Virin/sex/anxiety/vaginismus?

[dragon999]

Hi!

I am a 20 years old and am in my first relationship. I am a virgin but both I and my partner have been ready to have sex since our 3rd month. We have tried doing so about 4 times now but every time he tries to penetrate me, It hurts a lot. It is as though he is hitting a wall. Even when I want to have sex and we tried it with lube as well, It just hurts.
It doesn't hurt when I insert my finger in. Just feels a little uncomfortable because I am not used to it. I have researched a lot and found that vaginismus could be a cause. After thinking about it some more, I think I am anxious because (and this may sound dumb/funny), I feel like he is too big for me ( both length and width). I feel like that may be one of the reasons I am subconsciously afraid. I know people grow babies in there so, accommodating a penis shouldn't be impossible (usually). Yet, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

I was wondering if you had any information that will help me understand the process, reduce my anxiety and perhaps things i can do to better control my body tightening up in such situations/relaxation techniques I can use.

As much as I want to talk to someone about it/visit a doctor, the only doctor I can afford are the ones at my university and I don't know whom to talk about this with. This website has been super helpful and a wonderful informative resource.

Thank you for you time!

[Jacob]

Hey Dragon!

And also, not all genitals 'go together' the way we can expect them to... You guys very well may find a way of doing PIV which works and feels great but also you might find that sex for you could be made up of different things which you find way more fulfilling.

Have you read From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse? It touches on many of the things you have mentioned here.

Also judging it against childbirth is probably not your best bet, it's not particularly known for being 'that unpainful thing'.

[dragon999]

Thank you Jacob!

Haha, I know childbirth is super painful! But I have been told that sex can be painful too, especially the first time. I just didn't think it would be this painful.

Thank you for your help! I will read the other post. Have a great day!

[Sam W]

Hi Dragon999,

It might also help to know that while sex can hurt, especially early on when people are new to it, it's not "supposed" to hurt. It sounds like you're paying attention to your body's "ouch" cues and trying to find ways to make that discomfort stop, which is a great habit to get into.

Do you and your partner experiment with other forms of stimulation, or have you mostly been focusing on penis in vagina sex?

[dragon999]

Hi Sam!

Thank you.
My partner and I try other forms of stimulation (and they feel pretty good!) but it seems as though PIV sex is some "goal" and it supposedly feels amazing/better than any other form of sexual stimulation.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

You're right that PIV sex is presented as the pinnacle of sexual activity, but in reality people have a variety of reactions to it. Some people love how it feels, some people find it feels okay but is not their absolute favorite, and some people prefer to go without it because it doesn't feel that great to them.

What if you and your partner took some time to focus on those things that have been feeling really good and just enjoy yourselves, and put PIV sex into the category of "will try again later?"

[dragon999]

I will discuss it with my partner.

Thank you Sam!
Have a wonderful day!

[Sam W]

You're welcome