Breakup because of work

[bigbywolf]

Hey Scarleteen,

So I just broke up with someone I was very in love with because he was too busy. (I'm f20, he's m24) I'm talking maybe seeing him once a week, seldom texting between those times. For someone else that might be enough, but I was feeling very ignored. I had him over and explained that to him, and he said he couldn't give me more time, he feels his current work is the track to his dream job. When we first got together, he was working somewhere else and we had time. He said he doesn't see his level of busy changing any time soon so I told him it seems like he's too busy for a relationship with someone like me and that was that.

I guess I'm just posting this for reassurance. I keep checking my phone for texts that didn't arrive even when we were together, and praying he makes the realisation he can work AND be a communicative boyfriend - but these things won't happen. And it feels awful. He moved me into my new home, all the dog toys are things he bought for my dog and there's signs of him caring everywhere. But he is not the right person for me. But I want him to be. At the beginning of this relationship I really thought he could be "the one", and told myself if we moved in together the sparse texting wouldn't be an issue, and we were seeing each other every other day when he had his old job. But moving in was never a priority for him, this relationship was just a "see how it goes" for him.

I feel so awful. I wish he'd message me.

[Heather]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, and I'm sorry that this relationship didn't go the way you'd hoped it would.

I don't think it's that uncommon to be in the spot you're in now, where you broke up with someone, but are still nursing a hope that the breakup was a wake-up call for them, one they'd get and suddenly change who they are and what they want and come rushing back in. It's been a while, but I know I've been there before, and I have certainly encountered others in this spot.

If you're looking for advice about what to do when you're feeling like this, I'd personally suggest just accepting these feelings for what they are: you're disappointed. It's understandable. You probably also still just need some time to accept the reality here. You did say you just did this. Even when we're the ones doing the breaking up, and have probably already processed some of our feelings before doing so, we still often have feelings we need to just experience and process. You probably still need to grieve, especially now that you are out of the relationship and can really do it.

It also sounds like another thing you might benefit from doing as you go through this is to reclaim or claim your home as YOUR home some more. Maybe it's time to pass on some of the dog things from him to other dogs and get your pup some new things. Maybe, if you're allowed where you live, you can paint a room so it feels new and 100% yours. Maybe it's time soon for a belated housewarming so other people in your life can bring themselves and small gifts or tokens into your home so it feels touched by more than just that one person, you know?

[bigbywolf]

Thank you, Heather. Is it ok if I use this space to ruminate and understand my bad feelings some more?

I didn't have any time to process the breakup - because I thought I was just going to have an open, adult conversation about wanting to spend more time with my partner. I thought a discussion would be had about what we could and couldn't offer. X surprised me with his ultimatum approach to it of flat-out saying he was giving me the absolute most that he could. I wish I believed that, but I don't. He wasn't being honest with myself or him. What he was saying is he couldn't prioritise this relationship more than he did. So, yeah. Very heart broken. The first time I asked for more out of the relationship, and it got dropped in it's entirety.

We kissed goodbye and he said he loved me. Since then it's been a cut off of contact since the Saturday. I am struggling to understand how you can say you love someone, and then have to sort of... immediately work on not loving them? I am understandably hurting so much right now, and fighting to not message him, saying I love him and want to work it out. I already put that offer on the table in trying to have a conversation with him. It breaks my heart that he doesn't want to work harder for me now for the amazing future I thought we could have had.

On a more positive note, I'm feeling less sad about the 'pieces of him' everywhere. Those dog toys are not the ghost of X, they were not his, they are my dogs. And she loves them. She does not love them because they were X, she loves them just because they're toys and they make her happy. And there is no ghost of X on my bed. He slept there maybe once a week. It is my bed - and my dogs We sleep there every night. Visitors cannot take the emotional importance away from it if I do not let them.

[CarmenBurgoyne]

I am so sorry to hear that.

[bigbywolf]

Thank you Carmen. <3 things will get better.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

You're welcome to process a bit here, and we can offer thoughts or feedback when relevant or when you ask us to.

You're right that the "I love you" plus break-up can create major levels of emotional whiplash. It can be tricky for our brains to reconcile the fact that someone cares about us (and we them) but that care is no longer equating to a romantic relationship. That kind of sudden change plus the newness of the break can add up to weird mixture of feelings. So, as Heather said, a big part of moving on from this is likely to be the space and time to sort through of all those emotions. It sounds like you're already taking some mental steps, like reframing your dog's toys as hers and not X's, to adjust to this and make your space more you're own again, which is awesome.

[CarmenBurgoyne]

Yeah, things will get better soon

[bigbywolf]

Ok, so I'm nervous and feel like an asshole.

I've heard nothing from X since we've broken up and I am assuming that will be the permanent state of affairs. Maybe he's giving me space, maybe he's being a jerk. Who cares.

So I have a friend, lets call him Jay. I slept with Jay some time last year, got along with him well etc. He left to do an OE.

So not three days after I break up with X, I hear Jay is coming back up to stay in a tent in someone's back yard until a lease runs out and he can properly move in. So what do I do? Try to practice my new mantra of transparency and send him a message saying 'if you ever get tired of sleeping in a tent you can sleep in my bed'. He laughs that off, we talk about other things, I mention my breakup because that's obviously a big factor in, like, everything right now haha.

Late last night, I get a big message from Jay. He lets me know as a heads up he's not particularly interested in sleeping with me right now. He just got out of a bad breakup, too, and wants something long term (which bites, cus my game plan was to see what marty and i could be like long term). I didn't try to excuse myself at all, told him not to worry and I appreciated the bravery of sending a message like that. I also did let him know that I was not just trying to do the 'get under someone to get over someone else', and I just genuinely thought Jay was a cool guy. I haven't gotten a reply.

I feel disgusting. I feel like I was acting like a sexual predator and being so yucky being so forward. I feel like I've come across as emotionless and horny - and I am nowhere close to feeling horny again yet haha.

So, that's one dilemma, how to not feel like the scum of the earth, and maybe to figure out why it makes me feel like that.

The next is I think I've made the resolution to just focus on university and then focus on getting a job, and not making finding someone a priority. This is terrifying to me. I value human connection more than I value having a dream job or nice home. I want to delete tinder, but I need some pointers. What is good about being single? Working on yourself? Surely, if you were in a healthy relationship, you could do that anyway. And if that's the case, why did i give up on X for being too busy for me? I should've just taken the slight emotional holiday, worked on self, and loved him with everything I had when I got the chance to? I am beyond confused right now.

I don't really want anonymous sex anymore. I tried it through the last breakup and it's just not something I have the willpower to do. How do you not miss intimate sex with someone else when I get the drive back to want to do that?

Thanks. Sorry.

Ugh

[Kaizen]

I'm just going to take one of the questions: what's good about being single in this case is that you are not in a relationship that is making you feel ignored. And not in a relationship with someone who is, as you yourself said, "not the right person for you" because of your different opinions and desires on communication and time together.

Here's an analogy I got from Captain Awkward's site, from someone with the username of Mary: leaving a relationship where you're not happy is like getting out of a bath when the water's getting cold. You don't want to do it because you know you'll be cold, and when you first get out you are cold and you want to jump back in the water because at least you were warm there! (even though you weren't really warm, because the water was getting cold, but now you're so cold you kind of forget that.) But getting back in the water isn't really productive: at first it might feel warm by comparison, but before long you'll be cold again. If you push through the cold, grab a towel, and dry off, you start warming up, and once you're warm and dry you can go do other things.

[Jacob]

I love that metaphor Kaizen! Hurrah for Captain Awkward.

bigbywolf, I'm also going to reflect that maybe Jay being clear with you, and you with him was a really good thing. It was really nice to read about that communication seemingly going well. That sounds like some healthy communication to me. Part of what's important in our sex lives, in my opinion is the sex that we don't have. Just how the boundaries we have and respect are as important as the intimacy we share. It seems to me like the way you two negotiated that was as well as I'd hope it would go.

So you weren't being a predator. You did the opposite thing which was to give someone an opportunity to know you were inviting them to stay with you and gave them the chance to tell you how they felt. Predatory behaviour is nowhere near as transparent.

It sounds like you are making decisions at each step which feel best for you at the time, but then questioning them and worrying about them after the fact. I can absolutely relate (oh boy can I relate)... but from where I'm sitting it sounds like you're doing ok!

As a ruminator myself, there are some things that help me. I don't know if trying any of my things would help you feel good about your (in my opinion) rather sound relationship decisions.

Writing helps me a bunch. Just having things on paper can be a useful reminder. (I guess you're doing that here.)

Also doing an audit of the media I'm consuming can be helpful... if I'm reading/watching a bunch of stuff which is causing me to dwell on things, it can be useful to switch it up, and take a break from screens etc.

Ruminating can also be very much about avoiding the present, so counteracting that with some meditation is another winner for me. Meaning just sitting and trying to notice the smells and sound and sights around me as well as bodily feelings I'm having.

Do you anything that helps you feel better?

[bigbywolf]

Wow, that analogy is sitting so well for me. It can extend, too. Like X was in charge of one of the taps and i had the other, and even though i was willing to keep turning my tap to get the right temperature you can't do it by yourself. You'll freeze!! And the bath was beautiful and warm at the beginning, but it's time to get out. That feels good in my brain.

So I messaged Jay again saying that I felt gross about the way I went about it, and that if he didn't want to reply to me or if he even needed to block me because i made him feel uncomfortable that was ok. I also apologized for sending him that message at all, because it was probably something I should process, not him. But it turned out messaging him was the right thing because we've cleared the air of any awkward feelings. He calmed me down, but I didn't lean on him too much. We went back to playful chatting about other life things and that bad feeling in my gut has gone away.

I canceled some tinder dates I had set up. I don't want to go looking for anyone right now. I think my focus is going to be to finish university and find the best job, and I will attract the kind of person I want by being magnetic to them, not by hunting and then trying to give my all. If that doesn't happen for a long time, that's ok. I haven't 'lost', I'm not doing being a "successful human" wrong whatever the good hell that means.

Jacob, I write and do yoga! I watch this wonderful youtube channel called 'yoga with adrienne'. Straight after my breakup I was doing her video 'yoga for heartbreak' while I was snotting and crying and dribbling on my yoga mat.



I wrote a poem about X, to process and remind myself it wasn't the right relationship anymore.

Letter to my Ex-Boyfriend:

Firstly, I typed ‘ex-boyfriend’ and needed to cry for a minute.

Here is your letter.

I love you in the ugliest, ugliest way. I love you greedily. I love you because I wanted you to be perfect and because I got so good at sweet talking myself.
You were so sweet. Gentle boy.

When you try a girlfriend on for size again, consider these pointers:

When ‘your boys’ ask you what you’re up to that evening, you can try to pretend that is not why your girlfriend is suddenly getting dropped off. Maybe don’t light up in a way she hasn’t seen all day because your buddies want to get shit faced with you. Or maybe do light up like that. Be brighter. Make it more transparent so she doesn’t make my mistakes.

When she asks for more of your time and you say no:
I know you are chasing your dream. I know the world needs another filmmaker and that has got to be you, with your symmetrical cinematography that Wes Anderson hasn’t already nailed and we totally still need to see more of. But I want you to picture that house in your head that you told me about. The house out in the countryside, run down and quiet.

Can you tell me how you get there entirely by yourself, and how happy you are that you had no one by your side? Can you tell me how nice it is to walk through that big empty house? If it were me, I’d want a partner in there, but evidently you don’t need that. You’re too busy for a relationship right now so I doubt you’d get any more free time once you achieve that big dream of yours alone.

One of the signs of meticulous work is when you can’t notice it. I was a fucking pro at ‘us’. At ‘us’ for you.

Every anxiety attack was given to someone else. Every panic was pushed away, brushed down. Do you remember how I cut myself for the first time in three years that one time? We got to laugh that off within the hour. I wanted what you wanted, when you wanted it, all the time. Isn’t that convenient? Do you remember the names of my lecturers? Do you remember the middle name of my new baby sister? Don’t worry about it. Not important.
Thank you for telling me my vet bills were expensive while you sat on your nearly-enough-for-a-deposit-on-a-house. Don’t get me wrong, you can do whatever you want with your money. I just would’ve helped my shaking, nervous girlfriend with a couple hundred bucks that meant nothing to me but meant food and rent for her.

And on that note, you have been sweet. Gentle. Good for me. But I have to say ‘fuck you’ about one thing:

My dog doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. She doesn’t know how misguided her hope is when she thinks she hears your car pull up outside and she runs to the door. She still chews the toys you got her and chases the ball you got down from the tree. She still loves you and loves you and loves you in the purest way.

But you have work to do.

[SandyL]

Hey. Sorry to hear that. I'm sure you would find someone better.

[Alice O]

Hey bigbywolf,

So much good news in your last post!
I am glad to hear that the metaphor has fit with you. Loved the direction you took it in.
I am glad to hear that all is well with Jay. Huge props for your communication in that department.
I am glad to hear that you have found a great emotional/physical outlet for yourself--some yoga and crying feels like a really helpful thing right after a break-up.
I am glad to hear you canceled some tinder dates, since it sounds like that was the right move for you right now.
I am so glad to hear about the headspace you are in right now around being single. I so loved this paragraph: "I don't want to go looking for anyone right now. I think my focus is going to be to finish university and find the best job, and I will attract the kind of person I want by being magnetic to them, not by hunting and then trying to give my all. If that doesn't happen for a long time, that's ok. I haven't 'lost', I'm not doing being a "successful human" wrong whatever the good hell that means." There is another user who is focusing on this right now as well, I am going to suggest they come take a peek at your post!
Lastly and most importantly, what an amazing poem! Thank you thank you for sharing. Please keep writing!

[Alice O]

Also, I thought these two articles would interest you, if you haven't already checked them out:

I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fullfilment
To Be...AWESOME or Just Be: Tips on Making the Most of Your Life Right Now

In reading them, what comes up for you?

[bigbywolf]

SandyL, thank you for your kindness!

Alice,

The 'I Feel Good' article really struck a chord and has got the ball running on me realizing I need to do some untangling with my understanding of sex and self-worth. Outside of my relationship with X, I have some very toxic self-imposed opinions on sex, getting it, and not getting it. One of the things I mentioned in my poem was 'I wanted what you wanted, when you wanted it, all the time. Isn’t that convenient?' and it applies to a sexual context. I have, I think, once or twice in my life initiated sex, in all my relationships, long term or not. But I have a high sex drive - or I think I do? I'm so out of touch with my own sexuality right now. And in my life, I've turned down sex with a long term partner maybe twice, out of many nights I would have rather fallen asleep. I also have this bizarre anxiety that now that I'm not having sex 'regularly', my mood will change significantly? I won't be 'normal'?

Like I said, a lot to unpack and probably something I'd move to a different forum in scarleteen to explore.