Seeking out a relationship vs. letting it happen organically

[DarkLady]

Okay often when I talk about finding a boyfriend or girlfriend people will often give me this piece of advice 'don't go looking for a relationship, it happens when you're not expecting it, it's an organic process' usually this is the idea or else it is some variation of it. This is usually followed by something like it's a bad idea to force a relationship.

Okay basically I take issue with this type of advice for a few different reasons. Firstly just letting things fall into your hands is usually not how they work in my opinion-you want a job start writing your cv and applying to job adverts, you want to meet new people, make some new friends go to that book club you've also wanted to go to. So if you want someone special in your life shouldn't you go looking for that? Of course there are bad reasons to be looking for a relationship such as being with someone for the sake of being in a relationship, loneliness etc.

To me the only reason why you should be in a romantic relationship is because you and another person have experienced a connection (you have things in common, can talk about just about anything, are attracted to each other etc). I don't see how you can force something like that of course there are elements of compatibility and chemistry you need for that there may be there or not but once those things are there I don't see how your forcing things.

Anyway I was just wondering what folks on here thought. Do you think this advice is accurate or misguided? Thoughts?

[Heather]

I think that an either/or is being set up here that doesn't have to be one, and really isn't one.

My own experience is that you have to actively pursue what you want -- I mean, somebody always does, or else no one would get into relationships, and one person being passive and the other active isn't a great set-up for the good stuff -- while just still living your life, rather than making finding a relationship into your biggest thing or some kind of major mission. That combo is about both the things you're asking about, really, not one or the other. See what I mean?

But for sure, the idea that relationships "happen," rather than being something people, in cooperation, actively create, cultivate and "do," is something I have a problem with, too, because it's just false. Relationships can't happen by themselves: they can only happen when people make them. "Chemistry" also doesn't make a relationship happen: having feelings of attraction of some kind doesn't, by itself, do anything. It's what we and others do with those feelings -- again, actively -- that can create an interaction or an ongoing relationship.

[DarkLady]

Hi Heather

I understand what as you're saying is that if you want a relationship you do have to look for one but you shouldn't let it be your whole life to the detriment of other things-it's about balance between the two. Am I getting that right?

What I meant by chemistry was that there is romantic and/or sexual attraction between the two people and that helps if they are going to pursue a relationship not that that in itself creates a relationship out of thin air. They both still need to pursue the relationship. Actions not feelings gets things done. I agree more with you that relationships are actively created and don't just ''happen''.

[Heather]

Yep, it appears we are of the same mind on all this.

[DarkLady]

Thank you, next time someone tells me to just wait until it 'happens' I will tell them it doesn't work like that. To be fair this advice is usually offered with good intentions but that doesn't change the idea being wrong

[Kaizen]

I think the sense in which it "just happens" is... that when you connect with someone, you do actively pursue the relationship, but usually (barring one of you having a lot on your plate at the time, whether that's emotionally, life events, work to do, etc.) it doesn't take a huge amount of effort or stress. You both make your interest apparent, you have things to talk about, you both initiate conversations and are interested in making plans together, nobody feels the need to do or change things to get the other to like them. It feels pretty smooth and organic.

I'd say "forcing it" would be the opposite: because someone, like you mentioned, is trying to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship, or they want to be in a relationship so much they're ignoring the other person's signals/words about their feelings, they keep trying to start conversations that don't go anywhere, try to make plans that the other person doesn't want to do, go out of their way to show off or change for the other person, etc.
Or, earlier in the process, "forcing it" would be seeing every 22-25 year old guy (in my case) I meet as A Potential Boyfriend, Engage Flirting Now, instead of actually seeing whether we connect first.

[DarkLady]

Hi Kaizen

I can see what you're getting at but in the first situation you're still making it happen by having conversations and making plans etc-I suppose my main problem with saying it ''just happens'' is that it implies to me that you are receptive and passive in that process rather then an active participant. Experiencing a connection with someone is really the only part that just happens(you can't control when that will happen it's based on factors outside your control like compatibility with that person etc) but even if you have those feelings it is actions that will make it become something more meaningful then just a connection that may in the end just be a fleeting connection.

As for the second part I agree with you there. I've seen people in relationships for all those situations and it isn't healthy. As is adopting the idea that just any guy will do for a boyfriend-plenty of guys won't be right for you. I can see what you are getting at-a genuine connection with your partner is more important and healthier.