What is the big deal?

[Begonias]

I'm 24, a virgin, and sexually active in regards to everything but penetration. I met the BEST guy in October of this year and we had the best relationship starting out, I told him from the first date that I was a virgin, and wasn't sure why I just was sure I wasn't really ready or physically interested in sex yet, just emotionally interested in sex. He was understanding and treated me with nothing but respect and patience. A few months later everything started to go downhill. I wasn't enjoying the sexual activities we were doing and it seemed when I asked him to try new things or gave direction or just wasn't getting into it he would get very offended, and disappointed. We stopped physical intimacy because I needed a break from the anxiety, I was losing attraction to him based on his attitude, and we both started full time jobs that took a lot of our time away from each other. Now, our relationship is in real trouble. He told me he was beginning to resent me for not having sex with him and on my end, I know sex isn't going to fix our problems. If I just did it with him nothing would change or we would be worse off. There is an emotional disconnect and he claims its because he's not getting physical intimacy which is making him feel neglected and unnattractive. We tried for the first time in months to fool around a week ago and he was like a dead fish, didn't seem into it at all when I was, and I asked him if he was okay and enjoying himself and he didn't answer me. SO I stopped doing what I was doing. and he got frustrated and very upset.
My thing about sex. I want to enjoy it, I know enough to know it won't be amazing and perfect and life changing but I want that definitive push that I am in the moment, excited about it, and ready to go for it. I have struggled in all my relationships with sexual activity. I just either don't feel anything or I feel disconnected or I don't get turned on. I know what it feels like to be turned on but unfortunately it hasn't happened since I was 12 and on an online chat room and someone was talking dirty to me. I've never had that feeling again and that's the feeling I'm chasing. I don't understand the big deal about sex. I almost feel like it should be an adjunct to a healthy relationship and not a necessity. But my boyfriend has treated it like a necessity from the very beginning and continues to do so. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with us? Is there any going back? And is there any way to move forward? I don't want to lose him, I'm not afraid of being alone, but I realize the person that I have is special. But the emotional issues surrounding physical intimacy is bleeding into the emotional intimacy. Is sex really this big of a deal for everyone or are there people out there where physical intimacy grows with emotional intimacy? Will everything start to feel better or am I doomed to this nonexistent pleasure with all my relationships? He constantly asks me the question, why are you 24 years old and not having sex, why don't you feel that desire? He treats it like a medical condition and always asks me about hormone treatments to fix my problem. I have friends who have had similar situations to me but have persevered through and found what works for them and I've had friends who are lucky enough to have had no issues at all. It's been suggested to me that I put too much emphasis and stress on sex. I overthink it so much theres no way I can get into the mood for it until I experience it and realize how big of a deal or not big of a deal it is. I'm at a loss. It seems like just getting it over with would be relieving and also could be worse than what I'm going through now. Is sex really this big of a deal to the point where I'm basically a leper for not having had it and not ready to have it and I won't find anyone willing to be patient enough and work through this with me. Or is it something that just naturally happens with the right person and maybe the person I'm with now isn't going to do it for me?

[al]

Hi Begonias,

Whew. I bet it felt good to get all of that out. Thank you for taking the time to think about how you feel and share it so honestly.

First things first: there's nothing wrong with you. There are plenty of reasons why you might not be experiencing interest in sex or sexual intercourse with this person at this moment, and none of them are because you're a leper or you have some big problem that you have to fix. Contrary to what a lot of people, movies, TV shows, songs, and condom commercials might tell you, most people aren't thinking about/desiring/having sex with their partner(s) all the time. Exactly like your post title says, it's often talked about like a Big Deal, when in reality, it's just another facet of your human experience, which you can feel differently about at different times. Just because you find someone attractive, you get along with them, or they treat you well doesn't automatically mean that you'll want to have sex with them (in general, or at any particular moment). There isn't one way to experience sexual attraction and arousal, and when sex is something happening between partners, it's often a lot more nuanced than "I like you. Let's have sex. We're doing it, and this is great. I love it."

Also - just because you're a certain age doesn't mean that you should be desiring or having sex. That thing that your partner said about you being 24 doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because there is no magical age (13, 16, 20, 24, 35, or even 103) at which every human being starts feeling sexual and wanting to have sex with others. There are some people who never want to have sex and never do. There are some people who only want to have certain types of sex (of which there are many!) with only certain people. There are people who want to have sex with almost everyone. Some people only want to have sex with themselves. All of that is okay, and none of it is a bad thing or a thing that needs to be fixed.When Sex Is Just A F#@*!ing Bummer and Don't Want To Have Sex? both talk about some of the different ways that people feel about sex and what might be contributing to those feelings - you might find them helpful! Ready Or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist is another good read for thinking about the different factors that go into someone feeling 'ready' for sex, and might help you think through some of your own feelings about your relationship to sex and your previous partners.

Back to what you said you felt about having sex in the past.. you mentioned that you've been sexual with other partners before, but that you never really enjoyed it that much, and didn't feel connected to what was happening. If you think back to how you felt during those times and in those relationships, do you feel like you were ready or excited about having sex? What about your emotional connection with your partner(s) as compared to your physical connection? Are you the type of person that likes to get really emotionally close to someone before engaging in much physical intimacy? You mentioned that you have felt aroused in a sexual interaction before, in the chat room - have you talked with your partner about that at all? Have you tried exposing yourself to that same sort of "dirty talk" or sexual language on your own or with others?

In terms of your partner - it strikes me that he has said some things that have made you feel bad about yourself when it comes to sex. Does that feel true? If so, that tends to raise some red flags, because sex is something that you (and your partner/partners) should be doing together because you both want to, not because either one of you feels like you're fulfilling an obligation or making someone else happy at your own expense. From what you've said, it sounds like a lot of your conversations with him have been about how he's not getting what he wants, but there's not much being said about what you need or want. How did his comment about getting "treatment" with hormones make you feel? How do you feel about him constantly asking you why you feel the way that you do?
Also, in this last time that you tried to be intimate with him, you said that you stopped when he wasn't responding to you and didn't seem into it (which was a great instinct - it's always good to pause and check in with someone if it seems like they're not enjoying themselves or something's not right). And then when you did stop, he got frustrated and very upset. Does he get angry or upset like this often? Do you ever feel like he might try and force you to do sexual things, or that he might hurt you? If so, those are top-of-the-mountain-waving-in-the-wind giant red flags (note: read more about them over at Safer Sex..For Your Heart). You shouldn't ever feel like you have to do something sexual with someone even if you don't want to. Partners that are respectful and trustworthy might feel disappointed if they want to have sex and you don't, but will do everything they can to make sure that you don't feel bad about it. Good partners respect your right to say no, for any reason, at any time.

One more thought before I stop rambling: my favorite TED talk is about how sex is like pizza. It's something that a lot of people enjoy, and that they get pleasure out of when they experience it every so often. But it's not the most important thing in the world (although I'm sure some would argue with me). Different people like different types of pizza, and can only have certain types of pizza. Some people can't have pizza at all, or don't want to have pizza. And that's okay. I really like that metaphor, because instead of treating sex like the end-all-be-all, and making people feel like they're broken or wrong if they don't want to have it all the time/with all the people/always, it instead presents sex as a unique, totally-personal thing that you might want or you might not, depending on the type and the people you're with and how you're feeling at any given moment. If we use that metaphor, then what I hear you saying to me is, "I've had a few types of pizza so far, and haven't really enjoyed them, and the pizza I am currently sharing with my partner may not be working for me", which is much less scary and condemning. Just food for thought.