How to relax before sex?

[Lordie]

I'm used to masturbating on my own, when I have sex with someone I can't relax.

Should I have an (alcoholic) drink or two before I have sex? But that dulls sensation, doesn't it.

[Heather]

Alcohol presents a bunch of different issues when mixed with sex, including with consent. And generally, if someone can't relax to have sex without alcohol, they're probably covering up something pretty important.

Can you fill me in a little bit on your sexual experience with partners so far? Like, how many different people are we talking about? And if you didn't feel able to be comfortable with any of them, and to relax, what's the theme there? Were you generally comfortable with these partners on the whole? Did you feel safe with them, for instance, being emotionally intimate? What is it, exactly, you feel is making you feel unable to relax with partners?

[Lordie]

Hmm, I've had around 5, most of those people I've had sex with only once, although there were some long term FWBs in the mix.

I think self consciousness has something to do with it, I got bullied a lot for what I looked like in school, and I have had sex partners who weren't very enthusiastic about my body, like they were settling for it. There were partners who were very complimentary though, so maybe I should focus on those.

Apart from self-consciousness I don't really feel safe, especially as guys are much stronger than you, anything can happen. I've been forced to give someone a blowjob before, I've also been mugged (separate occasion, and not by a sexual partner).

Having someone there while you try to have sexual thoughts and get aroused is super challenging, I've found. Compared to masturbating by yourself, I mean.

[Heather]

Okay, so you've had some trauma, including sexual assault (how long ago was that, if you don't mind my asking?), and I also hear you saying that you don't feel safe with male partners (mind, men aren't always stronger than everyone else, but you feel how you feel, and it's your feelings creating these issues). I also hear you saying you don't feel comfortable in your own skin with sexual partners.

So, let's try this: have you yet been with a partner where a) you felt completely safe and secure that they would not do you bodily harm AND where you also felt pretty comfortable in your own skin?

[Lordie]

Hmm, I think a couple of times I've felt secure and relatively comfortable about how I looked like. But even then it's like a lot of pressure on you while you try to have sexual thoughts to get aroused because they're constantly looking at you, it's distracting. I always get nervous.

[Heather]

Okay, so a couple thoughts:
- I think it's possible you just haven't yet met a sexual partner that is a good fit for you. I don't think that's the only thing, but for example, I imagine if you met someone you felt safe with, and felt very aroused by/attracted to (so you wouldn't have to be working so hard to try and generate those thoughts and feelings, rather than having them just as generated by the person and experience itself), and who, for example, wasn't a big looker-atter, and was someone who, maybe more like you, was an eye-closer and less comfortable being looked at.

- It also sounds like you could just stand to do some more work, life changes, to amp up your self-confidence and maybe work through more of the trauma you have when it comes to your body and being bullied. That could look like, just as an example, finding something to do WITH your body that made you feel good in it (who knows what that is, could be rock-climbing, could be dancing, could be building things, etc.) and maybe some therapy.

- In the meantime, I wonder if you talk to your sexual partners about these feelings and issues, particularly to make clear what you know doesn't work for you, and what you think might. You'll obviously have to figure out more of what that is to have things to share, but communication ahead of time to see is a) someone is even likely to be a good partner to you, as some won't be worth the try, and b) if you two can find some things together that help you feel more comfortable.

[Lordie]

Thanks for the advice. I'll try those things out.

God, maybe this whole sex thing just isn't for me, I mean I clearly don't enjoy it, and I'm getting to the point where I'm just beginning to accept that.

[Sam W]

Hi Lordie,

Chiming in to say it's definitely worth it to try Heather's suggestions before giving up. It can definitely be frustrating to feel like sex is something out of your grasp, but a lot of it really does come down to finding partners who mesh with you (and there's plenty of luck involved in that process) and learning to be comfortable in your own skin.

With communicating with your sexual partner around these issues, is that something you feel pretty comfortable and prepared to do? Or would you like some tools to help you out?

[Lordie]

Oh I do intend to try her suggestions, I'm very grateful for the help, I was just venting more than anything with the giving up talk.

would you like some tools to help you out?

That would be nice, it's an awkward thing to talk about with guys.

[Jacob]

With communication, this is always a great place to start Lordie: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner