Feeling Guilty

[coliecoleco]

I've just recently discovered your site, and I want to first give you tons of kudos. I wish I had a site like this when I was younger. It is a great resource and I've found it extremely helpful in the past couple of weeks when my anxiety has been at an all time high.

I am 27 years old and two weeks ago I had sex for the first time, with my first ever boyfriend. I'm a late bloomer. I love my bf very much, and he has been nothing but sweet, gentle, kind, and oh so patient with me. I honestly could not have asked for a better guy and I feel so lucky. Even luckier, he was also a virgin. I was worried I would panic and never be able to go through with having sex, but I honestly feel so comfortable with him, and we have such a trust and strong bond between us. I am on birth control pills, that I take regularly and so far have never missed a day (occasionally have taken them at different times, but strive to take it on the same time everyday for my own peace of mind). Our first time was a heat of the moment kind of thing, but since we were both virgins and I was on the pill, I didn't worry about him not having a condom. He also withdrew well before ejaculating inside of me (because I did get a little freaked out, and he immediately stopped). I felt extremely happy after and just so loved. It was peaceful.

However, a few days later the guilt started to eat away at me, and I started to panic that I had instantaneously gotten pregnant as some sort of punishment(I have since had my period (4 days after having sex, I started to bleed and I had still had a few active pills left which freaked me out a bit)--though I'm STILL convinced I'm pregnant and it was just implantation bleeding Oh, I Web-Md'd A LOT. and Then, I was convinced just by thinking I could will a pregnancy out of thin air and that made me panic even more). I don't know why I feel so guilty about what I did, because I feel that I waited until I truly felt ready and I was with someone who I knew loved and cared about me and I felt the same about him. And we are both consenting adults (Seriously, I don't even want to know how crazed I would be if I were 10 years younger and lost my virginity in high school. I would have been such a hot mess) I don't regret my decision, but I do hate feeling this way. I hate that my anxiety kind of ruined my first time. I guess what I wanted to ask was Does the guilt ever go away? Will I ever feel normal about having sex? Does it get easier? We haven't done anything since that first time,and again my bf has been so patient and kind about it. He told me until i'm really ready, we can stop and slow down. I know you probably can't answer any of these questions, but I'm the kind of person who needs constant reassurance that I didn't do anything wrong, and to be told that it is pretty close to impossible for me to be pregnant, considering all of the above.

I just needed to write it all out for my own sake, so thank you to whomever reads this long rambling mess. You guys are great and keep up the excellent work you are doing.

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen and thank you so much for the kudos! I am glad to hear that you are finding the site so helpful.

Do you experience anxiety like this in other areas of your life? Or is this the first time that something like this is happening to you?

To get us started, I am linking you to an article that lists a few reasons for why people might experience anxiety around pregnancy even when they know they cannot be. If any of that sounds familiar, we'll be happy to talk about it with you further!
You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are?

[coliecoleco]

Thank you so much for your quick reply!

That was actually one of the articles that I had read on my obsessive googling. It did help me relax for a little while and definitely sounded familiar. Then, I went right back to over thinking things and asking a million what ifs.

"What if that wasn't my period and it was implantation bleeding"
"What if the pharmacy gave me a faulty pill pack?"
"What if I DIDN't take my pill properly?" etc.

I do have a history of generalized anxiety, and was on medicine for it while in college and a little while after. I stopped taking it because I was starting to feel better, and wanted to see if I could handle my anxiety without medication. And, it was working, until I got a boyfriend and it opened a flood gate of new worries.

Once I get a thought in my head (usually a not so good one) I obsessively think about it, until I know without an absolute doubt that it cannot and will not come true.

And,it's frustrating because I do want to have a happy and healthy sex life (especially since I waited SO long to find the right person and the right moment) and I don't want to feel like I deserve to be punished every time I have sex, I just don't know if there are any tricks of the trade that can help me relax and just go with the flow more? I know you cannot answer "How can I stop worrying about EVERYTHING" but if you have any good calming techniques that would be helpful.

[Karyn]

You can start here, and see if any of these things work for you: Self-Care a La Carte

If you have a history of anxiety, and find that it's cropping up again around this, then it wouldn't hurt to check in with a therapist, who will be able to work with you to develop more techniques you can use to deal with your anxiety. You don't necessarily need to go on medication again, unless you feel like you need it, but even a few appointments with a therapist can be extremely helpful.

I know you want to be able to be sexual with your boyfriend, but you might also want to consider taking a break from the kinds of sexual activity that are making you anxious until you've figured out a few ways to manage your anxiety. Continuing to have sex when it's stressing you out this much isn't worth it, seriously.