Want Sex, Can't Get It

[Blokesprite]

Hello! I'm female, 19 years old, never had a boyfriend before and a virgin. The reason for this is because I just never really developed attraction to anyone and in their turn others don't pay a lot of attention to me.

I am currently residing in a foreign country for my studies, pursuing bachelor's degree. I'm in my third year, and in forth year I will most likely leave to another city/country for an internship for a few months; I'm also not sure if I'll stay in this country after finishing studies as it depends on whether I'll find a job. Even if I'll have to go back to my country of origin I'll keep trying to find a job abroad. So, as you can see, a lot of moving around.

I want to have sex, but feel like I just don't have any opportunity. As you can see there is little point in getting a boyfriend since I'll be constantly moving around in the nearest future; even without taking this into account, there are no available people around who I am attracted to yet. So far the only person I have developed a very strong attraction to is a friend of mine who is not available for a relationship. We once discussed a possibility of doing friends with benefits together, but I rejected - many experienced people have difficulties maintaining this kind of relationship and get hurt, so a virgin I am will most certainly fail miserably. Plus my suspicions I had/have crush on him, plus the fact that I value having him in my life as a friend and don't want to lose him should we mess up as fwb.

So, in short, I want to have sex and most preferably while I'm still in my teens, but it's not likely I'll get a relationship in the nearest future. I only see two possibilities: either have casual sex and get hurt or suck it up and stay a virgin until I am at least 21.

Maybe I'm missing something and there is some kind of solution I ignore? If there is none, is casual sex (as well as suggesting it to that particular guy) an option?

[Sam W]

Hi Blokesprite,

You've pretty much hit on the two main options: wait until an opportunity arises, or go looking for one that has a high chance of being casual. Whether or not the casual option is the right choice for you depends on your own wants and needs, as well as your own comfort with pursuing a casual relationship. That type of relationship certainly can work, and we have this article about how to make it do so Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex , but it's not for everybody.

It think it may also help to clarify for yourself whether you're only looking for a sexual relationship, or if what you really want is a long-term (or short term) romantic partner. Is there one of those options that you prefer, or do they feel equally desirable to you?

[Blokesprite]

Dear Sam W,

I think I don't want a long-term relationship at this point. While it would be nice to find a long-lasting love somewhere in the future, right now I want to experience being with different people, otherwise I'm pretty sure it would feel like I missed out a lot.

Short-term relationship sounds better, because it involves affection which I would most probably like together with sex, and I'll also avoid having to constantly question myself about whether I am developing feelings for this person or not, together with pain I would experience if I were to fall for them. Not to mention it would be great for my current situation with all the moving around. The problem with this is that I find it weird approaching people with a suggestion like "would you like to date me for 2-6 months?". I may be wrong, but I always felt like relationships become long or short-term organically, not because people agreed to make it such from the beginning.

Casual sex (I will be talking about friends with benefits scenario here as I am uncomfortable with doing a one night stand for my first time) sounds alright for me on paper, but as I mentioned my main problem with this is that there is a very high possibility I may get hurt. I also can't deny that I would really love some affection too (cuddling, sleeping together) and this is something that can increase the risk of developing feelings towards my partner. I also know I can get a bit obsessive with people, so that makes me feel even more doubtful about this option.

So, in short, the best would be having a small romantic relationship, or a fwb where I can be sure the possibility of me ending up hurt is low or at most 50%, and even if I do end up that way I'll be able to cope with it and manage it the best way possible.

[Heather]

It really is okay -- and not something that is never done -- to tell someone from the front that you're only where you are currently and available for a few months, and then let them decide if that sounds desirable to them or not depending on what they want. As well, while how long relationships last isn't always something people do or can pre-arrange from the start, it is actually pretty common for people to say what they ideally want fairly early on in that regard. Especially among people more likely to get what they want.

You're also not the only person ever who wants what you do, but you know at least one person who does (yourself), so it shouldn't be that hard to believe other people might want similar things.

In terms of considerations about potentially experiencing heartbreak or other kinds of emotional hurt, I think this is something where you both want to consider if the potential benefits are worth it, but also if the possible kind of heartbreak is something beneficial or not. After all, this kind of hurt isn't always a bad thing or something to avoid: sometimes it can make our lives richer -- particularly if it's part of getting other happier stuff -- and help us grow.

[Siân]

Hi Blokesprite!

I just wanted to butt-in on the subject of short-term romantic relationships. Heather is totally right, saying to someone from the beginning "this relationship is important to me here and now, and I also believe it will be short term" is a very real option. Acknowledging that maybe it will be temporary doesn't have to make it any less real or important. In fact, agreeing what you want early on, and being willing to open up the discussions again occasionally if things change sounds to me like a great way to build a relationship on mutual respect, honesty and understanding!

I've had these conversations, had short term romantic relationships and yes, they're not for everyone but no relationship model is. Knowing that it's temporary from the beginning doesn't mean that when it ends you won't miss them for a while, that there isn't a grieving process as with any big life change but sometimes we get to say "the ending won't be fun, but having this now will be worth it". If you meet someone who feels the same, go for it!