Plan b questions

[lucli]

I wonder if you could help me out please. Im supposed to have my period tomorrow or the next day (i'm regular 27-30 days aprox). I had sex last night, there was no ejaculation because it was hurtful and we had to stop, but there was precum (possibly with sperm because in the morning I gave. Him a blowjob and he haft peed since)
Then we realized (with the water proof) that the condom was broken (it had a slice, but it wasn't completely broke, I wonder if that happens because of the proof and not because of the sex).
I just bought a similar drug like Plan B, but don't want to take it if it's not necessary, I'm scared of side effects. I read it can delay your peroid and that freaks me out. I also read it holds the egg so it can't be fertilized... but I guess i don't have an egg because I'm due tomorrow.. I'm confused. Doesn't the egg live just like 1 day in the middle of my cycle? I'm at the end.
I just don't know if it is necessary. I'm confused.

[Heather]

Ultimately, whether to use emergency contraception or not is going to come down to what you want to do, and mostly if you think you will feel better with more protection from pregnancy with this rather than less.

Pregnancy, too, has side effects, and a LOT more for a lot longer than any form of EC. . But indeed, even though your condom broke, you did also use withdrawal, while not everyone has the same fertility cycles, this would, on average, be a time when you becoming pregnant would be very unlikely.

But I personally would just focus on what level of protection you want here (if you want the best you can get at this point, then using EC now would be the way to go), and what you think will leave you feeling better emotionally, as well.

[lucli]

Thanks heather, your really nice. I absolutely admire you for the work you do and the help you bring with this site, it's a big deal.

At times I feel ashamed because I'm no teenager and I don't have a sex life.. this is the third time I've had sex and every time I ask him to pull out before he comes. I should handle sex better and be more mature about it and realize real risks and so on. I just can't.

I do think that plan B would be a good idea to just make sure there won't be a pregnancy. But considering the time in the cycle, i thought it wouldn't be necessary. Truth be told I don't feel comfortable at all consuming that kind of drug..I think it does affect me emotionally. And then I get upset because I also don't want a baby. So I don't know what to do, it's too much pressure. I know I should do what I want.. and what I want is to not have had sex yesterday (obviously I can't take that back)

Also I can't help but wonder if the condom broke during sex or with the water proof (that would help a lot!) I tried to take a look at the condom before he took it of to make sure it was ok, an it didn't seem broken.. but who knows, right?

I feel like such a failure.. to myself (for not being mature and careful), my family (it's so ungrateful to end up pregnant), and my boyfriend (who has to put up with all of this and remains calm)

We've been together for almost two years.. and had sex only three times.. last night I thought it would be safe because my period is coming soon. Now I don't know what to think, or do.

I had a panic attack, could barely breathe.. so much pressure.


If I did ovulate when I was supposed to ( about two weeks ago) the egg is "dead" (it lived for a day or to and then died) Or is it dying until my period (its still available for fecundation) I'm confused.


I'm sorry I can't make up my mind and make. Adesicion. And time is ticking.

[Karyn]

It's understandable that you're having a tough time making this decision: it sounds like there's a lot on your mind, but unfortunately you are the only one who can decide what to do. There's no need to apologise to anyone here; our job is to help you figure out what might be best for you, whatever decision you end up making. It does sound like you have a lot of concerns about becoming pregnant, though, and any discomfort you'd feel from Plan B is going to be a lot more temporary and likely easier to deal with than that anxiety about pregnancy (or pregnancy itself), so that's something to keep in mind when you're thinking about all this.

If you want, when you've managed to decide about Plan B and you're feeling a bit more calm, we can talk about some of the things that you have mentioned here. (For instance, it sounds like you're not happy with the sexual choices that you've been making, so we could discuss ways to make choices that you are more likely to be comfortable with in the future.)

To answer your question about the egg that's released during ovulation, yes, it would have died after about a day and been reabsorbed by your body. The second section of this piece is a good overview of what happens during the menstrual cycle: Get With the Flow: All About FAM

[lucli]

Thanks heather. I should make my deaicion today (it'll be 48 hours after the risk) I'm still anxious about it. We don't have Plan B (that exact brand) where I'm from, but there's this made in Spain brand with two doses and it's made with levonorgestrel. Mmmm I hope that's ok?
Anyway I'm still worried because I'm almost pretty sure I had no egg.. it was the 27th day, but I read that even if your regular (and I think I am, average I get my period in the 28th, few times 26 at least, and a couple more at 30 at most) even if your regular you can ovulate like a day before your period? Is that true heather ?

[Sam W]

Hi lucli,

If the pill is marketed as emergency contraception, then it should produce the same effect. As Heather said in their first answer, if you want to increase your level of protection, taking emergency contraception sooner rather than later is your best bet.

I think this piece may help with some of your ovulation worries: Let's Dial Down Some (Maybe) Ovulation Freakouts

[lucli]

Thank you sooooo much Sam and heather! I decided to take the pill, this morning. But I'm spotting so I guess that's it. I would loooove to talk about the other issues you mentioned Heather, like how to ale better sexual choices because you're sooo right! I'm not ok with the ones I've made, and I feel a bit lost in the field.

[Karyn]

We can definitely talk about those things, and based on your post above it sounds like you're feeling conflicted and under some pressure to make certain choices. To start though, maybe you could walk me through your decision-making process this last time you had sex? How did you arrive at the decision that having sex was something you wanted to do?

[lucli]

I read your question a couple hours ago.. I couldn't answer back then. Not because I didn't know the answer but because I'm scared of some of the reasons why I did it.

Well, mainly it was because we had time to do it.. we almost never get to be alone and intimate. We do go on dates and stuff but, you can't have sex in public places, you know ?

Second because I knew my period was coming and I thought it would be "safe " to have sex (even with a condom, just to slim down the risk in case the was one ... )

Third because we've only done it 3 times, and all those times it was terrible for me... well maybe, the time before this one it was the best but it still hurt.. and I just don't enjoy it. And I want to enjoy it, and make a stronger bond if there's such thing. And that is very frustrating for me.. because I'm turned on and I really enjoy oral and manual and that kind of stuff.. but vaginal sex? Not at all. Even if we try different positions.. I never had sex before this guy.. could that have something to do?

Fourth, I feel so much pressure from my family to not have sex or to not end up pregnant, and other things like be as good and perfect as possible (which I'm mostly ok with ) I want to live my life and do what I want to do for me. And enjoy it and not have to tell or give explanations.
I'm old (mid twenties, ok am not old old but I should be more independent) and I want to live for me.

Fifth I have pressure, because I compare myself with his ex (he only had sex with two girls before me, one night stand and his ex, who started being a friend with benefits and then became a couple..) I have issues with the friends with benefits thing. It make me cringe. Anyway I compare and this is the reason that scares me the most because I know it's wrong. He never brings her up, but I do ( and it has caused problems in the relationship) I don't want to admit being a jealous person with low self esteem. I even compare myself to his coworkers, asking him if they are prettier than me.. which is weird and wrong. And I don't like the feeling I get from it. He's always sweet about it but I know he must be tired of it. And he never brings them up, I do. And I'm scared because people say that when you have a hunch it's usually true.. I do think he loves me I don't know why I act this way. I hate it it makes me very uncomfortable.

Which brings us to daddy issues ?? My parents are divorced, they separated when I was 3 and I never saw him again. He didn't even pay for food, nothing. Actually he left with money.. but I guess that's for the better. What I recently learned (three years ago) is that they didn't only divorce.. he left. He left us, he ran away and like a half year latter he came back for money and that's when they divorced.

I tried to see a therapist but I don't want to do it with my mom knowing I really think she'd be hurt. So I went to a free service in my former university.. but it didn't work out. I think that if I'm crazy or have unsolved issues I can do it (not by myself because I like talking to you and getting help this way, if it's possible, but yeah a bit me with me).

[Mo]

Thanks for taking the time to really think about this and write it all out. It sounds like it was a tough process for you, but it's really helpful for us to see it and hopefully it was a helpful process for you as well.

I think this article might be helpful: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist Having a list of questions to ask yourself before having sex (of any kind, not just intercourse) can be a good way to slow down and really assess the situation.

If you decide you just don't want to have intercourse right now, that's ok! I do want to address the fact that you're finding it uncomfortable and not really enjoyable: there are a lot of women who either don't particularly enjoy intercourse or feel neutral about it. There are some things you can do to increase the likelihood that you will enjoy it, but if it turns out that it's just not your thing, that's ok. Intercourse isn't "real" sex, or the "best" kind of sex, and it's not a requirement for a happy sexual relationship. Here are some articles for more on that: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Yield for Pleasure

In terms of your worries around your boyfriend and other women in his life, that sounds really stressful and upsetting for you. If you're able to take some steps to work on building up your self-esteem, it sounds like that could be really positive for you and your boyfriend, since it sounds like this is a situation that's hard on you both.
That is something that a good therapist could offer a lot of help for, but it sounds like there's a conflict there with your mom. Do you have a sense of why she would be hurt if she found out you had seen a therapist? Does she have a negative reaction to people getting mental healthcare? I think taking active steps to get some help is a great idea - and ties into what you mention above about wanting to be more independent and living your life for yourself - so if that's something you want to brainstorm about more, we can definitely try to help with that.

[lucli]

I just read the articles that you sent me and I apreciate it a lot.
The first article helped me, the second I don't know.. (I'll read it again, maybe sex isn't as painful as it is uncomfortable to me, i think it should be enjoyable )
Yeah, with me mom she is a bit jumpy. She would take it as if I wasn't grateful for all she has done for me. Like I'm not happy and she has done all that she can to make me happy and healthy and so on. And seeing a therapist would be like throwing away all that (for her).
I feel like I have to be super careful with what I do and say to her, or in front of her.

[Carmen]

Hi lucli,

I'm glad that first article was useful for you. In seeking out a therapist, do you think you would prefer to figure out a way to approach the subject with your mom (i.e. trying to explain to her that seeing a therapist doesn't mean someone is not happy, is unhealthy, is not grateful, etc. but that it is actually a super healthy and helpful thing to do!), or would you rather take steps towards seeing a therapist without her knowing (which, as Mo said, could tie into the desire you expressed to be more independent). Either way, or if you have some other ideas, what do you think you want your steps to be?

[lucli]

Thanks actually i would love to figure it out without a therapist. Like to see the light and say to myself "chill, everything's ok, your not crazy" and just love my life without pressure and "what ifs".
I just don't know why I'm insecure with some things and why I let them rule my life, and how can I just put that aside and live more lightly. I also have problems to keep my cool sometimes, I start to have panick attacks. I need to control myself, I cry easily (just with my boyfriend though)
I don't know if I'm exaggerating, or if everyone goes through things like this, and I'm making a storm in a little glass of water. I just want to feel normal and not like a drama queen

[Carmen]

Are there strategies or self-care mechanisms you have found that work for you? In regards to reminding to reaffirm yourself, give yourself love, and reflect - I think journaling is always an amazing option. Just sitting down and spending even just ten minutes a day writing - whether about your day, feelings, or a note to yourself - it can be super helpful and restorative. Somethings when I do it I come to term with things going on in my head that I never would have identified or processed otherwise.

I also want to add that many of the things you described you want to do are exactly what a therapist is there to help you do - if that is a pathway you might still be willing to explore

[lucli]

Thank you
I would love to keep talking to you guys (maybe I just need someone to have conversations with)
But I guess we don't have much more to talk about.
I'll try to dial down my insecurities towards abandonment (still working how to)
And as for sex, I'll reread the articles you gave me so I can start to enjoy it (still a bit worried why it's si uncomfortable and not wow at all )

[Karyn]

You can keep talking here as long as you like, and we're happy to help in the ways that we can. The reason (I think) that Carmen has mentioned seeking out therapy a couple of times now is that many of the things you've brought up wanting to work on are issues that a therapist is really the best help for. Dealing with panic attacks, changing thought patterns, and managing insecurity are all things that often require a lot of gradual work with someone qualified in mental healthcare, which we are not.

As for why sex might be uncomfortable, it's entirely possible that all of the pressure you're feeling around deciding whether or not to have sex could be a part of it. Our emotional state can have a big impact on arousal, and if you're not feeling totally comfortable with sex mentally or emotionally, then that can have an effect physically. (It could also be, as Mo suggested, that intercourse specifically just isn't your cup of tea, but even if that's the case it shouldn't be painful or uncomfortable at all.)

[lucli]

Thank you I really feel your support guys!! Your really nice to take your time and help me.

I agree, I also think I might not be able to enjoy sex due to the stress I give myself. The article you suggested above, said I might have a infection (but that's no my case), so y guess I need to unstress myself. My boyfriend says I need to learn to handle it and be mature about it because even if we're married I might be stressed about sex(wondering if it's the right time to have kids, or if we have enough money to raise them and so on) I'm afraid he might be right.


I still don't feel very comfortable with the idea of visiting a therapist.. although I know it must be for the best. I just need time to be brave and find a way to go to one.

Writing to you has helped me a lot this last week I've been more calm and I have something that makes me feel safe and it's also something I look foward (talking to you )

I don't know if it's silly but sex (or something related to that) might have helped me shed some light over my whole life. Finding myself, my worries and limits.

I also wish I could give my boyfriend a "lighter" relationship.. where we don't have to think to much and just enjoy. Its difficult for me because i always try to look forward, thinking about how my desicions might affect my future. Specially about sex(babies, or how it affect our love or interaction)

I also can't help but wonder why is sex such a big deal for me. I do think it might be a bit overrated ( in part because I don't fisically enjoy it.. and on the other hand because I love him a lot even though we don't have regular sex) but either way I think we need it.. is that silly?

Sometimes I think life (mine) would be easier with sex out of the equation. And other times I don't want to leave it out (I want to experience it and see what it's all about, i don't want Ron miss out on life )

[lucli]

Just to clear 100% my mind. I had my period so I'm not pregnant right ?

[Karyn]

Hi lucli, sorry it's taken me a few days to pick up with you here again. I saw that your questions about plan B and your period were answered in the other topic you started, but if you want I can offer a few thoughts on the other things you've said here about sex. (Or really, intercourse specifically, since you've stated that you enjoy oral and manual sex, which are kinds of sex too.)

[lucli]

Yes please I'm very very thankful for every insight and help anything I can learn I really really apreciate it

[lucli]

I'll just wait till Friday to take the pregnancy test (I guess it's it should be negative) it's just been very hard for me to accept that the condom might have broken and that there is a real risk.
I'm very upset. It's Valentine's Day and I can't enjoy it.. next week I'm planning a birthday party and I can't enjoy it either because my mind can't stop thinking about the what ifs.

[lucli]

Sorry for aommany messages it's just that ideas keep popping in my mind. I guess I'm mainly worried because even though I got my period.. I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do that sex took place just 2 days before my period.. I don't know if the risk increases because it so near to the period or if it affects the chances of pregnancy related to the next ovulation

[Karyn]

Again, the questions here about pregnancy tests have already been answered in your other thread, so I'm not going to repeat that information here. These resources on anxiety might be helpful for you, however:
Anxiety Lies
Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

As for some of the other things you've brought up, basically what I'm hearing is a lot of ideas about what you feel is expected of you in a relationship as far as sex goes, and what you feel you should want and be doing. What I'm not hearing though is what you want, your unique self, without bringing in any of those outside influences about what kinds of sex you should have. If you were to think about your ideal sexual relationship, what would it look like? Is sex - any kind of sex, not just intercourse - something you really want and enjoy right now, or is it something that adds more worry than enjoyment to your life?

Related to that, I wanted to mention that no one needs sex, of any kind, and it isn't a requirement in any sort of relationship. To boot, there's no one way to have a relationship! Choosing not to do certain things because you don't like them or they stress you out isn't missing out on anything, just like someone who doesn't like chocolate isn't missing out because they've decided not to eat it anymore even though a lot of other people think it's delicious. On top of that, it's concerning that your boyfriend says that you need to learn to handle sex: he's really just flat-out wrong on that point. In a healthy relationship, no one should ever feel that they have to do anything they're not comfortable with. Again, there's no one right way to do relationships; you get to have whatever limits and boundaries you need to feel comfortable and your partner needs to respect that.

We have several pieces on the main site that I think could be useful for you in thinking about all of this. (No rush, though, and you certainly don't need to read them all before posting again!) In no particular order:
What's Sex?
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
Don't Want To Have Sex?
Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots
How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

[lucli]

I would like to have a healthy normal relationship with all sorts of sex.. but the truth is today any kind of sez makes me worry a lot. So I would much rather have no kind of sex at the moment. I would love to have sex and not worry about it. Thanks for your time and help, I'll read the posts

[Karyn]

Honestly, there's really no one 'normal' way of having a relationship: what matters is that you're doing what you feel comfortable with and what you enjoy. So it sounds like for now maybe it's a good idea to talk to your boyfriend about taking a break from any kind of sex?