Sex too complicated to be enjoyable?

[Bubbles]

Thanks for confirming that everything is okay, I guess it was catastrophic thinking again. I feel like I'm being really unpleasant by casting all these doubts at you both. You deserve better. My apology isn't worth much anymore since I keep making the same mistakes but I'm still sorry. I might have been able to manage that catastrophic thought if my social anxiety didn't join in too. Or maybe I'm making excuses. I've always thought I had been a kindhearted person and worked hard to stay that way... so much for that. I guess I'm also feeling down more because I was talking to someone online and was trying to help them feel better about something they were upset about, but I ended up rambling in analytical paragraphs and drove them away (I'm not usually like that). I'm starting to feel sub-human. Just had to vent that bit of information. Anyway, sorry for the topic deviation Sam, and for interrupting Heather's day off.

I'm partially relieved to know the "jerkbrain" is common, I was starting to worry I was bipolar, schizophrenic, or borderline (Guess that's my health anxiety coming back again, yay). I think that's something I'd like to include in my introduction because like you found in your situation, I find my depression is much worse than my anxiety, but this "jerkbrain" manages to sometimes suppress my depression briefly (Makes me feel emotionally cold and numb instead of depressed for a short time), almost like it's hiding. It's really nasty that it can do that. I think it will try to sabotage me by making me feel numb when it comes time to talk about how bad my depression is, and thus the psychologist would be lead to believe my anxiety is worse when really, my anxiety is *usually* only there in certain situations (Or at random times when I get a health anxiety episode), whereas my depression is ALWAYS there, and I think it also came first, and is generally more intense. If they know that, it might help them with their screening, knowing that they might have to contend with my jerkbrain practically trying to hide things in my subconscious. I probably won't call it my jerkbrain though when I talk to them. XD Well maybe.

But anyway, I'm worried about what will happen if I have to switch therapist, because I probably will at some point (Just being realistic; it's unlikely I'd get the right one on my first go, but luckily the clinic has 4 different psychologists I can try, and there are always other clinics too), but I'm awful with confrontation and I'm worried I'll just submit and let myself regress or just fail to make progress instead of speaking up and saying that they're not right for me. Could you give me some advice? Perhaps also how I'd know if they're not right? I don't expect to make progress after the first session, but... how will I know if they're not right for me? I read that article but I'm not sure about it all, or time-frames. How long is long enough to tell? If I'm not making progress after 3... or 4 sessions? If I don't feel comfortable by my... 2nd session? Oh this question is really important: if they're not the right therapist for me, would they tell me? Or would I always have to speak up about it? I'm also moving city in a year or two so I'll have to find a new therapist at that point...

I'm starting to realise that therapy will require a lot more work from me than I realised. I'm a little worried because I'm sometimes so depressed that I can't even move, let alone... focus on fixing my psyche. Will I be unable to get anything out of therapy if I'm too disabled by this during sessions? Especially combined with the "jerkbrain" that tries to hide things from me; I might have trouble co-operating with my therapist. (I'll try my best though, I know it's not a one-sided thing from reading the article you mentioned)

I read through that link and I've gone wrong already; I haven't screened this therapist through email or phone at all yet; I was just referred by my doctor. I don't even know if they're remotely appropriate. However that point about session regularity is important I think. My depression has been getting worse lately and I briefly felt quite unsafe after christmas, so I think very regular appointments would be good for me. Is once a week too much to expect? What about once every 2 weeks? Crisis hotlines are no good for me since in my worst moments, my whole mind shuts down and the "jerkbrain" takes full control. At that point, not a single inch of my being wants to be helped or would seek it. It's quite an unsettling experience. Anyway... that article is wonderful; it covers a lot of my questions, thanks for suggesting it. Oh, and for writing it too! I saw your name at the top (Sam). I don't know how money will be. In Australia, you get 10 free psychologist appointments per year, but I'll probably need more than that right? I think Medicare (Public health insurance) still covers some of the cost of more though so I should be okay. I'll have to look into that further as I'm uncertain on the details. My GP referred me for 6 sessions and then an assessment of progress. Dunno if that's a normal arrangement or not with this sort of thing. Oh and I think I'd probably be the "table flipping" type with talk therapy. I discuss my problems with myself in my mind every day, thus I feel like I'd spend a lot of time covering what I already understand about me. But I'm obviously not a psychologist, so I can try it I suppose. This is all so daunting.

There's a line in the article that says: "Finding a therapist is a lot like dating; most people have to shop around before they find someone to be with for a few months or years." Is a successful relationship really defined as lasting only a few months or years at most? I've never dated so I was just curious.

Thank you for being understanding about my catastrophic thinking. I didn't realise it was even a real issue until I came here, I think it's probably going to stop me from making friends until it's under control, but I'm really glad you said I can still make close friends even amid therapy. But sadly, as I said, I'm moving city in a year or 2 so I'd just end up losing them. I'm starting to feel hopeless again. I want to move in 1 year and start studying again but that all depends on if I'm mentally up to it, as well as when my mum is prepared. I don't think I can move out on my own yet (But I'd like to when I feel stable), I feel too suicidal to be safe living on my own at this time, and I wouldn't be able to trust a roommate I didn't know very well (Nor would I expect them to have to deal with me being miserable constantly). I guess that I'm going to be alone without any close friends for at least another year or 2. I don't feel very happy about that. Hopefully I can minimise it and move in just 1 year instead of 2. I'd like to start my degree before I'm 21. I'm just worried that if I jump into all that before I'm ready I'll just burn out and break down like I did with my first attempt at uni. Do these concerns seem legitimate and responsible? Or is it perfectly safe to just move out on my own to a new city and jump into uni while I'm like this?

Either way, I'm glad to have this space. It's really all I have left socially, but it's the best environment I've been in.
Oh and gender/sex of the therapist is probably not worth considering. I really don't know who would be better. I don't think that my sex/gender is likely to be relevant to the therapy and if it was, like you said, the identity of the therapist probably wouldn't matter. We'll see.

So my introduction has to cover: "I suffer from pretty extreme social anxiety, including a fear of sex and sexuality with others, and a lot of catastrophic thinking, and also am often very depressed." I'd also like to mention: "My mind self-sabotages and influences my ability to read and communicate feelings about my mental state, and I also have episodes of health anxiety. "
I also have to ask questions:
1. How often can I see them? Preferrably more often than every 3 weeks. Every 1 or 2 if possible (As I asked before, I don't know if that's realistic; it might not be).
2. Are they heavily reliant on talk therapy? (I'm willing to try it but if I had to guess, I'd probably respond better to something else, but I can't be certain)

I'm still not sure if I'm fully prepared for the appointment. I also don't know how to go about phrasing all of this to them in the appointment. (My appointment is in 4 days by the way)

[Bubbles]

Sorry my replies are so long, I feel tired just proofreading my last message.

[Sam W]

Hi Danny,

That introduction and those questions look like a great way to explain to a therapist why you're there and get a sense of if they're a good fit for you! I would also suggest that you let them know about your thoughts of self-harm (they will often ask about that as a standard precaution, but it's good to include it in your reasons for going to them). If at any point those feelings get to the level where you fear you'll act on them, please make sure you have plan in place about how to get yourself somewhere safe, like an emergency room. And I would definitely include your concerns about talk therapy when you meet with them, since it sounds like your instinct is that it might not be the best fit for you.

I'm so glad the article on therapy is helping you! Try not to worry too much if you haven't followed all the steps in it. The steps in there are recommended, but you can find an effective therapeutic relationship without using all of them. When thinking about scheduling, you might start out with sessions once a week and then reevaluate later on to see if you and the therapist feel that you can move to having longer gaps between sessions. Once a week sessions are quite common, so no therapist is going to feel surprised or like a client is asking for too much if they want to meet once a week. Being referred for a number of sessions, or being covered for a certain number of sessions, is common in the U.S (I can't speak to how common it is in Australia, but it sounds like there's a similar set up).

As for gauging if a therapist is a good fit, one of the most important elements is if you feel heard by them. When you tell them things or give them new information, do they seem to actually process it and respond to it? Or do you get the feeling they've made up their mind about whatever you two were talking about and aren't really taking in what you say. It's also a good sign if they explain to you why they're having you do something, instead of just telling you to do it without explaining the purpose. As for being able to tell if something is working, I would talk with them about ways you could track your mood or behaviors to help you notice gradual changes or improvements. I'd also pay attention to how you feel after trying something they recommend. For example, if they give you a technique to combat catastrophic thinking and you try it and realize you feel just a little calmer than you normally would, that's a positive sign.

If you have to switch therapists because one is not a good fit, you can communicate that switch to then in person or through email or phone if that feels more comfortable. Most therapists understand that they won't always be a good fit for a client, so they're not going to take your need to try someone else personally. Sometimes, if they sense that you're not getting what you need out of the sessions, they may bring that up with you and ask for your thoughts. Sometimes that conversation leads to them trying new methods with you, other times it leads to them referring you to a different therapist who they think may be better suited to meet your needs. If you're seeing a therapist and it's getting close to the time you're going to move, you can talk with them about making a care plan for yourself and, sometimes, they may be able to help you find a therapist in the place you'll be moving to. Does that all make sense?

For your other concerns about uni and moving, I think those would actually be really good things to bring up with your therapist, especially since they're tied to a lot of the mental health stuff you're dealing with right now. You're absolutely right that this is daunting, and it will likely feel that way for the next little while. But, you're taking an amazingly huge step in taking care of yourself. So, whenever you can, take a chance to be proud of yourself for doing what you're doing. We're certainly here to offer what help we can, but never lose sight of the fact that you're the person taking the biggest steps in helping yourself.

As an aside, we do view a successful relationship as one that can last a few months, a few years, or until a person's death. Success is more about how happy a relationship made you, or how much it mattered to your life or made your life richer, and less about how long that relationship lasted.

[Heather]

Hey, Danny. Long posts are fine, but one thing that can happen when there are long posts with a ton of different issues is that keeping up and catching up can get really hard when myself or others miss a day or so.

Since I was off yesterday and much of Saturday, and your posts since had a lot in them, can I ask that you pick a couple smaller chunks for me in terms of things you’re still looking to talk with me about specifically? Thanks!

[Bubbles]

I'll try and keep this post shorter. I think that Sam answered all the remaining questions I had and I feel about as ready as I'll ever be for the therapist appointment now. Thank you both for helping me be prepared.

I was thinking of waiting until after my first appointment before posting again with an update. There are still a lot of questions on my mind but they're not directly related to the appointment so I guess I should try and stay focused for now. Besides, my depression has been worse today so I should take a day or two to try and clear my head a little so that my next post is better communicated than my last few, anyway.

P.S. That aside about relationships is fascinating. I'd always just thought about *really* long-term relationships (In regards to romantic relationships, not casual sexual ones) since that's what a lot of mainstream society idealises and I hadn't even considered the possibility of simply aiming for multiple shorter-term romantic relationships in life instead of striving for 1 life-long one. Like a... casual romantic relationship, or whatever one would call it. I'd probably get highly insecure though, knowing that it's only designed to last a few months or years. At every point in time I'd be stressing about when the deadline would arrive. Though at the same time, knowing that that freedom exists is slightly comforting and liberating. I really wish I wasn't so fragile and confused. I've had no experience so I don't even know what kind of person I am romantically (or sexually), and being an introvert will probably make it even more difficult to figure out. But I should probably refrain from talking about that stuff until after my appointment at least, since that's so far away from where I'm at. I just wanted to comment on this because that aside expanded my outlook; thanks for informing me.

[Heather]

You got it. Hope the self-care days give you the good stuff.

[Bubbles]

I really want to cancel my therapist appointment. I made a bad post in the "Sex, Culture, and Politics" message board and the guilt is killing me. All I can think about is what damage I might have done and that I'm the problem. I feel like depression and anxiety is what I deserve, like I'm a bad person and don't deserve help. Can the topic I posted be deleted from the message board?

I can't handle the guilt. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I'm so sorry and I don't know what to do. Please, please, please I feel so terrible and don't know how to redeem myself. I beg you please, I'll do anything, please I'm just so sorry and I don't know what to do!

[Bubbles]

Please reply soon I'm really upset by what I've done I'm shaking.

[Heather]

You are making something into something that it isn't even remotely here, Danny. Truly, and in a very big way. Catastrophic thinking rides again. The drama happening in your head right now is only happening there.

But by all means, I've no trouble moving that post off the boards if you like, just because I don't think it's a useful conversation, nor do I expect it to get any real engagement.

[Bubbles]

Yes please delete it, thank you. Can we talk a little bit about my character flaws shown? Even if the post did no harm, I feel bad that I posted it, and whenever I've asked if something I've said or done was sexist on this thread here (Like my lack of ability to interact with women) there was no reply. I'm feeling guilty. And like you said, the post I made on that board was really non-useful. I'm worried I have character flaws and I want to talk about them. Can you maybe just tell me about what I've been doing or saying wrong? I want to be a better person. My conscience is wrought with guilt. Can we just put the catastrophic thinking aside just this once? I want to stop saying bad things, I need help to be better.

This site is the only place I've felt at home in a long time and I want to be a healthy member of its community who can engage in positive ways and never say the wrong things. This means a lot to me.

[Heather]

It's you that thinks you have been doing or saying something wrong, not me, so that isn't something I can do for you. I do not feel you have said or done "bad" things, including being sexist, so I can't address that.

We can't put aside the way your mind is working here because that's exactly what seems to be creating these situations. But it's also outside my abilities, and ours as a service, to dig in more about that, because this is about a need for mental healthcare. Thankfully, you have an appointment to hopefully get started with that soon.

I do want to say, however, that sometimes anyone here might put their foot in it, or express themselves in a way that's problematic or even hurtful for someone else unintentionally. That's often just not avoidable if someone is around and posting often, but it's also okay. We are going to make mistakes with each other or in a community sometimes, because we're all only human. Rather than try to never, ever do that, the best anyone can do is just take responsibility and work it out together when we do. I'd encourage you to try -- and I know it's hard because you are just in a very intense anxiety-full headspace at present -- not to create big conflicts or fears here when it has been something that has been of benefit to you.

[Bubbles]

You're right. And I promise I wasn't accusing you of thinking I was like that, it was just in my head. I just haven't been able to talk to anyone in so long and I don't want to mess this up. I want you to know that I deeply respect you and everything you and everyone else here does. I'm sorry I've been such a difficult case to deal with at times. Thank you for your patience with me.

Do you think it would be best for me to ease off posting on this site for a little while until I've been to therapy for a bit?

[Heather]

I completely understand how high stakes this must feel for you. It's okay. Seriously.

I think that's really up to you to figure out, based on what feels most right for you.

[Bubbles]

Could you please elaborate a little bit on "I'd encourage you to try -- and I know it's hard because you are just in a very intense anxiety-full headspace at present -- not to create big conflicts or fears here when it has been something that has been of benefit to you."? It sounds like important advice that would help me a lot but I don't fully understand it.

[Heather]

Again, this is about catastrophic thinking and self-sabotage. I really can't dig in more than that, not more than what I have already said. You created (or tried to create) a giant conflict this morning here when there wasn't one. There was just a post I said I, personally, did not want to engage with. That's all, but you tried to turn it into something way bigger and went to an end-of-the-world place with your reactions.

So, catastrophic thinking and anxiety, again. Digging in deeper with those things that I already have is just outside the scope of our services here and my abilities. This is something to bring to therapy.

[Bubbles]

I understand now, thank you, and I'm sorry I acted that way. I'm going to go to therapy a couple times before I post again, so that I'll be better. Thank you for being understanding.

[Heather]

No trouble.