Talking about sex, and his (seemingly negative)reaction

[Xallia]

Hello! Not sure if this is the right forum, but I figured it was more of a relationship question than a sex one. Sorry this is going to be long, I just have so many feelings going through my head right now.

So, background. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 years, started in high school and now we are both going to be turning 24 this year. We are essentially each other's first real relationship considering that we started dating at like 16-17.

I was not really into having sex before because I was living with my parents and he lived with his so we didn’t engage in sexual activity due to respect for them. My boyfriend and I had a couple conversations about it, and both had the same feelings.

About 2 months ago, we moved out of state with my parents, who, with my grandparents, bought some land with 2 houses on it. My boyfriend and I are currently living in my grandmother’s house as she has no plans to move into it any time soon, so we’re pretty much renting a room from her and are financially separate to my parents.
At this point, I feel comfortable starting a sexual life with my boyfriend.

Here’s where the problem lies. Just before Valentine’s Day, I asked my boyfriend about when he would feel comfortable at beginning to be sexually active, then I explained that I was ready. I told him that if he ever wanted to try and initiate, I wouldn’t be offended or think ill of him and it would actually excite me. I completely opened up to him and, unfortunately, the conversation was entirely one-sided, and he actually seemed annoyed that I would bring it up and was just like “yeah, we have been dating a while, whenever I guess” but kind of muffled and mumbling, like he wasn’t sure.
I really want to try initiating sex while we're in bed sometime, but that wasn’t clear consent to me and sounded more like him trying to end the conversation than giving me a real answer. We haven't talked about it since, I don't even think he's thought about what I asked.

I’m honestly scared to bring it up again after his reaction, but I have a very healthy libido and it’s killing me. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to bring it up again. I fee hurt, I love him, he’s thoughtful and respectful, he’s family oriented he’s basically everything I want in a man and I know he loves me more than anything in the world. I’ve always thought of him as the man I would marry, but I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage and I don’t know how to talk to him about our sex life given how annoyed he seemingly was the first time. If we had sex even just once or twice a month, I would be okay with it as a start, and it feels silly that something so basically human is the one thing about our relationship that has me stressed out.
Also, I thought I should note, whenever I’m in bed with him, I lay in suggestive poses, and wear minimal clothes, but he’d rather play a video game for several hours until he’s so tired he wants to sleep. When we cuddle(only when he wants to because he ignores all my attempts at getting him to cuddle), he completely avoids intimate areas of my body, it makes me feel so unattractive. He seems to not realize that, if I'm cuddling with him, that means I want him to touch me, I want to feel closer to him. I feel like he shouldn’t be making me feel like this, I love him, but I’m hurt.

We were talking to his parents over FaceTime today and they asked when we were going to give them grandchildren, and all I could think is “we’ll never have kids if your son doesn’t grow up and decide to have sex with me”. I didn’t say that, but it went through my head. I'm starting to feel more resentful about it at this point and that's the last emotion I want to feel towards him.

>>> I guess my question is, how do I bring all this up without him being annoyed or offending him? He made a lot of sacrifices moving states with me so there's no doubt that he loves me, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I have physical needs that, as I get older and spend more time around him, become more intense and unbearable.
I don't know if he's scared he'll get me pregnant(which I'm not worried about, and would actually be happy to start a family with him), if he's insecure about his body(which I understand, I have a ton of insecurities), if he has erectile issues, scared he might not perform well, etc... honestly I'd be willing to work with him on whatever the issue is, at this point I just want to be able to talk to him about it without him trying to change the subject or getting upset. I don't mind taking baby steps since we're both very inexperienced in this field.
We've talked about having kids and what we would name them and such, but never about the actual baby making act. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him, I want it to be a normal, comfortable topic.

[Sam W]

Hi Xallia,

It sounds like this situation is causing quite of bit of tension for you, and it can be really frustrating when you feel like something important is missing from an otherwise happy relationship. You're already tried a great first step, which was broaching the idea of being sexual with him and seeing how he was feeling about it. It sounds like you're a little nervous about bringing it up again because you don't want to pressure him or annoy him, and it's awesome that you want to be respectful of his boundaries. But it sounds like there is some room to have another conversation (or, more likely, several conversations) about this topic so that you each have a clearer picture of what the other wants and is feeling and can move forward from that.

This article has a lot of tools to help you get started with that conversation: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner . Now, using the techniques in that article may not prevent the conversation from being awkward, but they may make it a little easier to navigate. There's also no guarantee that he won't feel annoyed or offended by the conversation, because at a certain point even if you're taking steps to help the conversation be comfortable, he's going to feel how he'll feel about it. What you're trying to do is create a place where both of you can talk about your expectations, worries, and hopes about your sex life. You may also want to use this conversation as a place to make some of the signals you're trying to give more explicit. For example, it may be worth asking him to spend a little more time connecting to you and a little less on video games when you two are in bed together (it sounds like that's something you want but maybe haven't vocalized). Does all that make sense?

Since it also sounds like you need to let off some sexual steam, are you able to masturbate in your current living situation? Or are you feeling like the only option is to be sexual with him?

It may also be worth thinking about whether his interest in sex and other types of physical intimacy seems to have decreased lately, or if there's other been big shifts in his behavior. The two of you have just gone through a major life shift, and he may be dealing with some complex feelings around that shift that also happen to influence his interest in sex.

[Xallia]

Thank you! That article has helped a lot
Based on the sample conversations, our conversation wasn’t all that out of the ordinary, and that’s makes it easier.
I definitely don’t want to push things too much, because I know he’s had a huge life change, which is why I’d like to start with talk every once in a while and let it escalate naturally. I think I know how to start the convo, now I just need the courage. I’ve done it once, I can do it again haha

His interest in intimacy is the same or slightly more than it was before the move. We never really had many opportunities where we were alone all the time like now, so it’s hard to gauge ^^

And masturbating definitely helps release the tension, and as a plus, I’ve learned a lot about my body through it that’ll definitely help make our first time more enjoyable, or at least that much less awkward because I’ll already know what I like and can take charge if I see that he’s having a hard time figuring out how to continue

Thank you so much! I think I can do this ^^

[Sam W]

You're welcome! I'm so glad that the article was useful and is helping you feel a little more prepared to have these talks. If you have other questions or things you'd like advice about in the future, we'll be happy to help.