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[tadpole86]

Hello, and thank you for switching me up from my newbie status! Also, the new site looks great!

Over the past year or so, I'd like to think that a lot of things have changed for me. As most of you know, I'm in a casual sexual relationship with someone I cared for very much. Right now, though, I find myself really not invested in it. It took me a VERY long time to come to these conclusions, but I'm growing tired of all of his demands (for instance, texts at 2 AM asking me to have sex with him, and I'm half-asleep and incoherent). Plus, I'm growing really angry at his lack of respect for me. If I say "no" to a meeting, he won't talk to me for days or even weeks. He is so off and on, and does not "like" using condoms. I've decided finally that this is NOT okay with me. He won't even consider it, even if I buy and bring them. It's too much of a drain on my sanity. I would worry every time we had sex. Plus, a long time ago, he told me he didn't want to have penis-in-vagina sex; because he was afraid "to impregnate me." I had finally become a little less paranoid about that kind of sex - and had actually wanted to do that kind more often - and then he pulled that on me. It definitely aided some worry to come back; and I was upset. I don't know, I think I really liked him a lot - maybe even loved him in my own weird way of loving someone who honestly couldn't give a darn about you as long as you were willing to have sex - but now I just don't really care that much. I still like him a little bit I guess, but I'm just tired of this relationship. If he had given in at least once - and had stuck to that (for instance, about using condoms; about not being so now-or-never when it came to hanging out); then maybe I would consider continuing on this relationship. But he hasn't. And I've been doing this for maybe four years. It's kind of sad because I guess I've grown accustomed to having him in my life, but I feel like I'm growing out of this.

I've realized a few things. I don't think I can handle a casual sexual relationship. I tried to convince myself that I could, but I don't think I can. Sex for me equals a lot of emotion, intimacy, and respect; and for my partner, he never felt those things for me. Maybe I continued with this because I wanted him to change his mind, but I know now that he won't. Maybe I could handle a casual thing if the other party was really into respecting me, meeting boundaries, and not driving me insane; but I still think that I'm not cut out for this. Sex to me also equals some kind of commitment, and casual relationships don't seem to (in my opinion, but I can be wrong) equal commitment.

I think it is time that I start moving on from casual sex and start looking for a relationship. I've also been rationalizing to myself for years, thinking, "A boyfriend is too much work. Too much drama. Then all my friends would know about him. Casual sex is easier. There are no strings." But I WANTED strings with this guy, and he only kept me around most likely because he wanted sex and I was there to give it. I mean, sure, we are friends, but he wouldn't talk to me unless there was sex involved. We don't really have that much in common, except maybe video games and getting annoyed at some of the same stuff. Anyway, the point is, I've finally realized that what I really want is a romantic relationship, where the person I'm with feels the same for me (or, since I love deeply apparently, at least has the same type of feelings that I have for him).

A sort of catalyst to all of these changes happened about nine or so months ago, when I started to catch up with a friend from university. I had liked him off and on when I was in school, but due to outside factors, I just never declared myself. We became closer as friends and I realized that not only did I like this guy, I really wanted to date him; and I found myself realizing that I didn't mind giving up my casual partner (the safety/comfort of four years... Not "actual" comfort, but the familiar, you know?) in order to even have one date with this guy. The complicated thing was that he is abroad at the moment. He's coming home in a few months, but anyway, that was a factor. So I decided to ask him out (he had already suggested hanging out when he got back, but I wanted to up the ante, so to speak). I asked him, as casually as I could, how he'd feel about going on a date or something similar when he got back; and if he wanted to stay friends, I completely respected that. He asked for time to think about it; and while we still talked and things were fine during that time for him to think, I was still wondering what was going to happen. He then told me that he would be interested in a date, so other than lots of excitement and some shock, I began to process a lot of stuff at once.

Even if this guy hadn't come into the picture, I still think I would've come to these conclusions about my partner. It might not have been exactly like this, but part of me still thinks I would have come to these decisions eventually; without any "help" from someone else. It's hard for me to let go but even if things fall through with Abroad Guy, I still want to pursue a romantic relationship now; and though there were some good times in my casual sex relationship, I pretty much want out.

That brings me to kind of a stressful topic: how do I even end things? It's not a relationship, we're not dating, he doesn't love me. Part of me just thinks that he won't even care - he may call me names, he may be mad, but he won't feel bad or care that much - whereas the other part of me is kind of scared he'll retaliate. He knows stuff about me and we've both swapped photos before; so part of me is worried he might post stuff or get really vindictive (I know this kind of thing is pretty dicey; but yeah). Of course, that's illegal; and since he's the only one to whom I've ever sent anything, it wouldn't be hard to accuse him (and I would always make sure to keep my face/any identifying things out of photos). I'm really embarrassed to admit that (apparently a lot of people do it, but I hated doing it and only mostly did it because he asked); but I feel that it's pertinent to this conversation. Anyway, part of me just thinks that I can shoot him a text, saying something like, "I've come to realize that I want to be in a relationship, and since I know you don't want that from me, as much fun as we've had, I think we should stop hanging out." (I want to kind of shift the blame onto myself here, for my own protection. If I say it like that, it will sound more like I have no choice; and I'm hoping it will make him less angry. Or he may not even care. No idea.) Am I overreacting? Will he probably not care, and nothing will happen to me? I don't want to tell him about Abroad Guy.

Also, I feel guilty. Though my partner and I never dated, I started pursuing somebody else in the process (though I have not seen him since Abroad Guy had agreed to go on a date when he got back). Plus, I feel worse because I'm pursuing a really nice, intelligent, caring guy - someone who would never put me through the ringer like my partner has - and I'm technically still in a casual relationship, despite not seeing him very often at the moment. Should I feel guilty? Am I a bad person? I get that casual sex relationships are about no strings (for some? Most?) and that I was never dating my partner (plus, years ago, he kind of did the same thing to me. I'm not getting back at him at all - this just happened. As I've said, I liked this friend from school off and on and the feelings just came back, tenfold.) I feel like I'm cheating on Abroad Guy despite the fact that we're not dating; and on my partner despite the fact that we're not dating. *smacks head on desk*

Okay, so I think I'm done now. Sorry that this was so long! Please send me your thoughts. I just want some peace of mind.

[Sam W]

Hi tadpole,

So, first off, I don't think you need to feel bad about ending things with casual guy. It's pretty normal at this stage in life for people to be working out what, exactly, they want from a relationship, and for two people who's wants overlapped at one point to find that those wants no longer do so. I think you just be straight-forward with casual guy (I think the script you had was good). I do want to check, how high do you think the odds are that he'll try to do something vindictive? Is he the kind of person who does that a lot, or is he pretty mellow (in your experience)?

I also think it might be good for you to read this article. It might not necessarily be relevant right this instant, but something I'm noticing from your post was that there seems to have been a lack of clearly defined boundaries in your relationship with casual dude. So taking some time to learn both how to figure out what type of relationship model sounds good to you, and how to talk about forming that model with a partner (or partners) might be something you find helpful.
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

[tadpole86]

Hi Sam!

Thank you so much for your response! I appreciate you telling me that I need not feel guilty. It took me a long time to admit that my relationship with my partner was not working. To him, it's probably more normal than it is for me; as he truly has no strings and doesn't have the kind of outlook on sex that I have. Which is fine, it works for him - it just doesn't for me. I feel badly a bit because I really cared for him, and it sucked for a long time (and still does, a little) that he never had those feelings for me... But I even considered, what would a relationship with him look like? And I didn't like what I saw. He'd probably do a lot of the same stuff; and even if he didn't, I know what his end game is and what he's like as a person; and I don't think I'd feel comfortable even in a romantic relationship with him. I don't trust him a lot, and I'd probably feel very worried if we were dating (i.e. because I wouldn't know what he'd do with other girls, etc.). Did that script I wrote sound too "rehearsed?" I just feel like if I told him about Abroad Guy, there's a chance he "might" be mad or vindictive. But he's unpredictable - I can't always gauge his reactions.

As far as him being vindictive, he's been known to pull some stupid stuff (play tricks on people. It was years ago but still); but I doubt he'd do anything illegal like post photos. We're in a very secretive casual relationship - our parents and families don't know, because both sides would blow up if they ever found out. So him risking detection by posting stuff would just be suicide. His parents would NOT be happy. That's one reason why he wouldn't do anything. He may get mad and call me names or something, but maybe he wouldn't go as far as to be cruel. Another point is that he and my brother despise each other. If my brother found out he did that or anything vindictive, that would also cause him to get into trouble. I'm assuming he deletes our sexts/photos because we are both paranoid of someone looking through our phones; so maybe I'm just being paranoid. I never kept anything he sent me because 1) I felt like I was being creepy if I kept them, and 2) I didn't want anyone seeing them.

One thing that kind of stuck with me was when I told my friend (who knows about my situation with my partner) about Abroad Guy. One of his first questions was, "What about _______?" I told him I would just end things; and his response was, "He'll be pissed." I asked, "Why? He doesn't like me or anything." My friend said, "It doesn't matter. He's getting something for free,[ and then he wouldn't be]." (That's probably how my partner thinks...) That's only his opinion, but it could be what my partner would think. But he doesn't want to risk his parents finding out, because he'd be in just as much - if not more - trouble as I would be (our families are conservative. It's kind of a long, interconnected story. Plus, his parents know and like me, and... Yeah. Complicated.).

Thank you for the article! I do believe that had been recommended to me to read in the past. I will read it, for sure. I tried expressing boundaries with him but he just walked all over them; and I know that's not all his fault - it's mine, too, for not enforcing them. I kept trying to talk/beg him to at least use a flipping condom, but it was just exhausting and he would never listen. I just want to be with someone who will actually care about what I'm talking about.

[Heather]

I am on a leave right now, but have been checking in on and off, and while I am sure you know this already, I just had to say how very, very happy I am to see you starting to come to these conclusions and to ready yourself for taking some steps to advocate for yourself, steps I have been hoping for you for a very long time.

Biggest of props to you Copper/tadpole! Seriously, this is great news for you and your life.

Long story short, this guy has been a jerk for a very long time, so I would figure what you should aim for per putting this to an end is just what feels best for you. As you know, you cannot control another person's behaviour, and your influence on this guy has always been minimal, despite your efforts being at a maximum. So, no matter what you do, he may respond poorly, just like he often has when you have been together. Seems to me you have wasted way more of your fair share of time and energy in trying to get this guy to behave like something other than a douchebag, honestly. I would encourage you to stop ASAP, including in your decisions for yourself in finally getting free of this and pursuing relationships with people who will treat you with respect and care right at the gate.

So do this in whatever way YOU feel best about, saying your truth and what you want to say, shutting the door in whatever way you feel able to do so. You have shown this person great care throughtout, despite them infrequently doing the same. I do not think you need to worry about being callous: that's him, not you.

[tadpole86]

Heather!

So nice to hear from you again! I truly appreciate you taking the time to message me here, especially since you are on leave!

Thank you for your kind words. I know you've been advocating for me to take these steps... And a lot of me wishes I could've done this sooner. He'll never change and I'm starting to get to the point where I honestly couldn't give a crap, you know? It was nice around the beginning, but something happened down the line that he just became manipulative and outrageously inflexible about anything and everything. I'm tired of being crapped on, and there were definitely things he wanted me to do that I did NOT want to do - and I didn't always have the courage to say "no." For some other things (threesomes) I firmly said "no," but I wish I could've said "no" much sooner. I was always afraid that if I stayed firm about a boundary that he would leave... But now, I just think, "Fine, go ahead!" because I'm really not in the mood.

I want to end things with him as soon as I can, but in the next week there's this big event that he will most likely be going to, and his family and mutual friends will be there. I don't know if I can handle doing that and then seeing him so quickly afterwards. But still, I want to get this over with so I can start feeling better alone. Plus, I realized that the sex stopped being pleasurable for me. Sure, there were things he did that were always good; but I can honestly do without the sex until I find someone who will treat me better.

I do like that you called him a jerk and a douchebag. My brother called him a snake once... Which at the time, I thought was mean. Now, I think it's kind of funny. It's hard to shake off the last remnants of feelings I have - I guess when you're invested in someone for so long, it's like a habit - but I'm much happier now with the thought of having no one than at the thought of having him. It's not like he was ever really a support for me. We rarely talked about anything.

Oh crap. Also, he was in this really bad accident about a year ago, and he's finally better (it's been a while now that he is feeling better)... Does this make my decision any meaner? But on second thought, it probably doesn't. I still went to see him and we had sex even when he was injured and he couldn't drive to see me, and him being that way in the past doesn't really change much. Or anything.

Thank you again for your sincerity and for rooting for me! I really appreciate it! And even if things with my friend abroad do not work out, at least I can be free to do whatever I want and look for a relationship that will be meaningful for me. I've felt trapped and isolated for a really long time. I actually think I was really in an abusive relationship; and I never even truly accepted that. I think I started feeling worse about myself when I was with him. There were a few times when I'd send him pictures and he'd say, "Send something sexier." ... And that was just equivalent to someone punching me in the face. It infuriates me sometimes that I gave him my virginity. But I remember you talking about how "your first time" with someone happens every single time you enter into a new relationship. That helps.

[Heather]

My professionalism does have a bit of a breaking point: we have watched you agonize over this guy for such a long time, and you have endlessly reported things about him that are so yuck, that alas, I have moved on from "not a good partner" to less savory and objective terms.

You know, I want to mention too, that it will happen sometimes in life that you only have sexual feelings or desires for someone who has those for you, too, but also has feelings and desires you do not share, like romantic feelings and/or the desire for a more serious relationship.

And here's what people with half a crumb of care or ethics do about that: as soon as you know that's the case, you bring it up to the other person, you make clear you do NOT want or feel those things, and you suggest that since they do, having sex together probably isn't such a good idea, because you can get what you want and need, but they really can't. It's a little awkward, but it's not a very challenging thing to do, seriously. I've done it myself a couple times in life and not only is it no big whoop, it's just something you do to be a decent person who considers the feelings of others. IMO, if you don't do that, and keep that other person hanging on a thread because they meet your needs, see them miserable but make no move to change anything because you're not miserable? You're being seriously shitty. and probably don't have much of a conscience, because if you had one, doing that would make you feel really lousy.

Him having been in a bad accident changes nothing here. People who are struggling with illness or in bad accidents don't get some kind of pass to exploit other people and emotionally abuse them, or get sex with someone they are hurting as a consolation prize. Plus, he did all that before his accident.

It's not mean to put an end to something that has made you very unhappy for a long time. It's not mean to get away from someone who does not care about you are treats you poorly. It's not mean to leave emotional or verbal abuse.

And this guy no longer getting sex from you -- since that's all that really has ever seemed to happen in this relationship -- is not you "being mean." You do not owe him or anyone else sex just because they want it.