What do I do?

[rjwedge]

So my last menstrual cycle started June 1. My cycles are normally 28 days apart. I had sex with Guy 1 on days 13, 15, 17, 19. On day 17, I accidentally came in contact with someone else. Not sure if I was ovulating or not. Well I did not let this guy enter me and I think he might've had some pre-cum on him and he might've touched the outside of my vagina. What do I do? Could he possibly be the father? Do I get a prenatal DNA test done?

[Heather]

Hey there, rjwedge. Welcome to the boards.

It's unclear to me what kind of contact you had with this secondary person. It's also unclear to me if you're actually currently pregnant. I am assuming you are. If you are, then:

If you had some kind of direct genital intercourse, then, unless he ejaculated, it's unlikely, but still possible so yes, without knowing very specific things about your cycle (like you'd know if you regularly and accurately chart your fertility), you should figure it is a possibility this person could have been someone this pregnancy occurred because of, and do whatever you'd want to do in that situation. If you want to talk about your feelings and thoughts about those options, we can certainly do that with you. (And if "accidentally" means without your consent and you want to talk about that, we can do that, too.)

If you did not, and you DID have that kind of contact with the first person, then it's safe to assume that this the person on the paternal end of this pregnancy.

[rjwedge]

Yes, I am pregnant. His penis touched my vagina (did not insert it), but I'm not sure if there was any precum on it. But No, he did not ejaculate at all, I know that for a fact. I'm not sure if I was ovulating or not when the second person touched me either. I am just worried and want to know who the father is and what I can do.

[Heather]

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a stressful spot in an already so-stressful situation.

Like I said, it is very unlikely in the situation you're describing, but it is possible, so I can't in good conscience tell you it's not, even though I wish I could.

A DNA test is the only way to know paternity for sure, so what you can do is talk to the healthcare provider you've connected with for your pregnancy -- you have someone for pre-natal care, yes? -- about your options.

Do you want to talk about your worries from an emotional standpoint? What are they mostly about? Is this about one or both of these people not being someone you want involved in this, or WANT to have paternity? Is it about the first person not knowing about the encounter (?) with the second person? Is it about just not knowing, period, and that jacking up what decisions you want to make with this pregnancy? Something(s) else?

[rjwedge]

It's all the above.. I am scared.. Want to be with partner 1, nothing to do with partner 2 in that sense. The first person doesn't know the encounter... I have a healthcare provider, but not sure they will do any testing. I found a place that does prenatal DNA testing, but it is a bit pricey. But I feel like i need to do it for my own sanity.

[Siân]

Hi rjwedge,

I'm sorry you're having such a stressful time figuring this out. Have you and the first partner you mentioned had any conversations about this pregnancy? Do you want to? And in the meantime, how are you doing with looking after yourself and your mental wellbeing?

[rjwedge]

Yes he knows. But doesn’t know about other guy. Does prenatal DNA testing work?

[Jacob]

Hey RJ,

Bringing this back to the emotional side, as per what Heather asked above: Do you think you could talk to your partner 1 about this? It sounds like it's causing a lot of stress and talking about it could at least relieve some of the pressure. I also wonder if there are any friends you have who are not attached to this who could offer some support.

=====

Sidenote about the DNA tests: I just had a bit of a read up about DNA testing , and this is what I learnt:

The DNA sample from blood, or saliva can be used to make a DNA profile (a strip of paper with some horizontal lines on it, a bit like a barcode)... If the potential parent and the child have zero in common, that would mean that the child has received zero genetic information from that person, and that they are not the biological parent. Biological parents always pass on genetic information, so you can be 100% sure when they say someone is not the parent.

If you were trying to prove someone was the parent then it's a little different and it will be described as 99% accurate because of the (extremely low) possibility of coincidence, i.e. two people having matching DNA by pure accident... like two people being born with almost identical fingerprints.

Regardless of all this, you are talking about a situation with two people... so if there is a 99% match, and it's one of the people you had sex with... then you can be certain it's them!

[Heather]

Would just being honest with #1 about #2 be an option for you? Are you concerned for your safety at all in being honest?

It certainly sounds like that secret is a big part of this stress, and if you want a solid relationship with someone, you can’t usually have a big secret in the middle of it all. If you’re planning on co-parenting, that’s a giant relationship, and personally, I’d advise doing the best you can to start it off on the right foot. Honesty (and not hiding big things) is a huge part of that.

[rjwedge]

Definitely not an option to say something. Did something stupid and don’t want to risk losing him...

The lab where I live told me they’re 99.99% accurate when it comes to figuring it out but it’s definitely pricey but I’d be willing to do it just to know.

[Heather]

Obviously, this is all your choice, but if you'd like to talk pros/cons of keeping this to yourself (especially if what happened is that you had an agreement to be exclusive and you chose not to be OR this other person did things without your permission) or telling the truth, I'd be glad to do that with you. The risk of losing this person probably exists no matter what, after all, including with not telling them. In other words, not telling the truth presents that risk in a couple ways, too.

Either way, it sounds like what you want to do is to get that test done as soon as you're able. You probably aren't at that point just yet in your pregnancy, so is there anything else we can do for you around any of this (or anything else!) until you're there?

[rjwedge]

No, but that you for your advice and listening.

[Heather]

Of course. You know where to find us as you need.