Feeling weird about not having sex

[Atonement]

So, I decided to post because of some uncomfortable thoughts I've been having regarding my lack of sexuality at the time.

I was talking to some girls at work the other day. It's pretty common knowledge at work that I do not date and don't really want to. And I guess that idea is kind of fascinating to them.

So, the other day, we were talking and one of them asked me when the last time I went on a date was. I did the math, and it 4 years. Then one asked if that was the last time I had sex. I left my answer at “longer”. That got into a discussion of “but don't you miss sex?”. It wasn't an uncomfortable discussion, and I didn't feel like they were making fun of me. More that they were fascinated.

Completely separately, I was reading something where a character was complaining about a 6 week “dry spell”.

Those two things together really got me thinking. I know there are a lot of women out there who stay single by choice. But are they all really having sex so frequently that a couple times a year is considered practically celibate? It's been well over 7 years since I've had sex of any kind.

Really, I know this is kind of a useless thing to worry about. It shouldn't matter what everyone else is doing.

The thing is, I never planned for this, and I don't want it to go on forever. I do want to have sex again someday. But I've been at this awkward impasse for years, and this is the one area of my life that I have made 0 progress on.

The thought of never being sexual again isn't one I like. I guess I've always had this idea that someday the a type of interaction that I'm ok with will come my way. But it just looks so unlikely.

First, I have such a strong dislike and anxiety for dating. I hate looking for partners and flirting.

Other people seem to actually have fun interacting with new people on dating apps, going out, and talking to strange guys.

When I think of doing any of the things that people do to meet one another, I get a strong feeling of “I don't want to”. Like, I see dating as a kind of chore equally distasteful to retaking organic chemistry.

The long story short, having a sexual partner in my life is something I would like. But I just don't want to do all the stuff it takes to get one.

Then there's the fact that I worry about what a relationship would do to my lifestyle. I love having my own space and traveling the world alone. I feel like these are things most people would expect me to give up.

There's just this contrast of me being a quiet, stay at home, domestic type of person but also not wanting to be restricted. I feel like I'm a bit of a paradox.

Then, we get into the self esteem parts.

I have never had sex as an overweight person. Since my weight gain, the only people that have seen me without clothes are healthcare professionals. And it's SO stupid, because I know that plenty of overweight people have partners that are attracted to them. In fact, the girl at work that I talked with about the topic the other day is significantly bigger than me. She clearly doesn't think that she us unqualified for sex. But I just can't get the idea that I have nothing to offer physically out of my head. And so far, no amount of self help books or therapy has really helped me.

The thing is, most of the time, I really enjoy my life. I have a job I'm passionate about. I read awesome books and watch great shows. I cook, I shop, I do projects. A few times a year, I travel. At the end of every weekend, I always wish I'd had more time to spend doing the things I like to do. I feel like my life that I live now is 95% exactly the way I want it, and I don't want to sacrifice that 95% for the 5% I'm missing.

Then, at this point I'm around men so rarely that they've started to feel “other” and scary. I've had so few positive relationships with males in my life, and I feel safer without them around, but I'm still programmed to want them.

So, I guess this is a little scattered. But I feel conflicted with this issue, and I have for years. The only times I don't are when I distract myself with other things. I guess its all a sort of salad of poor self esteem, trust issues, and anxiety mixed with my love for things the way they are now.

Thoughts?

[Heather]

Hey there.

I'm working on taking this all in, but I feel like I'd benefit from some clearer questions. Can you maybe pick two or three clear questions to ask about all of this so I can get a good start in a way I feel is pretty likely to be the kind of help and feedback you're looking for?

[Heather]

It does sound like you might have some wonky ideas about what we offer to one another when it comes to sex from a physical standpoint (hint: looking a certain way not only isn't it, if that's all we offered each other with sex, even just physically, good gracious, why would we bother with something so emotionally and physically risky for so little?), but one quick question for now on this:

I have never had sex as an overweight person. Since my weight gain, the only people that have seen me without clothes are healthcare professionals. And it's SO stupid, because I know that plenty of overweight people have partners that are attracted to them. In fact, the girl at work that I talked with about the topic the other day is significantly bigger than me. She clearly doesn't think that she us unqualified for sex. But I just can't get the idea that I have nothing to offer physically out of my head. And so far, no amount of self help books or therapy has really helped me.

Have you read anything expressly for people of size about sex and sexuality as a fat person, like Hanne Blank's book, Big, Big Love (a newer version came out a few years back)?

[Atonement]

Sorry, I didn't really condense my thoughts too well!

Here's a few more specific questions.

This one may be kind of self defeating, but I have a strong desire to know exactly how abnormal the I live my life (ie, no sexual interaction or attempt to seek it out) is. Does any significant percentage of people live like this?

I guess I'm also looking for some reassurance that this doesn't make me boring or pathetic.

I guess also I need to either

a) make peace with my current lifestyle, somehow learn to stop wanting to be sexual altogether, and be prepared that people will always ask questions and I will always have to defend it

or

b) find a way to get some kind of sexual interaction that doesn't make me miserable

Plan b seems more appealing to me, but plan a seems like it is more likely to happen. Do you think there is a way to make plan b happen? How do I dig myself out of the roadblock I'm stuck behind?

[Atonement]

No, I haven't read anything specifically about weight and sexuality. I've read Health at Every Size, and I've been going through a general self esteem workbook, but nothing specifically about sex. I think I'll look it up

[Heather]

Okay, so that's a pretty big lack-of-thing! I'd suggest starting with Hanne's book. We've also been trying to drum up writers for a whole series here on sex and fat, so you have that to look forward to.

I don't see any reason to think about your sex life as it stands (which isn't you not having a sexuality, btw: we have a sexuality whether or not we are having sex with other people), or your life as a whole, as abnormal. There are plenty of people not having sex at all for months or years at a time, especially single people. For sure, that's not the sexual frequency a lot of people would prefer, but what someone considers a dry spell or doesn't varies. What someone considers enough sex or not enough also varies. A lot.

Our sexual lives shouldn't be about proving anything to anyone else. Having sex with other people doesn't make you, or anyone else, necessarily more exciting or awesome; not doing so doesn't make you, or anyone else, necessarily boring or pathetic. I really hope that these aren't factors in any of these choices for you, because honestly, they're lousy ones. If you're feeling this way because your social circle isn't being understanding or supportive, then I'd suggest you maybe both look to expand that circle some to include more people more like you in this way and maybe talk with your friends about how you're feeling and ask for some extra understanding.

Our sexual lives should be -- with the understanding that who knows how our opportunities will mesh with our wants, obviously -- about what feels right and good for us; what works in the whole of our unique lives. And you know what? Some people will literally say they WANT lives or sexual lived that are slow and quiet and uneventful that others, or even they, would call boring, but they LIKE things that way.

I think you need to make peace no matter what happens here, and no matter what you decide, but I also think that if you want to pursue sexual interactions with others, now or in the future, you can probably figure out a way to do that that doesn't ask you to give anything up -- like the ability to have your own space or travel -- or do a ton of things you find tiresome and awful -- like ways or frequency of dating that feel that way to you. As an example, just one example, sexual interactions whole traveling might be a good fit for you. We can talk about more options if you like, too.

(I have to head out for the day, but I'll be back around tomorrow, and other folks may weigh in in the meantime! I can think of a few of the volunteers who might resonate with some of this and/or have some helps to offer up.)

[Atonement]

Yeah, I've actually thought that while traveling might be a good idea for me. I feel like it would feel a lot less like having my life invaded than it would at home. And maybe if I used that to "break the ice", I'd feel less uncomfortable about it than when I'm at home.

But I'm definitely going to have to work on being more social when I travel. I've been to 7 new cities in the past year, some of which are considered some of the most romantic cities on earth. And I didn't have an actual conversation with anyone besides one of my Airbnb hosts. The only think I've thought of is using dating apps abroad, which seems less awful than using them here but still not a way I really want to meet people.

But I would like to talk about other options too. It's always good to know what's available.

As for the people around me, it isn't really my friends. Actually, none of my closest close friends date or have sex either, although for most of them I think its more cultural family pressure or religion rather than the kind of feelings I have. It's more the people that surround me in general. People I work with, non-immediate family members. Everyone's first question is always about your love life, and then when they find out you don't have one there are all sorts of questions.

Also, my mom. I think she's mostly learned to mostly respect it after several years of long conversations, but she really does NOT understand. We've mostly got an "agree that we're just different" thing going on, but she can't restrain from asking me every couple months "Don't you ever get lonely?" or "Are you SURE you're happy the way things are?" Then I get really defensive and feel like I need to start providing evidence that my life isn't miserable, which makes me start to question it myself.

Another thing that adds anxiety to the idea of dating is that I feel the need to be EXTREMELY secretive about it. If I went on a date and told a friend or my mom, they'd get overexcited and make a big deal about it, which would scare me off completely. I've had people (mainly my mom, but also former friends) pressure me into continuing on with guys that I really didn't like just because it happens so rarely, I guess they felt like I needed to take what I could get. Because of this, I don't even feel comfortable admitting ANY desire for sex or relationships to anyone but my therapist. It's like if I show one crack in the facade they'll grab onto it and try to convince me I'm not really happy.

I guess there is also this fear that I've "wasted" my 20s by not having sex, which is also ridiculous because I've accomplished so much and done so many things I really enjoy, and life isn't all about sex.

I feel like I keep going on these disorganized tangents, but it's probably actually really helpful for me to get them all out on here. If I don't, I tend to do it at my therapist's office. And since I'm limited to 50 min, it can make for a very unproductive session

[Sam W]

Hi Atonement, I hope you don't mind if I jump in with a few thoughts.

I'm not sure what other options Heather had in mind, but as far as dating while traveling goes if you're leaning towards trying an app, you could give one or two a try the next time you travel to see if it works for you. You may find that yep, it's not how you want to meet people. Or, you might discover that it helps you find other people who are looking for brief relationships. Too, since you mention wanting to get more social in general when you travel, what if you challenged yourself to go to places where you might have to interact with others a bit more? Those could be places you go because they look cool and you want to check them out, or places where you might be more likely to meet a prospective partner (for instance, if you're comfortable using them, there are often "singles guides" to larger cities that suggest locations for meeting people).

It makes sense that the way a lot of people, especially your mom, react towards your dating choices is making those choices feel much higher stakes than they really are. You can know intellectually that you haven't "wasted" your 20s just because you haven't dated a bunch, but if there are a bunch of voices questioning you about that conclusion, it can leave you feeling less sure of yourself emotionally. You mention you've been working with a therapist. Have you had a chance in your sessions to talk about setting and reinforcing boundaries when people poke at your dating choices, or coming up with scripts to use in those moments? If not, is that something you'd be opening to trying with your therapist?

[Siân]

Hi Atonement

Heather and Sam are full of wisdom so I'm not gonna cross-talk them on your wider questions, I just wanted to jump in on the subject of meeting people whilst travelling since I've done it quite a bit. If you don't want to specifically try dating apps then have you looked at something like meetup or couchsurfing? They allow you to search for events wherever you're at and just show up knowing that most people are in a similar boat and open to meeting new people, often over a shared interest; many events will get a mix of locals and visitors. Searching for local groups on your existing interests and seeing if they'll let you join in as a one off can be good too Hostels are also sometimes a place to meet people. You mentioned staying in Airbnb's, but you can find hostels that have a bar/social area open to the general public if you don't feel like staying in dorms; often in early evening you will find individual travellers milling around and relieved when someone comes along and strikes up a conversation! I usually start with trivial requests-for-info type questions as they allow me to see how friendly this person is, and if I want to have conversation with them whilst being easy to back out of. Sometimes multiple low-stakes interactions like these are less pressured than the apps (fun as they can be if you're in the mood) and allow you to go in whatever direction feels right.

[Atonement]

Thank you both for your replies!

Sam:

I think the next time I go somewhere, I will make an effort to find things where other people are to socialize. I guess the only Idea I had before was going to bars or clubs, which isn't something I really enjoy, especially alone. But surely there are some other things that are more geared towards my interests.

My therapist and I have talked about this issue, but not to a huge extent. I haven't seen her in a while because I took a break to go out of town and just haven't gotten around to scheduling another session. Also, the last couple times we've focused on other things that were more pressing at that time.

The thing is, I think I've kind of come as far as I can with setting boundaries around my dating choices. With my mom, I think she is keeping her mouth shut just about as much as she is capable to. And I feel like if I let her know it's getting to me, she might see that as proof that she's right and start pushing more.

As for other people, it isn't a case of specific people pushing at my boundaries. Its more of an issue that the topic comes up with literally everyone I talk to. I see a relative or friend I haven't seen in a while and one of the first things they ask is if I'm seeing anyone. I meet a new person and one of the first questions is "Are you married", which then progresses to "do you have a boyfriend?". I don't mind answering people's questions, but sometimes it makes me feel invalidated that that's the number one thing people want to hear about.

It guess It isn''t all me wanting to fit in, because if I DID end up hooking up with someone, there are VERY few people I would even tell about it.

Siân:

Those are some really helpful suggestions. I tried using Couchsurfing, but I only really got around to the section where people plan one-on-one meet ups. I was kind of irritated because everyone on there wanted to meet up RIGHT THEN, and I kind of wanted some time to myself so I got uncomfortable and backed out. But I like the idea of using it to find events a lot more. I feel like it would remove a lot of the "predatory" feelings of the one-on-one. I think I will try that and meetup to look for events next time.

[Siân]

Glad that you found those helpful! Totally get how much of a total social turn-off if can be when someone tries to rush you, which is a nice thing about events; you can plan them into your day. I don't think that most bars and clubs are too much fun alone (although I do sometimes take my book to a cosy pub as a midweek treat) so focusing on spaces where you might find people with similar interests is a great idea Meeting people when you're out and about in cool places is definitely feasible, especially when others are new in town and in the same boat. How do you feel about striking up those conversations?

It sounds like your therapist might be useful in thinking through how you want to engage with your mom when she brings up relationships, perhaps it's time to schedule a session? With more casual acquaintances, perhaps there is a script you can come up with when they start prying to nip the conversation in the bud? For example, something that's a quick shut-down and change of subject. Happy to brainstorm with you if it helps.

I'm glad you don't think you're considering having sex to fit in, I'm pretty sure you're smart enough to know that that probably wouldn't make you feel good in the long run. It's also worth noting that whatever you decide to do or not do romantically, there is no-one who is entitled to that information; you get to chose how much you tell and to whom.

I've accomplished so much and done so many things I really enjoy, and life isn't all about sex.

You've said it yourself right here, you don't need me to tell you you haven't wasted your 20s because quite clearly, you haven't wasted your 20s. You got this.