3 years, still no orgasm

[SarahMac24]

Hello,
I'm 20 and I've been sexually active for about three years, and masturbating for a while before that, but I have never had an orgasm. I'm in a long term relationship with my boyfriend, and was with the big ex for two years, and between these two, there were quite a few lacks of judgement. I thought at first it was because I had only been with one partner, and I just wasn't getting there because we were new to it all, but after having experiences with men and women from various sexual backgrounds, I realised something wasn't working for me. I know the orgasm is not the be all end all of sex - and I have a happy, healthy, exciting sex life with someone I really love - but it's becoming frustrating because I can feel a lot of pleasure but no release. Everyone talks about having this incredible cake, and sometimes I feel like I just get to lick the icing!

I find that I struggle to take pleasure from clitoral stimulation, and it can sometimes be painful, but anything inside can feel really good. I've tried masturbating, using toys, oral and vaginal sex, and I just can't feel that build, even though it all feels good. In the beginning there was anxiety about how I looked and what was expected from me in sexual situations, but I feel more comfortable with all that now, and (hopefully!) communicate well with my current boyfriend, who is very caring and supportive.

I also just want to say how great it was to find this forum full of open, friendly women supporting each other <3
Any advice or anyone experiencing a similar problem would be so much appreciated, thank you guys.

[Heather]

Welcome, SarahMac! Glad you found us.

I'm going to start with a bunch of questions, just to fill in some pieces that are missing for me in this so I can have a real sense of your whole picture. Ideally, that can help us find some new things for you to try that even more ideally leave you feeling better about your sexual response.

You don't mention how excited (turned on) you generally are with either masturbation or any kind of sex with partners, including well before any of it starts. Can you tell me a little about that?

Too, when you are engaged in some kind of sex (including masturbation), do you often kind of lose yourself in it, so that you're not really in your head, or do you feel more controlled in all of it, and more in your head (like even thinking about what might get you to orgasm instead of just rolling with whatever is feeling good in the moment)?

When you are doing things that feel good to you, are you continuing them so long as they feel good, including asking partners (when they're involved) to keep going if they were going to change things up? What happens when you do keep going with what feels good: do you get tired, lose interest, something else?

Lastly, do you have any kind of health issue that might be at play here, like depression, for instance, nervous system stuff from diabetes, or MS? I know people don't always know which health things can interfere with sexual response, so if you're comfortable just throwing any existing health stuff you have got out there, I'm happy to check through it for you.

[SarahMac24]

Hi Heather! Thank you for replying so quickly!

In terms of being turned on, there aren't any issues really, I've been able to feel aroused in most of my past sexual experiences, and don't have any problems with lubrication or anything like that.

To the second question I'd say most of the time I can just enjoy the experience, although my brain does sometimes like to run around a bit, depending on the situation (worried about other people hearing or something).

When something feels good and it continues, it feels like I can reach this really high level of pleasure, and just not get the release of it building to a climax if that makes sense.

In terms of health stuff, I'm not sure. I've never been diagnosed but have definitely had some very low points, including short times of self harm. That all peaked when I was raped just over a year ago, but I feel much more confident and comfortable in myself now, and although it still really hurts sometimes, I'm accepting and coming to terms with it. It has affected my sex life in the past, and I hated it, but it's happened only once or twice in the last six months.

[Heather]

Thanks for all of this information, it's helpful.

One clarifying question! You say:

When something feels good and it continues, it feels like I can reach this really high level of pleasure, and just not get the release of it building to a climax if that makes sense.

So, what happens if you keep up with whatever you are doing that feels so good, then? In other words, when do you stop or change what you're doing that's feeling good and why? Does what felt so good stop feeling good after a while (and if so, is it more a shift to hypersensitivity or to boredom or numbness)? Or do you just stop doing a thing even if it's still feeling good, because it hasn't led to orgasm?

And one additional question: would you say you're someone who has a hard, easy or somewhere-in-the-middle time with emotionally or physically letting go? For example, to put this in another context, how are you with expressing emotions freely (including ones that aren't as simple as just happy) or with kind of sinking into your body and letting it do what it does during something like a massage or while dancing?

[SarahMac24]

Hello again,

We change what we're doing because of tiredness from one or both of us, or because it stops feeling so good; becomes abrasive/feels raw, or because I feel like I can't take any more time at this like heightened plateau of feeling/it becomes too much and not in a nice way. I've tried staying longer to see if these times where it feels like too much could be the cusp of an orgasm, but it's been up to an hour there without one, and does just start to become just a little bit too painful to enjoy the pleasure. I have sort of stopped masturbating now, just because it always felt better when I was with my partner anyway, and I could become more aroused.

I dance so much partly because of the feeling you mention, and it used to be the same when I ran cross country, that feeling of clearing your mind and not having to think, your body just running naturally. I think I express emotions quite openly; I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm not very good at hiding what I'm thinking or how I feel. However if I'm not comfortable with something myself, I need to process it in my own mind, and try to understand it before sharing it with someone else, when it'll blurt out. In terms of letting stuff go, I'm not sure. I can let things go in the moment, or for a long period of time, but if I'm reminded of something it can make me stop for a second to remember and the feelings come back, whether the memory is good or bad. So I guess not that great at letting things go really, but I'm not sure how to respond, I think it depends on what the thing is and how it made me feel, although I guess that's intuitive.

I hope this helps! I really appreciate your time

[Heather]

Got it! My workday is coming to an and, so I will pick this up again with you tomorrow.

[Boxers&socks]

Hi there,

I experienced similar issues in my late teens and now in my early twenties I am able to orgasm without a problem, so there is hope! I thought for so long it was a physical issue, but turned out to be a big mental block I was totally unaware of. I can definitely relate to the frustration and feeling of missing out, though. Have you tried combining toys? What finally worked for my was using a vibrator for clitoral stimulation with simultaneous penetrative stimulation (on my own)--but even then it didn't work the first time. My best advice is to be creative and to continue exploring on your own, as the presence of a partner can inadvertently add pressure, even if they are patient and supportive. Engaging with erotic material, fantasizing, trying different toys can all help make the experience more fun and pleasurable, even if they don't result in orgasm.

I also found direct clitoral stimulation uncomfortable and also experienced the "plateau" feeling you describe. I found that I actually experience more pleasure from pressure applied to different areas around my clitoris, but not directly on it. Maybe you could try varying pressure, location, speed, vibration, etc. to find out what feels best for you. Partners have found this confusing at times, but after figuring out what I liked I've been able to explain it more clearly. If you would like to explore this with a partner, I've heard it can help to set time aside to explore sensations and then stop before it turns into sex. For example, set three minutes aside and have your partner touch one body part in different ways and tell them what feels good and doesn't and after the timer goes off stop and put your pants back on, and try something on them. It sounds kind of silly, but I can imagine how it removes a lot of pressure and frustration because the only goal is to find out what feels good. (I heard this from a sex educator giving a workshop on orgasms but have never tried it myself.) My final tip would be that lube is your best friend

Anyway, I hope this is helpful. As you said in your OP, having an orgasm isn't the be all end all, but know that what you are going through is such a common experience that many people overcome. And even if you don't anytime soon, you are fully capable of having a happy and fulfilling sex life. If you have any more specific questions I'd be happy to address them

[Heather]

In the event this is really more physical -- about not finding what feels best when it comes to your nerve endings, basically -- that's all some good advice Boxers&socks added in here.

Apologies for my lapse with our conversation!

I have some thoughts to add, and some thinks to think. Let me know if you want to dig deeper into any of them.

I wonder what happens when you get turned on BEFORE any kind of genital play, and keep at other things until you feel pretty bursting at the seams, and only THEN engage in sex with genitals what happens then. Like if, for instance, you are super-enjoying just making out and keep making out, even when you feel like you reallyreallyreally want something else and only when it's almost torture not to do you do a something else, like say, manual sex or intercourse. One issue might be that you're actually not building up enough excitement before that stuff.

I also wonder what would happen if you started going into any kind of sexual activity by just accepting that you are not going to orgasm, but instead just want to have a good time and do whatever feels really good until it doesn't anymore or y'all are bored or what have you. In other words, how much have you been centering all of this, even just in your own head, around the ghost of orgasm? If you do it, how about seeing what happens when you try to just put orgasm's plate away, as it were, because you know they're not coming to dinner?

It does sound like you probably suffer from having a hard time forgetting your frustrating history with orgasm. Our sexual responses can be very influenced by our sexual history, including our history with that response (or lack thereof). Besides ideas like the two up there, I'd encourage you to think about what you might be able to do to try and just let go of all that and think of yourself as starting fresh.

I also personally think ditching masturbation is a mistake if you want to learn to become orgasmic, because that is almost always how people do, rather than with partners. If you find you can't get as excited by yourself as you once could, I'd suggest you explore that, and explore some new things -- fantasy (be it in your head or in sexual media), maybe some new toys (do we ever get too old to be excited about playing with new toys?), maybe some dedicated time and space. Maybe it's about context for you: perhaps when you've already been doing something like dance that really gets you in your body and feeling free with it is a good time to try.