Inability to climax is taking a toll on my relationship

[junojagger]

Hi!I'm 18 year old girl and I've been with my boyfriend for an year. I lost my virginty with him and we've had a lot of problems (cheating...) that we had to overcome together and our relationship is maturing and blossoming beautifully- except for the fact that I can't seem to reach orgasm.
This has bothered me for a long time- even before I met him because I can't climax alone as well. He has communicated to me this concern several times and we've talked about our sex life a lot and about my troubles and his troubles... but lately it seems to be getting to him a lot, and he's been getting more and more upset.
When I first started "exploring" my body, I noticed I had some difficulty getting aroused, it almost never happened. But I guess it was a matter of time, because now I don't seem to have an issue with it anymore.
I wonder if it's the same issue with the climax situation...
Sex has always been some sort of taboo with me and I guess I'm not completely comfortable with it.
It just is very frustrating, either masturbating with no result or seeing his disappointed face when we do it.
I know I should focus on the process and not the end result, but even when I do so, I can't seem to go all the way- even if it feels really good.
I told him it feels as if I'm scared to climax sometimes!
I think I have experienced orgasms while sleeping- I often wake up breathless and with intense blood flow to the genital area (what are the "symptoms" of an orgasm in the female body?)
I've been thinking of seeing a psychoanalyst for this issue, but I'd like first to learn something from you guys, which have helped me a lot in the past..
Looking forward to an answer!!

[Danny S.]

Hi there, welcome back to the boards!
First of all, it sounds like you're feeling pretty great about your relationship with your boyfriend- that's awesome! And I understand that you're feeling frustrated about not being able to orgasm, but it shouldn't be the one thing keeping you two from having a good relationship. To clarify, are you only talking about intercourse or have you two tried different kinds of sex (i.e. oral, manual) with the same result?
I read through your old topics, and it's great that you seem to have figured those things out! I'm guessing that this situation is similar to your old issue with getting aroused, that it might just be a matter of being patient with yourself and relieving some of the pressure. I know it can be hard to believe that orgasm isn't always the end goal of sex, even if you know realistically that's not true, but taking a step back and just letting yourself feel pleasure without trying to accomplish anything could be a game changer. It seems that your boyfriend also plays a role in this- it's upsetting to him when you don't orgasm, which could be affecting how you experience sex. I know our staff has sent you this article before, but it might be helpful to read it again as a refresher: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. Talk to him! You said that he communicated a concern to you- can you be a bit more specific? What is he concerned about? I think that both of you focusing on enjoying yourselves and talking to one another about what feels good rather than focusing on orgasm would be helpful.
You asked about the "symptoms" of orgasm- that's tricky to say, because it's different for everyone. There's no way for us to tell you whether or not you had an orgasm. That's something you have to figure out for yourself, because you know your body better than anyone else. These two articles might help you out with that:
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

[junojagger]

Hi Danny! And thanks for your response.
To answer your first question, yes, we have tried different kinds of sex, and I think the one that I find most enjoyble is manual, but again, no climax...
We have been discussing this topic the entire day! In his words, he said that things get lost along the way, mainly his randiness, and it gets boring, because it looks like he's just having sex with me- it turns out futile and a turn-off. That he wishes that we could both cum so he feels as if he has like "contributed" as well. He also said that it's his desire that I feel pleasure when we do it (which I said to him that I do), and it's important to him that he's satisfying me.
I told him that even though I do want to orgasm, I feel the process is equaly important, that we shouldn't have sex just to cum. To this he responded that he truly loves the "process" but he does get annoyed when he sees that he was the only one that "finished" the process.
And then I told him that I do get a little shy in bed, a little bit afraid that I'll do something weird that ruins the mood (although I always give "feedback", I get a little shy in trying new stuff or being on top- just being more spontaneous), and he said there's no need to because he loves me like I am and he likes when I do stuff...
We kind of concluded with saying that we'll help each other overcome these difficulties, and he said that he wishes I would speak more of this with him.
I guess it's a good first step!
But I also said at some point that sometimes I feel like I'm scared to orgasm, and I don't know why. To this he responded that it's a downer (also in the subliminal sense) to have sex with someone who's scared to cum (ouch!).
I guess I just get a little performance-oriented that I forget to enjoy it.
Anyway, about the articles, I have re-read the first two, and will surely read the last one!
I hope this widens the view of our discussion, haha.
until your next reply!

[Heather]

Bouncing off your conversation with him, I see one obvious and clear next step.

What he said is that, because of this, it feels as if he's having sex with me just to satisfy his needs, that he wishes that we could both cum so he feels as if he has like "contributed" as well. He also said that it's his desire that I feel pleasure when we do it (which I said to him that I do), and it's important to him that he's satisfying me.

So, the next place to take that discussion is to tell him that orgasm doesn't actually SAY or demonstrate that someone having one is being or has been pleased, nor that the other person has or hasn't contributed. After all, people being sexually assaulted, who are very much not enjoying themselves, orgasm sometimes during their assaults. Orgasm is an involuntary physiological response to stimulus, that is truly all it is.

On the other hand, the way he CAN accurately know if you feel satisfied is if you tell him if you do or don't, and how you do or don't. The best way he can know you feel you were an active part of the sex you're having is that you tell him you are. And if there's any way in which you do NOT feel like you are, or it IS all about him (tbh, it's sounding a bit to me like he's kind of being that way about your orgasm or lack thereof), then you tell him about that. You can also talk about the ways you do express yourself during sex together, and make a point -- more for yourself than anyone else -- of working to be more communicative during sexual activity and less shy; to asking for more of what you want.

One last thing you can add is that orgasm doesn't mean someone is finished. People can have more than one orgasm (and since this is more common with women, it's extra problematic to assume orgasm means women are finished with sex), and people can orgasm without feeling finished with sex or satisfied. One of the biggest recent surveys/studies done on sexual satisfaction, by the Kinsey Institute, showed that orgasm is rarely at the top of the list for what makes people feel satisfied by sex. Things like general affection, communication and creativity actually were higher up. Your partner may find that HE feels orgasm is what finishes sex for him, or what makes him feel satisfied, but he shouldn't assume that is the case for you or any other partner he may have. He and his partners are not the same people!

If you think he'd be open to reading some materials on the facts of orgasm and its relationship (and sometimes lack of one) to sexual satisfaction, let me know, and I'll grab some links for you.

[Heather]

Oh: I forgot to add that a lot of people feel very vulnerable during or around orgasm, so it is actually not uncommon for people to, as you express you do, feel scared to experience it with partners sometimes.

What I'd just look at for yourself around that, especially paired with the shyness, is if you feel really safe yet -- including emotionally -- being sexual with this partner, or with any partner, for that matter. After all, there are going to be at least some people or times of life where you don't, for any number of reasons. And usually there's something to that, and it's usually bigger than someone else's mere bummer.

[junojagger]

Hi Heather!
I do say during sex what feels good or what doesn't feel good, or when I want to go down on him or him go down on me, or switch positions- anyway, basic sex communication.
I told him that I think I feel shy because I don't have much of a feedback from him.
And, for exemple, when I- a person with 0 physical aptitude- go cowgirl on him, my legs get very tired and I usually can't do this for a long time. So, we always kind of laugh, but sometimes I really want to do it seriously, for pleasure, he either tries to help me, holding my waist, or bets on how many seconds I can do it before my legs hurt (jokingly). So I told him that this doesn't help me feel sexy or make me want to do more stuff. So we agreed to not do this anymore.
On a personal note, I feel that I have masturbated way less than I should have before I engaged in sex with a partner. I also don't masturbate frequently, I don't seem to concentrate as much as necessairy and it doesn't do much for me usually.
During sex, I try very hard to abstract the surroundings and focus of the feeling- I guess this why he thinks I'm not contributing very much.
But I have taken your advice to account and will continue discussing this!!
P.s. Please send the articles!

[Onionpie]

Hey junojagger, I hope you're alright with me adding my two cents in here! It's awesome that you guys feel comfortable enough with each other to communicate, and it sounds like you're pretty great at communicating. So you told him that it may help you if you get more feedback from him -- did you go into that some more, like talk about what sort of feedback you're looking for and feel like you aren't getting? How did he respond to your request?

In terms of not being able to concentrate during masturbation or sex -- have you explored different fantasies that interest you? It's also good to explore different media of fantasy if that's something that interests you (erotic stories, photographs, pornography, etc) as you may find it helps you feel more aroused and also give you something to concentrate on. Also, before you engage in sex or masturbation, are you feeling turned on at all? Like, are you taking part in it because you're aroused, or are you starting off hoping that you will become aroused during?

I'm also wondering what your body image and general self esteem are like. In your last post it seems like you may be judging yourself fairly harshly, would you say that's accurate? Everybody has different capabilities and different positions work for different people. So if the cowgirl position isn't working for you, that's not a reflection on you, that's simply a position that doesn't work for extended periods of time for you. Everyone has that for one reason or another. But also, self esteem and body image can play a part in our ability to become aroused as well, so I'd like to get a sense of how you're feeling about yourself and your body in case that is a factor here.

[junojagger]

Hi Onionpie!
I do watch pornography and you're right, it helps with concentration. I usually start masturbating when I feel aroused; though sometimes I'm "horny" but not exactly aroused so I use masturbation as a way to turn myself on, but since that hasn't worked so much in my favour, I tend to avoid it...
When I said that he should give me more feedback he seemed to understand and I'm confident he'll work on it
Actually, today I used a vibrator and was able to climax on my own (for the first time)!
About my body and body image, I am pretty satisfied with it! I never had much problem with confidence, and tend to exagerate a little, actually .
I guess I feel shy during sex because I'm still pretty new to it, sometimes I feel a bit lost, hehe!
Hope this gives you more insight!

[Mo]

I'm glad you were able to reach climax on your own, that's great. Sometimes it just takes a while to experiment and figure out what works/feels best, and often you can incorporate what you learn during solo sex into sex with a partner as well. Plenty of people enjoy using vibrators with a partner so as you get more practice with that, it might be something to think about. It sounds like you and your partner are working on feedback and communication during sex and I think that'll be helpful as well!