I feel like I'm neglecting my new boyfriend.

[UnknownRobin]

Hi, I just recently got a boyfriend (my first proper one) and I don't know how to DO a relationship. For an example he tries to tell me he likes me but it flys right over my head. Another example is when we were out with a group of his friends I was talking with them and when ever I talked with my boyfriend I didn't look at his face like I used to before we were dating. So I feel like I'm neglecting my boyfriend and he's really nice and he really really likes me and I think I might actually like him quite a bit but I don't know how to manuever this. Please give me some advice!

[Redskies]

Welcome to the boards!

There isn't really one way to "do" a relationship In any relationship, there's a mixture of different things creating it and making it its unique self: you, what you want, and what feels good to you; the person you're in a relationship with, what they want and what feels good to them; and what the two of you create together, how you communicate and function as a team.

Any time we're in a relationship, we get to discover the parts about the other person and about the joint team. We usually discover something new about our own self, too! But especially in a first relationship, it can feel like there's a lot to learn about our own self in relationships - it's really okay if it's feeling like a bit of a steep learning curve. You get to take the time you need to figure it out: none of us can know things that we haven't yet learned!

When you say you feel like you're neglecting him, is that about you feeling like you're not doing something right, you're not doing something the way you should be doing? Or, are you wanting something to be different than how it is? Or, has he expressed that he's not happy with something or he'd like something to be different?

[UnknownRobin]

Why I feel like I'm neglecting him is because he constantly shows his affections for me in multiple ways and I have yet to reciprocate in any form. When he says he loves me I just awkwardly stand there unable to respond because I can't say or show something back. He always shows his emotions and such and voices his thoughts while I have extreme difficulties expressing myself.

I feel like a burden sometimes because it seems like he's always catering to me, and I've said something about it to him. But I just feel like my anxiety is just getting the best of me per usual.

[Sam W]

Hi UnknownRobin,

Thank you for clarifying. When you mentioned how you're feeling to him, how did he respond?

Do you find you have these same kinds of feelings about reciprocation in your non-romantic relationships? In other words, how does it feel and how do you react when friends or family express affection for you?

As Redskies mentioned, part of this is simply that this kind of relationship is new to you and you're learning how you "do" relationships. You might find this article really helpful in that process, as it covers the different ways we show intimacy to other people: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

[UnknownRobin]

When I told him how I feel he freaked out and spent twenty minutes reassuring me that I'm not a burden and I should never feel that way. It was strange because all my life it's been just me and I've never felt comfortable depending on another person for anything.

When friends and family express affection towards me I feel like my skin is crawling and that they must be crazy. I normally just blow it off by joking or self-depreciation but most often than none I do my best to avoid affectionate situations. When my mom started to want to hug me more I would whine and wiggle my way out of her grasp to go hide in my room (I still do that).

Also thank you for the article link, it really clarified things for me.

[Heather]

I have a few questions to try and get a better sense of where your aversion/discomfort with touch might be coming from that will help us better figure out how to hep you best here if you don't mind.

Do you have any kind of trauma in your history when it comes to touch, like any kind of abuse history, especially any physical or sexual abuse?

If not (or even if so), when you look at this set of questions below from the NIMH, how many of them feel true for you and how many don't? (What I'm trying to get a sense of is if this might have to do with being somewhere on the autism spectrum, since discomfort with touch like this can be part of that.)

Do you:
- Repeat certain behaviors or have unusual behaviors
- Have overly focused interests, such as with moving objects or parts of objects
- Have a lasting, intense interest in certain topics, such as numbers, details, or facts
- Feel upset by a slight change in a routine or being placed in a new or overstimulating setting
- Make little or inconsistent eye contact
- Tend to look and listen less to people in their environment
- Respond unusually (that may be things like feeling super uncomfortable, or reacting in ways that don't seem to "match" these feelings others are showing) when others show anger, distress, or affection
- Fail or be slow to respond to your name or other verbal attempts to gain your attention
- Have difficulties with the back and forth of conversations
- Often talk at length about a favorite subject but won’t allow anyone else a chance to respond or notice when others react indifferently
- Have facial expressions, movements, and gestures that others feel do not "match" what you are saying
- Have an unusual tone of voice that may sound sing-song or flat and robot-like
- Have trouble understanding another person’s point of view, which makes you feel unable to predict or understand other people’s actions

[UnknownRobin]

I don't have a history of any sort of physical abuse execpt from some verbal abuse (because if I don't get yelled at I usually ignore everything around me). But my dad also has a touch aversion and he said it got better once he was in his late twenties.

I do have attention deficient disorder but I'm too laid back to have the hyperactivity portion. I also have a slight OCD about certain things like how my dresser is arranged and I throw a fit when my little sister messes it up (it's probably a common thing). I have to maintain eye contact with someone when I'm speaking but when I'm not I'm usually looking at the ground. Also if something's moving it has my full attention and I block everything out.

Oh, and I also don't do well with emotionally distressed people. I am not the one to come for comfort because I'll usually tell them to suck it up or make death threats against the person who made them cry. My friend usually directs them away from me if their depressed because they make me depressed or highly irritated because of my short temper (when I actually have the energy to get mad).

[Sam W]

With the verbal abuse, is that people yelling to get your attention, or yelling at you to make you feel bad about yourself? When you talked with your dad about his touch aversion, did he talk at all about how he dealt with it before it improved?

You mention ADD and OCD. Were those formal diagnoses, and if they were are you currently working with someone to manage them? I ask because, if there's already a therapist or counselor in the mix, they'd be someone to talk to about this.

[Heather]

What Sam asked still withstanding, OCD also often involves aversion to touch for a lot of people who have it. Too, more intimate relationships, and intimacy, period (like someone coming to you when they are in distress), can also intensify OCD for many people, as well as more often, or in bigger ways, increase OCD behaviours. Those things can obviously present some challenges!

But that doesn't mean it's impossible. If this is what's happening for you -- and by all means, like Sam said, if you see a therapist or other mental healthcare provider for your OCD, this is something they can help you work with and figure out how to manage in your dating relationship -- you can learn to manage it.

I have a couple links for you about dating and OCD. Why don't you take a look at them, see if any of this rings true for you, and also if any of it seems helpful? We can also talk about any of it with you.

• https://www.bustle.com/articles/115320- ... u-have-ocd
• https://themighty.com/2016/05/dating-so ... d-anxiety/
• https://www.verywell.com/ocd-and-relationships-2510562

This might also be worth looking at to see if any of it speaks to you: http://www.robertweissmsw.com/about-sex ... avoidance/

One last thing to think about is your self-esteem. Back at the top, you talked about not being able to really emotionally take in your boyfriend's statements of affection for you. If and when our self-esteem isn't really that good, or is outright absent, that's pretty common. How would you say your self-esteem is?

[UnknownRobin]

Thank you for the links to the articles, they really clarified that how I react (with my blasted OCD) is normal for someone with OCD.

For the verbal abuse it's both really, people have to yell at me and or call me several derogatory terms for me to actually pay attention to them. I normally shrug the derogatory part off but it comes back to bite me in the butt later when I'm alone.

My dad said the way he coped with his touch aversion when he was younger was by spending quite a lot of time alone either doing school work or working out on the plant nursery his family owned.

I do not see any sort of medical professional for my ADD and OCD because a.) insurance doesn't cover it and b.) my general doctor who had me tested said my results barely made it over the mental disorder line.


You could say I have a non-existent self-esteem but from my poin of view I just have a strong grip over my emotions. I'm known around my school as the queen of stone because I just stare at you and let everything said to me slide right off me. I've had the occasional 'mental break' where I suddenly started crying for no reason but it usually lasts 20 mins before I get it under control.

[Sam W]

Glad the articles were helpful

Are the people yelling at you people at school or in your family?

Given what we've talked about here, I'd put in a vote for seeing what kinds of low cost or sliding scale mental healthcare you might have access to. If your school has a counselor, they should be able to give you a sense of what community resources you have available to you. The reason I say this is that from your description it sounds like this is having adverse effects on your life that you'd like help addressing. A counselor is the person who can do that. Do you feel comfortable asking your school counselor for resources?

Too, what said you said about being the queen of stone is something I'm familiar with. You're right that there's a certain sense of strength and control in being able to keep a lid on your emotions. But as someone who went through years of that only to have it culminate in a nearly year-long breakdown, I wish I'd done some steps to address what was going on earlier. I don't say that to scare you, but mostly to say that emotions have a way of getting out sooner or later, and the more you can do to give them regular ways to do that the easier you'll make things for yourself.

[Heather]

Self-esteem isn't about how other people see us or how we react to other people. Self-esteem is our own sense of self, and how we value ourselves, even when there is no one else involved or around.

So, what I was asking about there is: what is your own sense of self like? Do you see yourself as someone of worth and value? Do you like who you are? Do you love you?

[Heather]

Oh, and like Sam, I'd also put in a vote for seeing what's available for you outside or without insurance, especially since you're a young person, so there may be kinds of mental healthcare available to you at low or no-cost.

Too, do you know if your insurance covers medications? If it does, and it also covers general healthcare, you could have a discussion with your general doctor about medication options. Ideally, those are paired with therapy, but you know, we can only do what's within our reach.

Lastly, do you have a library card? If so, my personal favorite book for young people to help them do what they can (especially when help from a therapist isn't within reach) is a book called "My Anxious Mind" by Dr. Michael Tompkins. Not only might it be really helpful to you, sharing it with your boyfriend so he can have a better sense of things might be a relief to you.

[UnknownRobin]

I broke up with him. I started to feel really insecure about myself and my anxiety went through the roof so I ended it. I don't know if I'm just running away from my problem or I did the right thing. I feel like scum because he was so heartbroken and angry that I was doing this, he told me he felt like I used him and that's what did me in. He's a really nice guy and all but I was always uncomfortable from the start. I think it would be just better if we were friends. But I just screwed myself over because my mom really liked him and his mother was so happy we got together. I'm terrified that everyone will see me as a horrid person for doing this to such a nice person like him. My mom will just guilt me again by using the old 'you run away from everything' line and make me feel more like crap.

[Onionpie]

Hi UnknownRobin. I'm sorry to hear that you were struggling with your anxiety, and that you're feeling crummy about this. Your relationships are nobody else's business, and nobody else gets a say in the way you deal with your own relationships. So know that if your mum makes any comments, she's extremely out of line and I hope you're able to remind yourself of that so you feel less crappy.

And, you know, plenty of nice people have been broken up with because relationships aren't only about whether someone is nice or not. It's also about feeling a connection, and having needs and wants in common, and attraction, and all this other stuff that has to do with way more than just if the person is nice or not. Also? Your mum isn't in this relationship. Neither is his mum. So just because they were both happy you were together, does not mean that you should have stayed together! It does not mean it was a good relationship! What makes a relationship good is whether the people IN IT are happy and feel good about it. It's about YOUR needs in a relationship, not your mum's.

I know that it sucks when you know you've hurt someone, especially when it's someone you care about; but his feelings aren't your responsibility to manage, and if you felt uncomfortable the whole time, then it seems like maybe the relationships just wasn't the best thing for you at this particular time and ending it now was the right call for yourself. Nobody gets to decide that but YOU. It doesn't make you a bad person -- you made a hard decision that you felt was best for the long-term happiness of both of you. That doesn't sound like a bad person to me. That sounds like a thoughtful person to me!

And, you know -- we can't tell you whether you're running away from your problems, that's something only you can sort out for yourself. But it sounds to me like you felt that this just wasn't a comfortable fit for you right now, and that's okay. Maybe it will take some time of working on your anxiety before you feel comfortable being in a relationship. And that's OKAY! That's for YOU to decide for your own comfort and safety!