Self-worth that isn't dependent on a man

[milkybarlife]

Although this has happened with many of my exes before, it didn't matter then because at the time they truly were wrong for me. But now this same thing is beginning to happen with my current boyfriend and, as there is nothing fundamentally wrong with us, I am starting to realise a pattern - and my own part in it.

Basically I am a woman who's never really been comfortable with commitment - I usually feel trapped quite easily, and my instinct in times of stress when I feel I can't cope is to run away. Although throughout the years I have become more mature, and am able to step back most of the time and evaluate my feelings - I recognise that this is my default instinct. I fear being suffocated and I usually have this blueprint of relationships as being something where you 'sacrifice' yourself and lose yourself. Previously I have either blamed it on the person (and in previous times I was right - this reaction made me realise genuine things that was wrong in our relationship and the way they treated me), or I blamed it on just the nature of relationships in general. But now, while logically and emotionally evaluating my current relationship, being with a partner who I have been able to achieve an extraordinary amount of closeness and intimacy despite my disposition (we lived together for 6 months which previously I considered my worst fear/nightmare) - I realised this was coming from me.

The past few months I started feeling trapped, suffocated and like I had lost myself. So after 6 months of living together I moved back home, because whatever was wrong - I didn't want to risk resenting my boyfriend simply because of a premature situation (we only moved in after 6 months of being together) or because of personal issues.

So while I have been living at home I realised that to some extent I did lose myself and felt suffocated, but it was out of the choices I made. This was very strange to realise considering that I normally think myself to be an extremely independent person, a feminist, etc. However, although I preach a lot about independence, when I got into my current relationship, I suddenly began to immerse so much of myself in it.

A lot of it was out of excitement - I wanted to just be with him and do everything with him, and thus for a long time I neglected my own hobbies. I felt embarrassed about some of them actually for a while and even when I began to have more time, I felt like it wasn't something I should 'do' because it was so silly and 'insignificant', now that I had a boyfriend (like watching anime, chatting with online friends etc). So instead I focused all of my activities on what we could do together.

But also, I realised I wasn't just doing everything with him, I was doing everything for him. I feel that my very traditional background had subconsciously penetrated me despite me being so against it, because when I moved in I had the sudden pressure and urge to cook and clean all the time even though I felt angry that I was doing most of it, and I silently resented him. I didn't know how to stop myself!

In other words, I kept giving too much and I wasn't sure how to stop, even when the excitement settled down. The times I have talked to my boyfriend about this he has been nothing but supportive, and although I did the majority of housework etc, this is not to say that he is unclean or untidy. He matches me enough that the 6 months we did live together went as harmoniously as it could possibly be considering my personal issues. He is a very considerate and open person.

When I realised I had lost myself, doing not only everything with only him or for him, I spoke to my boyfriend. Even then I was still a little ashamed, but I just felt too bad to keep it in anymore and finally almost a whopping 10 months into the relationship I discussed with him that I need my own 'me time'. I had already been making space for him to have his hobbies (playing games, watching football), but I had suspended my own hobbies. I realised this was partly due to the fact I was studying so much and busy with uni, so I filled the gaps of him playing games etc with studying and still never got a release of my own. He understood and supported me wholeheartedly, so I started incorporating more of of my hobbies, realising I need a break from studying as well as my boyfriend. Better late than never. However, here and there the feeling of being trapped and bored stayed.

I felt more and more that I missed being single, and even though my boyfriend is thoughtful and surprises me constantly by showing me how much he listens to our discussions, I kept being internally frustrated. I tried to reflect on why this was - I could still do everything I could when I was single - so far all the things I had been limited in were because I had stopped myself. I still loved him and had a deep connection, yet I still craved and missed being single. I realised the only thing I couldn't do, which is what I missed, was having the attention of other guys. I had started to feel so stale despite my boyfriend being thoughtful, open, and basically just the best boyfriend and that I could incorporate my hobbies back into my life. I had the urge to flirt, to just have something new. Not because I wanted another man, but I don't know, I just wanted new attention to feel special.

This really confused me. Long story short - after major reflection, I realised that my fear of commitment was connected to this. I continuously start feeling trapped after a certain amount of time because being in a relationship cuts me off not just from myself but from the attention of other guys. At the start of a relationship it's new and the most special thing but naturally that settles, so I start missing the new thing. Somehow this makes me feel special and I've linked it to my sense of self-worth. Although my boyfriend can do all the things that these new guys can do (sexually, emotionally, everything), it still will never be fully new, therefore it won't feel as 'special' and 'rare'. I realised I've somehow tied my sense of self-worth to this?

This realisation shocked me because to think I would rely my self-worth onto a guy when I'm the one who wants to be single and not in a relationship seemed counter-intuitive. But then I realised that even when I'm single, I'm never 'single'. Single never meant being away from a guy, it just meant being able seek more of a varied attention from guys to continuously keep me buffered. And the longer I was away from that the more old and boring I felt. Definitely eye-opening for me. It's definitely not healthy that I only feel 'youthful' and 'alive' and 'worthy' - as though I am doing something with purpose - when I have the attentions of new men to continuously reaffirm my worth. Although my boyfriend can say everyday that I am beautiful etc, and still does little things to make me happy, for some reason this did not make me feel 'better' because he was not new.

Although after further reflection, this sort of behaviour and idea made sense as my upbringing hasn't exactly been an example of stability, both due to my role models being people who could never maintain stable relationships, and also from the fact that I physically have moved a lot while growing up, my problem is not in evaluating this anymore. I know that my self-worth needs to come from me. And although I know it's not my boyfriend, I'm going to continue to live on my own as I know I need my own space right now in order to build my own self-worth without the distractions of living with someone else.

But, how do I do it? This is pretty new to me...

How do I build my own self-worth which isn't attached to guys whether I am in a relationship or not? How can I still feel sexy, new, fresh, special, like I am progressing and important? How do I feel like what I do is worth while? It feels so stupid for me to ask this because again, I've never been one of those 'fake' people who chases and begs to be loved, yet I've realised that in other ways I've been seeking confirmation from men. I really want to grow from this. I've already started to be more open with my boyfriend and have discussed all of this with him - and I feel I am able to because he is so open to suggestions in our relationship, whether that be sexually or emotionally so I don't truly feel 'stuck' because of him. But I'm just not sure how to begin to go about this now.

Sorry for this long post. Please help.

[Heather]

Before anything else, I want you to put this new Kesha tune on repeat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXyA4MXKIKo

Maybe for as long as we're having a conversation here, maybe for hours, or days, or even weeks. Trust me on this one. I think it may well be your perfect musical anthem/mantra right now.

It's good to see you again, though I'm kind of sorry this is why. Only kind of, though, because it sounds to me like you're sitting at a pretty great possible turning point which, if you can just even start turning that corner, is probably going to result in some great things for you.

So, this is a LOT to talk about, obviously, and not something we're likely to just settle in a couple exchanges. But to get the ball rolling, I wonder if you could think a little about what other things maybe at least come close in creating feelings of vitality and self-worth and aliveness like you get from sexual attention?

(Btw, I don't think there is anything on earth wrong with getting those things from sexual attention: it's okay for you to want and enjoy that, and okay for you to get positive things from that, including some nice jolts to your self-esteem. But, like you make so clear, that being the ONLY place is a problem for a whole bunch of reasons, including that that kind of attention often isn't about us as much, period, as it is about the other person.)

[milkybarlife]

Before anything else, I want you to put this new Kesha tune on repeat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXyA4MXKIKo

Maybe for as long as we're having a conversation here, maybe for hours, or days, or even weeks. Trust me on this one. I think it may well be your perfect musical anthem/mantra right now.

It's good to see you again, though I'm kind of sorry this is why. Only kind of, though, because it sounds to me like you're sitting at a pretty great possible turning point which, if you can just even start turning that corner, is probably going to result in some great things for you.

So, this is a LOT to talk about, obviously, and not something we're likely to just settle in a couple exchanges. But to get the ball rolling, I wonder if you could think a little about what other things maybe at least come close in creating feelings of vitality and self-worth and aliveness like you get from sexual attention?

(Btw, I don't think there is anything on earth wrong with getting those things from sexual attention: it's okay for you to want and enjoy that, and okay for you to get positive things from that, including some nice jolts to your self-esteem. But, like you make so clear, that being the ONLY place is a problem for a whole bunch of reasons, including that that kind of attention often isn't about us as much, period, as it is about the other person.)

Hi Heather, thanks for your reply! It's good to hear from you too, and I have to say that this song is fabulous. It definitely gets me in that right mindset.

That would be a good starting point. A couple of years ago, I could have said that I have a lot of passions and the main one was psychology. I had this big ambition that I wanted to help people and I was very good at it (it was my goal since highschool and eventually went to community college for this purpose, then completed a few years of it in uni with amazing grades etc) however I dropped out of this at a surprising turn of events when I realised I was only so obsessed with this subject because it made me feel worthy to help others and not because I really wanted to or gained enjoyment from it. It was always so toxic to me and I would always 'burn myself', so to speak, in order to help others. It just ended up being another sacrificial thing.

Because of this mindset, the 'friends' I ended up making were often people I realise now were just 'clients'. It is quite shocking to realise that I never really had a meaningful relationship that wasn't tied to me getting some sort of validation from it. I didn't do this knowingly or maliciously, though. To go back to my pretty chaotic upbringing where I was constantly moving, I think it was sort of because I always had the feeling I never belonged. Although at the time I thought my interest and passion in this was genuine, I later admitted to myself that it was only because it was the only way I thought that I could interact and be accepted by people, if I could offer them something like that. If I could be a tool.

After speaking to a few close people to me and them bringing up the concept that friendship is supposed to be simply a relationship in which you relate to someone, not where you have to give exchanges and earn that friendship, I finally realised that, lol. Saying all this I feel like a bear who has just come out of a cave LOL. I've honestly never felt so stupid. Although I clearly have a similar mindset of sacrifice with romantic relationships, at least I have been able to build very meaningful relationships with my partners despite that - but on the friend front I am still a complete newbie. Thankfully I have one female cousin who is basically my sister, and I am really close with her, so I am glad I at least have that example. It's the only relationship I have which isn't related to what we can do for each other.

Anyway, I am now on the 'English literature route' and it has been a great journey - I am actually almost finished with my degree. However, although I like it and I'm almost finished with it, I wouldn't say I have any crazy ambition with it or that I get a sense of purpose from it. I am actually a little afraid to tie my sense of purpose to anything like that after what happened last time. It doesn't feel so bad not knowing or anything, I sort of like the journey and going with the flow - but it certainly means I have no real passion or 'purpose', and whenever I'm not busy with uni, I get incredibly restless and wish I was working, doing something meaningful etc. It literally becomes a problem every summer. I feel suspended, like I'm not doing anything etc.

So that aspect of career was really the only other thing I gained a lot of sense of self worth from. Other than that, I can't say that I feel I get a sense of self worth from other things in my life currently. I do have a lot of hobbies, I just don't feel I get that sense from them (probably why it is so easy for me to stop once I become busy or in a relationship etc..). For example, I really like photography or experimenting creatively with pretty much anything (sketching, painting, etc). I love going to the gym - I suppose running is the only other thing that makes me feel alive and new. Physically using my body in that way makes me feel powerful, youthful, etc, but it's a temporary thing, and I eat healthy etc, but it's just part of my lifestyle rather than something I actively do for self worth. Maybe these things don't make me feel worthy because I don't get some sort of 'validation' from it from other people, which is a really annoying realisation!

So short answer - I don't really know. At the moment, nothing else really makes me feel as validated and fresh and new, as that.

As for the friend thing though - although I realised that stuff a while ago, I hadn't really come out of my shell because I was just neglecting things for my bf etc. But since I spoke with my boyfriend about taking more time for myself, I've been trying to make more connections and give people a chance from my class, and I've realised that this makes me so happy when I achieve it. Not because I feel like it gives me some sort of validation but because it just makes me feel connected.. like my life just opens up. Doesn't feel part of a formula or a cage anymore. I hate being in my head so much.

I realised my previous mindset made me really competitive with other girls and go against them, so instead I've been trying to see them as sisters or how I see my female cousin, and it is the number one thing which has given me a totally new outlook in life. I always felt like girls hate me, but I realised that was just me closing myself up and perceiving it that way. As soon as I became open to it, I realised that girls want to be friends, and having girl friends is the best thing ever, and I really hope I can continue to grow that. (I recognise part of why I feel like that is because of the way girls are socialised. Why is our society like that!? I'm 23 years of age and I've only just started seeing girls as friends and not enemies!)

[Heather]

I don't want to shortcut you given all you shared here, so since it's the end of my day and I'm heading out, going to save this for tomorrow.

(The whole album is amazing, by the way!)

[Sam W]

Hi Milkybarlife, I hope you don't mind me jumping in with a few thoughts here.

I understand the hesitancy to attach a sense of purpose to you work or your career, especially when you fear that the attachment is to the idea being valuable rather than the work itself (which is a little bit what it sounds like you're expressing). For what it's worth, I think a lot of people who go into "helping" professions like psychology do get a feeling of validation or worth from being useful to others, or from feeling like they're needed. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, at least in small doses (in the field I come from, the running joke is that it's good that there are emotional rewards from the work because the pay is often pretty low). But it sounds like you, wisely, recognized that a part of what was driving you in that profession was setting you up for burn out, and you made the choice to pull back. I wonder then, are there ways for you to experiment with introducing some of those same feelings of validation or worthwhileness into your current career path? Ones that wouldn't see you throwing your mental and emotional energy into your career full-tilt, but would give you a chance to find places here and there to combine the things that drew you to psychology with what you hope to do in the future.

Too, I wonder if there are ways that you could use your new-found perspective on female friendships to help you find new avenues of connection and fulfillment in your life. You're right that it's totally bogus that women are socialized to view each other as competition, and by realizing that fact you've actually opened up so brand-new ways to connect with others. Since it sounds like you have a few different hobbies, are there any opportunities you can think of to do those hobbies in the company of others, particularly other women? For example, I've known women who formed running clubs, where they could get the all the positive feelings of a run along with the chance to hang out and connect with friends. Or are there hobbies or activities you've always been interested in or drawn to that you haven't tried but might be able to try now to see how they make you feel?

You also mention getting a positive feeling from connecting to classmates, but that this feeling isn't quite validation. I want to offer the counter-point that it actually sounds like it is validating you, just not in the way you're used to. I say this as someone who was, and often still is, very focused on the kind of validation that comes with work or with goals: when I started opening up to peers, I discovered that offered a different kind of validation and vitality. It was the validation of being seen, of being invited into group interactions and connections, rather than standing outside of them. Of being welcomed and accepted based on me as a person rather than what I could accomplish or offer. It sounds like you're starting to experience that with your classmates, and I encourage you to lean into it. Does that make sense?

[milkybarlife]

Hi Milkybarlife, I hope you don't mind me jumping in with a few thoughts here.

I understand the hesitancy to attach a sense of purpose to you work or your career, especially when you fear that the attachment is to the idea being valuable rather than the work itself (which is a little bit what it sounds like you're expressing). For what it's worth, I think a lot of people who go into "helping" professions like psychology do get a feeling of validation or worth from being useful to others, or from feeling like they're needed. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, at least in small doses (in the field I come from, the running joke is that it's good that there are emotional rewards from the work because the pay is often pretty low). But it sounds like you, wisely, recognized that a part of what was driving you in that profession was setting you up for burn out, and you made the choice to pull back. I wonder then, are there ways for you to experiment with introducing some of those same feelings of validation or worthwhileness into your current career path? Ones that wouldn't see you throwing your mental and emotional energy into your career full-tilt, but would give you a chance to find places here and there to combine the things that drew you to psychology with what you hope to do in the future.

Too, I wonder if there are ways that you could use your new-found perspective on female friendships to help you find new avenues of connection and fulfillment in your life. You're right that it's totally bogus that women are socialized to view each other as competition, and by realizing that fact you've actually opened up so brand-new ways to connect with others. Since it sounds like you have a few different hobbies, are there any opportunities you can think of to do those hobbies in the company of others, particularly other women? For example, I've known women who formed running clubs, where they could get the all the positive feelings of a run along with the chance to hang out and connect with friends. Or are there hobbies or activities you've always been interested in or drawn to that you haven't tried but might be able to try now to see how they make you feel?

You also mention getting a positive feeling from connecting to classmates, but that this feeling isn't quite validation. I want to offer the counter-point that it actually sounds like it is validating you, just not in the way you're used to. I say this as someone who was, and often still is, very focused on the kind of validation that comes with work or with goals: when I started opening up to peers, I discovered that offered a different kind of validation and vitality. It was the validation of being seen, of being invited into group interactions and connections, rather than standing outside of them. Of being welcomed and accepted based on me as a person rather than what I could accomplish or offer. It sounds like you're starting to experience that with your classmates, and I encourage you to lean into it. Does that make sense?

Hi Sam,

Sorry I didn’t respond earlier, it’s been a bit of awkward timing with all the holiday things going on. I hope you’ve had good holidays. But it has also been helpful as it has allowed me to mull over your response, and I think you are right!

I think my connections with my classmates and other female friends would really make me feel much more independent and balanced - the more I thought about it the more I realised there are a few female classmates who I’ve been really wanting to make friends with and who I realised have been trying to hang out with me too. One of them actually went to the gym with me once, and in the past few days has actually asked if I’d like to do that after classes once semester starts again - so I think that would be a great start! If it wasn’t for your response in highlighting that to me, I might have been shy as always and rejected her only due to that, but I realise I need to get out of my shell to start making healthier changes. I guess I always thought that doing the right thing has to feel totally comfortable and if it doesn’t then there’s no point in doing it - but I realise that sometimes you got to get out of your comfort zone. Recently I’ve also come across the idea that what you want and what you need are very different things and I think I’ve been neglecting what I ‘need’ because of this comfort thing. So thanks for reaffirming that!

I’ve wanted to continue searching for a general group of friends who are girls too though, so I’ve been looking at clubs or societies at my uni where I can be a part of that.

As for what you said about career and how perhaps I can try to think about my current course and how I can make that more meaningful - that was helpful and a good outlook. I realise I need to be a little more open and a little less black and white.

Thank you for your reassurance and highlighting some new and important things to me!

[Sam W]

You're so welcome, and I'm so glad it was helpful! And I hope your adventures in trying out new female friendships go well! You're absolutely right that it may involve a little stepping out of your comfort zone but, as it sounds like you're already starting to figure out, those steps can end up being quite rewarding.