When marriage topic comes up

[naturalway505]

Hi! I got into a discussion with my girlfriend, and I could really use some opinions. We're together for a year and a half, and suddenly her parents were talking about marriage and stuff. And then we started discussing about it. I told her I think it's wise to live together a while before getting married, but she thinks the other way, that you need to get married to live together. That when you're dating, is the time to get to know each other better. I was a little confused because in my mind I always associated marriage with getting on a boring routine, children, etc. And that's why my first action when the subject came up was a little "uuuh, well". But the real problem is, she got a little sad that I told her I think it's wise to live together before getting married. Maybe she felt I wasn't sure about my love for her, and she is a little upset about it. I told her it has nothing to do with her, and that she can trust me. And that's true. But since we are each others first, everything is new, and I don't really know how to react. =( Well, it wasn't a question itself the post, but I think I just wanted to vent a little

[Mo]

People can have really different views about what they feel is important to do or explore before marriage, and what feels important to wait until after marriage for. The fact that you have a different feeling about when it's right to live together doesn't mean either of you is wrong, but it does sound like it might be helpful to come at this issue again and be really clear about why you feel the way you do.
It sounds like you aren't quite sure why your girlfriend was sad that you wanted to live together before marriage, but that's something you could ask her about. And you could talk a bit about why specifically living together beforehand sounds good to you. This conversation is actually a great practice for being married - whenever that might happen for either of you - because a large part of marriage is learning how to take things that two people may feel differently about and come up with a solution or compromise that works for both of them.

I'm wondering - before the topic of marriage came up, was it something you were seriously thinking about for this relationship? Does it feel like you are now kind of locked into assuming it'll happen between the two of you, before you were really ready to commit to that? Or does it feel ok to be talking about it so much right now?

[naturalway505]

Thank you for your answer. I changed my mind later, and concluded that a relationship before marriage is there to get to know each other. But when I mentioned we should live together before getting married, she felt that I meant: "Well, if I get to know you better and I don't like it, it's much easier to leave it.". But that was the last thing I thought. I didn't think before saying that. She thinks now that I don't really love her. I'm trying with all my forces to tell her she got it all wrong. My heart is into pieces, and I bet so is hers. Maybe it is best to give it some time. It's even harder cause we live in different cities, and I see her like three weekends a month. About your questions, I've always told her I wanted to marry her. I don't mind talking about it. My biggest fear is that she changes the way she is with me when we get married. They all say people change when they get married. And that's what keeps me thinking about it, even though I love her from the bottom of my heart. =( Thanks for your time, for real.

[Karyn]

It's hard to deal with miscommunications in a long-distance relationship, and it sounds like this is really worrying you. Have you thought about telling her what you've just said here, explaining where your concerns are coming from?

[Mo]

I want to speak a bit to the idea of people changing after they get married. I'm wondering where exactly you've heard that? It's something I've heard before too, but I don't think that's necessarily going to be the case; it's definitely not something that's guaranteed to happen.

It sounds like part of why you are interested in living together before getting married is that living together is a way for people to get to know each other better, not just in their "best" moments as you might see on a date, but in more everyday situations. It give people more chances to see where there values or interests align and where they don't, how they feel about housekeeping and the division of tasks and chores, and more chances for conflict and for building conflict-resolution skills. Living together isn't the only way people can learn these things about a partner, but it is definitely a common way people do that.

I suspect that sometimes, when people talk about partners "changing" after marriage, what they're really talking about is the process of learning things about partners they didn't know before, or of not really knowing how to resolve major conflict if and when it comes up, and feeling overwhelmed or stressed by that. (There are times when abusive people escalate abuse only after a marriage, when it's harder for a partner to leave, but that's a bit of a different situation than what you're talking about, I think!)

[naturalway505]

It's hard to deal with miscommunications in a long-distance relationship, and it sounds like this is really worrying you. Have you thought about telling her what you've just said here, explaining where your concerns are coming from?

Hi Karyn! You're right, it's just heart-breaking to not be able to say what you want looking eye to eye. When I said what I said, I instantly realized the other interpretation she could get. And I've spent the last hours trying to explain to her, that wasn't what I meant. And she was hurt by that, thinking that I want to know her better to see if she's worth or not. I don't really care, she means the world to me. I think I said that because my head was confused by a lot of things. But the problem now is, I tried to explain myself the best I could, and she asked for some time. My biggest fear is that she will keep that thought in mind from now on, the thought that I'm not sure about my feelings about her. She told me that she wouldn't make a big deal of this if she wasn't on her pms. What do you think? =( Thanks for helping btw. I really appreciate it.

[naturalway505]

I want to speak a bit to the idea of people changing after they get married. I'm wondering where exactly you've heard that? It's something I've heard before too, but I don't think that's necessarily going to be the case; it's definitely not something that's guaranteed to happen.

I don't know. I think some people hold themselves before marriage, and it's a psychological thing to hide what isn't attractive to the other person. When I said that about living together before marriage, I felt I was saying something society told me to do, and forgot that I was talking to the person I'd give away my pride just to see her happy, and count dimes to buy the bus ticket to see her once in a while. So I don't really care about what's gonna happen after marriage or before, I love her, and that's what matters. I realized I made a mistake. And what I'm struggling is to tell her I don't feel the way she thinks. I tried, but I don't wanna spam her, since she needs some time. =(

[Mo]

Maybe you can just let her know something like "it sounds like you need some time/space and I will give that to you, but when you feel up for it, can we revisit this conversation? I don't think I explained my feelings very well before." That way you're respecting her need for some time but letting her know there's more to the issue and that you want to try and explain things a bit better.