How do I move on from my sexual repression?

[ThatGuy]

Alright, so in the past few months after talking to some people and asking some questions I realized that I had been sexually repressed for a long time. I grew up in a religious home and my family didn't really explain anything about sex. From what I can remember until very recently I've always had issues feeling guilty about almost anything related to sex.

The first time I masturbated, I remember how good it felt, but I also remember how guilty I felt. I really hated myself because I thought what I was doing was bad and that god would punish me for it, but then I didn't want to stop, it just felt so good. A few years later I left religion, but I didn't really get rid of that mindset, I still felt guilty about masturbating and my ideas about sex hadn't really changed. I dealt with these demons yet again when I started college, mainly through video games. I like video games a lot, specifically role playing games which often go into sex and relationships. Most games don't really do much with sex, still there are some in which you can add mods, player created content that can be installed on your PC, and some of this mods involved sex. At first I really hated them, and the people who would use them, I had already left religion there was no reason for me to believe this. Eventually I tried them out, I liked them a lot, I never had so much fun masturbating as I did with those mods but then I felt guilty and I removed them but I would want to try them again and so the cycle of insanity went.

I'm 24, I still haven't had sex, I think in large part it has to do with this mentality that was ingrained into me. I don't really mind being a virgin or whatever, I don't think of it much at least not anymore, I know eventually I will have sex and this past year I made inroads into that. I asked a girl out for the first time, she said no, but that really didn't matter to me, I had a bigger interest in asking her out than her saying yes, it was about facing another fear of mine that had been plaguing me for years, in part due to my issues with sex. Now I'm going to meet more people, I got into some classes and I'm looking to cultivate my interests, in fact the whole reason why all of this came up was because I faced that fear as well.

Here's the thing though, I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I let religion twist my own morality in this way, especially since it made me hate a part of myself that I never really wanted to hate. It is just really hard to face the fact that this went on for so long, that even after I abandoned my religion I still kept its poisonous beliefs and that those beliefs drove me to hate something that I now love so much. I don't really know how to move on from this.

[moonlight]

Hey ThatGuy, welcome to the boards!

If I'm hearing you correctly, you're having some feelings of guilt around sex and masturbation. One of our articles, Undoing Sexual Shame, addresses this topic.

How about to start you take a look at that article?

I or someone else here would be happy to discuss it after you've read it, if you'd like.

[ThatGuy]

I had already read that before posting. I know this doesn't just go away overnight, and I just figured out what was going on a few months ago. I don't feel as ashamed anymore, I admit some times I still feel bad about sex but much less so than before. I have used the internet to learn more about sex, anatomy, etc. However, from what I have seen there is very little on how to deal with sexual repression.

My issue about this is that I don't understand how this could have happened. I don't get how I could have repressed my sexual urges for so long or why I had been guilt tripping myself over it for so much time.

[Heather]

Honestly, social attitudes about sex -- especially when religion is involved -- are remarkably sticky and incredibly pervasive. And the more normalized and common they are with people and groups that are most influential to us, the easier it is for those attitudes to take a really deep root, often without people even really noticing.

That's not about some failing you have: it's a very, very common thing that happens to many people and has for a very long time. It's part of why religion has long been justabout the most powerful force of social control for most societies historically.

There are a few good books pertaining to this, including a couple that were expressly written to help people recover from and move past these kinds of impacts, if you'd like some suggestions.

[ThatGuy]

Yes, I would like some suggestions. I'm currently going through Sex and God: How religion distorts sexuality.

You're right, it isn't my fault, I just never thought I could have been manipulated like that, nor did I ever think something like this could have been so ingrained into my morality without me knowing.

[Sam W]

Hi ThatGuy,

Heather is out, and I'm not quite sure which books they have in mind, so I'll leave that piece for now.

Certain social messages, especially those backed by ideology as widespread as certain types of religious rhetoric, can be so ingrained in the culture that they're invisible. They creep into people's mindsets without them even seeking those ideas out. So you're right that you're not at fault, and you have every right to feel manipulated or angered for being in an environment that helped those messages creep into your brain.

[ThatGuy]

I'm just so angry about it. Each chapter of that book I mentioned I was reading keeps clearing everything up. What bothers me the most is thinking of what could have been if I had never had that stuff ingrained into my head. I probably would have had sex long ago, instead I spent years hating myself knowing it was bad and not really understanding why I did it.

Another of the other wonderful side effects of religion is that it makes you feel shame for even wanting to talk about sex and masturbation so I couldn't talk about it to others even if I wanted. Besides I didn't have anyone to talk to, my parents would have reinforced those beliefs, they're stuck on that, they live a loveless, sexless marriage because of religion. They won't divorce because of religion and convenience.

I'm very angry at them, I'm angry that they never bothered to question their religion. They never bothered to ask professionals about sex because in their arrogance and pride they always thought they knew better than everyone about everything. They have always said that sexual education is "taught at home" and they never taught me or my siblings a thing, we never received a single conversation. I know my grandfather tried talking to me about it, I'm sure they stopped him from going further. I'm sure he told them his concerns and I'm sure that they did not listen. I bet if I told them today what I was going through they'd say it is normal, they'll say that I should wait until marriage or some nonsense.

Most of all I am angry at religion. I hate it, I don't ever want to have anything to do with it ever again.

[Jacob]

Hi ThatGuy!

I'm sad to hear about your family and how much of a negative atmosphere it seems to have been.

I just thought I'd chime in and speak to some of the frustration you have around this now that you're unpacking the negative impacts your religious background has had on your sexuality.

The main thing I would say is that it's ok to take your time as you work out what healing means for you. I feel like it can be really tempting to desire a squeaky 'clean' version of our sexual selves, untouched by bad experiences, trauma and religious/cultural dogma. We might want to go back to a prior state of unbias, and innocent curiosity etc. Believe me, a lot of us feel that when we think about how we've been changed by negative life events, and harmful influences (hey, even that desire for purity has some rather religious roots!).

For me it's been really helpful to accept that I have been changed, but also that I don't have to express that in a negative way. In some sense, this also connects us to other people who have had a hard time, and can give us some understanding we didn't have before.

But we are complex, and doing better is more often about making choices based on our values, rather than quickly learning/unlearning our feelings. I would say those positive choices can slowly ease our thoughts and feels. There are some things that stick with us, but if we can recognise them and learn from them, that can be ok too.

[ThatGuy]

Yeah, I understand, living with hate and anger won't help me, it's not right. I'm sorry if I got angry, I took a long walk after that last response in order to calm down. You're right, I shouldn't waste my time and energy regretting the past, I already gave enough of my time to this thing. It needs to go.

I have thought about therapy to be honest. This stuff didn't just cause these issues with sex but it also developed other fears as a consequence. I'm very sure that many of the other problems I faced in life during that time came from the anxiety this caused me.

[Sam W]

Hi ThatGuy,

No need to apologize for feeling angry, that's a totally understandable reaction to have while working through some of this stuff. But it's also very sound of you to recognize that focusing on things you can't change may not be the most helpful path right now. You can feel the way you feel about the past while still focusing your energy on the present and the future.

It sounds like therapy could be very helpful for you right now, especially if you're noticing other areas of your life being influenced by those ideas you were exposed to growing up. Would you like some resources to get you started in the process of finding mental healthcare?

[ThatGuy]

No, I already know someone who can help me find a psychologist. She's a doctor, she doesn't believe in any sort of religion and she's very liberal about sex, she'll probably know of someone who could help.

I am feeling better now, and I have learned so much more about sex. I feel much more comfortable about it now. Going to therapy will definitely give me some closure with this.

Thanks for the help.

[Heather]

Just quickly popping in to drop a couple book titles your way I think are or may be relevant to this:
Sex Smart by Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D, Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy by Tina Schermer Sellers, and The Culture of Fear: Why Americans Are Afraid of the Wrong Things: Crime, Drugs, Minorities, Teen Moms, Killer Kids, Mutant Microbes, Plane Crashes, Road Rage, & So Much More by Barry Glassner.

[ThatGuy]

Thanks, I will take a look at those.