Having trouble talking to therapist about sex related things

[MeditationBowl]

Hello,

First of all, thanks for this amazing website!

I have a habit of looking at pornography, especially when I'm stressed/anxious, but I'm really not comfortable with it. I have had a lot of trouble changing the habit on my own, so I'm trying to talk to my therapist about it. But every time I have mentioned it, she has brought up addiction, and I've read on this website a number of times that addiction is not a good framework for sexual behaviours. I'm not really sure how to address this with her and it's making it hard for me to trust her. Can you offer any advice on how to move forward?

Thanks

[Sam W]

He MeditationBowl,

Thank you for your kind words! It makes sense that you're feeling hesitant to bring this up again with your therapist, since it sounds like she keeps framing it in a way that makes you uncomfortable (and, as you point out, in a way that reinforces some misunderstandings about sex and addiction).

If this is a therapist you otherwise like working with, a sound next step would be to come up with a script to help you bring this up with her again where you head off her tendency to bring up addiction. That could be as straightforward as adding, "I know you've talked about this in the framework of addiction before, but I don't find that framework helpful. Could we try coming at it from a different angle?" You could also write down some specifics about what, exactly, you're looking for in terms of support around this issue. If that's something you're not quite sure about yourself, we can talk with you about it and brainstorm some ideas. For example it sounds like you use porn to de-stress or cope with anxiety (which isn't inherently a bad thing, but it sounds like you personally would prefer the habit to change). So something you could ask your therapist for is help developing other ways to cope with those anxious feelings. Does that all make sense?

[MeditationBowl]

Hi Sam,

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm honestly having doubts about whether this therapist is a good fit for me in general, but I have at least one more appointment with her and looking for a new one feels intimidating (but I know I'll need to look for someone new if I keep feeling this way).

For bringing up porn with her again, I will try the script like you suggested. I think part of what I'm struggling with is that I don't know how this should be framed. I brought it up in the context of habits last time, but she immediate separated it as more of an addictive thing. And I can tell her I don't want to frame it like that, but I'm not sure how I do want to frame it then. I know looking at porn to de-stress isn't inherently bad, but for a variety of reasons it's something I'm really uncomfortable doing myself. There's shame tied up in there too. I end up feeling awful every time I look at porn. And it really bugs me that, despite that, I keep doing it. I'm finding it difficult to consistently make choices on this I feel good about. Is looking at this as a bad habit a good way to approach it?

For the kind of support I'm looking for, in general I want support bringing my actions in line with my comfort zone/values. Looking for alternative ways to cope is a good specific suggestion. I've already been working on that a bit. Beyond that, I guess I'd like to talk about how it's making me feel. And why I feel bad about porn to begin with. And how it affects other parts of my sexuality and my life. I think there are maybe some thoughts and feelings I need to work on letting go of, and others that are telling me I should change some things. I also tend to overthink this all a bit... Sometimes I wonder if taking this to the therapist is overkill. I'm just not sure how to move forward on my own.

Thanks for your help

[Sam W]

You're welcome!
I think framing this as a habit you want to break is a very sound way to go, especially since that way of framing it makes the most sense to you and will therefore be easier to explain to your therapist. Framing it that way may also lay the groundwork for her to use techniques that are meant to break habits to help you out, giving her a clearer sense of what she can do to meet your needs as a client. And the conversation you want to have about bringing your actions in line with your values, or the one about diving more deeply into how this connects to other parts of your sexuality and your life are both totally valid things to to bring up with a therapist. These topics clearly occupy a lot of brain space for you, which is a sign that they are something worth exploring during therapy.