not in ways that tend to match cultural roles or ideas about either very much. I also have long found that by and large, when it comes to who I am sexually drawn to or partner with, gender is usually a total non-issue, and unless someone is presenting their gender in a super-binary way, gender just rarely has ever seemed to even cross my radar in that respect. And I also find that when I'm sexually interacting with men in this respect, if I have to attach things to binary gender, I tend to interact with them in a way that feels (and I've had male partners make this observation, too) more like being a man interacting with them than a woman; when I'm interacting with women, I'm all over the place-genderwise. And when I'm with people a bit more like myself who are more genderqueer, agender or androgynous, the way I interact is also all over the map. I'm attracted most, when I look at the long pattern of my life, to people who are more genderqueer: when I have found myself attracted to people who ID as men, they tend to be more feminine than the most typical gender roles/presentation for men, and the women I've been attracted to more masculine than the most typical gender roles/presentation for women.

Heterosexuality certainly never worked as a framework for me (the first great sigh of my life was another girl, so it wasn't ever even in the running). I don't identify as masculine for gay to work, and since, outside a handful of years in there where I was, I'm not solely or exclusively attracted to women, lesbian never did, either. Like I said, bisexual did the job well enough, but there was always that piece where it insisted in a binary I don't feel for myself or often with others. And, of course, all of those options also are based in a framework that basically insists you have to identify your own gender on the binary.

That's my queer, in the tiniest of nutshells. For those of you who also identify as the Q (rather than the L, G or B), what's yours?

[LaurenBacall]

This isn't exactly an answer to the question, but this is something we read in class about queer identity and queer politics. In case anyone was interested in reading about that, it's pretty cool.

http://www.isabelcporras.com/punks%2Bbu ... Bcohen.pdf

[Heather]

I really would like for responses to this thread to be about what's personal for any of us who identify as queer ourselves, participating here in first-person, please. Thanks!

[Sam W]

For me, queer is the label that feels right in the here and now. When I think of myself as bi or pan, it doesn't feel right (that's about as specific as I can get in describing it). Queer captures something of the weirdness and unpredictability of my sexual and romantic desires, and that makes it feel like it fits with the rest of my being. I only realized my queerness about a year ago, so I'm still very early in the process of figuring this all out. Queer as a label makes me feel like I have the space to do that.

[Redskies]

For me, the first word I'd usually use to describe my own orientation is bisexual, and having that word is important to me - but the whys of that don't belong in this thread! (Though, while linguistically "bisexual" is very imperfect, I don't associate the meaning with any kind of binary, so I'm not personally needing "queer" as a binary-buster - though also, yup, cis person talking there.)

Still, I'd not have something really important if i didn't also have the word "queer", and there's no other word which fills what that does.

For me, "queer" is more about community, connecting with people, being part of an overall thing, being similar-enough in a particular way. Someone can have a different orientation to me - and have some significantly different experiences and needs especially if they're monosexual - but if we're both queer, we have a lot more in common than we do different, we're in-it-together when wrangling with heteronormativity. My politics and concerns are specifically bi/bi-umbrella - anything and everything to do with needs/experiences of anyone who's non-monosexual - AND queer, anything that's counter to heteronormativity. One's narrower than the other - necessarily, I think - and I want and need both.

Practically, I'd be lost without the word "queer". How do I say "lesbian, bisexual, non-binary, and more, women" if I want to refer to that general group, if i want to position myself there? "Queer women". Still imperfect, but a lot shorter and more flexibly inclusive!

"Queer" is comforting to me because of its breadth. I've experienced my own orientation the same way my whole adolescent and adult life, so I'm pretty sure I'd feel weird and confused if it shifted (as it still might); I can't guarantee that "bisexual" will always be accurate and right for me, but I think it's wildly unlikely I'll ever be anything that's not some kind of queer. I feel comforted that I'd always have "queer"; some part of myself that I've known will always be true, even if there are some big changes.

As a word, it's also a bit challenging to me, and I appreciate and value that about it. In the UK, "queer" is still more likely to be a very nasty slur-word to most people older than around 35, 40 (so I don't usually use it in older company); as a kid in a mostly-traditional setting, I never heard it reclaimed as a positive thing and only heard it as a slur (or as its older meaning, "peculiar"). It still gives me a small poke as if it were a slur, every time I hear, see or use it, because that's such a strong association, i guess. I use it because of that. I'm saying "yep, heteronormativity, I see you; and I reject you!"

[Nave]

For me, queer represents my feelings and attractions towards others in both a romantic and sexual sense. Growing up, while I felt comfortable with my gender identity, I couldn't reconcile my attractions with any of the labels I knew. To state who I love and want to be loved by feels constrained by the typical L, G, and B. In identifying as queer, I have the freedom to announce that I love who I love, that my attractions aren't defined by terms I had no say in defining. I'd have to agree with what's stated above: queer comforts me with its fluidity and breadth, and it gives me power over my confusion.

[Hermioneg]

I like to describe myself as queer partly because of the non-specificity of it; for me it's the most fluid definition in that I don't really have to define myself.
People tend to take queer to mean "not straight" and leave it at that, which is a nice way of letting them know you're somewhere in the lgbtq+ spectrum without them interrogating you about the specifics.
Tbh "not straight" is what I'm most comfortable identifying as, as although i know I like both girls, boys and non binary people (which in theory would have me labeled as pan) the solidity of that label kind of scares me, as if it then creates a standard I have to live my life by in the eyes of others.
Queer is a nicely nondescript thing to identify and feels as if it could change or shift over time, more so than the defining feature of other labels; it kind of dispels the concept that a person's sexuality n e v e r changes, that if they were gay at one point they'll a l w a y s be gay- at least in my eyes.

Also, there's something wonderfully unapologetic about claiming that word back, as it has always been (and sort of continues to be) a slur in the UK; it feels like a defiance, and a proud one at that, as I kind of substitute for the fact that I'm not "out" to everyone.
Finally, I love identifying as queer as part of a wider community. it doesn't matter what your orientation is. Whether you identify within a binary gender spectrum or no, or whether you are simply different to each other; we can all unite in being queer.

[Carla MCG]

Over the years I've indentified myself as all of the above at one time or another. I finally got to the point that I don't label myself at all, although I do use pan when specifically asked. But for me I ended up getting tired of labels and decided I was just going to be me.

[punkishjerk]

I have always considered myself pansexual when asked, but when I think about it I realise that I require more labels if any. It's the same thing with my gender identity. I am attracted to guys, but only on my "I would love to have a dick right now" days. And it's the same thing with girls but with boobs. But I don't really identify as genderfluid because I don't really feel I have a gender. And while I get that I am young and "I don't really know what I am yet", it just would be nice to not be so confused all the time. But I am figuring it out, so it isn't all bad.