Dealing With Anxiety and Memories While Living At Home

[ladyrevan21]

Hi.

I figured that I'd talk about this here because I need some advice and suggestions. Basically, I've gone to other sites about this in the past but I could definitely use some suggestions here.

To make a long story short, I started having some memories back in 2015 that I can only describe as repressed memories. I currently live at home with the same person who's the subject of these memories, which is causing me quite a bit of distress. I would move out, but I'm still a college student, and I'm not exactly good with either money or independence. (Both of which I'm trying to work on)

So far, I'm kind of picking up new developments in my memories that are making me start to doubt myself a bit, just details that throw what I thought I knew into question, which is making me doubt moving out even more, actually. It doesn't help that I've been kind of used to being told I'm overreacting to something, so maybe old coping mechanisms are kicking back in.

The question is, what do I do? How do I navigate the terrain of living at home while I'm figuring all this out? Where do I go from here? It should be simple, honestly, but I still feel really stuck. And are there any ways I can take care of myself while I'm sorting through all this?

(I hope I made sense; I'm a little freaked out, so my post probably makes zero sense)

[Sam W]

Hi Ladyrevan,

First and foremost, do you feel like living in the house is putting your safety at risk? In other words, are there indicators that the things cropping up in your memories might happen again?

One suggestion if you find that some of what your feeling is tied to being in the house is to find more and more ways to not be in the house. That could mean hanging out with friends, studying in the library, volunteering, or anything else that means you're not in a space that's stressing you out.

I'd also suggest looking this over to see if there are some coping and care mechanisms in it that you might be able to use: Self-Care a La Carte

[ladyrevan21]

Thankfully, no. I mean, it's over. The event's over. And yet I'm really scared. I guess part of it is really devastation, just because...thing about my mother and I is that we were pretty tight. She always stuck up for me when I was struggling with my learning disabilities, she encouraged my writing...it's safe to say that it just really, really hurts that I've dug up those memories.

And thank you for the list. I admit I'm pretty drawn to the whole reading thing; I guess it helps that when I was a kid and stressed out, I read a lot. Movies also helped. But yeah, again, thank you. Really.

[Karyn]

I'm glad those self-care suggestions that Sam linked you to were useful, and it's good that your safety isn't at risk right now.

It does sound like you would benefit from working towards moving out of this living situation, though, and of course if you want to talk about the memories/event in more detail here we can definitely do that.

[ladyrevan21]

Thank you, on all counts. In all honesty, my memories are rather foggy and everything, so it's hard to explain them. And do you have any suggestions as to how I can work towards moving out?

[Heather]

Can you give us a bit of a picture as to what your resources are with that right now? Like financially and practically otherwise, socially, how able you feel to be more independent and what the barriers to that, if any, feel like or are for you?

[ladyrevan21]

Well, I don't really have money, and I'm not really too great at reaching out to people when I need help. I know the basics of budgeting and self-care but could use improvement in all sorts of areas of independence. If that makes any sense, of course.

[Heather]

Are you currently working (in other words, do you have an income at all?), or currently enrolled in school?

[ladyrevan21]

I'm currently enrolled in school. Before, I was trying to make school my top priority. Now I'm wondering if I should have put the job thing as a top priority too. I really am. And I unfortunately can't find jobs where I live that support people with more of a writing bent. At least, not the sort near me, at least. So those are my barriers. *Sighs* No wonder I feel stuck. :/

[Heather]

Does your school have student housing?

[ladyrevan21]

Unfortunately, no. I spoke with my advisor and they don't have it.

[Karyn]

That's a bummer. Many schools have a resource similar to Craigslist though, where students can post if they have a room available in a share house or apartment - maybe yours has something like that?

It also wouldn't hurt to start looking for a part-time job in any field, just to get some financial independence. It's frustrating not finding jobs that use your skills, but I'd say most people in school who also work do a range of jobs, regardless of whether or not those jobs are related to what they eventually want to do as a career.

[ladyrevan21]

That's pretty neat! I'll have to check to see if they have something like that.

And yeah, that's true. I might have to scout out some part time jobs.

[Sam W]

Agreed with Karyn on the jobs front. Everyone I know, myself included, worked some jobs in school that were completely unrelated to our careers goals. So I'd say doing that is not going to be a strike against you in terms of pursuing your career.

Does the school have a student job center, or even a page on it's website that posts available student jobs?

[ladyrevan21]

That's a good question. I may have to see if there is a student job center or a related page.

[Sam W]

Best of luck!

[ladyrevan21]

Thanks! Checked my school's website, turns out they do have student jobs. Which is definitely a good start.

[Heather]

Just as an aside, in my experience - including my own life experience - the most typical way people start working is with part-time jobs that are available and that they can do. And more often than not, that initial job experience, like Sam mentioned, is not usually what people would consider "career-track." Instead, it's usually more about just paying the bills, and getting experience being employed in general.

As well, I would say that starting to work when you don't yet have any or much experience can often involve bundling a couple to a few part-time jobs, again, just whatever you can get, with maybe one of those being related to something you actually want to do.

As a personal example, when I was 19 and going to school, I had a work-study job answering phones, a job in a grocery co-op, and then one night a week, I taught arts classes to developmentally disabled people. That last job in the bunch was the only one that was really within my loves and interests.

[ladyrevan21]

That definitely makes sense. And that's really neat, by the way! Seriously. All three jobs, really.

I was actually thinking of working at a bookstore (outside campus). Maybe not at the cash register, but if there's any job available, I would honestly love to do it.

And on the memories front...well, I've got more. And it sounds implausible, but it's sort of like new elements are coming up that have made things more different than I remember them. (I know it makes no sense) And of course there's new stuff that just never seems to stop. Is this ever going to end?

[Sam W]

With the memories, what you're describing is something I've heard from many other survivors. That feeling of "okay, enough already." While I cant promise they will ever end, what I can say is that they tend to get less impactful as time goes on. They still pop up, but they don't throw you off the way they once did and it's a little easier to move past them. Does that make sense?

[ladyrevan21]

It does. And thank you so much. Really. :)That's definitely good to hear, it really is.

Right now, I'm mostly trying to take care of myself. And I'm trying to work on what I've got. I know I have a lot of low self-esteem, things like that. So working on that is a good start.

[ladyrevan21]

Bit of an update on moving out:

Haven't yet, not really, but my mom actually did suggest that if math class goes badly, she can transfer me to a different college altogether. (Mostly I'm trying to get through math so I can get my bachelor's. Which is difficult) I think math is the only thing keeping me here, as I'm just determined to get through this thing a bit too much. The college Mom's thinking of actually has a dorm that I can stay in. So...it could be interesting.

Honestly, either way it could help, considering the whole matter of independence and how it could work for me. Also, getting more memories. It sounds crazy, but I think one reason they're nagging at me is that I seem to be caught in a cycle of forgetting over and over again. Like I'm rerepressing. I have heard you can heal without remembering specifics, but...well, how? That's the question. I feel like a failure for it.

[Heather]

That sounds like a pretty exciting possibility to me! I'd personally encourage you to pursue it. Student housing (living in commune with a bunch of our peers, period) can be a really good experience in a whole lot of ways, and it also sounds like it'd be a really good thing for you. You would get to move out, but you'd also be living with a bunch of people in the learning process of living independently.

In terms of your other question, in a lot of ways, we don't actually need to remember the specifics of a trauma to process and heal from that trauma and learn what works for you to manage its impact. The things that cue our trauma -- what some people call triggers -- often give us a lot of information by themselves, as do our feelings. If it helps to have a personal example, the assault I suffered at 12 is something where I remember how it started, and I remember coming to after, but, most likely due to injury during that assault, I have no way to access any memory of what happened in between, because those memories obviously simply were't made (which is common even without injury with childhood trauma: it's a way our minds try and protect us and help us survive).

But that really hasn't been an impediment in the decades since with my healing. It's certainly frustrating sometimes, and the biggest challenge for me that created was getting through times when I doubted what happened to me did, something our culture makes worse already, but otherwise, I haven't found, myself, that it's a big barrier. Per the how, that really depends so much on the individual, what they have access to, and what works for them uniquely. For me, my how has been therapy, learning a lot of self-care and communication, creative work -- writing, visual art -- working with and for other survivors and creating a life for myself that's as free of any kind of abuse or history with abuse as possible. What your how will look like is going to be about what you can choose, do choose and find works for you.

[ladyrevan21]

Thank you so much, Heather. Really. That really gave me a lot of hope.

And yeah, I've been doing a lot of stuff on Philome.la just to make sure I'm taking care of myself -- I have executive function issues, so it's been helping me kind of keep everything working. (I know I can get so involved in certain things I forget even my most basic needs)

I've been getting more memories back. They're pretty horrifying, actually. I've been keeping a journal of the pieces I've got so I don't rerepress. I can't really hear anything well; a lot of them are actually more tactile than anything else. I'm also doing everything I can for the holidays to be good to myself; I have a feeling I'm going to need it.