Guidance about Bisexuality

[LeppaBerry17]

Hey, thanks first and foremost for any help you all can offer, I'll appreciate whatever can be sent my way. My problem is deciding whether I'm bisexual or if I'm just very confused. To explain more on this, I'm a 19 year old young lady who has taken nothing but romantic interest in men this far, but whenever I fantasize it's always been about women and pretty much women only. All in all that sounds to me as if I'm bisexual with a romantic and sexual interest in men and only sexual interest in woman with possible romantic interests, but I don't want to take up that title if it's going to be hurtful. I feel ashamed for only having sexual interest, it feels dehumanizing in a sense towards women and those who are bisexual, so I've put the issue aside quietly for years and ignored it until now. As far as romantic interests goes it's something I've never given much thought, I grew up with the common idea of girls like boys and accepted that at face value but I have since come into my own beliefs on the subject. That said I have been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend for around four years now, another reason why I didn't give much thought to the idea of being bisexual and haven't branched out to explore the possibility. This seems like the safest way to help sort myself out though, talking with people who have more experience than I do and sound answers on the subject, what I hope to gain is clarification on if I'm fetishzing women and need to stop and take a step back, or if what I'm facing is normal and okay. Thanks again for the help, I look forward to any feedback and further conversations.

[Sam W]

Hi Leppaberry and welcome to Scarleteen,

There's no one "right" way to be bisexual, and plenty of people who identify as bi don't feel the exact same way about men and women. So, if bi feels like it fits as a descriptor for how you feel, then you get to use it. If another label, like pansexuality, feels more appropriate, you can choose to use that one (and what label you prefer might shift throughout your life). Does that all make sense?

I think you might find this article helpful right about now: Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz

[LeppaBerry17]

Yes, thank you for your response and the article, I'll be sure to read through it and then read through it again if I'm having any doubts. I'll do some more reading and some more thinking. I'm glad this site exists and I think you're all doing a wonderful job.

[Heather]

I also want to add that the idea that having sexual feelings somehow is automatically sullied in some way - and in your case, this seems to be translating to the idea that if someone only wants sexual, rather than romantic (a frame that is heterocentric by origin and design, no less), interactions with women, there must be something dehumanizing about that - comes from a cultural view of sex that says, basically, sex itself is sullied unless it is attached to something else.

But our sexualities and sexual interactions are as human and whole as anything else. They aren't yucky or bad or objectifying by default. For sure, we can go about them in those ways, but that's a choice. Wanting to be sexual with someone else only objectifies them if you are seeing and treating them as objects, not people, and given how worried you are about doing that, it seems pretty unlikely to me that's something you are doing or will do.

Too, it seems this fear assumes that some woman you might want to have a sexual interaction or sexual relationship with might not want that for herself, too. Ironically, that might be where you're tripping up when it comes to objectification here, because presuming women don't or can't have or enjoy sex or sexuality unless it is attached to romance is actually not really seeing women as whole, complex and diverse people with whole, complex and diverse sexualities, if you follow me. Know what I mean?

[LeppaBerry17]

Yes I do understand, this all makes sense to me and I agree with you. I might have been getting too wrapped up in my own head or worrying about what I was doing to realize it, which is why I'm so glad you both took the time to talk with me about it. It really means so much I have tears of relief over here just finding out I wasn't doing something wrong, or that I won't be so long as I'm mindful of what I'm doing. Like I said I'm new to this so I have a lot to learn or a lot of things to reconsider, so really thank you both so, so much, Sam and Heather.