Heteronormativity?

[thewrit3r]

I don't know if it's just heteronormativity or not, but again and again I see portrayals in the media expecting someone to be sexually attracted to EVERYONE of the opposite sex. A woman is attracted to every "attractive" man and vice versa (I say "attractive" because it's relative). It doesn't even matter if they know them that well; if they're attractive they'll try to get with them simply because of that! And it's even worse with females; I've read too many books where they fawn over boys who treat them like crap or who they don't really know just because he's "hot". I'm attracted to males but that doesn't mean I'm attracted to every guy I see! It's a ridiculous notion but at the same time feel like I should find "attractive" people attractive? I just remember hearing about celebrity men who people would say we're so hot and I didn't find them attractive but I felt like I should've and to some extent I still do. Has anyone else felt this way?

[Sam W]

I totally get where you're coming from. I'm not sure it's so much a function of heteronormativity as it is a cultural tendency to assume there's one, specific set of traits that are the hottest and that physical attraction is the driving force of how people choose who to date and who to sleep with. Of course, real relationships and attraction are way more fluid and variable (I've a sneaking suspicion part of this phenomenon is due to people wanting to sell you things to make you look hot, on the assumption that once you look a certain way everyone will want to sleep with you).

[thewrit3r]

I'm sure it wouldn't bother me as much if I didn't feel the "need" to be attracted to those types of people. My brother once said I was "picky" about who I found attractive even though I'm realizing that you can't help who you're attracted to! I'm sure once I get more comfortable with it I won't be as easily swayed by people selling what's "hot" since it's so subjective

[Alice O]

i resonate a lot with what you're saying thewrit3r! as it sounds like you already know, it's not possible for you to be sexually/romantically attracted to "too few" people. how often we feel that type of interest and/or connection varies from person to person! also, it often varies throughout one's lifetime, just like other aspects of sexuality. for these reasons, i have always disliked when people used "picky" to describe someone's dating interests.

[Kristy]

I don't know how old you are, the writ3r, but I remember catching flack in high school for not finding someone hot that EVERYONE ELSE thought was hot. Furthermore, there were celebrities I found attractive that no one else did, and I thought there was something 'broken' in my attraction-meter. Once I got to college though, I stopped encountering that. Maybe it's the friends I made, maybe it's the growing up that happens in those years, but at some point other people will stop caring whether or not you're attracted to the same celebrities/people that they are. I know it doesn't fix the sense of pressure right now, but hopefully it helps!

[Siân]

Totally know where you guys are coming from! I was totally confused by what the general consensus was in school on who was attractive, my friends would be oogling and I'd just be vaguely bored When I actually started dating I realised I just found other things attractive that not everyone else saw and that was fine. Most of my celebrity crushes are generally considered a bit peculiar but that's ok. In fact, if everyone was attracted to the same things then life would be difficult because we'd all be chasing the same people!

[thewrit3r]

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this! I'm actually in college right now, and while I'm sure it happened in school (I wouldn't know cause I was homeschooled) I still feel like I'm bombarded with it through the media with articles like "the hottest guys on [such and such television shows]" and how girls want to watch a superhero film because of the eye candy for males and stuff like that. It actually bothers me a lot less now, I'm starting not to care what people think I "should" be doing or feeling because I realize it's pretty ridiculous to listen to someone tell me how to live my life rather than that person just living theirs. I feel like some people are way too invested in others' lives when they don't need to be. But that's their problem. Anyway, it's nice to see that I'm not alone in my feelings. I guess we're not so different from each other as I think sometimes

[Siân]

Glad we could share I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that pretty much all our hidden weirdnesses are shared by a whole bunch of other people out there and when we find a safe space and courage to voice them we realise how normal we really are. I found I worried about stuff a lot less when I started consuming different media. A lot of the stuff marketed as women's magazines just makes me miserable because I feel like it's a list of things to hate about myself (which wouldn't have bothered me otherwise) disguised as tips, plus "women think like this" which made me feel odd when I thought differently. Sounds like you're deciding to live your life in your own terms and that's great!

[Atonement]

You know, I've always felt the same way, but that was never something I was insecure about.

If anything, I was slightly snobbish about it and considered myself a little bit above the masses that were attracted to whatever they were old to like.

I was never really into celebrities. My feelings were always along the lines of "sure, they look nice, but who cares?". I was and am only really attracted to characters, whether in books or TV shows. I had to have a personality to get into.

That definitely carries over to real life too. Its funny that I saw this post, because I was actually just thinking about that. I can see a guy at the grocery store and objectively acknowledge that he's attractive, but I've never gotten that urge for physical contact unless I've formed a friendship before romantic stuff was put on the table.

The negative aspect is, especially now that I've finished college, I've found the scenarios that I'm in where I can interact with guys before romance is a part of it has pretty much entirely vanished. I love my job, but I have interacted with 0 men that it would be appropriate to date in months.

I dislike straightforward dating like meeting online or in bars because romance is on the table before anything else, and it feels like too much pressure for me. I can't really connect with a person when it feels like we're both just interviewing each other for a position of romantic partner. So, my options seem beyond limited.

[Siân]

Yeah, when you're not in school suddenly you aren't mixed in with a huge bunch of potential peers and it feels like meeting new people somehow stops. I've just moved to a new city where I don't know anyone and it was pretty intimidating at first but then last week I started thinking of all the things I like to do that could be done with other people and hunted down groups, classes etc. on the internet and have been trying them out. I've met a few people that way that I can do stuff outside the group with, so tentatively optimistic so far! Maybe I dating isn't your thing you might be able to find people doing interesting things in your area? Then you get to know people before putting romance on the table?