Rape and Fiance

[kreed95]

So I am trying to decide how do I tell my fiancé I was raped by 1 person I cared deeply about and his best friend. As well as years later a coworker. It all started when I was 12 by my brother and his best friend. I will never forget any of it. I told people and was just shut down. it continued till I was 16 never had help. I suffered silently and quietly. Then the last time I saw my brother I had a really bad reaction towards seeing him. I have not been right since. I have been depressed, anxious all the time. I have panic attacks, I get stressed to the point I am sick. Then once life got a little normal I was working at a childrens camp. And it was thunder storming so I was not able to teach my activities so a cook offered to give me a ride home. Which I didn't think nothing about where I worked with him for 3 years. That day was my last day ever working there. On the way to my house he forced himself on me. I keep saying no and it made it worse. I was terrified to work again and still am. I am super vigilant about my surroundings now because you think you would be safe at a kids camp. I reported it to my boss after I reported it I moved 1000 miles away. and then I got a email about the investigation telling me that I made it up and it was all in my head. But working for a college you would think they would have taken it more seriously. I have been dating my fiancé since before the work incident. but he has no clue what happened. How do I tell him I am not a virgin for our wedding night. With my religion I have to be a virgin on my wedding night. I am terrified of what he will think of me.

[Iwanthelp]

I'm sorry you experienced that and that everyone involved let you down so badly.

I'm not sure how to go about telling him beyond maybe something like email would be an idea if face to face interaction would be difficult. Ultimately if he responds poorly it's best to get that out of the way before the wedding is finalized, you deserve people in your life that will do right by you. Taking a while to process that someone dear to him is a rapist is one thing but won't justify denial or minimization.

[Sam W]

Hi Kreed,

I'm so sorry that multiple people chose to assault you over the course of your life. That's awful, frightening, and absolutely not your fault. Have you ever received any support from a rape survivors resource or a counselor?

With telling your fiance, the direct route is likely to be the best route (of course, you know him better than I do, so you have a better sense of what ways of communicating work best for you two). You could tell him only the barest details, enough so that he knows people you trusted hurt you badly and that you're still dealing with the emotional and psychological fall-out from those incidents. If there's anything in particular you want him to do with this information, you can tell him that. Does that feel doable to you?

I do want to address the virginity issue. In case you didn't know, there's no way for your partner to tell if you're a virgin or not, because virginity is an idea rather than a concrete, physical thing. Too, because virginity is something that each person defines for themselves, some survivors will decide that the assaults do not "count" as a loss of virginity because they were rape and not consensual sex. It sounds like these articles might be helpful to you right now: Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context
You Can't Test For Virginity
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... nd_regrets

[kreed95]

No I never received any type of counseling. When I told my parents they said they would beat the crap out of me if I brought it up or told anybody. My brother is the prized child that does nothing wrong even when he raped me. It wasnt his fault it was mine for leading him into it. My parents always told me nobody would marry or love me because I have sex before marriage and how even though I was forced I wasn't considered a virgin in the Lord's eyes. But I did tell him and didn't go into detail. I just feel horrible because I still believe what my parents say because I was told it for so long.

[Alice O]

"So I told my fiancé today of my past. And now I'm so anxious. He understands but I didn't even go into the details of the rapes. And my mind is spending and I feel like I can't catch my breath. I hate that I didn't tell him earilier. But he wants to start getting more serious and the only memories I have of sex is horrible ones. I keep it all in my head but he wants to talk which than brings out emotions that I don't know how to deal with. I want to cry and change the subject and never talk about it. But there is going to be one day when he wants sex and I'm too afraid to even think about it. I just keep telling him I'm not ready. But truth is I'm just to terrified to even think about it."

[Alice O]

Hi kreed95,

I hope it's okay that I pasted your other post above. I want to reply to what you shared in both posts, so I wanted the information to all be in one place.

First of all, I want to repeat what Sam said: I am so sorry that have been forced to deal with this terrible sexual violence. And on top of that, I am so sorry that so many people let you down in their responses to the assaults, especially your parents. Their response--to not believe you, to demand you remain quiet, to blame you, to threaten you with violence--is absolutely, 100% not OK.

Before I tackle some of the other things you brought up, I want to remind you that your #1 priority is taking care of yourself. It sounds like some really high anxiety has come up for you in the aftermath of talking with your fiancee. What can you do to help guide yourself toward feeling a little bit more calm and stable? If that means getting off the message boards and reading the rest of this response another day--that is totally fine. Maybe getting some fresh air? Maybe doing some breathing exercises? Maybe taking a warm shower or bath? If you want some more ideas you can check out this list: Self-Care a La Carte.

Now to get to the rest of your posts:

1. What is your relationship with your parents right now? You mentioned moving 1000 miles away, was that 1000 miles away from your family? If so, are you still in touch with your parents and what has that been like? I want to make sure you are safe, both physically and emotionally.

2. You mentioned in response to Sam that you have not received any type of counseling. Is that something that you are open to? Even when our friends and family are supportive, dealing with a sexual assault can be really hard, and working with someone who specializes in supporting survivors can be really helpful. In this case, you are not only working on processing multiples assaults, including an ongoing assault by a close family member, but you also do not have the support of your family--for all this I am incredibly sorry. I think that a rape survivor's resource center or counselor could be really helpful for you in your healing process. If that is something you are open to, is that something you would like help in locating?

3. You shared that you talked with your fiance about having been raped. That was really brave of you! Do you want to share more about how that conversation went?

4. You said that you still believe some of the horrible things your parents said to you after you were assaulted by your brother. And so I just want to take a moment to remind you: None of this is your fault. Only you get to decide if you are still a virgin, and how that relates to your spirituality. You are lovable. You can and will (and it sounds like have?) found a partner who will love you and want to marry you, and who will support you around the sexual assaults you have experienced. And in terms of that partnership: there is no rush to have sex. Only you get to decide when you feel ready for that. It is fine if you are not ready now, in the near future, or in the far future. Lastly: this storm too shall pass.

[kreed95]

There is nothing that works for my anxiety because it drives me crazy just laying in bed trying to sleep. So I'm just taking slow deep breaths. To address your questions.

1. I moved away from my dad and step-mom. But had to move back because of safety reasons. I'm used to them by now. They haven't tried anything new in the last 10 years. I'm used to all they do. Plus now I fight back.

2. I don't have any support or anything. I am open up to trying it. I also don't have a car and they won't drive me places so I'm kind of in a corner about it.

3. I want to share more. But mentally cannot because just me bringing it up not even in any details makes me have such horrible feelings about it.

[kreed95]

I should probably specify that I moved back from an abusive step father. As well as a risk of losing my dogs. It was a hard time for me there. But yes my parents are and have been abusive for years. I can not remember a time when my parents were not abusive. But I've gotten used to it and just really ignore. Unless they bother my dogs, or hit me.

[Sam W]

Okay, given everything you're dealing with right now it sounds like there are two separate issues that need addressing. First is getting you support and counseling to help you heal from all the assaults. Most rape survivor support services will have a hotline that you can call, so being unable to physically get to one won't prevent you from getting help. Since you list your location as Alabama, this is a list of all the available resources for assault survivors in that state: http://www.alabamapublichealth.gov/inju ... enters.pdf. If you can, I encourage you to call one of them today so that you can start building up your support network. If you'd like, we can also help you brainstorm ways to access a rape crisis counselor in person.

The second issue is getting you out from under your abusive parent's roof. I know you say you're used to it and try to ignore it, both of which are common coping mechanisms of people who've dealt with long-term abuse. However, you deserve to be a home where nobody is abusing you, and a sound choice to make is to start taking steps to get out as soon as you can. This article is a really good place to start figuring out how to do that: The Scarleteen Safety Plan . Given that you have a fiance, is there any option of you going to live with him now or fairly soon?

[kreed95]

we can brainstorm ideas on how I can get to one in person. I will also call one today. As of right now we aren't planning on living together for the next year. I have dealt with emotional and physical abuse for years from there. So I stay out of there way and if I'm am in there way when they are in a mood I deal with it then. They have been abusive my whole life. As far back as I can remember. Just physically. Then once I hit middle school I was informed nobody would ever love me so why am I still on this earth. Or told I am fat and ugly and I should just go ahead and kill myself.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're planning on reaching out today. As for getting to an in person appointment, does your boyfriend have a car, or do you have any friends who'd be willing to drive you? And can you give me a sense of what the public transportation situation is like where you live? Too, if you call a local rape crisis resource today you can ask them if they're able to offer any help in getting you to their physical location.

That sounds like a terrible situation to have grown up in, and to still be dealing with. While you may not be able to get out right away, it's sound to start making a plan to get away as soon as you can. What, in your mind, are the primary things you'd need in order to get out of your parent's house (the safety plan article can help you figure out what things you might need)?

[kreed95]

i have no friends. I'm not allowed to have friends. We do not have public transportation at all. The big thing is having a pet friendly place because I have 2 dogs, a hamster. But also I need to save money from work. And being able to move closer to work so I don't rely on friends or family to get me to and from work. My fiancé does but he works weird hours. So it would be hard but possible.

[Sam W]

Got it. So, maybe something to do is ask your fiance if you and he can sit down and figure out times that he'd be able to get you to an appointment.

It sounds like a next step for you may be to start discreetly hunting for apartments or other living spaces and saving as much money as you can to put towards getting into one of those spaces. I'd also suggest getting in touch with a domestic violence survivor's resource (this is something the rape crisis center should be able to connect you to), as they may be able to help you get out. Does that all sound doable?

[kreed95]

anything is doable. But it doesn't hurt to ever try. I'm more just scared about how my parents will react.

[Sam W]

Which specific things do you think they'd have a negative reaction to?

[kreed95]

I have moved out before. And they forced me to come back saying if I don't then they are calling animal control on me about my dogs. My dogs are loved and spoiled so they couldn't do anything but its still a fear. As well as if I move away than would I be allowed to come back and see my grammy. Because my family has this thing that once a daughter moves out they aren't allowed to come back. If it is a son it is a completely different story. My step brother is 40 and has never lived on his own. Plus last time I moved out I was not allowed to take anything from my room. Except my dogs stuff. that even includes things I have paid for.

[Sam W]

I see. To make sure you're safe, do your parents ever monitor your internet activities or your phone calls?

With the animal control threat, if you don't believe that animal control would be able to find anything wrong with your treatment of your animals, then I would lean towards treating that as a threat you can ignore and acknowledge it for what it is: an attempt to keep you in the house where they can continue to abuse you . With your possessions, it may be that moving out means you lose a lot of what you have. That's an unfortunate reality that many survivors face, and it sucks that getting away from an abuser means losing things that are yours. The same is true of having to lose a connection to your grammy, but remember that both you and she are adults, and you can likely work out ways to contact each other in the future once you're safe. Ultimately, your safety (and it sounds like the safety of the animals you care about) has to be the priority. The logistics of getting you, the animals, and your things out is another reason to get in touch with a domestic violence survivor's resource in your area as soon as you can. This resource has a lot of information on housing issues that you might deal with when escaping an abusive household (it's written by a Scottish resource, but some of the information applies to the U.S) https://scotland.shelter.org.uk/get_adv ... stic_abuse .

[kreed95]

My step-mother has a way of lying to get what she wants. She got my sister takin away before she was even born for my mother not dressing her. I will gladly buy new possessions if I could just get out of the house. Yes I could definitely lose connection. Plus she would never remember me once I live since she has Alzheimer's.

[Sam W]

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandmother, and that being separated from her may mean you lose all connection to her. At this point, it sounds like your stepmom lying in order to manipulate you (or in order to get others to manipulate you) is a risk you may have to run if you want to get out. Which might be a really scary thing to contemplate doing, especially since I get the feeling that she has a history of lying to hurt others. And, of course, you have a better sense of the specific risks you might run, but getting out should remain your goal. Be aware that if she senses you trying to leave, she will likely increase her lying and manipulation, so that's something to prepare for.

Given everything we've discussed, what is the way we could best help you right now?

[kreed95]

As of right now I am just talking with my fiancé trying to get him to understand. Trying to get the help I need physically. Trying to ignore the thoughts of my mind because they aren't needed. And think of what to pack that I have taken before. That they wont care about.

[Sam W]

Asking your fiance for help is a really sound step to take. Do you feel like her understands why you need to get out but isn't sure how to help, or if he's not understanding the situation?

In addition to the safety planning resource, here are a few other resources that might help you right now: https://www.womenshelters.org/sta/alabama
http://www.ywcabham.org/domestic-violen ... d-programs (I'm not quite sure what part of Alabama you're in, but any YWCA is a good resource if you can get to it)

[kreed95]

I do feel like his understandings will help. He is a amazing and gentle soul. He also has known my family for 4 years so he knows exactly how bad it gets. He has seen my dad punch me in the nose and then kick me out.

[Heather]

Perhaps you could ask for his help in getting yourself connected with the kinds of help listed above? Sometimes it's a lot easier to take that kind of positive risk with a wingman, as it were.

[kreed95]

As of right now he is helping me look for helping coping with the rape. And granted he doesn't know much at all. It helps somewhat knowing I have support. Since I was shut down by my parents 10 years ago when it was happening.

[Sam W]

I'm glad he wants to be supportive and understanding. You may want to share some of the resources we've given you with him so that the two of you can make an informed plan together. Like Heather said, this kind of process easier with help.

Beyond possibly finding you a few more local resources to connect to, is there anything else you'd like support around right now?