Orgasms

[OkayOkay]

I'm almost 18 and I've never been able to have an orgasm. I've tried everything. It's hurting my relationship because he feels like he can't satisfy me. Why can't I have an orgasm?

[Karyn]

I'm sorry your partner feels that he can't satisfy you just because you haven't had an orgasm: if you haven't made it clear to him already, it sounds like he could stand to hear that enjoying sex is about waaaaaaay more than whether or not anyone has an orgasm. It's possible to have an orgasm and not really find that particular instance of sex terribly great, or not to have an orgasm and really, really enjoy yourself. When orgasm does happen, sure, it can feel nice (although sometimes it doesn't really feel like much of anything - it tends to vary from day to day, person to person) but it isn't any measure of satisfaction or enjoyment, by any means, and it absolutely shouldn't be seen as a goal or the only purpose of sex.

The other thing about orgasm is that it isn't something someone can "make" happen to someone else. We can learn, over time, what things tend to lead to orgasm (how we like being touched or what generally feels especially good) but orgasm is a nervous system response, and like anything to do with bodies, it's a bit unpredictable. (Although worrying about whether you'll ever experience an orgasm, and stressing about trying to make it happen, is a very good way to make sure it doesn't - stress and being turned on and enjoying yourself don't go together.)

If you haven't spoken to your boyfriend about this already, it's worth doing so, and maybe having a look at this piece together: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

You might also find this advice column, on a similar topic, useful: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... s_a_noshow

[Heather]

Too, know that most people. Of all genders, do not first learn to orgasm with a partners, but on their own, through masturbation.

That's not surprising: for one, you can get to know your own body better than anyone else ever can. And the kind of pressure and fear you are reporting here about orgasm with a partner isn't there when it's just yourself: that pressure and fear, all by itself, makes orgasm - and even just having a good time with sex - very unlikely.

So, if you are not exploring your own body, your own sexuality, by yourself yet, without a partner, know that that is usually the surest way to learn a lot about what you even like and don't like, as well as being the way most people learn to and first experience orgasm.