sexuality support

[Science_Geek]

Hello,
I am still struggling with questioning my sexuality and when I get to the point where I think I can say it out loud and accept it, more questions and confusion comes up. I am kind of worried about posting here again, as I think I may have offended someone by the last post I wrote, which I didn't mean to. But I was wondering if there is an online chat (one on one type) that can help with this on the weekends. The only sites I have found are on certain days during the week.
Thanks

[Heather]

Can you give me a better idea of what, more specifically, you are looking for chat service help with?

Because the process you're going through is a very common one, and often something that just takes time -- but also doesn't tend to cause too much distress -- I'm assuming you're not looking for mental healthcare services like you have before, but something else?

[Science_Geek]

Thanks for the reply. I usually go to the switchboard LGBT online but it seems like they are not there on weekends.
Not really looking for mental health, although I am sure my stressing about this is related to MH issues. I just want someone to talk to regarding the confusion and questions that I have and someone to talk to about becoming more accepting and comfortable with the way I leaning towards on this sexuality identity. I am trying not to suppress it but I think that just might be the best.

Sorry for post.

[Heather]

Got it!

Well, one of our staff has been starting to work Sunday mornings (typically 9 AM - 11 AM PST), if that sounds good to you.

The GLBT Hotline also is available Sundays for a bit: https://www.glbthotline.org/peer-chat.html

7 Cups of tea also has an option, anytime: https://www.7cups.com/lgbtq-chat-room/

Any of those look good to you?

[Heather]

(It may be obvious, but in case it isn't: we obviously can talk with you one-on-one here at the boards anytime, as well. If and when you want to limit a conversation to one staff member, it is always okay to let us know that and we'll be sure not to give you a group to talk with when you only wanted one-on-one!)

[Science_Geek]

Hi. Thanks for the links. I will have a look at them. I have used the first one before, but couldn't find today's times. I have never used the 7 cups but I will give it a try. I did not know you all were available on Sunday mornings, but I will keep that in mind. I didn't know I can talk one on one here. Is that the same thing as I have been doing or is that the chat at the top? I just want to be ok with all of this and reassurance I guess, but I also don't want to offend any one else with my naïve questions and thoughts.

[Heather]

One-on-one here on the boards just means you and only one other person talking. So, again, if that's something you want, you can always ask a staff member if they'd keep being the one talking to you when they're available and ask others if they'd leave you two to it, that's all.

And Sunday morning chats are something we used to have, but lost the staff for: we're working on bringing them back!

I don't think anyone has been offended, and to be honest, if we do get so, we know how to manage it. It's our job to do that so that our users can, with basic respect for us intact, obviously, feel free to be pretty candid here and focus on themselves more than on us.

I want to add that you might not be okay with all of this for a while, but THAT can be okay.

I get that it stinks to struggle to accept yourself and also to figure out where you're landing right now when it comes to sexual identity, gender identity, or both. But I also think that so long as you can go through it in a supported way, the process of getting to acceptance, and of going through all these thoughts and feelings, can offer you a lot that can come in handy on the other side, as well as in other parts of your life. Learning how to be okay being unsure, uncomfortable or both is a pretty good thing to learn.

So, it probably sounds corny and tangly as hell, but personally, I think if you can just get to the place where you start by being okay with yourself not being okay with yourself, you will probably find that all of this, even when you're still not sure of much, gets a lot easier.

[Science_Geek]

Brilliant. Thanks

Oh ok, good. I was worried I offended someone.

I just need support from time to time with this as I don't really have any friends or family that would support it. And I don't really have a lot of friends where I am living now.

That's what I need to learn. I hope this does get easier, because right now it doesn't feel easy. Maybe I just suppressed it for too long. I think I have suspected all along that I was not straight, but growing up I was taught it was wrong and a sin to be anything but straight.

I don't know what to do with any of this. And I think that is what is stressing me out.

I do want to be ok with myself not being ok, lol. And I just want to be ok.

[Heather]

Can I ask -- and my apologies if you've mentioned this before and I missed it -- what your creative outlets are like? In other words, when you have a bunch of VERY BIG THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR HEART AND HEAD HURT, what do you typically go to in order to have a place or a way to express those things?

Buddhist writer Pema Chödrön once wrote one of my very favorite things about being okay,something I remind myself of when I feel like I'm trying too hard to be okay instead of just accepting where I'm at: “Affirmations are like screaming that you're okay in order to overcome this whisper that you're not... maybe you're not okay. Well, no big deal. None of us is okay and all of us are fine.”

[Science_Geek]

Creative outlets are slim. I do write (journal), draw (but I think I am too picky on what I draw), music and movies. I do like to read too. I am usually so drained at the end of the day from work/school that the thought of doing anything but watching a tv show just doesn't appeal to me. However, that is usually when I need it the most. I usually try to do pilates every morning, just to get ready for the day. The nights are when my mind goes hay wire and all the stress from the past and this questioning and overwhelming thoughts of school just hit at once. And when they do, I usually don't remember to do anything creative/healthy/coping skills. So unfortunately, the negative coping skills take over at night. I did find a therapist, and so far that has been good. But she is a trauma specialist and I'm not sure we will be talking about the confusion or questioning of my sexuality. So I kind of feel like I am doing this alone.

Sorry for the tangent.

I like that quote. I may have paste it on my mirror. Thanks.

[Heather]

No need to be sorry, this is for you.

I wonder if you could try and pick one creative outlet for night that you can let yourself be lax with? Like, maybe this could be a good time in your life to learn to draw for yourself without perfectionism? Additionally, is it safe to take a walk out in the evening where you are? If so, maybe even just a small one could help you out? One more: I usually can't stand being read to, so this isn't my thing, but I know some people find audiobooks in the evening a better way to read (since eyes are often tired) and relax (since you can close eyes and just be quiet). Maybe give it a shot instead of watching something? Perhaps even pick something with an eye for emotional comfort?

Out of curiosity, if you don't mind, can you say more about what you really want when you say you want to be okay with all of this? I find sometimes it helps to really get super-specific with what we're after when we want a thing and feel we're suffering without it: helps to best figure out how we might attain it, but sometimes it can also help us actually dial back our feeling of need for something, or some part of it, that may be a long way off so we can start to suffer a little less about not being there yet.

[Heather]

(I just realized it is holy-crap-it-is-late-o'clock in the UK. Hopefully it's obvious with such a big question you don't have to answer that at all, let alone tonight, especially if you can get some sleep. I'll be heading off of work for the day soon myself, so in the event you do want to post something, know I'll be back tomorrow for it.)

[Science_Geek]

Thanks. I do try to go to the gym after school/work, but it is so crowded that my self consciousness kicks in. (I live on university accommodation- and now all the students are back). Audio books, like you said, are not my thing. I usually use them on road trips with my mom and they make me fall asleep. I cannot seem to picture what is happening as well when someone is reading to me. Granted my books are probably not the best for night time reading, if I can ever remember to read them vs. falling asleep to some show I have seen a million times on Netflix. I love World War 2 books and autobiographies. And the one autobiography I read at Christmas last year, I have his first book. He is a UK actor who identifies as homosexual. But there was a part in his book that before I really started questioning and reading into sexuality that fit. He talks about just wanting someone around for the companionship and friendship, which made me realize that is what I want.

I want to accept and be comfortable with this part of me. I want to let those desires or fantasies come and not give them a second thought. I want to eventually get up the nerve to meet others who identify the same way, but I think that is really far off. I started this whole questioning with wanting to know what the hell was going on in my mind and body. I think I know now, but I want to know what to do with it all and accept it all. I guess acceptance is the answer. But not only acceptance, belief. I want to believe that this is a part of me and not care what others may think, if I choose to tell them. I guess it is kind of like learning the abuse I suffered was not my fault. There are days where I can believe that but I have a hard time accepting it. But then there are days I can accept it but to truly believe it seems impossible. (Sorry to compare this to abuse, it was the only example I could think of). With the sexual orientation that I think I am, but cannot say out loud yet, I want to get to the point where I not only accept it but believe it and vice versa.

I hope that makes sense.

[Heather]

I think having something else you have been through/are going through -- like surviving abuse -- to connect this with is really helpful. For sure, they're different, but in some ways, not so much. After all, likely a good deal of what you're struggling with is about internalized bigotry, and that certainly is a lot like living with or surviving abuse.

I do think I can follow that paragraph, and thank you. Something I notice when I read through it is that you start by saying you want to accept and be comfortable with this part of you. One thing I'd like to point out about that is that self-acceptance is really something about accepting ourselves as-is, not some idealized version, or some who-we-are down the road after we get through...well, ironically, living with a lack of self-acceptance. So, I'd encourage you to just review your feelings like you did here often, and just try and be with them sometimes without trying to change them, or getting mad at them, etc. I don't know about you, but in my experience, it's a harder, less empowering and more stressful process to get to the other side of something big when I don't just let myself be at whatever stage of something I am for at least a little bit without trying to push past it and without beating myself up about it.

When you went through the process you talked about with abuse, how did you deal with your feelings before you got more to the other side with that, like before you really knew it wasn't your fault?

(Per the walk, I doubt the gym is probably the best balm. I think many people are too self-aware to really get exercise-as-catharsis in a setting like that. And on a walk, you can also get some fresh air -- which is actually super-important for your brain when you're stressed. It also sounds like if your books at night aren't something you would find comfort in, now might be a great time to explore some things to read that are! For instance, if you really liked that quote I mentioned, it's from a book called "Start Where You Are - A Guide To Compassionate Living." That is about Buddhist precepts, but I wouldn't call it religious, if that's an issue for you, and I would also say there's some really helpful, grounding stuff in there when you're trying to be compassionate with yourself, which is so much of what self-acceptance is.)

[Science_Geek]

Is this internalized bigotry normal?

Sitting with feelings is really hard and I don't do it well.

With the abuse it took years of therapy, something I no longer have as of today. I didn't really deal with my feelings. I usually supressed them. While in therapy I kind of talked about them and learned coping skills.

Thanks, I will add the book to my Amazon list.

[Heather]

As normal as internalized racism or sexism, unfortunately. These -isms have been so strongly and so pervasively institutionalized, I'd say it's often still more common to have learned bias in this area than not.

It really, really is hard. But it does get easier with practice, and I'd say getting better at it makes a really positive difference in our lives, universally. In other words, I know it can be uncomfortable as hell, but I think it's worth the effort.

[Science_Geek]

Thanks.

I just feel lost and alone.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry you feel that way. You aren't alone -- and I'm not sure you're lost, either -- but that certainly doesn't mean you can't feel that way, or that those feelings aren't real.

Where would you like to take our conversation from here?

[Science_Geek]

Thanks.

I was kind of hoping the therapist I had would help with some of this, but she said she can no longer help me after 2 weeks.

I don't know about our conversation. I feel like I should go back to suppressing it all until another breakdown. I don't know if its worth figuring out anymore. I thought I was doing the right thing and doing something good trying to figure it out but now I'm not to sure.

[Heather]

Only you can know how much you want to focus on your sexual and gender identity, and when it is and isn't right for you. You don't have to suppress something to not make it a primary focus, though, so you certainly have the option of just letting go of a focus on either or both for a little while, whenever you want. Especially if that focus is more about trying to "figure it out," which probably isn't going to be very productive anyway, since both of these things are less figure-out-able than they are just things we kind of let ourselves discover and process.

If a new therapist can't help you after just two weeks of seeing them, they obviously can't really help you, period. I don't know what the scoop is with that situation, but are they referring you to someone else?

[Science_Geek]

I guess I am confused. Wouldn't figuring it out be part of the process. I apologize for the dumb and probably obvious questions. I want to focus on it and accept it and be comfortable with it but I think with the lack of support around me, it makes it hard. I want to be able to say it outloud to myself and accept it but I cannot bring myself to doing it.

That is true. I didn't think about it like that. It was some kind of emergency which has had the therapist tied up last week and this week and they said its not fair for me to constantly wait and suggested I look somewhere else. The problem is I have tried everywhere else, that I know and I am constantly denied services.

[Heather]

I've paid attention to some of your struggle for mental healthcare, and it has sounded like it has deeply sucked.

When a therapist doing their job can't see a patient anymore, or can't give care they initially committed to, rather than telling them to look "somewhere else," so vaguely, they should be giving you referrals. Did you ask for any? If not, I would suggest you do that. As in a "You said somewhere else, but I have had no luck finding care. Can you please refer me to one or more colleagues of yours directly?"

Per "figuring it out," personally, that's not how I'd view it (and on a personal note, it's not how I experienced it, though that's anecdotal). I'd say it's more feeling it out, if anything: "figuring" suggests this is something intellectual when it's really something more emotional; something we feel more than something we think, you know? And by all means, self-acceptance isn't usually a logical pursuit either. Again, that's more a feeling, about making emotional peace with ourselves, kind of like you might with a friend who has some challenging bits about them, you know?

I do also think it sounds to me like you're trying too hard; trying to be at a place with this you're just not yet, so again, I would really encourage you to try to just let yourself be where you are some more. Maybe part of the trouble here, part of the holdup to getting closer to that other side, has something to do with trying to push through this part of things when it's more about just letting go. Does that make any sense?

[Science_Geek]

Deeply sucked, is putting it nicely. LOL. I never had this much trouble back where I use to live. She said I can wait it out for her to come back, or I would have to ask my GP for a referral. I have already asked the doctor and he gave me a suicide hotline number. I just feel I am beyond help at this point.

Emotions and feelings are a struggle for me. Emotional peace sounds ideal though. I want that.

It does make sense. It would feel ok if these thoughts or desires or whatever, not really sure what to call them anymore, would just stopfor a while. These desires are intriguing but overwhelming. It's like flashbacks, they just sometimes appear out of no where and tend to just linger and consume my thoughts. Unfortunately with the flashbacks, I can get myself out of them, but it is in a non healthy way. I don't want this to turn into that.

[Heather]

I doubt you are beyond help, but I certainly understand you feeling like the help you need isn't out there for you right now. I don't know how you wouldn't feel that way, really, given your struggles with finding care and what sounds to me like some really dismissive approaches to you by people whose job it is to do better than this. I am so sorry, and I wish there were more we could do for you in this particular arena.

Am I hearing you right that you have yet to come up with healthy coping techniques for yourself for either abuse flashbacks or just really uncomfortable feelings, like you have been having? If so, how do you feel about at least giving some of what I have already suggested a try? How about trying some new things you haven't before, like walks in the evening or just doodling instead of drawing with a perfectionist eye?

Additionally, have you done any self-help reading with any of this, particularly since it may be a while again until you can get therapy?

[Science_Geek]

Hi. Thanks

I have some but I forget to use them. I get too caught up in the moment... Its like those feelings and flashbacks take over and consume me. The flashbacks more so then the other, but I can kind of snap out of the other one, the flashbacks not so much. I don't remember to use the healthy coping skills. I don't like sitting with these thoughts, not even the new ones even thought they fascinate me, because at the same time I do over think them and it eventually goes to negative thinking versus positive.

I have done some self help reading. I started reading the book that is advertised on the main page of this website, but afraid to read the rest. And sadly that is about the only self-help sexuality book I have read. I thought about reading the book that is meantioned in it about the childhood experiences and sexuality but so far have chickened out as I am worried it would be too triggering. I have read quite a bit on self harm and depression and anxiety, but I kind of suck at applying what I learn without accountability. And all though that sounds like an excuse, and I know I should be accountable to myself, I also know I do a little better if I feel like I actually feel like I have someone who says they care and is willing to push me and hold me to these things.