I think I've been gaslighted by more then one person

[DarkLady]

I don't really know where to put this so please go ahead and move it if this is the wrong place for it. This is going to be one hell of a long post because there is a lot of background to this.

Okay so to start off about two and a half years ago I still lived at home with my family. Things had been rather tense for a lot of reasons but it really escalated when I was sitting my final exam to be accepted to college. My mother went into my bedroom when I was at school sitting my first exam and read my diary (it had been on my bedside table I was preoccupied with my exam that mourning and forgot to put it away). She read it and learned I was transgender (MTF). She told my father. After that there began a lot of fights. I was angry over this invasion of my privacy and my mother said if it was private then I shouldn't have left it out. My father and brother defended her(my brother even saying he had read the receipts from my therapist on my desk so I can't blame my mother). Things did not get any better. At the time I was going to have an appointment with a doctor to see about going on hormone blockers. My father however forbade this saying that he didn't know enough about it and it might hurt me.(I was nineteen at the time).

This caused a fight because I flow off the handle in a rage that he would think he had the right to interfere in my medical choices. My mother began to force me to see other 'doctors'(that is in quotations because she was actually taking me to alternative medicine practitioners who have no scientific basis for what they do). My parents made it very clear to me that I had no say in these matters despite the fact I was of age and this was my health. When I tried to refuse I was told I should move out then. My mother asked me at one point if I was planning on getting Estrogen. I said I was. She then became so angry and said she would abandon me if she found out I was taking an 'artificial chemical'. She even threatened to kill herself at one point if I didn't go along with what she wanted. Her favorite line is 'if I died tonight how would you feel knowing you said that to me'. I once again tried to appeal to my father and brother for help but received no support. My father didn't want my younger sister to know of my identity as well making it very clear he didn't want me around her.

My salvation came when I got accepted to college on the other side of the country. I packed everything up and left home. I continued to pursue my transition in this new city and connect with the lgbt community here. I've been in counselling for over a year and take medication for depression. The only two times I have been home over the past two and half years was for Christmas and both times were horrible. The first time my mother came into my room and said that I had to finish my education before taking hrt. This caused me to loose my temper again with her and I kicked her out of my room.

However what follows next is the confusing part she tried talking to me again while I was at home and I told her I did not want to have these conversations. She asked why not. I simply said because she had said she would abandon me, cut me off, has threatened to kill herself over this and the list goes on. She then said 'I never actually said that'. But she had. I keep a diary like I said before and I have the dates when she said these things written down. When I left after Christmas I wrote down what happened. But now she is denying they happened. She seemed so confident about it that for a moment I doubted myself. She has only ever talked like that when no else was around. Often in the car. Sometimes when I say this to her she gets upset and says something like 'I'm sorry I've been such bad mother'-often after this I start feeling bad for what I've said and I try to comfort her but she then lashes out at me.

Since I've been in college I've come across the term gaslighting a few times. I've tried googling it but often get conflicting information. Is this what my mother is doing? I've talked about this with my counselor but I have never said the actual word. Neither has he. I'm scared to bring it up in case I actually horrible wrong. I've do suffer from anxiety sometimes I do get ahead of myself.

This is not the only time someone has caused me to doubt myself like this. When I started living be myself I discovered that a friend (lets call him C) of mine who had had romantic feelings for was having a relationship with a married and older man. This situation caused a huge amount stress to me and no matter what I said or did my friend continued with the affair. In the end I stopped hanging round him for the simply reason that I couldn't cope with his behavior. I confided in someone whom I also thought was a friend about this (I will admit to talking a lot about it). This person thought I should reconnect with C. When I refused to do so they became angry and very intimidating. They insisted C was a child (he was almost twenty) and that he was being abused.

Every time I said that he wasn't being abused to my knowledge (from what I saw and what he told me) they then said 'Did he tell you everything?' This culminated one night when they screamed at me in a pub with many people from our college. I left the pub in tears. They followed me out and tried to comfort me and did take me home. However what I did not know and only found out after the fact (8 months) was that they had outed me to everyone in the pub AFTER I had left. I stopped speaking to them five months after they had screamed at me. The things that confuses me again is they claimed when I confronted them that they had never yelled at me.....the whole pub was quiet. When I said this they leashed out and became extremely angry. Is this an example of gaslighting? Or am I just way out of my head?

I really don't know what to think anymore even writing this is causing me to doubt myself. Please if anyone can make sense of this please tell me.

[Heather]

Before I say anything else, DarkLady, I am so sorry you've been put through all of this. You, like anyone else, deserve privacy, whether that's about your diary or about if, how, with whom and where you're out in any regard. It's terrible that that hasn't been respected by so many people.

So, gaslighting is an abusive or manipulative tactic where someone basically either denies reality or creates a fiction they present as being real in order to disorient someone else, and make them feel unsure about what really is real. It's also often used for someone to refuse to be responsible or accountable for something.

What your mother has done here, presuming she does remember what she said to you, is gaslighting. Too, telling you she's sorry for being a bad mother rather than saying what she is actually sorry for also sounds like a deflection of responsibility to me, because she's not addressing any actual actions here that would make her a bad mother (or not, but that she did to you and were not okay). Taking responsibility would be more like, "I'm sorry I threatened to kill myself to you," or "I'm sorry I said I would abandon you."

In terms of what happened at the pub, yes, when that person sad they didn't scream at you but they had, that, too, is gaslighting.

It may help to remind yourself, with both these things, that you somehow not remembering such traumatic treatment of you would be awfully unlikely. Too, how would it benefit you to think your mother had said all those things when she hadn't, or that this person you thought was your friend had done these awful things when they had?

Again, I'm so sorry you've been through both these things, and if we can give you any extra support around them, please let us know.

[DarkLady]

Thank you Heather, that is a huge weight off my shoulders.

No I can't think of why I would make any of this up. With that person who I thought was my friend that well it was as someone put it to me an abusive friendship (we were never sexually or romantically involved so that is the best way I can think of putting it).

As for my mother how could she not remember saying such things? Do you mean she has blocked these things out somehow? I can't imagine why I would think these things unless they happened. She says she is sorry for being a bad mother but she never changes her behavior and I've come to accept the fact I can't make her change her behavior or of my other family members. I will bring this up with my counselor next time I see him. I guess I could do with some information on Gaslighting and other similar abuse tactics?

I have my semester exams soon and my degree is fully paid now. I am in final year. I am just focusing on my exams passing them is my first goal. Beyond that I haven't thought ahead.

Again Thank you so much I feel so much better now.

[Sam W]

Hi Dark Lady,

Seconding Heather's sentiment that I'm so sorry you had to deal with any of this. And major high fives for being in your final year of your degree!

With your mom, I think Heather was getting at the idea that it's incredibly unlikely that your mom would forget saying such things to you. Is it possible? Of course. But it's unlikely that she'd just space on something so traumatic that she said to someone she supposedly cares for. Which means she does remember and is pretending not to.

I would definitely bring this up with the counselor next time. They could point you towards some resources. In the meantime, this article has some good information: https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/th ... slighting/ . I also like the site Captain Awkward, as it often discusses abuse tactics like gaslighting.

[DarkLady]

Thank you Sam W

I will bring this up with mu counsellor at our next session.
So most likely my mom has said these things and intentionally gaslighting me. I see thank you the article. I'll have a think about it between now and my next session.