How can I support my partner

[LittleEloise]

Hi!

I've been reading through the website and can't seem to find adequate resources. I'm not actually sure if you can help me with this, but I trust your judgement and you probably could recommend another site if you are not able to help. Thanks in advance.

I think my boyfriend's mother is emotionally abusive and I am not sure how to handle it or help him handle it.

A few pointers: my bf's parents had him relatively later in life (when they were 40 or so) and that makes them somewhat overprotective. Bf also has a twin brother. They both were very sheltered when kids, and not very social. Nevertheless they didn't feel lonely because they always had each other as their bff.

Since the begginning of the relationship, I have always known his mom was overprotective and anxious. We both live in the same town and study in college in a city 20min away. She would call to check if he has arrived to college, she calls to see if he has talked to his brother who also goes to the same college, she will call if she thinks its getting late (at 4 pm). If we happen to have an activity in the city but outside university, she will call to see if we have arruved, when can we get
back, etc. She's always worried something will happen: bf has told me when they were kids she used to tell him to walk before her because if he walked behing he could get abducted.

I just passed it as being the behavior of an overprotective mother that was worried their kids were growing up and going to college. I met my bf and from the first moment I thought she seemes wary of me, I believed it would pass eventually and I always act respectfully.

Little by little my bf has been expanding his social life to include more people than his brother and mother (they have a dad, mom-dad aren't divorced but dad lives in another city and usually comes to town on the weekends). This has not been "because of me", our relationship is rather a consequence of his new openness with the world.

He now participates in our school's activities, has other friends and spends more time out of his home, but nevertheless, always "behaves himself": never drinks alcohol, never parties, always home before 7 pm. The thing is, his mother always calls him out and treats him as if he were in danger of getting drunk, drugged and get himself in trouble, when in fact he is always very careful and wary.

It gets worse because his mom always compares him to his brother in this regard: " your brother is already home, your brother never goes out, your brother doesn't waste time being at college after class, your brother doesn't give me these kinds of frights, your brother always cleans up after himself, your brother helps me with the house, you never want to do anything" I have been in their home and know for a fact he does clean up and helps, the main difference is his brother still only has their mother and his brother as friends. He has no close friendships outside his immediate family, and has no hobbies outside of the ones he shares with his brother, that are mainly done inside the house (watching movies, designing t-shirts and comic stories). My bf has not abandoned these hobbies with his brother, and still spends most of his time with him, he has only taken on other interests (part time work at college, an internship, he takes the occasionnal workshop on his major, and has me). He doesn't event take time apart to be with me bc we share most classes and other interests so we se each other on those times.

Still, his mother has increased her worries about him, and lets him know this at any time and also tells his brother to tell him of her constant anxieties. Where he to miss a call or forget to send a text, her mother goes absolutely crazy and calls him repeatedly, as well as command his brother to call him or me to see where he is.

She also won't let him do a lot of things, or change his plans, without reason and as if he were still a kid (we're both on our twenties). She will only "let him" go away, to another city, if it is because of school, and even then she calls constantly. Earlier this year, our friends planned to go a beach for a week on spring break. We were both invited, he wanted to go and his mother wouldn't let him. He pleaded that he needed the small vacation, he worked hard at school and had never gone out with friends on a trip. Her mother said no no no. Two days before, his father came to town again and basically made his mom give him permission. My bf has repeatedly says that his father calms down his mother and makes her not call her sons that much. She doesn't worry less, just shows it less. Bf was thrilled and had a great time, his mother called twice a day and if he didn't answer she would call me or make his twin call me to see where was his brother. In these convos, she was always asking what were we doing, and giving lots of advice and caution about not drowning, not drinking, not poisoning ourselves, etc. My bf would always leave these convos stressed out, kinda angry and would snap back at her mom saying stuff like "mom, calm down! I'm fine! We're good! Calm down! There's nothing going on!" And such.

As my bf and I have become closer, I've been able to see up close how their relationship works. She always scolds him, warns him, worries. This causes him to snap back in the way I told before. She will then redouble her efforts, and even threatens to not let him go again. If he has any plans to travel, she will hold until the last minute wether or not he can go, then demand everything to be carefully planned out, safe, no improv and for her to be informed of everytging that might be going on.

Last week the bf and I went to a congress in another city, and I got to see exactly how her mother behaves. She was not happy to know I was also coming with her son (she's polite with me, but thinks I'm too much of a liberal for her taste). Before leaving, she warned us both: "remember, the phone should be always on. Call me every night at eight. Be careful" the next day we went to a hiking trip bc the congress started late in the afternoon. My bf called her to tell her of this, she told him not to go, it was dangerous (it wasn't) and that we wouldn't be able to get back to the congress on time. He snapped that she was overly anxious, and that we would be back on time. When he came back from the call, even if he had snapped at his mom, he was super anxious and stressed about going back on time, about the congress, etc. In the end, I told him we could stay if he wanted to, he said he wanted to go hiking, we went. Coming down, the bus came really late. Her mother called him to know where we were, how were we coming back to the city, at what time, to tell him that the bus we were waiting for would probably never come, that we would have to sleep up in the mountain, that it was dangerous, that it was a very bad idea to go hiking, that we were suppossed to go to the city for work not for play, that we had to take our work more seriusly, etc. He snapped again, told her to calm down and that she was overreacting. When he hang up, he was super anxious and stressed out. Told me the bus might never come, etc etc. He didn't want to talk.

I let him be for a while, but he didn't calm down after a couple minutes. I told him what I had told him once before: you need to talk to your family and your mother. It is not good for you to get so stressed out bc of your mother stressing out over you. He told me he knew I had a point, but he had already tried to talk and wasn't useful. He said he was stressed out bc he knew his mother was freaking out back home and he couldn't control that. I told him, I'm not the most calm person in the world, but I know the theory, and there are some things you can control and some you can't. Your mother is one of them. You only can control how you feel and your reactions to the world around you stressing you out. He said he couldn't not care and he was stressed about her mother stressing. He told me to drop the subject. I complied, tried to make him think of something else, talked to him about how pretty had it been up there, the view, the adventure, our good choices, etc.

Later that day, when he called her mom to let her know we were home, he tried to tell her about the hike, how pretty the view was, and I heard how she dismissed it. I literally saw the joy run out of his face. It was like a little kid that got scolded for trying to do something good. He changed the subject, she warned him a bit more, then he talked to his brother, who was more open and heard the significantly smaller story about the view and the hike.

I'm worried because I see that this situation affects him. I think the constant comparison with his twin, where he always comes out "loosing", could eventually damage that reationship even if at the moment it seems unaffected.

I have also noticed he has some unhealthy pattern for dealing with arguments with me: he will agree to my point in order, I think, not to make me mad, even when I have repeatedly told him it is best to disagree and then come up with a solution together. He doesn't want to talk about his relationship with his mother, and I really don't know how to handle it.

I have tried not to make it about me (ie. Your mother doesn't like me, thinks I'm taking you away from her and wants to control you! That's not healthy nor loving!) And have tried more making it about his mental health: this is not good for you, you get overly stressed, this is not healthy, you should try and talk calmly to your family and tell them how this constant fighting and nagging makes you feel. He hasn't talked to them, but I believe my point is slowly sinking in.

Even so, I think he believes I don't get him because that's how you know you're loved, and at my family they exploit me and don't miss me when I'm away. I haven't confronted this exact belief bc I think it could be counterproducing.

I really need some advice on how to handle this. Our relationship is shaping itself to be a serious, long and committed one, and I believe these issues in the long run could be a serious problem for us (not knowing how to fight properly, his mom being overly controlling of every little detail of her son's life, etc).

My most urgent questions are: should I address this with him? If so, how? Is this actually abuse or am I being paranoid? How often should I talk this over with him? Better wait until he's not stressed out?

I also think his mom is basically dumping in his sons the unhappiness or insatisfactions she might have with her life. I have asked my bf if they have talked about a "turning point" of sorts, when will he be grown up enough to make his choices? When he moves out of the country? When he marries? He has said "that's a good question" and leaves it at that. He has recognized that the only way his mom would be happy is if he did nothing. I commented that even if he did nothing, his mom would still worry beause of him. He told me to drop it.

I don't think he is ready to accept this might need therapy sooner rather than later. Also, I have noticed that his mom or any member of his family never touch or give affection to each other. The most is a pat in the arm or shoulder. I try to give him physical affection without overwhelming him and I think it has worked, at least in taking the anxiety out of it for him.

I just need advice and guidance on how to address this, what to say and when. I don't want to be an extra source of stress for him "not to dissapoint". Even if we break up, I just want him to be happy, comfortable in his own skin and in healthy relationships.

[Karyn]

Hi LittleEloise. This sounds like a tough spot to be in and it's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and concerned for your partner. I have a few thoughts, but I'll leave a note for the other staff members and volunteers too and hopefully they'll have some useful advice as well.

I'd say the most important thing is figuring out what kind of support or help your partner wants and needs from you right now. It's difficult - almost impossible - to force someone to deal with a situation when they're not ready, and that goes for unhealthy relationships as much as anything. It can be incredibly hard and frustrating to watch someone we care about get treated badly, but it isn't up to you to make change happen: that's something he needs to do on his own terms and in his own time. (Relatedly, you get to decide if this situation is something you can deal with, especially given it seems unlikely to change any time in the near future. He gets to choose when/if he's ready to change his relationship with his mother, but you also get to decide that it's something you just can't handle, either now or in the future if it gets to be too much. Not an easy choice, I know, but something you may want to think about.)

If you haven't already, I would suggest sitting down with him and asking what kind of support he needs, but in a way that does not imply that he should do something to change the situation. So, for example, phrasing it as, "I know that when you argue with your mom it stresses you out a lot. Is there anything you would like me to do when that happens?" rather than "I know that arguing with your mom stresses you out, you should talk to her about it and tell her not to be so overprotective." It's almost instinctive for many people to want to fix things when something goes wrong for someone we care about, but often what people need (or need first before a solution to the problem) is just to let those emotions out and feel heard - empathy instead of strategy.

Like I said, those are my initial thoughts, and hopefully you'll get some other input as well, but does talking about this with him in the way I suggested sound workable to you?

[LittleEloise]

Thanks for answering so quickly! Yes, that seems like a possible way to address this, and the "how would you rather I handle it" is a convo we kinda had this past week.

After a while of me cheering him up after his mom called, I told him: I just don't know what to do when you get like this. Should I cheer you up, ignore it or let you complain and vent? It just feels like nothing works" then he said "of course it works, it all works". That leaves me in the same spot as before. I will try and address this again with him this week, to see if he has a more concrete or specific answer.

[Sam W]

Hi LittleEloise,

I think it's sound to address this with him again, for both of your sakes. One possibility during that conversation, if he gives you the same kind of unspecific answer is to say, "okay, I'm going to try (insert strategy here) the next few times this happens to see if that helps. How does that sound to you?" That way you're not left wondering what to do the next time this happens. Does that sound doable?