Not your usual cheating story

[LittleMonster]

Sorry in advance for the long post…

My girlfriend and I have been happily together for 2 years, until she decided to go abroad for one year as part of the Erasmus programme. Not yet realising how hard this might be for both sides, I supported her because I know that such an international experience meant a lot to her (we both never go out partying and drinking, so that was not the motivation). Now, halfway through the year, there have been sexual frustrations and difficulties with our communication, and life abroad is pretty hard for her: the language takes a lot of effort and she doesn't make friends easily, for instance. However recently some events turned up which make me feel really bad, and I posted this question hoping for some advice how to handle it (and to find out whether it is just me or the situation is really not okay).

Most of the students / people she meets are male. I am not at all a jealous person, so I don't consider this a problem; for instance, I encourage her to share hugs with some willing friend if she feels the need. Some time ago however, say 6 weeks, she spent an evening talking with some guys. They went into one's apartment and enjoyed the evening. Nothing really happened until night, when the other ones went home and she was left with one particular guy—let's call him X. He admitted to her that he really liked her, enjoyed talking with her, that she's the first one to gave his life meaning and suchlike, and asked her to stay overnight in bed. She claims to me that X is definitely not a boy to replace me, not being her type or personality, but she can't handle people whining and so she agreed to some hugs. He clearly wanted more, but she made sure to escape his attempts at kisses and tickles, and eventually left without responding to his avances. The event made her feel really bad and guilty; the next day, she told me about it and we spent some hours talking about it. I tried to reassure her that nothing really happened, that I was glad she resisted, and that I didn't blame her for anything. (We also discussed our interest towards sex with other people, but agreed not to do anything without each others full consent, and to save such experiences for later, together.)

Now, this weekend she confessed that this wasn't the end of the story. She tried to avoid X, but this was quite impossible since they have some mutual friends (well, acquaintances she wants to call friends). It turned out that she ended up in his apartment again, hoping to clear things up, but he again tried to manipulate her into sleeping with him and having sex. She claims to me that after lots of whining and begging, it was clear to her that he wouldn't let her go, and that the only way to get out of it was to consent. As she put it, consenting would make her feel less bad and "she might even learn something." Her only rule: he wasn't allowed to go in her pants. So that night, she allowed him to fondle with her breasts and she masturbated him. She even spontaneously gave him a blowjob. The morning after, she left and went on with her life, worrying about it but saying nothing to me.

Continuing her confession to me, it turns out that she eventually met X a third time, again with the intention to clear things up and put a stop to it. He manipulated her again, saying stuff like "if you agreed two times then you will agree to a third time as well", and they ended up in bed, this time going full intercourse. She says it wasn't an enjoyable experience, that he handled her roughly (physically), that she's really mad at him for tricking her into it, and that she'll never talk to him again without bystanders. In the end, however, she did consent—because she would rather prefer a distorted way to learn something than feeling like an abused victim.

Her confession torn my world apart. I found it devastating that she would agree to have intimacies with someone, simply because he's acting like a child who doesn't get what he wants. She would consent "because it's hopeless anyway" to talk it out of him, even hoping to learn something from the experience, rather than just leave. As far as I know, the correct term for what happened is 'coerced consent', which could be interpreted as rape, but she wants to convince herself that she sincerely consented rather than feel like a victim. She feels bad about the whole story, and doesn't want me to leave her because it didn't change the way she feels for me, but I feel lost right now as I can't shake off the impression that what we have together isn't of much real importance to her.

My girlfriend and X are friends on Facebook. My first request in order to sort things out between us (if possible) was that she would block him immediately, knowing that he tricked her three times already. She is very reluctant to do so, because "it wouldn't solve anything", "it would make things only more awkward", they "have friends in common" and "there might be a chance to talk things out". She would rather ignore him and act like nothing happened. She feels the need to talk to someone neutral about it (saying I'm too involved to give her advice or requests), but she doesn't have any close friends there. After a few discussions she even got mad at me that our ways to handle it are different and that I shouldn't tell her what to do. She claims me paranoid and disabled viewing of her Facebook contacts. Except that, she acted regretful and understanding towards me.

In a few weeks I finally will see her again in person, but now I don't know what to to. I don't want to break up with her before I see her in person, but her confession hit me like a hammer and I feel emotionally very unstable right now. Even if we manage to work things out, this will probably remain a dark page in our book that I will not be able to leave behind easily, reappearing when we have arguments. I'm afraid that our sex will have lost its meaning. I was openminded towards her hanging out with other boys, but now I feel like she planted a seed of distrust that will never go away but only grow.

So, is there any chance we can work this out? How should we cope with this; what should we definitely do, and what definitely not?

[Sam W]

Hi LittleMonster,

Okay, before we get into any other pieces of this situation it sounds like from her description that you are correct that what happened was not truly consensual. When someone gives in to sex because it's the only way to make a person stop bothering them or let them leave, then that's not true consent. It sounds like she is dealing with her own feelings around how she wants to define this for herself, and that definition is ultimately something only she gets to decide. But for the purposes of the conversation between you and us, what happened here was sexual assault.

It's understandable that you're feeling very emotionally hurt right now, if for no other reason than learning that someone hurt your partner can be very painful (and the way she is coping with what happened has the side effect of creating a story in which she cheated, which can have an emotional effect on you even if you intellectually understand that she wasn't consenting). If you haven't already, you may want to call a local rape crisis resource, just to talk to someone for a bit who's trained to counsel loved ones of people who have experienced assault. It would likely be beneficial for her to talk to someone like that as well, given that she wants to consult a neutral party, but right now it's best that you don't push her towards that. It may also help to remember that someone having been coerced does not mean that they can't have a healthy, meaningful sex life with a partner who they care about, and that plenty of couples manage to get through conflicts and come out okay on the other side.

Can you give me a sense of how much or how little she's communicated to you what she needs right now? And how much time you've taken to process this situation with people who are not her?

[LittleMonster]

Hi Sam W, thanks for your very quick answer. This probably sounds weird, but it is reassuring to hear that the situation is not as okay as she wants it to be.

I'm under the impression she told me because she was stuck in worry on her own for weeks and because she wanted to be honest with me, hoping that I would understand that the situation is not just black-and-white. Now, however, she is questioning whether she should have tried to explain her motivations to me, in fact whether she should have told it to me at all, because according to her I'm making a big deal out of it, more than it should be.

She admitted to me that "maybe I'm right that she doesn't want to accept how not okay it was, and that she's just fooling herself, but she needs to hear that from someone else." She wants to talk about it to someone not involved, but she doesn't have a real friend up there, and the few friends she has also know the guy X. She doesn't want to feel like a victim, so she definitely won't go searching for help at a rape crisis resource on her own (nor if I suggest her to). She only told me because she wanted to be honest, but she needs to sort things out with herself and doesn't want my 'help' because "my way to handle it is not her way." Also, I feel like she doesn't really want to be comforted (saying she doesn't deserve a hug from me and suchlike).

Myself, I haven't told anyone about it yet, as I only heard the whole story last Sunday night and it's still sinking down on me. It's not up to me to go tell her parents, I guess; she definitely wouldn't appreciate that now, as her parents are quite overly attached (which was one of the reasons she went abroad in the first place). I'm not sure if I want to tell my own parents right now. Neither have I seen a real friend yet to talk about this.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! So, to make sure I'm understanding the situation correctly, you've offered to support her and she's asked you to not do so? Or has it more been that you've offered some kind of help or advice and she's said that's not what she needs? It may also help to know that a lot of the reactions you mention her having are likely connected to trauma from what happened. That doesn't make them any less real for her (or for you), but it may help to keep in mind that a lot of what she's saying and doing right now has to do with managing all those feelings, and isn't necessarily reflective of what the future of your relationship might be. Does that make sense?

Since deciding if and how to get support for your girlfriend is up to her, let's focus on getting you connected to some more supports. You're welcome to continue to process here, but I would suggest finding a helpline and calling that as well (we can help you locate one if you'd like) so that you're not stuck dealing with all the emotions this is bringing up on your own. Talking to other people who you and she know is a little tricky in this situation, since you need to not disclose what happened to her without her permission, which restricts who you go to for support or what you tell them. One possible option is to spend time with friends as a means of distracting yourself from what's going on in order to give your brain a break from thinking about it. How does that sound? If you'd like, we can also give you some tips on doing self-care, which would also likely be useful to you right now.

[LittleMonster]

It surely makes sense and is precisely what I needed to hear.

She said I shouldn't push her to go talk with someone about it—being it someone neutral or someone she knows—or to block him on Facebook. She also said that her logic and mine don't really agree right now; for instance, yesterday already I did mention the coerced consent thing but she doesn't (want to) think about it that way. It's not that she doesn't want to speak with me, but it is delicate, and for now I try to talk about some everyday stuff instead.

I have already contacted a local confidential person at my university, so thanks for the advice. It will definitely help being able to speak about it with someone face to face. Meanwhile my girlfriend recalled on her own that her current university offers that kind of help as well, and although she doesn't appear to be open for it, I hope she might realise the potential benefit and give it a try.

Thanks for providing the first steps to process all of this.

[Jacob]

So glad to hear you are moving on to the next steps with this LittleMonster!